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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BM not helping with hen do!

85 replies

Whippet79 · 03/04/2022 10:22

It’s six months to our wedding and BM’s not even started talking about my hen do.

One of BM has always been super keen to organise but reality is she’s not very organised. The other asked me recently when I asked her to be BM what she needs to do and I said just turn up on the day and help organise hen do.

Much time has passed and people asking me what’s happening with hen do. I ended up texting BM’s yesterday to say that I will organise it as time is getting in and then that seemed to kick them up the arse and are organising a zoom call to discuss this week.

It’s just been a shit time of postponing wedding three times but in January we lost our baby when I was 13 wks and was heartbroken. Both BM’s knew and have been kind but just wanted to feel a bit special and thought of.

Any advice please, is 6 months normal in planning? I just expected it to be a bit earlier or for the girls to show some interest I guess /(

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 03/04/2022 10:27

I've never had a hen do, but if I'd have wanted one I'd expect to have arranged it myself.

Moancup · 03/04/2022 10:29

Six months seems fine? It’s not like caterers and venues can be booked up for a hen do.

I hate the idea of organising someone else’s hen do though and the entire concept of nominating someone to throw you a party is really off in my view. But this is why I never get asked to be a bridesmaid!

ineedsun · 03/04/2022 10:30

I organised mine myself but I think things have changed a lots now.

If you’re having a night out it doesn’t need much arranging. If you’re booking something overnight you need to get ahead of the game.

Haus1234 · 03/04/2022 10:30

I don’t think 6 months is crazy early to organise a hen do, but nor is it too late.

ladyvimes · 03/04/2022 10:31

If you’re that bothered can you not organise your own hen do?

Organising a hen do is a ball ache and if they have stuff going on in their lives at the moment it might not be on their priority list.

Dishwashersaurous · 03/04/2022 10:31

Given as wedding has been postponed three times, how fixed is the date?

Also what have you told them to organise, a weekend away, a night out, a week holiday etc.

It's typical for the bride to specify the type of event and when she wants it to be . And then bridesmaid organise.

So you say. I'd like a spa weekend on the second or third weekend in June. And these eight people to attend. Here are their contact details.

Have you done that and them do nothing?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/04/2022 10:32

I think it’s still up to the bride to kickstart the discussions and lay the plans a little.
Sorry for your loss!

TolkiensFallow · 03/04/2022 10:33

@Dishwashersaurous I think this is spot on.

OP I do understand that you would like to feel spoiled and cared for but the reality is your bridesmaids probably have lots going on themselves and will need some direction.

FloralsForSpring · 03/04/2022 10:34

6 months is fine. They just need to book a spa or restaurant or something

FloralsForSpring · 03/04/2022 10:36

It's possible given your loss they were waiting for your lead to start planning

Original poster
Whippet79 · 03/04/2022 10:36

Yeah I do understand organising a hen do is a ball ache, I’ve had to do it before and I have told them that I can help them.
I have told them what I would like and when.

And yes defo going ahead this time!

OP posts:
FoxesEat · 03/04/2022 10:38

6 months sounds like plenty of time to organise. A lot of restaurant/bars won't open their books til sooner, some train tickets won't become available til closer to the time and a lot of spa offers etc also are booked closer to the date. So for actual booking it's not late, but you would think they'd at least be chatting about it so that once they've reached out to places and reservations become available they can just book up.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Dishwashersaurous · 03/04/2022 10:43

OK given as you've told them, then it's a bit rubbish.

You speak to them and ask what the plan is and who had confirmed attending.

Dishwashersaurous · 03/04/2022 10:45

And I am so sorry for your loss and do think that might be making them hesitate. Basically not sure what you want and also what your wider life plans are.

So I think you need to tell them that your original wish stands and could they please organise now

Shinyandnew1 · 03/04/2022 10:47

I organised all of my hen do-I just can’t imagine expecting it to be someone else’s job! The bride is the one who knows all the people coming and it’s all about them. Just organise it yourself exactly the way you like it.

MichelleScarn · 03/04/2022 10:50

l have told them what I would like and when.

