What's fair in this relationship?

[pinksunshine101]

Hi there

I wanted a bit of advice regarding my living situation with my partner. We have been seeing each other for 18 months and I love him very much. We are both early 30's, work in a similar field and have lots in common. I have one child, he has two who he sees every other weekend and half hols.

My issue is that he lives with his parents and I have my own rented place where I live with my son. He naturally comes over to mine to stay and spend time with me. He will normally be here between 3- 5 nights a week here (sometimes more), if it's a week he doesn't have his kids. The weeks where he does, he will spend approx 4 nights here. He lives home with parents.

I'm not doing the best financially..bills are already high but increasing even more now..my sons father has stopped paying CMA/isn't working/fiddle papers so I'm feeling the pressure even more.

I feel that my partner should be contributing more when he is here. When he comes, he does buy soft drinks and snacks. If we get a takeaway/lunch out, we either go halves, or take it in turns to cover it.

However, I think he should be paying a set about to cover the extra costs such as heating/gas/water/the little expenses like shower gel/toilet roll/toothpaste etc - or if he isn't happy to pay that, he should stay at his house for the majority of the week and stay at mine for just 2 nights and be treated as a guest and not have to pay a set amount. Even knowing I'd be getting £20 a week from him while he is here would help at that would cover a bulk of my fuel bill/broadband etc.

I brought this up with him last night and we've had a massive bust up that I think we are over. He doesn't think he should have to do that and I should cover it as it's my house. He believes that the snacks and times he covers the food are more than enough. He is adamant that he doesn't stay at mine that often (he does). He's made me feel like I'm asking too much and now I'm just not sure if I am indeed the one being too demanding and expecting too much from him.

So, what do you think in this situation? I want him to stay with me but only if he is going to contribute - it's hard because I love him but I hate constantly feeling like I'm supporting him - when he is very very well off, he just doesn't spend it!

Thanks

Meanness is such an unattractive trait, it is so off-putting. Living with his parents would also really put me off. The fact he kicked off about it shows he wasn't purely ignorant of this, he was calculating. If it just hadn't occurred to him that you were paying for more then he'd have apologised and offered a contribution. The fact he kicked off was because he's been caught out and he knows it. He's been sponging off everyone it seems. What a knob.

You and your child are way way better off without him OP

He's costing you 10p extra in toiletries maybe per visit. Him staying is not the reason you have no money, but I guess getting money off him seems an easy way to increase your income. If it's such an issue tell him to bring his own shower gel and toothpaste.

Er....@Grenlei have you missed the fact that he'll be eating meals when he's living there?!? Dinner and breakfast?? I'd like to know how you eat tel meals, drink teas, coffees, milk, plus charging phone, hot water for showers, laundry etc all for 10p? Did the cost of living crisis escape you? FFS!

^bold fail

The first paragraph quotes @Grenlei

I wish women who put up with cocklodgers would do the sums and work out the extent to which they are robbing themselves and their children.

So I'm presuming he already pays board to his parents? So why not you go over there and stay a few nights and see how inconvenienced they are with you and your son using their electric, gas etc.

Money is a sensitive subject but its really hard being a single parent and running a house, especially rented as the monthly costs are really high.

Try to talk to him again and explain that you were not having a go you just feel you could do with a little bit to cover the extra heating and electric you are using while he is there.

Cocklodger in waiting!

Throw this one back in the sea op

In addition he has you committing council tax fraud which if caught could cost you a fortune!

Plus it's really early days on emotional side for dc to be spending SO much time together

@Philisophigal no another occupant DOES increase costs of energy, groceries etc even the utility companies recognise this.

When my dd moved out a few years back my bills dropped considerably - more than even the 50% you might expect!

My ex when we were dating he was officially still in barracks but in reality was mostly at mine. He'd top up meter, get a full grocery shop, tidy up, do dishes, hang a laundry to fry etc if he stopped over and he covered the 25% inc in council tax too

That's what a decent person does in such a situation

His type NEVER want to pay for anything.

Agree with that

Also mean with money mean with love - this type also usually not there for you when you go through something tough emotionally they're all take take take

I'm a single mum and unfortunately you're a target for men like this.

