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AIBU?

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Original poster

If you truly loved me, you'd...

93 replies

Nearlyeaster88 · 01/04/2022 08:32

"If you love me and you truly meant the promise you made in your marriage vows, you'll stay faithful & celebate by my side till the day you die". How would you feel if you were told this?
-Spoken by my dh, who has decided that my sex life ends at 33 (hes 46). It's not up for discussion/counselling, he will not see a doctor. I'm really pissed off that I feel I'm being forcibly held to live by my marriage vows but he feels there's no onus on him to consider my feelings. If I leave the marriage, then I'm the one who's fucked things up in his mind. I am going to leave, I can't live without intimacy.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 01/04/2022 10:52

Well the vows also say that you will care for the other person etc (depending on exactly what you said but there is usually some version of being with them, taking their feelings and needs into account etc) so unless there's some big drip feed about him having a medical issue which means sex isn't an option for him, I'd say HE is the one who is breaking the vows by not even being willing to discuss this with you or find a solution.

LaurieFairyCake · 01/04/2022 10:56

"Love, honour, cherish"

Means intimate love which can include sex

If he's not going to get down there or cuddle you or kiss you HE'S the one broken his vows

He's clearly defensive cos his cock's stopped working Hmm

Orgasmagorical · 01/04/2022 10:56

If I leave the marriage, then I'm the one who's fucked things up in his mind.

He knows damn fine that it's him, he just wants you to take responsibility because he's too weak to.

I am going to leave, I can't live without intimacy.

Good. I hope you find happiness Flowers

Zilla1 · 01/04/2022 10:56

Suspect he'd be reaching for a different Scriptural basis if it were a 46 year old woman telling him as a 33 year old man that he must be celibate for the reasons he gave.

Crazycrazylady · 01/04/2022 10:58

Op
Aside from the sex thing which would be reason enough to leave but the way he phrased it makes it considerably worse.
Move on , you are still so young and life is so short .

TheCatterall · 01/04/2022 11:01

Can you imagine him telling everyone you broke the vows?

I’m laughing my arse off imagining him explaining to friends and family - well yes she broke the views as she wouldn’t agree to the rest of our marriage and life together having zero intimacy or sex.

Can you imagine what folks would think about HIM!

Karatema · 01/04/2022 11:01

@Nearlyeaster88

I hate being painted as 'the one who broke the vows'. Sad
But you aren't breaking them, he can paint all he likes!

Register Office vows are simple and you are not committing to anything except that you are free to marry. Church vows vary but most say, as well as the sickness and in health bit, to love and to cherish! This is the bit he's not doing so he's breaking them Confused

PaddlingLikeADuck · 01/04/2022 11:05

Well if he's using breaking vows then remind him of "with my body, I thee worship"

Would this kind of comment be used against a woman if she lost her sex drive towards her partner?

That she should just shut up and have sex because she should be worshipping her husband by giving him her body?

Threads like this are the worse on MN.

The double standards are sickening.

Watchkeys · 01/04/2022 11:11

@PaddlingLikeADuck

Normally I'd have the same attitude you have re the double standards, but contextually this is different. He hasn't simply lost his sex drive. He's emotionally manipulating her, using guilt, to keep a promise she hasn't made. Whether that was to do with sex or who does the washing up, it doesn't matter.

Nobody is saying he should have sex with her if he doesn't want to. People are saying that he's forgotten the vows himself, and yet is using the vows to pressure OP into doing something she doesn't want to.

Riseholme · 01/04/2022 11:14

@PaddlingLikeADuck

Well if he's using breaking vows then remind him of "with my body, I thee worship"

Would this kind of comment be used against a woman if she lost her sex drive towards her partner?

That she should just shut up and have sex because she should be worshipping her husband by giving him her body?

Threads like this are the worse on MN.

The double standards are sickening.

If a woman loses her sex drive and doesn't want to be intimate then her dh would have the choice to leave too. I've never seen a comment on MN where a woman spouts vows at her partner because she doesn't want sex. More likely she feels angst because she has empathy. This man is not showing any empathy. He's not having a discussion he's just laying down the rules how he sees them. You're my wife. I don't want sex. You agreed to xyz and I'm holding you to it.

It's not comparable.

ReadyToMoveIt · 01/04/2022 11:15

@PaddlingLikeADuck

Well if he's using breaking vows then remind him of "with my body, I thee worship"

Would this kind of comment be used against a woman if she lost her sex drive towards her partner?

That she should just shut up and have sex because she should be worshipping her husband by giving him her body?

