What's fair in this relationship?

[pinksunshine101]

Hi there

I wanted a bit of advice regarding my living situation with my partner. We have been seeing each other for 18 months and I love him very much. We are both early 30's, work in a similar field and have lots in common. I have one child, he has two who he sees every other weekend and half hols.

My issue is that he lives with his parents and I have my own rented place where I live with my son. He naturally comes over to mine to stay and spend time with me. He will normally be here between 3- 5 nights a week here (sometimes more), if it's a week he doesn't have his kids. The weeks where he does, he will spend approx 4 nights here. He lives home with parents.

I'm not doing the best financially..bills are already high but increasing even more now..my sons father has stopped paying CMA/isn't working/fiddle papers so I'm feeling the pressure even more.

I feel that my partner should be contributing more when he is here. When he comes, he does buy soft drinks and snacks. If we get a takeaway/lunch out, we either go halves, or take it in turns to cover it.

However, I think he should be paying a set about to cover the extra costs such as heating/gas/water/the little expenses like shower gel/toilet roll/toothpaste etc - or if he isn't happy to pay that, he should stay at his house for the majority of the week and stay at mine for just 2 nights and be treated as a guest and not have to pay a set amount. Even knowing I'd be getting £20 a week from him while he is here would help at that would cover a bulk of my fuel bill/broadband etc.

I brought this up with him last night and we've had a massive bust up that I think we are over. He doesn't think he should have to do that and I should cover it as it's my house. He believes that the snacks and times he covers the food are more than enough. He is adamant that he doesn't stay at mine that often (he does). He's made me feel like I'm asking too much and now I'm just not sure if I am indeed the one being too demanding and expecting too much from him.

So, what do you think in this situation? I want him to stay with me but only if he is going to contribute - it's hard because I love him but I hate constantly feeling like I'm supporting him - when he is very very well off, he just doesn't spend it!

Thanks

@Philisophigal, you are so very wrong.

Op, please see this for the major red flag it is. Firstly this should not have escalated and that speaks to him being defensive when challenged...massive red flag.
Secondly he is denying the reality of living costs, food is expensive so he should be contributing to food if he is eating regularly at your house. Massive redflag as it suggests he is gaslighting you.

Thirdly as a single mum solely responsible for a child your partner should have basic levels of empathy. If he couldn't genuinely help then he should be supportive and caring. Red flag galore. I ignored a similar lack of empathy earlier on in my relationship with Ex H...Once I married the lack of empathy escalated and I realised I should have bailed at the first sign. He was Hindsight is of course wonderful. Please take on board comments. This isn't you.

If you left a previous destructive relationship have you just hooked up with someone outwardly better but still the potential for being a user??

I'm a single mum and unfortunately you're a target for men like this. They know you have the qualities they're looking for, organised, capable, nice home, food and washing well planned and organised. And they want to benefit from your home, your money, your whole infrastructure and don't want to contribute in a financial way, or any way. Complete unattractive men children. Dump him and put your time, energy and money into your future and your child

Let's take the things he should pay for that you wouldn't use if he wasn't there:

• toothpaste, loo roll, shower gel
• food
• shower heating

I'm not sure that's 20.00 per week but it depends how much he continues to food. That can add up.

I don't think he should cover broadband, fuel bills etc. as you would need to pay them anyway. It's not 'fair' he should pay towards what you would need to pay if he wasn't there. The implication he has been 'cocklodging' so far probably got his back up.

However, as a loving partner he should want to help you out with money if you're struggling and he has fewer outgoings. Are you open about the finances with him? Sure he really understand how little you have and is still being difficult about it? Maybe he doesn't like that he feels you are 'charging' him to be your boyfriend when really you just need some financial support from your partner and to be treated to things eg. The takeaways etc on him.

The obsession with being 'fair' is what has caused this because there will be different perceptions of what is 'fair' and clearly you both have a different perception of this. However, saying 'I'm finding it difficult and I would appreciate some help' is different. If he still responded in the way he has, he doesn't care about you and doesn't see a future with you.

Thank you for your responses, they are helping me to stay strong. I have sent him a message ending it and literally in tears atm.
I don't understand it as in every other way he is perfect but financially, he is mean.

It’s not about whether she’s struggling financially @MerryMarigold. If she was earning £200k he should still make a financial contribution. Freeloading is the same regardless of the income of the person you’re sponging off.

Well it doesn’t sound like he will pay so I can’t see how you will resolve it.

I don’t think you should be charging him for his share of shower gel and toothpaste but he should be contributing more than snacks and drinks, especially if he is well off.

You said it yourself in your op, he’s well off because he doesn’t spend his money.

