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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What's fair in this relationship?

84 replies

pinksunshine101 · 01/04/2022 08:05

Hi there

I wanted a bit of advice regarding my living situation with my partner. We have been seeing each other for 18 months and I love him very much. We are both early 30's, work in a similar field and have lots in common. I have one child, he has two who he sees every other weekend and half hols.

My issue is that he lives with his parents and I have my own rented place where I live with my son. He naturally comes over to mine to stay and spend time with me. He will normally be here between 3- 5 nights a week here (sometimes more), if it's a week he doesn't have his kids. The weeks where he does, he will spend approx 4 nights here. He lives home with parents.

I'm not doing the best financially..bills are already high but increasing even more now..my sons father has stopped paying CMA/isn't working/fiddle papers so I'm feeling the pressure even more.

I feel that my partner should be contributing more when he is here. When he comes, he does buy soft drinks and snacks. If we get a takeaway/lunch out, we either go halves, or take it in turns to cover it.

However, I think he should be paying a set about to cover the extra costs such as heating/gas/water/the little expenses like shower gel/toilet roll/toothpaste etc - or if he isn't happy to pay that, he should stay at his house for the majority of the week and stay at mine for just 2 nights and be treated as a guest and not have to pay a set amount. Even knowing I'd be getting £20 a week from him while he is here would help at that would cover a bulk of my fuel bill/broadband etc.

I brought this up with him last night and we've had a massive bust up that I think we are over. He doesn't think he should have to do that and I should cover it as it's my house. He believes that the snacks and times he covers the food are more than enough. He is adamant that he doesn't stay at mine that often (he does). He's made me feel like I'm asking too much and now I'm just not sure if I am indeed the one being too demanding and expecting too much from him.

So, what do you think in this situation? I want him to stay with me but only if he is going to contribute - it's hard because I love him but I hate constantly feeling like I'm supporting him - when he is very very well off, he just doesn't spend it!

Thanks

OP posts:

Mummytobe93 · 01/04/2022 08:08

He’s an immature man child & a cocklodger @pinksunshine101

you're better off without

AlternativelyWired · 01/04/2022 08:08

You've got yourself a cocklodger. If it is the end of the relationship then good riddance. He can go back to sponging off mummy and daddy full time.

Mummytobe93 · 01/04/2022 08:10

If a man in his 30’s doesn’t understand the very basics of life, he’s never going to. He’s cleared had it too good for too long with his parents, don’t make him your responsibility too. You’ve already have a child

Thedogscollar · 01/04/2022 08:12

This would put me right off him. So he basically lives at yours for 3/5 nights per week sometimes more, using all your facilities and thinks some drinks n snacks covers it

Greedy bastard springs to mind.

Ragwort · 01/04/2022 08:16

He sounds very unattractive... why do want him to stay over so frequently- is it for sex? A grown man living with his parents and then sponging off his GF ... he's got it made hasn't he? I bet his mum does his washing too.

As a parent to an adult DS I would be appalled if my DS treated both my home and his GF's with such disdain.

Bin him.

Sidhdbej · 01/04/2022 08:17

When me and DH had been together a similar amount and I rented with my DD and he owned his own house about half an hour away but stayed at mine a similar amount I had the same conversation with him, it was costing me in bills and fuel to have him there that often and I was struggling being a single mum with no help from the father. He was mortified and started transferring me £150 a month to cover what he was costing me.

Please don't stay with a cocklodger, you and your child deserve better.

Ragwort · 01/04/2022 08:17

And what message does it give your DC if this waste of space is sleeping over so frequently?

Rainbowqueeen · 01/04/2022 08:18

Not a nice guy.

You’re better off without him

You could be spending that money on your child. Let him go.
Does he even cook, wash up or anything useful at yours??

Rainbowqueeen · 01/04/2022 08:20

Also, you ask what is fair. I’d say fair would be him paying for all the food shopping each week. Yes he doesn’t eat every meal but the extra can cover the cost of utilities he is using. I also think he should be cooking half the meals when he is there and cleaning up after the other half.

