BM not helping with hen do!

[Whippet79]

It’s six months to our wedding and BM’s not even started talking about my hen do.

One of BM has always been super keen to organise but reality is she’s not very organised. The other asked me recently when I asked her to be BM what she needs to do and I said just turn up on the day and help organise hen do.

Much time has passed and people asking me what’s happening with hen do. I ended up texting BM’s yesterday to say that I will organise it as time is getting in and then that seemed to kick them up the arse and are organising a zoom call to discuss this week.

It’s just been a shit time of postponing wedding three times but in January we lost our baby when I was 13 wks and was heartbroken. Both BM’s knew and have been kind but just wanted to feel a bit special and thought of.

Any advice please, is 6 months normal in planning? I just expected it to be a bit earlier or for the girls to show some interest I guess /(

When did hen dos become such a palaver that they needed 6 months to organise ?

Six months is ages.

Is it a trip abroad you want? If so then it's pretty insensitive in the current climate where people can't afford their bills, let alone a dreadful hen weekend away where they don't even know half the guests there.

You're at risk of becoming a pain in the backside with this.

If you want a hen do so very badley - and you clearly do - then stop being so precious and organise it yourself.

I organised my own through a company who I just told what I wanted and when I wanted it , they sent me 5 or so options and I picked.
I then gave them everyone's email addresses.
Each person paid their own deposit and balance and I didn't get involved...
It was amazing we'll orginsed and probably cost maybe £100 more (to get the company to do it, then organise all the bits myself) but between everyone it was only £10 more and so worth it, due to no hassle for anyone person

It's your wedding and your hen do. You've told them what you want.

Just organise it yourself and stop putting pressure on other people.

Bridesmaid doesn't = skivvy.

So I said that maybe a weekend away to Dublin which my BM’s really wanted to do but I said we could keep it closer to home as I didn’t want people to spend too much. My BM thought it was a great idea and was keen to organise. I think she is just busy and time has lapsed. As people have said maybe best for me to arrange myself.

A whattsapp group has been organised and set up, I just don’t want to be the one that keeps updating it. It could get boring for them!

@Luredbyapomegranate there’s really no need to be rude! I am more than aware of what takes a bridezilla and far from it. Trying to see the situation from all angles

I organised my own
I didn’t actually know the BM was supposed to

@theamericanbream

Six months is ages.

Is it a trip abroad you want? If so then it's pretty insensitive in the current climate where people can't afford their bills, let alone a dreadful hen weekend away where they don't even know half the guests there.

You're at risk of becoming a pain in the backside with this.

If you want a hen do so very badley - and you clearly do - then stop being so precious and organise it yourself.

Lots of people don't have childcare available for overnights and weekends too.

@theamericanbream It's really harsh to tell people they're being too extravagent and imply that people don't want to be part of it. If that's how you feel then just politely reject any invites you get to such things as they probably don't want your miserable backside there anyway. I dunno about everyone else but I LOVE extravagent hendos (within reason) As I get older my friends are living further apart so a sleepover is our only real option of meeting for a start and hendos or similar are some of the only chances to get away. It also gives me a couple of days to truly get away from my young daughter (much as I adore her) OP if your hens are up for it then go for whatever you want but just accept that the pricier you make it the more people might drop out. Good luck xx

A lot of people organise their own hen do now a days. Everyone has busy lives and stresses. When I had my hen do it was a night out in town with the girls but now a days it seems it's got to be weekends away, trips abroad, packed weekends full of activities

You need to think of money situations too. No way could I organise a hen do right now.

I think you’re probably right that your BM is busy and time has gone by - perhaps try to think about what would be the most reasonable, practical approach to this.
If you want a weekend in Dublin, send a message to everyone you’d to invite asking whether they want to come. That way you’ll have numbers you can pass on to your BMs which may make their task easier. However if people are non-committal about a weekend away, perhaps a night out/away closer to home is the better option- you can fix a date now but it can be firmed up nearer the time.
I’d organise it all myself personally but as I’m not married and never going to have one, perhaps not the authority here!
Sorry for your sad loss and I hope the wedding is lovely for you.

Organised dinner with friends myself.

Six months is ages, surely? Unless you're planning a big fancy long haul trip, I have no idea why anyone would start planning earlier than that.

If you're one of those people who needs to plan and book excessively early in order to feel in control (and if you are, that's fine) then you really need to organise it yourself. Simply tell the bm that you've thought about it and decided that you'd really rather plan it yourself.

The original hen do was Dublin but I’m aware money is tight for people and I don’t want them to spend more than necessary. So I was thinking rather than two nights away just one night in Cheltenham. It will be more low key but I think I’m happy with that (the girls know about this).

I think maybe all of us plan it together to ease stress or I do it myself.

