Do happy relationships actually exist???

[Pinkorchid23]

Long term user here. Just overwhelmed and really swamped down with the vast amount of
"Dh cheating on me with ow"
"Dh messaging work colleague"
"Dh hit me/choked me"
"Dh does nothing around the house"
"Dh says he is unattracted to me"
"Dh doesnt love me/isnt happy anymore"

And to be honest it isnt even the mens appalling horrific behaviour that is the most depressing shocking of it all. Its how many women are out there living these real miserable lives and who are constantly lacking any self worth or allowing it to be belittled by these by men.

Its not just online, in real life all hetero relationships I know are like this including my own parents (now seperated). I try to stay optimistic as I want to prove to myself good love does exist and I have my own relationship. However when ever I go ons mns (alot) sometimes I think whats the point of getting married? That my relationship is doomed to end in an affair/betrayal or abuse. Reading about so many women that swore blind they could trust their "dps" whole heartedly to then ne crushed, homeless and jobless after the man ruins the relationship is so scary to me.

What is the point of it all then? I know no relationship is perfect but some of the things I read on here are criminal and my heart breaks for the user on the other side of the screen.

Yes i know people dont generally tend to post happy things which is why im making this thread. Its gotten so bad I have alot of nightmares on my partner cheating/leaving me.

Please enlighten me as to whether real love and happy endings arent just fairy tales

Yabu - of course happy healthy love/relationship exists

Yanbu - i dont believe in them either

I was in a happy relationship for five years, we rarely argued and went through a lot of shit together but we were very happy. I miss him so much.

@TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo

There are a lot of happy relationships! 14 years with my DH and whilst he does drive me a bit mad sometimes I adore him and he adores me.

It's just people don't tend to start a post with "DH is a wonderful man and I'm so happy" that's all.

You are seeing an unbalanced representation.

And if you so post that you're happy on here you are soon shot down for being ' smug' because how dare you....

Would be a bit smug to come on here just to announce how much I love my husband and how happy we are 😊 but then again, I would like to see more happy posts too! That would be a nice new category for MN.

Me and Dh married 35 years, my db married 36 years, my sister married 25 years until her dh died, my mum married 27 years when my DF died. All happy, not all the time obviously as we have all had things to overcome but all will together and still going strong

I wonder how many people are happily married etc, yet the other half, is having an affair or an emotional affair ? (Mumsnet) has made shaped my perspectives on relationships in favour of being more cynical.

So yes, happy marriages do exist! Perhaps they even run in families…

Quite possibly. No divorces (or unhappy marriages, to my knowledge) in my whole extended family or dh's. Only one amongst my and dh's collected friends too (who are all late 40s or very early 50s).

Been with the old “ball and chain” 23 years this year.
He is the rock on which our DD’s and I build our happy life.

I think there’s an awful lot of people are utterly oblivious to their partner‘s behaviour and think it’s normal until somebody points out that perhaps it isn’t and even then they just suck it up because who wants to rock the boat.

I know people who would tell you the very happily married while he is the office sleazebag that the younger girls are kept away from on the nights out

Of course happy relationships exist. I've been married over 40 years and in a minute DH will come into the room (I can hear him banging about downstairs doing the rubbish) and I shall smile at him, as happy and pleased to see him as I am every day. He is and always has been a good man, husband and father. We've never argued (which isn't to say we agree on every little thing!) There's no-one I'd rather spend time with, we just fit together right.

DD2 got married last year to a similar type of man (kind, non-shouty, reliable and affectionate) and they are very happy, I have hopes they will have the same long content marriage I've had, but it's early days for them I know.

I am 37 weeks pregnant with a 5 year old.
My DH has done absolutely everything for say 6 months, I have not lifted a finger (I have worked and slept)
I feel I have missed so much with my LO but I just cannot do anything
My DH is amazing, he does so much for me/us
He's got a spare bed aswell for when the baby comes so we can do shifts at night

By the very nature people turn to an advice site when they have problems and need advice.

Happy contact people are not putting problems on mumsnet.com, because they don't have them!

nonevernotever
I do think @CrunchyCarrot has a point about kids. We're really happy 30+ years in, but we don't have children and haven't had to navigate the stress that that can place on even the strongest relationship

I see people say this quite often on MN, but it seems so wrongheaded to me - if you don't think your relationship would be a happy relationship if you'd undergone something that stressed it then it isn't really that strong a relationship, is it? It's like saying 'oh, yeah, it's a really strong bridge because we don't allow anything heavy over it'

I think it takes effort and work to maintain a long term marriage relationship without children. Children can be a useful buffer for people who don’t really like doing things as a couple or spending time alone with their partner. Without children you have to find other things to talk about.

