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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you truly loved me, you'd...

93 replies

Nearlyeaster88 · 01/04/2022 08:32

"If you love me and you truly meant the promise you made in your marriage vows, you'll stay faithful & celebate by my side till the day you die". How would you feel if you were told this?
-Spoken by my dh, who has decided that my sex life ends at 33 (hes 46). It's not up for discussion/counselling, he will not see a doctor. I'm really pissed off that I feel I'm being forcibly held to live by my marriage vows but he feels there's no onus on him to consider my feelings. If I leave the marriage, then I'm the one who's fucked things up in his mind. I am going to leave, I can't live without intimacy.

OP posts:
PriestessofPing · 01/04/2022 08:35

I’d feel angry if that was said to me. You may have promised to love him but where did you promise that that included being celibate for the rest of your life?

PriestessofPing · 01/04/2022 08:36

And does it matter to you if he decides you are the one to fuck up the marriage? He’s obviously not reasonable with what he says and sounds like you wouldn’t get him to change his mind.

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 01/04/2022 08:37

If my DH said that to me I'd be extremely pissed off.
There were much more to our vows than being faithful and staying together forever - there were promises to work as a team, to care for each other etc.

Your H is being manipulative and very selfish.

Branleuse · 01/04/2022 08:37

How are you forced?
If youre in the UK you are allowed to divorce him even if he tries to emotionally blackmail into staying.

DysmalRadius · 01/04/2022 08:38

If I leave the marriage, then I'm the one who's fucked things up in his mind.

That's very much a 'him' problem!! One you've left the marriage, what he thinks or expects is no longer your problem - double bonus!!

nonicks · 01/04/2022 08:39

My response would be ‘if you loved me you wouldn’t ask or expect this from me’.

youlightupmyday · 01/04/2022 08:39

Leave him, he is clutching at straws and effectively trying to manipulate you into a prison sentence

ReadyToMoveIt · 01/04/2022 08:39

@PriestessofPing

And does it matter to you if he decides you are the one to fuck up the marriage? He’s obviously not reasonable with what he says and sounds like you wouldn’t get him to change his mind.
Exactly this. So what if he thinks you’re the one who fucked up? You won’t have to be around him for him to tell you that, if you leave.
DebenhamsHadSomeLovelyStuff · 01/04/2022 08:39

Has anything significant happened in his life recently to make him feel different about life ?

whatstheteamarie · 01/04/2022 08:40

And did he tell you as you were planning your wedding that he'd want a celibate marriage?

glitterelf · 01/04/2022 08:40

Yanbu he's being incredibly selfish in trying to guilt trip you with your vows. From your post I can see that if he sought advice from professionals you'd be willing to stand by him and work on things but his unwillingness means you are left in a position of stay or leave, you deserve happiness not a life of feeling trapped and resentful. I know he's shying away from conversation but I would probably put it all down on paper and give it to him. Good luck

ZenNudist · 01/04/2022 08:40

But you didn't vow to be celibate

FetchezLaVache · 01/04/2022 08:42

The pompous terms in which he couched his demands alone would be quite enough to end it IMO!

He's entitled not to want sex ever again, but he is way out of line to try to insist that you stay in a sexless marriage if that's not what you signed up for.

I am very glad you're leaving him, who cares what he thinks? After all, he doesn't seem to care very much about how you feel.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 01/04/2022 08:42

He's abusive, get rid and be free of it.

newtb · 01/04/2022 08:47

If you were married in church, he promised to worship you with his body. Seems he's the one breaking his vous. In refusing to see a GP, where is his love for you?

Bit biased, had nezrly 15 years of this, left when I was 61, after 40 years. Life's too short!

NerdyBird · 01/04/2022 08:49

No fault divorce comes in for the UK in a few days...

Original poster
Nearlyeaster88 · 01/04/2022 09:20

I hate being painted as 'the one who broke the vows'. Sad

OP posts:
PriestessofPing · 01/04/2022 09:38

He might be painting you that way but it isn’t true. Are you religious? Does that have a bearing on how you feel? Or is it that you want his approval or to change his mind somehow about how he views things? If it’s the latter well he is entitled to his opinion that marriage vows mean he can unilaterally decide to end your sexual like at the age of 33 - but that doesn’t mean it’s true or that his opinion has to be your opinion or that he needs to change his views.

Why are you worrying about what he thinks? No one rational believes that it’s reasonable to decide to become celibate and demand your spouse does the same for decades. If he wants to never have sex again then that’s up to him. He doesn’t own you, and he doesn’t get to choose that you never have sex again.

ReadyToMoveIt · 01/04/2022 09:43

@Nearlyeaster88

I hate being painted as 'the one who broke the vows'. Sad
It really doesn’t matter though. He can think what he wants, it doesn’t affect you. He’s painting you that way to absolve himself of any responsibility.
Xpologog · 01/04/2022 09:48

And who is he going to paint this to? This seems like a ploy to keep you quiet as he doesn’t want to broadcast the reason for the marriage breakdown.
With all the publicity and aids for impotence I can’t think why he’d not want to speak to a doctor , they’ve heard and seen it all before.
I think if you stay you’ll have a miserable life, you’re so young do you really want 30-40 years of this?

CPL593H · 01/04/2022 09:52

Obviously we don't know the full story, but my guess would be he's worried he might not get another woman willing to put up with this.

He is of course being totally unreasonable and emotionally blackmailing.

Escarpahell · 01/04/2022 09:59

@Nearlyeaster88

I hate being painted as 'the one who broke the vows'. Sad
Leave it to him to explain to all your friends and family how exactly the vows were broken...
SockFluffInTheBath · 01/04/2022 10:01

Are you particularly religious and can’t countenance divorce? If you don’t have DC already get out now, move in and be happy.

It’s a this a new development, do you think when he’s had time to get his head round whatever it is he might seek medical advice?

SockFluffInTheBath · 01/04/2022 10:01

Move on not move in

IncompleteSenten · 01/04/2022 10:03

Well if he's using breaking vows then remind him of "with my body, I thee worship"