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AIBU?

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Original poster

If you truly loved me, you'd...

93 replies

Nearlyeaster88 · 01/04/2022 08:32

"If you love me and you truly meant the promise you made in your marriage vows, you'll stay faithful & celebate by my side till the day you die". How would you feel if you were told this?
-Spoken by my dh, who has decided that my sex life ends at 33 (hes 46). It's not up for discussion/counselling, he will not see a doctor. I'm really pissed off that I feel I'm being forcibly held to live by my marriage vows but he feels there's no onus on him to consider my feelings. If I leave the marriage, then I'm the one who's fucked things up in his mind. I am going to leave, I can't live without intimacy.

OP posts:
Cameliah · 01/04/2022 10:04

He can’t help it if he has no sex drive. A doctor probably couldn’t resolve it and the result would just be medication with god knows what side effects. Equally you’re reasonable to want to leave the marriage if there’s no sex. Just get a no fault divorce?

Piper22 · 01/04/2022 10:08

Why does he want you both to be celibate?

Comedycook · 01/04/2022 10:09

Just leave.... you'll find someone else who will probably be thrilled to have sex with you. Meanwhile, he can live his celibate life thinking whatever he wants about you...I mean, seriously, who cares?! Enjoy your life.

Zilla1 · 01/04/2022 10:11

People tend to want to be the heroes of their own story and he has created a narrative where he is the hero. It's a stretch as he values his pride or avoidance of embarrassment over your feelings and the marriage so that is on him. Feel free to tell him you will be clear with everyone what led to the break up of the marriage especially if he trots out his lie.

Good luck.

Zilla1 · 01/04/2022 10:13

"A doctor probably couldn’t resolve it and the result would just be medication with god knows what side effects" - complete rubbish and every man with these symptoms should discuss with their GP as these can sometimes be an early indication of significant illness.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 01/04/2022 10:14

Focusing on breaking vows or the if you really loved me emotional blackmail is a bit of a red herring. If the marriage isn't working for you any more then its time to leave. Its a no blame situation as you both want different things now, its just a case of you needing to make the first move to end it.

Chloemol · 01/04/2022 10:17

Look up marriage and procreation both Catholic and Church of England state marriage is to have children, that’s sex

Church of England also mentions sexual union

So now who’s the one breaking vows?

SarahProblem · 01/04/2022 10:17

Unreasonable behaviour on his part. If he's not prepared to try and get it sorted for you, then you should divorce.

Whatwouldscullydo · 01/04/2022 10:17

Just leave. Life is too shirt to be trapped in a sexless marriage with someone who emotionally black mails you.

What happens if you stay , spend years in an unhappy marriage only fir him to walk out ? You'd have given up sex, lived like a nun for no reason.

Youdoyoutoday · 01/04/2022 10:20

But what's the reason behind this?

Is he just not interested in you or sex at all or is it impotence? The first I'd have a real issue with but for impotence, you can get viagra over the counter these days. Also I have found a bit of weight loss has help with this before.

However, I'd be more pissed off with the complete lack of communication on the subject!

Zilla1 · 01/04/2022 10:25

@Chloemol agreed in this case with the hypocritically misguided interpretation but don't these Churches happily marry infertile people and post-menopausal women?

Chickychickydodah · 01/04/2022 10:25

My response would be ‘if you loved me you wouldn’t ask or expect this from me’.

This ⬆️

Watchkeys · 01/04/2022 10:25

He's willing to lie about what you've promised, and you hate to feel like the person who broke a promise. He's comfortable with manipulating you.

You're stuck. OP. He could say to you 'If you leave me, I'll tell everyone you slept with an alien from planet zog', and you'd currently stay.

He's asking you for something that you didn't vow to give him. He's moved the goalposts. Whilst you concern yourself with 'being painted' a particular way, you could be taking away his paint and his brush.

'We didn't vow to be celibate' is the only line you need.