DH and I have been married 30+ years, have survived infertility, depression (both of us), caring needs of elderly parents (both of us). We are still very happy together. All couples without children for whatever reason still have their storms to weather. To say that a relationship hasn’t truly been tested until and unless you have children is insulting and patronising.

Yes

Very nearly 35 years now, very happy. Most couples we know who married around the same time are together still, too. Presumably happily. Kids have mostly grown and gone, no reason to stay together if they’re not (most financially comfortable). All seem happy when we meet.

Happy relationships do exist. It's just that people who are in one aren't going to be posting in here because there is little point starting a thread saying that you haven't been arguing/fighting/quarelling with your other half.

@CounsellorTroi

nonevernotever I do think @CrunchyCarrot has a point about kids. We're really happy 30+ years in, but we don't have children and haven't had to navigate the stress that that can place on even the strongest relationship

I see people say this quite often on MN, but it seems so wrongheaded to me - if you don't think your relationship would be a happy relationship if you'd undergone something that stressed it then it isn't really that strong a relationship, is it? It's like saying 'oh, yeah, it's a really strong bridge because we don't allow anything heavy over it'

I think it takes effort and work to maintain a long term marriage relationship without children. Children can be a useful buffer for people who don’t really like doing things as a couple or spending time alone with their partner. Without children you have to find other things to talk about.

DH and I have been married 30+ years, have survived infertility, depression (both of us), caring needs of elderly parents (both of us). We are still very happy together. All couples without children for whatever reason still have their storms to weather. To say that a relationship hasn’t truly been tested until and unless you have children is insulting and patronising.

I think it takes far more work and effort to maintain a marriage or relationship with children.

As I said, almost all my friends that are divorced say their marriage started to go wrong when they had children and do, mostly, blame the children.

Statistics show that children place a huge strain on a relationship and there is far more chance of a couple with children splitting up than a couple without children.

Very often couples find when the children leave home they have nothing in common, little to talk about etc.

Just look at how many posts on here say they are dreading when their DH retires. DH is gradually cutting down his work and I can't wait for him to retire totally.

Never ever in 42 years have we run out of things to talk about. You don't need to have children to have lots to talk about and, in my opinion, often it is arguing about children not talking about them.

We love doing things together and spending time just the 2 of us. We have worked together in the past and got on great. We spent almost 3 months just the 2 of us home together all the time during the first lockdown and got on great.

I really don't feel that our marriage has needed effort or work.

If I posted here about how brilliant my DP is, and all the things he does for me, you'd all tell me I was a 'smug married', and it would be a boring thread.

There are occasionally threads in related Relationships forum about happy relationships, and they are lovely to post on, but not terribly interesting to read!

I get that people wouldnt normally post about good things. I guess my thinking is more so even if a relationship starts off all fine and loving how many actually last and see it through to the end? As a pp put, relationships fluctuate and what could be a good phase doesnt mean in a years time a partner wont turn the relationship upside down by cheating. So maybe what im asking for is how many relationships stay good consistently. Im not talking about staying happy as I know life has its fair shares of ups and downs but good as in none of the major toxic events i named in my op.

Its refreshing to see and hear good stories. We should have more of this to balance out all the bad things we are exposed to. I was starting to feel overwhelmed with the amount of relationships that end poorly and was starting to think it was all doomed.

To those who say of course happy relationships and commited men exist I have yet to have seen one in real life. Hence why im feeling so skeptical.

You keep a relationship consistently good by being consistent. The people who hold down successful relationships have the behaviours and personalities which support that - like being good at communication, being capable of compromise, having a balanced outlook towards things which means they aren’t prone to creating or revelling in drama. When you disagree, you have to want to be together more than you want to be right: I’ve seen and heard of so many pointless arguments couples have where neither will back down.

Somebody said above that perhaps happy relationships run in families and I think that is true to the extent that having been provided throughout your life with positive working models of relationships helps you to know what you want (and what you really don’t want). Knowing what a good relationship looks like gives someone a better sense of self and self-confidence which often prevents them making (and staying with) poor choices of partner which would lead to a miserable relationship. Then you have just general individual temperament which influences how you relate to others - for example, I have no sense of jealousy; it’s meant an absence in my relationships of a lot of the negative behaviour which jealousy causes people to display.

Ours has been good consistently. 15+ years.

Through extremely trying times, too - intense job stress for one of us to the point of illness, bereavement (completely unexpected and not in the natural order of things IYSWIM), grief, hospitalisation of one of my children and subsequent diagnosis of a lifelong chronic condition, then one of us having a very close call (emergency/hospital/surgery/etc) which could have very easily ended in death at the time, and a long recovery. It has taken its toll, of course, on each of us. But we as a unit are stronger and closer than ever. In sickness and in health, good times and bad, til death parts us.