Oh yes! They think we're "desperate" and will put up with all kinds of crap treatment cos "no other man would take on all that baggage" which is crap btw - also crap that we need a man perfectly fine to be single

I think you did right to end things op. 18 months in you can't know that he's "perfect" his behaviour on this matter strongly suggests he isn't

Freeloading is the same regardless of the income of the person you’re sponging off.

Yep

18 months is about when the limerence starts to end and you discover what the relationship is really about

Yea biochemically it's when the rose coloured glasses come off and you start to notice each other's faults - can be from about 12 months to 18 months in this happens, certain hormones die down.

Sometimes what happens is the opposite of rose coloured glasses and all you can see are faults then around 6 months later it balances out again.

Also in the first 12-18 months people are on best behaviour! If this was his best I dread to think what his worst would be

£20 is a joke in terms of costs…with the increase in energy, broadband bills etc.

I agree

Mean, tight, grasping people are like that in every aspect of their life, you just haven't seen it in him yet.

Absolutely

Agree entirely. He's costing you 10p extra in toiletries maybe per visit.

Yep, sorry OP but yabu. He isn't the reason your living costs are high. He should be splitting the food bill but I'm guessing on the days he is there it's something like a piece of toast for breakfast, he buys his own lunch at his work, then for dinner it's a take away and snacks, which he buys. Where's the cost? A splash of milk and a tea bag? A few squares of loo roll?

Also I've previously been in a long term live apart relationship and I can tell you that being the one to always visit isn't easy - you never have anything you need and don't get to spend time in your own house.

I really can't believe all these posters saying that it only costs a few pence for an adult living at your house for over half the week.
Breakfast, dinner, lunch at weekends for an adult male costs a lot. Extra cooking and washing up cost more in fuel and water.
Showers and use of toilet cost in water as well as fuel. Charging phones/laptop, maybe TV on more, cost money. More washing for sheets and towels, maybe clothes as well, cost for fuel and cleaning products. Toiletries cost money.
All this adds a lot to household costs and would be quite a large percentage of income for someone on a low salary.

Well done OP for ending it.

Meanness goes to the core of a persons character.

I bet he was lovely while he was with you, he was living off you and so were his children.

He has used you and your home for his children.

Utterly shameful.

Do not be naive, he knew well he was using you.

This is NEVER accidental.

Mean people are NEVER accidentally mean.

It is absolutely calculated behaviour on their part.

Stay strong.

Gosh £20 a week is nothing to stay in someone's house 4/5 nights a week!

Of course it costs a lot more to have an additional adult around.

My DH is at work most of the time during the week but on weekends and holidays when he is home we spend a lot more. Food, for example...DC and I will have scrambled eggs, fish fingers or baked beans on toast for dinner a few times a week. DH usually wants a 'proper' meal with meat or fish (or a fancy veggie option with lots of ingredients). Or we'll order takeaway - the cost of one takeaway is often the same as my food budget for DC and I the rest of the week. If I make a chilli, spag bol or pasta bake, it will cover 4-5 meals if it's just DC and I eating it. If DH is sharing, it will do 2 meals at most. Milk/coffee/ketchup doesn't last as long if there's another adult using it. Heating too...if DH is home, we'll often stay up late and keep the heating on longer. If not, I'll often go up with DS, read in bed and turn it off.

OP, I think you've done the right thing and good riddance. He sounds like someone who has never had to deal with the financial realities of life.

@Ragwort

And what message does it give your DC if this waste of space is sleeping over so frequently?

That Mummy has a boyfriend she loves?!

@MerryMarigold

Let's take the things he should pay for that you wouldn't use if he wasn't there:

• toothpaste, loo roll, shower gel
• food
• shower heating

I'm not sure that's 20.00 per week but it depends how much he continues to food. That can add up.

I don't think he should cover broadband, fuel bills etc. as you would need to pay them anyway. It's not 'fair' he should pay towards what you would need to pay if he wasn't there. The implication he has been 'cocklodging' so far probably got his back up.

However, as a loving partner he should want to help you out with money if you're struggling and he has fewer outgoings. Are you open about the finances with him? Sure he really understand how little you have and is still being difficult about it? Maybe he doesn't like that he feels you are 'charging' him to be your boyfriend when really you just need some financial support from your partner and to be treated to things eg. The takeaways etc on him.

