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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BM not helping with hen do!

85 replies

Whippet79 · 03/04/2022 10:22

It’s six months to our wedding and BM’s not even started talking about my hen do.

One of BM has always been super keen to organise but reality is she’s not very organised. The other asked me recently when I asked her to be BM what she needs to do and I said just turn up on the day and help organise hen do.

Much time has passed and people asking me what’s happening with hen do. I ended up texting BM’s yesterday to say that I will organise it as time is getting in and then that seemed to kick them up the arse and are organising a zoom call to discuss this week.

It’s just been a shit time of postponing wedding three times but in January we lost our baby when I was 13 wks and was heartbroken. Both BM’s knew and have been kind but just wanted to feel a bit special and thought of.

Any advice please, is 6 months normal in planning? I just expected it to be a bit earlier or for the girls to show some interest I guess /(

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 03/04/2022 12:17

Depends what you think they are going to do. A night out with tacky T-shirts and plastic penises, takes a couple of weeks. A weekend in Magaluf with tacky T-shirts and plastic penises takes a bit longer.

Original poster
Whippet79 · 03/04/2022 12:29

@BoredZelda sorry that made me laugh!! No penises hopefully!! 🤣

OP posts:
zingally · 03/04/2022 12:29

Granted, I've only ever planned one hen do for a friend. But I certainly wasn't doing the planning 6 months out! Maybe 2 months before? 3 at a push?

WaltzedIntoIt · 03/04/2022 12:31

@Whippet79
Dublin is outrageously expensive. Terrible idea to spend a weekend there and also as you won’t get the weather. Even a night away at the minute is not ideal if everyone is expected to pay for that and attendance at the wedding.

I think you will find your bridesmaids get a lot more enthusiastic if you say you’re happy with an activity, meal and drinks locally.

Unless your social circle are all wealthy?

ZibbleDibble · 03/04/2022 12:32

I think at times brides forget that bridesmaids have their own lives going on, and not everyone is as interested in your wedding as you are. It won’t be their number 1 priority.

I’d be fully expecting to organise the location/time etc of my own hen do. Then the bridesmaids can assist in getting payment off of people etc.

Also, I hope you’re not expecting the rest of the hens to pay for your share of the hen do like many brides do!

I can assure you no one cares about your wedding/hen do anywhere near as much as you do

JuteWeaver · 03/04/2022 12:37

Given the current economic situation, maybe you really need to scale back your ideas. I'd be horrified at being asked to spend loads of money just now; people might need their savings for other expenses just now.

And organise it yourself. You're the only one who knows everyone.This bridesmaids organising 'thing' must be American as it was never a tradition when I was involved in weddings.

MichelleScarn · 03/04/2022 12:37

Also, I hope you’re not expecting the rest of the hens to pay for your share of the hen do like many brides do!
Oh yes! Hmm 'right OK, we're all going to kick in an extra £50 each to cover brides room, meal and make sure she gets lots of fizz....

grapewines · 03/04/2022 12:37

Six months seems early to moan about this. They'll have their own stuff going on. Maybe rethink weekend away unless your friends are all loaded.

MardyMandy · 03/04/2022 12:41

The majority of hens want more than just a knees up at a pub

It's not their hen do though. My daughter had 2 hens. One with her friends in the city where she lives which consisted of a few drinks
in a local not noisy pub and a meal after. The other here in her birth city with old friends from school etc (who obviously could travel back to see their family here, so no expense on hotels etc) for a long relaxed lunch at a nice restaurant.
Hens don't have to be loud noisy knees ups if you don't want them to be.

UserError012345 · 03/04/2022 12:42

What @Gilly12345 said 'Life is expensive now especially with the increase on energy/food bills etc.'

I'd just organise something yourself and keep it simple e.g meal out, afternoon tea etc etc

MardyMandy · 03/04/2022 12:49

I'd just organise something yourself and keep it simple e.g meal out, afternoon tea etc etc

I think the vast majority would prefer and appreciate that, even if they stop short of suggesting it.

YellowMonday · 03/04/2022 12:56

My experience is quite different to a lot of replies.

I've been a BM 7 times now (I joke I'm trying to replicate 27 Dresses...) and for each bride the bridal party organised the Hens. Likewise for the bucks.