Doesn’t mean we don’t argue or get annoyed with each other, disagree once in a while or have blind spots where communication is more difficult because we’re speaking vastly different languages. But overwhelmingly, we love and adore each other. We absolutely are equals in every sense, which is very important. He’s a good, decent, strong man. A man of integrity, thoughtful and generous of spirit and he looks after me very well in all the ways that I need. He’s really a better person in many ways than I am and he makes me want to do better. He strives every day to give me everything I ask for, and I do the same for him. He’s also the perfect package in other very important ways but I’m not going to get into that here! I love his bones and I’m grateful every day that we found each other. However I also know that I’m on an equal standing to him! He’s lucky to have me too; he’s not doing me a favour by any means. That’s important for a healthy relationship, I think.

None of the toxic things in your OP have ever been a part of our relationship.

However I must say, it’s not always bad for someone not to be happy or dissatisfied in a relationship! That’s just life. That happens to women too and isn’t toxic in itself. Talking about any niggles makes it more likely that you’ll be okay in the long run. Too many people pretend for too long and then the resentment sets in which is poison to a relationship. Or they cry for help and the other person doesn’t give a fuck and won’t help. Being unhappy in one or two aspects can be fixed. But it needs to be done through work by the individual themselves (to fix what they can fix) and then by the other person too (to fix what they can fix, or support the other in actions not just with empty words) and then also through wider cooperation from both - give and take where needed.

Blame is different. If someone is blaming you for their own inadequacies or difficulties or demanding that you take responsibility for making them happy all the time without ever reciprocating, that’s a problem. By the same token if you ask for help, or tell them that something matters a great deal to you and you need X from them, or if you’re carrying everything and they do fuck all for you and don’t do everything within their power to lighten your load where they can, then it’s not an equal relationship, and it’s not a good one.

I’m rambling now.

Yes i know people dont generally tend to post happy things which is why im making this thread. Its gotten so bad I have alot of nightmares on my partner cheating/leaving me

You've hit the nail on the head here. People don't post when they don't have a problem!

My first H cheated on me - loads. And I honestly had no idea. I thought we were very happy. We had "made it" work wise, two lovely children, had a lovely big house, 2 cars, good holidays.....we were together for 20 years when someone told me, and then the whole house of cards came tumbling down. At that point he shagged by best friend, tried to cheat me out of money, and assaulted me twice. It was like a nightmare.

I decided after I left him, that I would always believe and trust in love. And I met my now DH, who I've been with for almost 14 years. He's an absolute diamond. Could he let me down? Of course! But I'm not living like a spinster "just in case".

I love these 2 sayings :

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone"

"The Ship is safe in the Harbour, but that's not what Ships are for"

Maybe think of yourself as the Ship?

Also: maximise the odds of having a happy relationship by ensuring you’re compatible in the first place. There are so many MN posts about unhappy relationships where it appears the case that two fundamentally different people with incompatible views, values and lifestyles seemed to get together with at least one thinking that they could change the other and then everything would be brilliant. Which rarely happens. Or that love can overcome anything. Which it can’t. A lot of so-called “toxic” relationships don’t actually involve bad people, just people who aren’t right for each other and that ultimately expresses itself in bad behaviour.

Yes. If it’s not right or if you want them to change X Y or Z just let them go. It's much better to wait for someone who’s right in all the important ways (to you) than wish the man you’re hanging on to would just be different. He’s not going to be different no matter what he says or what you hope might happen someday.

I've been with DH 35 years. Tough times (illness etc) has just made us stronger. We're very happy. Most relationships I know about are equally long and happy. I am truly sorry you've not come across this.

And if he’s expecting you to be different it’s exactly the same principle. You’re not right for each other. End it, don’t look back.

Don’t invest yourself into people who aren’t worth it either. If you’re having to make excuses for bad behaviour or attitudes/actions that don’t fit with your values and what you need or want, if you’re being ‘kind’ too often for crumbs in return, walk away. End it, don’t look back.

Mine is very happy, we are equal in home and childcare, we talk, do fun things and parent the same. He’s loving, kind and funny and bloody just knows how to do everything and look after himself. He’s an excellent husband and father.

Yea he drives me crazy sometimes and some things he’s dreadful at, like remembering literally anything, but I drive him crazy too with my own quirky ways. We don’t pick at each other’s little personality traits that we can’t help, as it’s who we are.

I think people are just more inclined to talk about the negative.