How would you deal with this? Husband issue

[DifficultDifficultLemonDifficu]

I work in a law firm with mostly men, which has never been an issue. We have started going for lunch as a group and plan these group meals on whatsapp.

Husband seems to think because his last partner cheated on him, that I will. Ive offered for him to come (not interested) and to show him my phone but he'd rather I just stop participating in these group events.

I feel that's not fair for me, how would you go about this?

There's usually at least 5 of us at these lunches and they are once a week, so doesn't hurt the bank or anything

end the relationship. it's a real red flag to future issues.

He's agreed to see a therapist after we had a chat a couple weeks ago. I do love him but he does have his issues. Instead of telling me he thought I was cheating on him, he decided to withdraw and not speak to me at all for a month

I mean, that’s outrageously abusive and controlling, which should be plain to see. Divorce, or at very least an ultimatum, seems the appropriate course of action.

In 2015, Tunisians unfurled a national flag the size of 19 football pitches.

The red flag here might be even larger.

Your husband didnt talk to you for a MONTH?

You get a divorce, that's how you deal with this. It's the only way to deal with this. Your husband won't be satisfied until he completely controls everything you do, and it will be a calculated process, until one day you open your eyes and don't recognise yourself anymore.

Don't allow this, and don't waste your time with counseling. Get the fuck away from this man.

I do love him but he does have his issues. Instead of telling me he thought I was cheating on him, he decided to withdraw and not speak to me at all for a month

Do you really not know how absolutely fucked up and abusive this is?

I know this is serious, but the football flag thing made me giggle.

Also I know I sound like a mug, but when he finally decided to talk, he said he was scared that I would tell him it's all true and that I was leaving. He was crying and said he's so anxious and depressed all the time, that's why I haven't left yet. I did tell him he HAS TO speak to his GP

All my family and friends have told me to give him a chance and have sympathized with him, so I feel like I don't know what way is up

A month? He's so utterly dysfunctional that the relationship isn't capable of being salvaged.

I wouldn't give a fuck what he'd rather I did, to be honest. My work days are nothing to do with him.

You sound like you are in the right place of work to get good advice on a divorce, OP. That's how I'd deal with this husband issue.

He was crying and said he's so anxious and depressed all the time, that's why I haven't left yet.

This is pure manipulation to get you to shut up and stay. He is masterful and you are falling for it. He will do whatever it takes to control you and he will never get help.

He isn’t ready to be in a relationship and needs counselling. He’s being completely unreasonable and that isn’t fair to you and he must feel awful all the time believing you’re cheating on him. He was unfair to you and to himself to get married with those issues unresolved.

I agree it is manipulation. He's training you to behave how he wants. Not speaking to you for a month is abusive.

I told him there's no chance of me not going to these lunches, he didn't like that but accepted what I was saying. He's jealous of me having friends of the opposite sex, regardless of the fact that I have never once strayed

Get new friends.

Tell your family they are seriously mistaken if they believe his behaviour is acceptable or deserves a second chance. Why aren't they sympathising with you? His behaviour sounds manipulative now. Crying to get his own way once the silent treatment failed.

Raise your bar.

Are you seriously going to let this person piss on your Picasso? How can you bear him?

Tell him you're not here to do penance for his ex

If he sulks and stops speaking to you again tell him that when he's ready to speak to you again - you won't be available.

It's not your friends and family's remit to tell you to give him a chance, in these circumstances. How about he gives you a chance by not being controlling and jealous thereby spoiling your relationship?

You have to nip things like this in the bud and set out your boundaries firmly. Relationships are an equal partnership, not licence to control a partner.

I'm surprised you weren't bored shitless by him silently sulking around the house for a full month(!). Equally, what kind of man is he to actually put so much effort into being stupidly petty? Its all very unattractive.

Good luck whatever you decide to do. You havent spoken as if theres no way back from this whatsoever so, hopefully he'll wise up.

not speak to me at all for a month

This is called stone walling (Google It) and is particularly unpleasant form of abuse.

Not what you want to hear as he is so anxious blah blah.
My father did this to us... its damaging to say the least.
He started small and by my a levels was happily stonewalling me for 6 months+ because I wouldn't study medicine like he wanted. He went on to pretend my sibling didn't exist for 18 months.
It'd so dysfunctional I can't tell you.

I agree with @MadMadMadamMim it can't be salvaged. At no point in 30 DAYS did he think... maybe I should stop torturing my wife for an imagined crime she doesn't know she has committed??? Please... what bull shit
As aminimum
Keep going to the lunch do not stop even temporarily until therapy starts.
I'd be selecting the therapist and using therapy to explore separation.

You should want better for yourself than this. You need to ask yourself why you'd tolerate this bullshit for one minute.

I know I have some issues I need to sort out in therapy. You're right it is stonewalling and it is fucking bullshit. I kept going to my lunches and while he was ignoring me I ignored him right back, it was horrible but I wasn't going to reward his behaviour.

I think I'll go to therapy so I can clear my head and if he doesn't sort himself out then I'll make steps to leave. I like the line about me not paying penance for his ex

Just leave. Any "steps" between now and then will just be a waste of your time.

i wouldn't be leaving an insecure Husband,, or even consider going to some therapist. This is all people seem to do, when having a problem with a partner..

If you have a reasonable marriage in most ways, you should be able to have discussions together about this problem and any other problems that occur.

@1forAll74

i wouldn't be leaving an insecure Husband,, or even consider going to some therapist. This is all people seem to do, when having a problem with a partner..

If you have a reasonable marriage in most ways, you should be able to have discussions together about this problem and any other problems that occur.

You can’t have discussions with someone who ignores you for a month!

He was crying and said he's so anxious and depressed all the time

So this is the core of the issue here. He's not feeling this anxious and depressed because of your lunches, this is how he has felt about many different things, all through his life. Your lunches are just the latest external "cause" getting his finger pointed at it though. The partner cheating is also a false cause for his issues. (In reality, her cheating may well may well have occurred in the context of her long-term emotional abandonment by him - not excusing her behaviour, but his issues may well have played a part leading up to it.)

The root cause will be significant childhood trauma. He probably downplays/minimises this but this is what he needs real help to process and learn new ways of understanding. The sad news is that even the very best help, continued long-term (possibly including medication), will probably never make the anxiety/depression issues go away fully, but it should give him tools to deal with them better.

Make no mistake, he must be willing to take 100 percent responsibility for dealing with HIS issues and put 0 percent responsibility on you. Going out to lunch with your colleagues is a 100 percent normal and okay thing to do and you should continue to assert your right to do it.

If this were a short live in relationship or new boyfriend, of course you would leave straight away.

But it's a marriage. I'm not saying the OP should not leave but I think counselling and discussion are the correct options here before pulling the plug for good.