NWQM · 01/04/2022 10:29

My heart ached for you when I read that. I was you. We wanted children too so it was a huge problem. He still didnt get help. This is about you not me but the point us the few people I confided in were very worried about this being another sign of manipulate behaviour. He has grown worse and I should leave him but again a whole other thread.
Please talk to people you trust about your marriage and get other views on how your husband treats you. Have the 'well we havent liked to say but" conversations.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 01/04/2022 10:31

Interesting how the abusive like to fall back on marriage being a prison you cannot escape from when all else fails. Look up 'On Marriage'
by Kahlil Gibran, says much more on what it should be than any vows.

Luckingfovely · 01/04/2022 10:33

Oh he is just grim in the extreme.

Manipulative, controlling, using emotional blackmail.

Please get away from this hideous version of a husband as soon as you possibly can.

Don't like being pictured as the one at fault? He is the only person who will ever think that, and he is using it because he knows it will hobble you and keep you where he wants you. Please don't let him treat you like this.

You have a much, much brighter life in front of you.

Pythone · 01/04/2022 10:33

Getting divorced isn't exactly "breaking the vows" as it's just nullifying them completely. Imposing a sexless marriage IS breaking the vows.

Neverreturntoathread · 01/04/2022 10:36

This relationship is ending because of your DH’s refusal to seek help for his problem. If he’s in his forties and doesn’t want or can’t have sex then something is medically wrong with him (or possibly he is gay?).

I’m sorry he’s blaming you for his refusal to confront his issue.

If the problem is impotence then how come he hasn’t offered to give you a bunch of orgasms a different way? Is not like PIV is the be all and end all for women.

You aren’t breaking wedding vows first, he is. Am not sure which ones you said but all of them have some kind of allusion to the sexual side of marriage eg “with my body I thee worship.”

Obviously leave.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/04/2022 10:36

He's just being controlling, just leave if you're not happy don't waste the life you have on a selfish person.
I have my OH a choice to stay or go or have an open relationship after I became a sex repulsed asexual after the menopause, he went.
But then I don't believe in marriage or marriage vows and have always been completey independent so I don't need a man.
He is always asking to come back as he's finding it hard to make ends meet, but I said no. I'm not here to be used as a bank and as somewhere to live because he doesn't want to work. He needs to find a job and a new life.

lunar1 · 01/04/2022 10:37

It doesn't matter what he thinks ended the marriage. You didn't sign up to have celibacy enforced on you, it's not exactly something you can compromise on. So the marriage is over because it no longer fulfils either of your needs.

lborgia · 01/04/2022 10:37

If you are Catholic, then you could probably get an annulment on the basis of this?

Meanwhile, as others have pointed out, he is the one breaking the vows. Marriage is created for the procreation of children, and you patently won’t be doing that if you aren’t having sex.

Caveat: I’m not saying I believe this, just taken his thinking to its logical conclusion.

WonderfulYou · 01/04/2022 10:44

You can end your marriage for whatever reason.

Yes you made lifelong vows and no one should make these unless they really mean them however I’d rather get divorced than be stick in a relationship that sounds pretty controlling as my DH thinks he can do whatever he wants and I’ll put up with it because of the ‘vows’.

If you’re religious could you not just separate instead of divorcing?
That way you’ll feel less guilt about leaving.

georgarina · 01/04/2022 10:45

You didn't vow to be celibate, so that argument makes no sense.

MarinoRoyale · 01/04/2022 10:48

@ZenNudist

But you didn't vow to be celibate
Exactly! And even if it is your “fault” for ending the marriage (which it wouldn’t be!), does it matter if that’s what he chooses to tell himself to make himself feel better?!
WhenDovesFly · 01/04/2022 10:51

What is the promise he's referring to OP? I don't remember, during my vows, promising to become celibate and live as friends with my husband. Is this just a personal choice, or is there a medical reason for him being unable to be intimate?