What's fair in this relationship?

[pinksunshine101]

Hi there

I wanted a bit of advice regarding my living situation with my partner. We have been seeing each other for 18 months and I love him very much. We are both early 30's, work in a similar field and have lots in common. I have one child, he has two who he sees every other weekend and half hols.

My issue is that he lives with his parents and I have my own rented place where I live with my son. He naturally comes over to mine to stay and spend time with me. He will normally be here between 3- 5 nights a week here (sometimes more), if it's a week he doesn't have his kids. The weeks where he does, he will spend approx 4 nights here. He lives home with parents.

I'm not doing the best financially..bills are already high but increasing even more now..my sons father has stopped paying CMA/isn't working/fiddle papers so I'm feeling the pressure even more.

I feel that my partner should be contributing more when he is here. When he comes, he does buy soft drinks and snacks. If we get a takeaway/lunch out, we either go halves, or take it in turns to cover it.

However, I think he should be paying a set about to cover the extra costs such as heating/gas/water/the little expenses like shower gel/toilet roll/toothpaste etc - or if he isn't happy to pay that, he should stay at his house for the majority of the week and stay at mine for just 2 nights and be treated as a guest and not have to pay a set amount. Even knowing I'd be getting £20 a week from him while he is here would help at that would cover a bulk of my fuel bill/broadband etc.

I brought this up with him last night and we've had a massive bust up that I think we are over. He doesn't think he should have to do that and I should cover it as it's my house. He believes that the snacks and times he covers the food are more than enough. He is adamant that he doesn't stay at mine that often (he does). He's made me feel like I'm asking too much and now I'm just not sure if I am indeed the one being too demanding and expecting too much from him.

So, what do you think in this situation? I want him to stay with me but only if he is going to contribute - it's hard because I love him but I hate constantly feeling like I'm supporting him - when he is very very well off, he just doesn't spend it!

Thanks

Just by contrast OP, my bf and I don’t live together but because I have DC and he doesn’t, he stays at mine a lot more than I stay at his. We have been together 19 months.

He pays for all meals when we eat out (even for my DC), which we do pretty often, even when I try to pay. I tend to drive more than he does when he’s here so when I fill up at the pump he’ll jump out of the car and go and pay. We live quite a distance away so if he’s stayed for a week or so, I’ll randomly often find he’s just bunged £100 in my account, so I’m not out of pocket (even though he’ll have paid for pretty much everything while he’s here). We just went on holiday and he paid for literally everything while we were away, except for the flights which I had a voucher for from a couple of years ago.

Set your sights higher.

Id get him to fuck quite frankly.

@Mummytobe93

He’s an immature man child & a cocklodger *@pinksunshine101*

you're better off without

Yep you've done yourself a favour.

Not sure why but men like this seem to seek out single mothers (maybe as a replacement for their own?)

How are you doing OP? Hope you are okay

Any plans for Easter Holidays?

@pinksunshine101

I know you're hurting right now but you've absolutely done the right thing. Please don't doubt yourself - you are absolutely in the right. Stay strong! 🌹

Well if this thread shows anything, it's that there is the whole breadth of thoughts on this... everything from he costs 10p a day to stay with you to £20 a week isn't enough.
Anyway, Well Done for bringing up the subject. It has obviously been playing on your mind.

However the biggest thing here for me is his reaction to you bringing it up. Instead of discussing it like an adult and proposing a solution, he causes an argument about it. On this basis YANBU to dump his sorry arse!

Lose him. He won't pay his own pay.

@BritInUS1

Presumably your council tax is more too if he is there that much as you wouldn't be able to claim the single person discount

Not unless its his main residence

@Sugarplumfairy65 as far as the authorities are concerned if he's spending more time at ops than elsewhere it IS his main residence it's not actually up to op or him to determine that and that's where people like op can get caught out and stung for fraud