I don’t wish to sound like a diva. Just all my friends have had their BM’s organise their hen dos and so I assumed the same I guess

@theamericanbream

Six months is ages.

Is it a trip abroad you want? If so then it's pretty insensitive in the current climate where people can't afford their bills, let alone a dreadful hen weekend away where they don't even know half the guests there.

You're at risk of becoming a pain in the backside with this.

If you want a hen do so very badley - and you clearly do - then stop being so precious and organise it yourself.

That's a great idea, and it takes away the stress of the organiser having to chase people for money, having to fork out themselves or say 'you can't come you've not paid' internally still fuming at having to fork out for bloody tacky limo for hen do which noone else paid for!!

I think BMs organising hen do's is a bit American TV/movie, isn't it? I don't think that's part of a BMs job. Who'd want to get stuck organising and subbing stuff that people didn't turn up for or cancelled going to at the last moment? (As evidenced on MN.) I think YABU. Sorry.

You are going to have to tell your BM and friends what you want to do for your hen night/weekend.

I personally don’t like hen dos and find them an unnecessary expense.

Also you need to take into account the cost of the hen event especially with the cost of the wedding.

Life is expensive now especially with the increase on energy/food bills etc.

I organised my own. Couple of drinks in town, then a restaurant (the only part that had to be booked) and then more drinks in another bar in town.
A few went on to a nightclub and others went home. I went home as I'd had quite enough. That was 30 years ago though. I believe it's more of a song and dance nowadays.

6 months is crazy early, 3 of 4 weeks ahead, book a restaurant, done. Hen dos are everyone's nightmare now, don't be that bridge who expects a weekend away.

@MardyMandy - I have been married twice and both times we went to a pub(s), had a meal and then onto a club. Both excellent nights - no hassle, no-one needed to organise, just lots of laughs and fun and hangovers.

Isn't that what a hen do is?

Again, it really depends what sort of people the OP and friends are. Suggesting that anything other than cheap drinks makes her a PITA is borderline gaslighting tbh. I'm personally far more likely to reject drinks out than I am to reject a spa day or weekend away. I have zero interest in going to dirty, loud, obnoxious bars, not being able to hear myself think never mind catch up with friends or get to know others and wasting money on expensive drinks. I'd far rather do something more chilled where I can catch up properly with friends I haven't seen for ages and get to know others before the wedding. Just do what you want OP it's your hendo and it's up to your guests to tell you if they can't afford it x

I say this as an Events Manager and I was a wedding planner for a couple of years.

If you know what you want, where you want to go ie location, hotel, spa or cottage etc, how long you want to be away for, how much everyone can afford and what ‘type’ of activities/fun you want to have eg: pampering, restaurants/clubs etc. Then I would put a loose itinerary together with several options and share it with your hens and ask what they think as a starting point.

A lot of people think organising a hen do would be fun but in reality it can be really stressful if the hens have different ideas, budgets and availability.

And lots of people think they are potential event managers because they like organising their own parties, kids parties, family get togethers but those events are easy because you have full control and guests don’t get a say they just have to attend. Organising a group of friends who have a say in the event and you need to meet everyone’s requirements is completely different.

I know it's traditional for a bridesmaid to organise the hen do but if you have specific ideas please just organise it yourself. The bridesmaid arranging things was fine when it was just a gathering at the local pub or at home with a local group of family or friends that all knew each other but now people tend to have friends and family all over the place it is difficult as a bridesmaid to co-ordinate with a group of people you've never even met, especially if you want something big. It will be stressful for your bridesmaids and you might end up being disappointed if things aren't the way you would have done them.

@Whippet79

So I said that maybe a weekend away to Dublin which my BM’s really wanted to do but I said we could keep it closer to home as I didn’t want people to spend too much. My BM thought it was a great idea and was keen to organise. I think she is just busy and time has lapsed. As people have said maybe best for me to arrange myself.

A whattsapp group has been organised and set up, I just don’t want to be the one that keeps updating it. It could get boring for them!

@Luredbyapomegranate there’s really no need to be rude! I am more than aware of what takes a bridezilla and far from it. Trying to see the situation from all angles

I do, genuinely, think you have an extremely poor attitude. And if you don’t cut it out, your BMs will get extremely fed up with you. I’d describe that as being a bridezillla. A fair few other people have said the same, they just didn’t use that term.

You can take that or not. But other people’s opinions are what this forum is for, so you can’t complain when you get them.

@raspberryjamchicken that’s a good point. I understand it’s stressful for them. My friends /family are all over the place. Best to perhaps organise myself

@Jannt86 thank you. The majority of hens want more than just a knees up at a pub. I’m too old for loud noisy places and can’t expect people to travel for just that