BM not helping with hen do!

[Whippet79]

It’s six months to our wedding and BM’s not even started talking about my hen do.

One of BM has always been super keen to organise but reality is she’s not very organised. The other asked me recently when I asked her to be BM what she needs to do and I said just turn up on the day and help organise hen do.

Much time has passed and people asking me what’s happening with hen do. I ended up texting BM’s yesterday to say that I will organise it as time is getting in and then that seemed to kick them up the arse and are organising a zoom call to discuss this week.

It’s just been a shit time of postponing wedding three times but in January we lost our baby when I was 13 wks and was heartbroken. Both BM’s knew and have been kind but just wanted to feel a bit special and thought of.

Any advice please, is 6 months normal in planning? I just expected it to be a bit earlier or for the girls to show some interest I guess /(

I organised my own. Different groups of friends/families have different traditions but it wouldn’t have occurred to me to expect my bms to organise it. And I much preferred doing my own thing 😍

I have been to a hen where the maid of honour organised everything and the bride didn’t complain but told memlater she didn’t eant all the games and activities etc she just wanted to relax and sip wine somewhere beautiful.

I think organising it yourself is the best option but if you want someone else to do it you need to tell them exactly what you want them to do….

Honestly the wedding is 6 months away, I wouldn't even be thinking about a hen do for another 3/4 months unless you were wanting something complicated, expensive, or needing lots of notice, in which case many people would be out due to the cost/hassle.

When I got married I was living abroad and I really didn't want a massive event that would require my BMs to spend loads of money flying around to different countries (My BMs were my bffs I have known since we started infants together and I also invited some of my closest local Spanish friends so whether it was in Spain or England at least half of the hens would have had to fly spmewhere) we just arranged for my English bridesmaids to fly out a couple of days early.

They got an afternoon flight from from UK to Madrid, I picked them up from the airport, dropped their stuff at my flat, went to a local bar for a drink and for them to meet my local friends and then went back to the flat where we ordered takeaway and had a movie night. My local friend's then went home and my English friends stayed over, just like the sleepovers we had when we were teenagers. The following day I took them to do some sightseeing round the city in the morning; we met up again with my local friends for afternoon tea at a friend's restaurant and then we all went to check into the hotel and then the wedding was the following day.

I arranged this about 6 months out only because my wedding was in the school holidays (I worked in a school at the time) so I knew it would be more expensive and to make sure I let my BMs know the plan before they booked flights and hotels for just the wedding date.

My DD is a BM, it's been a nightmare. They want the gen do on the 10th July but by the time people got back everything was booked up. If you want a certain itinerary, asap is better. However if you have to wait to put holidays in, then you have another barrier.

Agree with PPs to organise it yourself. It’s good there’s a whatsapp group.

Unless the invitees are all local, even one UK night away with one activity, accommodation, one meal and evening out will cost £200+. So would set out suggested rough plan and cost estimate based on X number of attendees and go from there.

If you’d personally prefer to go away with a much smaller group willing to pay more, eg your BMs, just do that!

Organising a relaxed night out 6 months ahead????

YABU

It’s your wedding so of course you’re planning for it, and thinking about it, but frankly, it doesn’t mean it’s what everyone else is thinking about.

You've probably dodged a bullet! If I ever get married again, I'm organising it myself.

Mine was bloody awful. I'd said please can we just be low key, stay in and watch 90s sitcoms with
cocktails and snacks ? All fine till the naked man showed up, did a "hilarious" sexy game which involved me being blindfolded and feeling his body parts, then obnoxious limo took us to a grim nightclub where one of my hens had to be forcibly evicted and then got lifted out of the club after getting violent with the bouncers, so I had to take her home myself and make sure she didn't pass out and choke on her own vomit, then I had to do all the dishes as everyone else was still at the club 🤣. Never again.

Good luck with arranging it and with the wedding.

Also, I'm really sorry for your loss op

I don't think YABU, but I may be biased, based on my own recent experience! My DSis is getting married later this year and I, along with 3 other adult Bridemaids, was tasked with arranging the Hen. My DSis is a very popular lady, so there were around 45 women on the initial invite list and she asked for a weekend do, so it was a pretty big event to plan!

We ended up with 35 ladies for the weekend and due to the wedding being postponed from last year to this, for obvious reasons, it was nearly 18 months in the planning. It was a huge undertaking - simply finding a venue which could sleep 35 of us and where we would be the sole occupants for the weekend, was an enormous task in itself. I must have sent hundreds of emails to various suppliers (DJs, venues, caterers etc.), many more to the Hens and our BM's Hen Weekend Planning Whatsapp group must have around 10,000 messages in it!

However, depending on how many you plan to invite, as long as you can secure somewhere suitable to stay (the good places get booked up very early) and you can let them all know which dates they need to be free, then in reality, those planning the Hen don't need to do terribly much with 6 months to go (assuming you'll have the Hen shortly before the actual wedding?) I would have a word with your BMs and get them to confirm the dates and location, make sure they have a guest list and contact details for all the invitees, then let them run with it - you should just be able to turn up and relax, in my opinion it's definitely a BM job - the Bride has plenty to do!

Just for balance - when I got married, nearly 20 years ago, 8 of us went for manicures and facials, stopped off at a nice bar for a glass of pink champagne, had a delicious meal at my favourite restaurant, then I drove myself home and was in bed before 11 - and I organised it all myself! Whatever you end up doing, I hope you have a fabulous Hen and a wonderful wedding!

Oh god please DONT do this to your BM. Organise your own hen party and then you won't be a massive burden to anyone else and it will be precisely what you want.

People have enough to contend with at the moment, your hen might be too much in terms of commitment for your BMs as well.

Surely you choose your BMs on the basis that they are your nearest and dearest friends and want them to share your special day with you. I would never have put that kind of pressure on them. Like I would never expect them to pay for their own dresses/flowers etc - And I once was a BM to a "friend" who thought she was doing us a favour by only expecting us to pay for half of the dress cost...