Is it something achievable though? If it's not a 'SURPRISE!' type thing would you not just rather do it yourself?

chisanunian · 03/04/2022 10:52

What kind of a hen do will you want? In the nicest possible way, they haven't got a crystal ball, and probably won't know who you would want to invite anyway. Are you thinking of a night out, a weekend away in the UK or something a bit more lavish/abroad?

FluffyPersian · 03/04/2022 10:56

My own experience is that organising a Hen Do is a poisoned challice.

I was a Bridesmaid for a good friend - I organised and sorted a meal and a caberet show for her, put the deposit down on my credit card and spent months chasing and chasing random people I'd never met to give me the money. It was incredibly stressful and I refused to put down deposits ever again.

I was a Bridesmaid for another friend - She wanted something 'abroad' however a lot of her friends weren't in high earning roles and you could just tell they didn't want to do it. I suggest a UK event for a day which was shot down in flames. I suggested she organise it and was accused of 'Being a bad friend' - in the end, I pulled out of the whole thing (with 9 months notice) she tried to get everyone else to go on a girls weekend abroad and noone went so she didn't have a Hen Do and blamed it on me.

I organised my own Hen Do - I kept it 1 day with an activity in the morning (Tank driving / Axe throwing) and an Afternoon Tea in the afternoon - noone was 'required' to come to one or both and it was up to individuals to choose if either appealed. I kept it central to everyone so the most people were required to travel was 1.5 hours and sorted out money myself. I wasn't putting that stress on anyone else. Some friends came - some didn't - I was absolutely fine with it... noone needed to come to 'prove' how much they liked me.

Hen Do's can be fun - but organising them has always been really, really stressful - especially when you don't know people / don't know preferences and are trying to please a lot of people with a lot of potential 'requirements'..... I'd honestly suggest organising it yourself?

RedRobyn2021 · 03/04/2022 10:59

I think this is one of those situations where one person has expectations but the other person doesn't realise

Like most people they're probably wrapped up and busy with their own lives. You should tell them you're feeling a bit down and it would but nice to organise something together. But don't take it personally that they haven't already, they still love you, they probably just didn't realise this is what you were hoping for.

Honestly social media and American tv have a lot to answer for, I mean in reality how many women have a slap up hen do all organised by someone else, probably not most I would imagine

RedRobyn2021 · 03/04/2022 11:00

I used to get sad when I was little because I never got a surprise birthday party like I saw on tv 😂

ODFOx · 03/04/2022 11:01

Was your friend keen to organise the hen do until you said what you wanted and when?
Is there a chance that it is coming up too expensive for some people in the group and that is why it has stalled?

Jannt86 · 03/04/2022 11:01

It depends what you want. For example I had a hendo house for a weekend. This was so much easier as people were coming from different parts of the country. IME these do book up quite well in advance and I'll be honest I also got bored of waiting for my well-meaning BM to sort it especially since they were trying to persuade me to do something much less straightforward and less fun IMO as they basically cba to look. A 5 minute google search and I easily found what I wanted and we all had a fantastic hendo. They did organise me a couple of lovely and thoughtful surprises too. Lesson being that old saying 'if you want something done properly do it yourself' Grin Even spas do sell out quite in advance sometimes so if there's something like that you want then I'd just get on with it and book. I wouldn't cause qny grief with your BM though. I appreciate you feel hurt but it's just not worth the aggro and I do agree with pp that I think this expecting BM to plan a hendo is quite a new thing and a bit of a PITA if you are one. I'm so sorry for your loss btw that must've been awful. You need and deserve a lovely hendo and wedding so just do what's necessary to achieve that xx

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/04/2022 11:02

Sorry what?!

If you want a hen do, sort it out. It’s nice if the BMs want to help, and they likely will, but they aren’t your unpaid PAs.

6 months is ages

🔔 this is a warning bell - you are being a boring bridezilla, don’t be a dick on that zoom, or they’ll ditch you

SmellyOldOwls · 03/04/2022 11:03

Sorry for your loss OP. You're being a bit precious about the hen do, you're supposed to tell them where you want to go and what you want to do and then they book it. It doesn't really need to be dramatic with zoom meetings involved just set up a WhatsApp group.

Soontobe60 · 03/04/2022 11:05

Why are you not doing it yourself?
If they organise it, it should be a surprise for you. You’ve already told them what you want, so IMO you should be organising it. After all, presumably you know everyone whos being invited, they might not.

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