Bride provided a list of people to invite, and some brides were very prescriptive with what they wanted (very easy to organise) and some brides wanted the surprise.

I love planning and organising so this was an enjoyable task for me lol.

Only one hens was a disaster - BMs decided to "split" the jobs, so one BM organised the activity, one the dinner, and one (me) karaoke and dancing. The activity and dinner were terrible - activity disorganised and not what the bride wanted and dinner booked seperate tables not the private room.

yellowsuninthesky · 03/04/2022 13:12

@Chasingsquirrels

I've never had a hen do, but if I'd have wanted one I'd expect to have arranged it myself.
I arranged my own. I didn't even know that it was a bridesmaid's job.

If you are getting married, you are presumably old enough to arrange a get-together.

yellowsuninthesky · 03/04/2022 13:13

@MardyMandy

I'd just organise something yourself and keep it simple e.g meal out, afternoon tea etc etc

I think the vast majority would prefer and appreciate that, even if they stop short of suggesting it.

Agree. I recently went to one which was lunch, an activity in the afternoon followed by a pub meal. Even that probably cost around £100 altogether, so it was enough money to spend.
ChloeHel · 03/04/2022 13:25

Organise it yourself! I organised the time, place and invited the guests. My bridesmaids then brought the games or any other silly hen party stuff etc.

shrunkenhead · 03/04/2022 13:32

YABU It's far too much pressure to put on your BMs. If toy wasn't a certain type of party then plan it yourself. I didn't put my BMs under that kind of pressure. My only expectation was that they turn up!

MardyMandy · 03/04/2022 13:38

Agree. I recently went to one which was lunch, an activity in the afternoon followed by a pub meal. Even that probably cost around £100 altogether, so it was enough money to spend

That sounds perfect. A happy medium between a straightforward booze up and a painful spendfest.

girlmom21 · 03/04/2022 13:41

[quote Whippet79]@BoredZelda sorry that made me laugh!! No penises hopefully!! 🤣[/quote]
If you're hoping to not have something as simple and stereotypical as fake penises on your hen you're definitely better of organising it yourself

Tiredmum100 · 03/04/2022 13:43

Sorry for your loss OP. That must have been awful for you. I organised my own hen, but have recently organised my sisters. To be honest I didn't really enjoy it. I hate having to chase for money off people I don't know. Maybe your BM are the same? Anyway hopefully they will get on to it now. I hope you have a lovely time and a great marriage/ wedding.

crumpet · 03/04/2022 13:45

I sorted my own out. I was very clear about what I wanted to do (have something very chilled out and no stupidity about L plates etc), so I had the hen night I really wanted and no-one was under any press to try and second guess etc. we all had a lovely time.

Gizacluethen · 03/04/2022 13:47

"Help organise the hen do" is very different to "organise the hen do" the first is help me with ideas and who we should invite and help call some people. The second is plan everything without my interference.

I would definitely expect the bride to lead conversations about the hen do

OatmilkandCookies · 03/04/2022 13:48

If you've contacted them and you're having a call, there's no issue. You're all getting it sorted.
With rising costs of living, your BM are maybe not in the position to go putting deposits down on things if they're not 100% sure you're happy with it. And maybe they don't know if you're in the mindset for it with having gone through your loss. I found after losing my son I had to push friends to do things because they didn't know if I was up for things and they were scared to upset me - people don't know how to react sometimes and feel scared of upsetting us.
I'm sure you'll find they have the best intentions.
Sorry for your loss 💐

2pinkginsplease · 03/04/2022 13:51

The expectation of organising a hen do would be enough to put me off accepting the bridesmaid ‘job’.

I organised my own, a night in our local pub with my friends, mum and aunts. No hassle, no nights away and no pressure.

I hate the fact hen do’s have turned into these huge big events.

drpet49 · 03/04/2022 14:17

The majority of Hen do’s that I have been to in the last 5 years have been organised by the bride

AliMonkey · 03/04/2022 14:32

I hadn’t even considered hen do with six months to go - think I sent out save the date about 3 months before and sorted it about six weeks before. BMs did a bit of organising once I had the venue sorted and invites sent out. So personally I think your expectations are way too high.

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