If you truly loved me, you'd...

[Nearlyeaster88]

"If you love me and you truly meant the promise you made in your marriage vows, you'll stay faithful & celebate by my side till the day you die". How would you feel if you were told this?
-Spoken by my dh, who has decided that my sex life ends at 33 (hes 46). It's not up for discussion/counselling, he will not see a doctor. I'm really pissed off that I feel I'm being forcibly held to live by my marriage vows but he feels there's no onus on him to consider my feelings. If I leave the marriage, then I'm the one who's fucked things up in his mind. I am going to leave, I can't live without intimacy.

@ChoiceMummy - ODFOD.

She said she won't get any intimacy. You're the one making assumptions.

[quote lborgia]@ChoiceMummy - ODFOD.

She said she won't get any intimacy. You're the one making assumptions.[/quote]
No, reading the op fully, it's apparent that the op equates intimacy with sex.

If we're going to go by the marriage vows, what happened to "to have and to hold, to love and to cherish"?

To clarify, I'm not saying anyone should have sex they don't want. I'm pointing out the hypocrisy and absurdity of holding someone to one vow while breaking another.

I'm not planning to get divorced, but we didn't have vows.

OP, I feel for you here - and it seems like what's worrying you the most is other people's opinions about your split - and the lies your STBEXH might tell them.

What you have to weigh up is: Which is worse... other people believing his nonsense and thinking badly of you, or staying in a celibate relationship to stop the rumours...

And if he truly loved you, he’d consider your need for intimacy to be more important than his embarrassment and see a bloody doctor. What is he compensating for? Is he really gay and using you as a smokescreen? Get out. He’s hateful.

He’s the one that has broken the vows: “with my body I honour you…”
Regardless, he sounds unhinged. Ducks in a row time.

I did not sign ip to become a nun. I would hop into bed with someone else with no hesitation and quickly.

@Nearlyeaster88

I hate being painted as 'the one who broke the vows'.

Ok, keep your vows and never have sex again.

Not sure what you want people to say, there aren't any magic words that will make him change his attitude. You have 2 choices - stay or leave. Both choices might he absolutely shit but they are still yours to make.

So he's made a unilateral decision about one of the main aspects of a marriage and now feels he can guilt trip you on top of rejecting you?
Fuck that OP. You may have said till death do us part, but in that case I imagine he vowed to love and cherish you.
So if his accusations around the vows are upsetting you, he broke them first, didn't he?
You are under no obligation to remain in a sexless marriage if you don't want to. It's an extremely valid reason to divorce.
Put yourself first.

@Nearlyeaster88

I hate being painted as 'the one who broke the vows'.

Of course you do. That's why he's using it to manipulate you. Are you going to live as a married nun for the rest of your life because of that?

Virtue, true virtue, true goodness, is often not what we are told it is.

@Nearlyeaster88

I hate being painted as 'the one who broke the vows'.

You’ve not. If an unconsummated marriage can be legally annulled, then the implication is that sexual intimacy is an essential part of the marriage contract. It’s not within the power of one person to withdraw that unilaterally with no explanation or consequence.

I’d be perfectly clear about your reasons for leaving with anyone you wish to tell. No reasonable person would expect you to live the rest of your life in celibacy.

What a manipulative shit. He is saying if you really loved him, you would put up with any massive decisions he makes that adversely affect you for the rest of your life? Easy to turn it round on him though, if he really loved you he wouldnt make a decision that hurts you so much and he would try to find a middle ground.

Annulment!
You are a young woman and of childbearing age.
He is denying you your right of procreation for which marriage exists (C of E & Catholic)
He is breaking the marriage vows not you.

@Nearlyeaster88

I hate being painted as 'the one who broke the vows'.

Well, painted TO who? If he is going to go around telling people that you wouldn't live a celebate life, I can guarantee most people would be applauding your departure....

I hate being painted as 'the one who broke the vows'

In that case you might want to remind him that there's something about "Love her, comfort her, honour and keep her" in there too, and he seems to be failing on the second and third ones at least

Sex lives can wax and wane but you don't get to treat your spouse with what amounts to mental cruelty, which is where our secular laws come in handy

You are breaking your wedding vows as is he but you have nothing to fear about being the one seen to be breaking the marriage vows.

Just let it be known that he refused to have sex with you.

No one will take his side.

I’m pretty sure there’s a bit in the marriage vows about ‘with my body I honour you’ - I took that to mean a promise of a physical relationship when I made my vows. The marriage didn’t work out but I always see the vows as a kind of contract and that was part of it. Maybe I’m wrong?