The obsession with being 'fair' is what has caused this because there will be different perceptions of what is 'fair' and clearly you both have a different perception of this. However, saying 'I'm finding it difficult and I would appreciate some help' is different. If he still responded in the way he has, he doesn't care about you and doesn't see a future with you.

^^ that's how I feel too.

@limeSegment, you should apply to those tv shows about cost of living. If you know you can provide for an additional adult at 10p per visit, £3.00 per month you should tell us how. What toilet paper do you use? What does your tea or coffee cost? How regular do you shower? Is the water warm or do you choose not to heat it?

@mrsm43s

He should pay for the extra costs of him being there. But, if he's already paying his way with food, then that will literally be the odd squeeze of shower gel, the odd blob of toothpaste, a tiny fraction of the water/energy costs to cover his shower etc. It won't add up to anything close to £20 per week, not likely even £10 per month!

You can't expect him to subsidise your household costs. The big issue seems to be that your ex isn't paying his way in supporting his son. That is what you should be focusing on.

I agree

@Blossomtoes

It’s not about whether she’s struggling financially *@MerryMarigold*. If she was earning £200k he should still make a financial contribution. Freeloading is the same regardless of the income of the person you’re sponging off.

Well, that's your definition of 'freeloading' it's not merits or mine. A boyfriend/partner staying because you want to be together isn't the same as living together. Very few costs change having a partner stay.

If the resident person is finding things tight and the non resident has more money, then helping out would be nice. But it's not about 'being fair'. It's about caring about each other.

@mrsm43s

He should pay for the extra costs of him being there. But, if he's already paying his way with food, then that will literally be the odd squeeze of shower gel, the odd blob of toothpaste, a tiny fraction of the water/energy costs to cover his shower etc. It won't add up to anything close to £20 per week, not likely even £10 per month!

You can't expect him to subsidise your household costs. The big issue seems to be that your ex isn't paying his way in supporting his son. That is what you should be focusing on.

^^ that!

He should pay for the extra costs of him being there. But, if he's already paying his way with food

She said he brings soft drinks and snacks. That hardly helps with meals.

My BF stays here 3/4 nights a week. He doesn't pay me rent but we go out to eat at least two of those nights and he pays. He also takes me food shopping before he goes back to his rented place, and pays for it. So I feel that is more than covers his bed and board when he is here. I wouldn't charge him rent but I know he pays his way. He also pays when we go away for the weekend (frequently)

Blimey. I can't believe how ridiculous some of these answers are. He's costing you £10 a month. Grow up!

He's getting to stay somewhere, rent free, for more than half the week. Pays no council tax, pays no bills, pays no food. Makes no contribution to the stuff he's using.

I'm guessing he pays little (if anything?) to his parents as he's only staying there a couple of nights a week!

I'd love to be cruising through life on someone else's money like this.

He's a cocklodger.

I suppose he sees it as you being grabby because you want him to give you money because your bills are getting too much because of your ex and the general rise in the cost of living. From his point of view he doesn't live with you and is only staying over to see you.

OP, He doesnt want to stay only 2 nights a week for free! He wants to stay as often as he likes. . . For free, because as he said, it's your house, so he doesnt see why he should contribute, based on the fact that it's your house.

But it's your house!
What would you do if I wasnt here?

And upon moving in,
I'm happy to pay for the extra I cost, but I'm not happy to pay for anything that you would pay for if I weren't here.
I'll pay the extra 25% council tax, because you'd pay the rest even if I wasnt here!

ALL THINGS COCKLODGERS SAY!!

They try to make you feel like you abu when you're being more than reasonable.

You are happy to have him over with no expectation of a contribution for 2 nights a week.
You cannot afford to have him over more than 2 nights a week without a contribution.

I see nothing wrong with your proposal.

His response to you bringing it up would tell me everything I needed to know.
I'd be interested in what he contributes to his parents.

This is the second guy in just a few days on here who is living both with his mother and his girlfriend and not paying either of them anything. The other one had a shitload of savings as well. You did the right thing dumping this one. 💐

Well done on getting rid.
There's no reason a man in his 30s should be living with his parents.

I live alone, use coffee machine, so kettle on twice a day max, water metre, extra showers and washing.
Extra cooking too, if he paid towards food that would be something, other things do add up.
Glad you are rid