When DH and I first got together he'd moved back to his parents as he'd relocated and was restraining in a new field and last place he lives was shared with ex. I had just bought my own flat but was in a low public sector practitioner wage and could just about make ends meet. Over time it went from one or two nights a week which was fine and guest territory, up to 4/5, he offered rent. I said at that point you don't live here so no rent, but yes a contribution to food and bills would be appreciated. He had lived alone and lived with a previous partner so once what a home costs to run. Has your partner ever lived anywhere other than with his parents? Assuming he has as he has children, he knows he's taking the piss.

@Rememberitwell

Well it doesn’t sound like he will pay so I can’t see how you will resolve it.

I don’t think you should be charging him for his share of shower gel and toothpaste but he should be contributing more than snacks and drinks, especially if he is well off.

You said it yourself in your op, he’s well off because he doesn’t spend his money.

Why the hell not? Why should you be subbing another adult for basic needs? It's not like he's a stay at home dad providing all of the housework and childcare in lieu of a financial contribution.

The OP herself is actually less well off than him, so why should she be supporting him?

Well done for dumping him OP. I think it's very unlikely that in the long term he'd be a good and loving partner if he's that mean and entitled and not even willing to have an adult conversation about how to resolve financial issues between you and what would be fair to both sides.

Be grateful if it is over. I had one of these attach itself to me and I cant even think about how much it siphoned off me that should have been spent on my children. They are parasites who are only in it for what they can get from you. Think about it... the first time in 18 months you have brought up how much he is stealing from you, he causes a fight and threatens the end of the relationship. He is telling you right there what you mean to him - nothing unless you continue to pay. I know its hard, but this is not love. The sooner you detach the parasite the sooner you can free yourself to find actual love. 18 months is about when the limerence starts to end and you discover what the relationship is really about - you know now, no more excuses. Don't go into the upcoming poverty crisis with a parasite attached to you - its not fair on you or your child.

I had one of these too, it makes me so angry when I think of all the money I spent covering his living expenses over the years. Would have had thousands more to spend on myself and my DC if I hadn't been hoodwinked into it. You've had a lucky escape.

I think you’re a strong, independent woman who knows the value of her own worth, and of the cost of living, and isn’t prepared to be taken advantage of. And I think you’ve done the right thing. There’s no long-term future with a man like that, or not one that’s going to do you any good.

He should pay for the extra costs of him being there. But, if he's already paying his way with food, then that will literally be the odd squeeze of shower gel, the odd blob of toothpaste, a tiny fraction of the water/energy costs to cover his shower etc. It won't add up to anything close to £20 per week, not likely even £10 per month!

You can't expect him to subsidise your household costs. The big issue seems to be that your ex isn't paying his way in supporting his son. That is what you should be focusing on.

@Philisophigal

Internet costs thr same ni manner how many people use it. 1 or twenty people can sit under a light bulb and it cost the same. I assume you'd heat your place regardless. If you are on water rates, it's not costing you anymore to have him there. I'd you don't want.to pay for shower gel and tooth paste, don't have him to stay.

Basically the problem is that you are skint and you wish he'd give you some money to help out because he isn't skint. And you've dressed it up in a way that seems more justifiable.

I would be upset if someone asked me to stay all the time and then expected me to pay. YABU.

Extra loads in washing machine, showers or baths daily, toilet flushes multiple times per day (one of bigger uses of water metered - mst people are now metered), extra charging for his devices, and any other electronics he uses. . Food-given a grown man will consume more food than her 1 kid that is an enormous increase. Add to that her effort in cleaning up for an extra person (unless he does that and takes on that in his thanks for staying) £20 is a joke in terms of costs…with the increase in energy, broadband bills etc. Note that this is not a case of give and take. The Op does not stay nights at his so it evens up …it is just him living with her more than he is living in his own “home” and that home he is also like Y to be getting housekeeping covered as well as roof over his head at a discount too.

It won't add up to anything close to £20 per week, not likely even £10 per month!

Are you for real?? Where do you live that an adult can eat, wash twice a day, charge devices etc for £2.50 a week. If he stays 4 nights you are attributing his costs at 60p a day. If that's the case then benefits can be cut and there would be no need for food banks as an additional adult can live on £18.00 a month for food, heating etc.

@mrsm43s

He should pay for the extra costs of him being there. But, if he's already paying his way with food, then that will literally be the odd squeeze of shower gel, the odd blob of toothpaste, a tiny fraction of the water/energy costs to cover his shower etc. It won't add up to anything close to £20 per week, not likely even £10 per month!

You can't expect him to subsidise your household costs. The big issue seems to be that your ex isn't paying his way in supporting his son. That is what you should be focusing on.

This is crap. Having an adult male and his two kids pulling into your home more than half the time is a huge increase in costs. They all use extra electricity and water and proper food and drinks not just snacks. Make demands on the heating and hot water, dish washer runs more often, sheets have to washed twice as often. Toiletries, loo paper etc all disappear twice as fast too. And since they are not paying for any of it they use up as much as they can in my experience. Its a complete and utter piss take.