StrangeCondition · 01/04/2022 08:20

Cocklodger, throw this one back. You shouldn't even have to ask for a contribution, any decent bloke would offer

Philisophigal · 01/04/2022 08:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

Riverlee · 01/04/2022 08:24

You’ve viewing this from different perspectives. You’re viewing it that he he is living with you part-time, so should contribute, whist he’s viewing it that he’s visiting you, so is a guest.

PriestessofPing · 01/04/2022 08:27

This would really put me off too. Why is he still
living with his parents if he is so well off? Does he have caring responsibilities to them or something? Or does he just sponge off them and hoard all his money?

He’s completely tight fisted, happy to gaslight you and would rather walk away than contribute even a small amount to the household where he spends loads of his time. Does he even help with cooking or cleaning when he is at yours?

If I were in your shoes i’d let him go, he sounds selfish and miserly.

Thehop · 01/04/2022 08:29

I can’t believe you even had to ask! Let this one go, he’s awful!

His mean attitude will get worse.

Daisydoesnt · 01/04/2022 08:32

You shouldn't even have to ask for a contribution, any decent bloke would offer

This. Any decent person would offer, especially the amount he is staying and after 18 MONTHS!!!!

He's tight and selfish and that's a horrible, horrible combination. This is not someone you want as a life partner OP. You might love him very much and have lots in common, but it's things like THIS^^ that are the things you really want to pay attention to, they tell you so much about someone's character, far more than all the "fun" stuff.

Underfrighter · 01/04/2022 08:33

He is a dick. A decent person would have been mortified that you were struggling and that instead of helping you they were making things worse. If he is staying there 4 nights a week that's about a third of the utilities and food he is benefiting from. Soft drinks and snacks is a drop in the ocean

lemongreentea · 01/04/2022 08:34

His reaction makes him sound mean. And being tight is not an attractive quality.

Ask him to bring his own toilet paper/toothpaste and all food and drink when he stays as you dont have the budget to provide it for him. Also his own bedding to take back to his parents to wash to keep your water and electricity bill down. If hes having breakfast at yours then he needs to provide milk and top up the electricity meter if he wants a cooked breakfast. Tell him to also bring a fully charged portable battery to charge his phone as electricity is costing you too much.

He doesn't sound great OP. Is he nice in other ways OP or tight in all aspects of life?

BritInUS1 · 01/04/2022 08:35

Presumably your council tax is more too if he is there that much as you wouldn't be able to claim the single person discount

Blossomtoes · 01/04/2022 08:38

@StrangeCondition

Cocklodger, throw this one back. You shouldn't even have to ask for a contribution, any decent bloke would offer

This. Celebrate him removing himself from your life and move on.

SafelySoftly · 01/04/2022 08:38

That’s a lot of time to be spending with you. Are your kids ok with this? It’s still early on the relationship. And someone who denies how often/doesn’t contribute when he knows you’re struggling financially isn’t worth dating. It doesn’t sound like you have the best judgement if your ex isn’t contributing either.

SpilltheTea · 01/04/2022 08:41

Send the sponger back to his parents. He clearly doesn't want to be an adult. Very unattractive.

billy1966 · 01/04/2022 08:43

He's using you and your home forca break from his parents.

He's mean and he's a liar.

He knows well how much he is at yours but he thinks you are a mug.

This is not a good relationship.

You are jeopardising your financial security and that of your child by having a man half living off you in your home.

Don't be foolish.
Don't be used.

This is who he is.
A mean user who probably targeted you as a single mother, with a home who would accept being used.

Your child deserves better.
So do you.

He's a user and he is using you.

Stop being a mug.

billy1966 · 01/04/2022 08:45

He's well off because he is taking money from you that should be for your child.
Shameful.

You can bet he's living off his parents too.

His type NEVER want to pay for anything.

HouseOfRunners · 01/04/2022 08:47

If the relationship is over I think you’ve had a lucky escape. I dated one like this, he would suggest a night out, and then look at me every time it was time to pay the bill! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Aprilx · 01/04/2022 08:52

He is a big child, wants you or his parents to take care of his basic needs. Even if you got the £20 a week that you mentioned out of him now, this doesn’t bode well. I would Chuck him back and find a proper grown up one.

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