Threads like this are the worse on MN.

The double standards are sickening.

If it was the other way round, people would be saying he’s entitled to leave her if he doesn’t want a life of celibacy. And that’s what people are saying here… she’s entitled to leave. Except he’s trying to coerce her into staying by saying she’s breaking her marriage vows.
HellToTheNope · 01/04/2022 11:15

Your husband thinks so little of you it's shocking.

If I leave the marriage, then I'm the one who's fucked things up in his mind.

You shouldn't even care what he thinks. He doesn't care about what you think or need at all.

steppemum · 01/04/2022 11:23

the reply is

and if you really loved me you would care about me enough to try and sort out problems.
We have a problem, that your sex drive has disappeared, but you are not willing to sort it out.
You have broken the vows to care for each other, because you don't care enough about me to go to the doctor.

halfsiesonapotnoodle · 01/04/2022 11:28

Til death us do part? Death of your marriage and relationship is what it is, OP. That's more than enough of a reason to leave.

Birkenshock · 01/04/2022 11:43

You shouldn't care what he thinks, and it doesn't matter what other people think. Those who know you and love you will know your personality - that you're loyal, that you wouldn't break up your marriage over nothing, so that it must be something big if you had to leave.

I left my husband when I was pregnant, with a two & a 3yr old. Just walked away. I never had to tell a soul why, or explain how he had behaved etc, people just knew that a woman doesn't walk out on her marriage without good reason.

You're 33. Life your life. Find joy again.

Whatwouldscullydo · 01/04/2022 11:45

Til death us do part? Death of your marriage and relationship is what it is, OP. That's more than enough of a reason to leave

Perhaps it's time to re write marriage vows. Were they actually written in a time where forever meant well Into your 90s?

FannylovesDick · 01/04/2022 12:08

Didn’t he promise to honour you with his body or something like that in your vows? Two can play that game.

Unfortunately he can choose to not have sex, but likewise you can choose not to stay in a marriage with no intimacy.

GladAllOver · 01/04/2022 12:40

Personally I'd be starting to look for a sexually satisfying partner right away, and getting a divorce. He has no right to deny you that physical satisfaction.

ChoiceMummy · 01/04/2022 15:40

@Nearlyeaster88

I hate being painted as 'the one who broke the vows'. Sad
Sadly, whether you like it or not, and regardless whether his attitude is reasonable or not, it will be you choosing sex over the marriage as there are many ways to have intimacy without penetrative sex.
JungleRed · 01/04/2022 16:00

If anyone said that to me my vagina would hermetically seal itself immediately whenever I was in their proximity anyway. Time to ditch and go scratch that itch! Good luck, OP.

FayCarew · 01/04/2022 16:13

You promised to love and honour each other. It doesn't sound like he can give you the love you deserve

BadNomad · 01/04/2022 19:00

"If you truly loved me you would try everything to resolve the lack of sex before you'd ask me to be celibate for the rest of your life."

Cocomarine · 01/04/2022 19:03

@Nearlyeaster88

I hate being painted as 'the one who broke the vows'. Sad
That’s on you. Only you can make yourself feel like that, not him. Stop wallowing in nonsense like that, and tell him to get to fuck!
galacticpixels · 01/04/2022 19:08

I wouldn't worry about how he's "painting you" because I highly doubt he's going to tell anyone that you left because he couldn't have/didn't want to have sex. And you yourself know you're not being unreasonable. It doesn't matter what lies he tells himself.

housemaus · 01/04/2022 23:17

Fuck him, manipulative shite.

You're not "breaking your vows". He promised to love and honour and respect you, did he not? Well, refusing to address a problem that affects a big part of most marriages and unilaterally altering your marriage permanently isn't loving or respectful, nor does it honour the time you've committed to the relationship.

This isn't "what a bitch, she left me over sex". This is "I ended my marriage because my husband refused to try and fix a problem or find a compromise". It's about him saying your feelings and needs are less important than his own and then guilt tripping you if you try and have your own response to that. He doesn't have to have sex but he doesn't get to make you out to be a bad person because you don't agree to a sexless marriage without consultation.

If he'd been to a doctor and you'd had sex therapy together or separately and come to the conclusion that penetrative sex (or sex acts generally) were off the table but come up with a list of ways to maintain intimacy and closeness, you might have felt different. Certainly you'd have felt considered and like an equal partner in the discussion about the future of your relationship, even if you ultimately decided it wasn't what you wanted. THAT'S the problem here - he's cut you out of the discussion.