You've done the right thing OP . He was being completely unreasonable. So, he just paid a few soft drinks and snacks and you bought all the rest of the food for 3-5 nights per week?! And used your space, bills etc. No, just not OK. He could "live with" his parents (although he wasn't really was he? He was living with you more than 50%!) and enjoy all the comforts of a home with his partner the majority of the time but without contributing at all.

Sounds like he has got too used to living for free (I assume) at his parents and can't understand why you can't just subsidise him too. Entitled and unattractive.

@AlternativelyWired

You've got yourself a cocklodger. If it is the end of the relationship then good riddance. He can go back to sponging off mummy and daddy full time.

Yes I agree get rid

@MerryMarigold

Let's take the things he should pay for that you wouldn't use if he wasn't there:

• toothpaste, loo roll, shower gel
• food
• shower heating

I'm not sure that's 20.00 per week but it depends how much he continues to food. That can add up.

I don't think he should cover broadband, fuel bills etc. as you would need to pay them anyway. It's not 'fair' he should pay towards what you would need to pay if he wasn't there. The implication he has been 'cocklodging' so far probably got his back up.

However, as a loving partner he should want to help you out with money if you're struggling and he has fewer outgoings. Are you open about the finances with him? Sure he really understand how little you have and is still being difficult about it? Maybe he doesn't like that he feels you are 'charging' him to be your boyfriend when really you just need some financial support from your partner and to be treated to things eg. The takeaways etc on him.

The obsession with being 'fair' is what has caused this because there will be different perceptions of what is 'fair' and clearly you both have a different perception of this. However, saying 'I'm finding it difficult and I would appreciate some help' is different. If he still responded in the way he has, he doesn't care about you and doesn't see a future with you.

This!

I had a similar situation with a well off, older man who had moved into my flat. After nearly 8 months I asked if he would contribute to some of the food and utilities, I had just wanted to open up the conversation on cost sharing and understand if he wanted to move in long term as we’d not had that conversation. About a week later he literally did a Dear John on me and moved out whilst I was at a family lunch. I was devastated. I didn’t know the term cocklodger at the time but wish I had as I may have realised what a disgusting man child cocklodger he was then instead of spending months utterly devastated.

Best of luck!

Any man still living with his parents in his 30s would be very unattractive to me.

He's sponging off them and also sponging off you.

You've brought it up and tried to address it like and adult and he's reacted like this...

I think you've had a lucky escape. Finish things with him properly and move on.

At least you found out what he is really like

I would be ending the relationship

I don't understand it as in every other way he is perfect but financially, he is mean

OP the truth is people aren't mean with money but generous of spirit in every other aspect of life. Mean, tight, grasping people are like that in every aspect of their life, you just haven't seen it in him yet. This is NOT someone you want to share your life with.

I still can't get over that a man earning well and living at home with his parents hasn't OFFERED you, a single mother, a bit of extra cash to go towards the basic expenses of running a home, that he apparently enjoys spending time at. What a total skinflint. Ugh.

I'm sorry you're feeling sad, but I'm sure you've done the right thing.

You’ve done the right thing ending it, because you feel that in general he is financially mean - and that’s never a good thing in a partner. Careful yes, mean no.

However, I would be concerned at being seen as a cash cow if my boyfriend tried to charge me for stating over. As others have said - what is the actual impact? If I was being charged for toothpaste, I would think that person was the financially mean one.

Why I’m unsure about your charging, is that you mention “heating/gas/water/the little expenses like shower gel/toilet roll/toothpaste etc”

And yet not food. If he’s eating with you 3-5 nights a week, that’s where your main cost is (+ breakfast?). So it’s a bit odd not to mention it. You do say he buys soft drinks and snacks. Hard to see that those would balance the cost of actual meals - but, as you haven’t mentioned food consumption and cost, it does make me wonder.

@CherryDocsInYrBalls

I'm a single mum and unfortunately you're a target for men like this. They know you have the qualities they're looking for, organised, capable, nice home, food and washing well planned and organised. And they want to benefit from your home, your money, your whole infrastructure and don't want to contribute in a financial way, or any way. Complete unattractive men children. Dump him and put your time, energy and money into your future and your child

This is spot on.

@Philisophigal

Internet costs thr same ni manner how many people use it. 1 or twenty people can sit under a light bulb and it cost the same. I assume you'd heat your place regardless. If you are on water rates, it's not costing you anymore to have him there. I'd you don't want.to pay for shower gel and tooth paste, don't have him to stay.

Basically the problem is that you are skint and you wish he'd give you some money to help out because he isn't skint. And you've dressed it up in a way that seems more justifiable.

I would be upset if someone asked me to stay all the time and then expected me to pay. YABU.

Agree entirely. He's costing you 10p extra in toiletries maybe per visit. Him staying is not the reason you have no money, but I guess getting money off him seems an easy way to increase your income.

If it's such an issue tell him to bring his own shower gel and toothpaste.