How would you deal with this? Husband issue

[DifficultDifficultLemonDifficu]

I work in a law firm with mostly men, which has never been an issue. We have started going for lunch as a group and plan these group meals on whatsapp.

Husband seems to think because his last partner cheated on him, that I will. Ive offered for him to come (not interested) and to show him my phone but he'd rather I just stop participating in these group events.

I feel that's not fair for me, how would you go about this?

There's usually at least 5 of us at these lunches and they are once a week, so doesn't hurt the bank or anything

@billy1966

He cannot be fixed.

Get that out of your head.

Best case is he masks it for a bit to stop you divorcing him.

This is an extremely abusive man who is making your life miserable.

Tell friends and family it's over.

Move out and save yourself.

Do not have children with this arsehole.

He has shown you exactly who he is.

From my experience this is so true.

His behaviour is abusive. It may stem from poor mental health or it may not but the result is that he's abusing you. He needs to see a doctor to address the mental health so you can see what's really happening.

It’s he so wonderful in other ways your prepared to put up this this for the rest of your relationship?
Why does he think it’s okay to tell you not to do something completely normal because he has issues? Him being paranoid and mistrusting I could kind of understand but him expecting you to change your reasonable behaviour because of it is the deal breaker IMO.

Every single person who has said that divorce is drastic and they should discuss it and go to counselling: what is your response to the fact that he didn't speak to her (for doing absolutely nothing wrong) FOR A MONTH?

You can't expect your advice to be taken seriously until you address that point. It just makes it look like you didn't read the OP properly and jumped straight in.

I would see how he responds to any medication or therapy before making my decision. Leaving him because this is how his depression and anxiety is manifesting (his weak spot of rejection) seems unfair, at least before he has a chance to recover?

In a couple of months if there's no change, then I'd make plans to leave, but surely he is worth giving a chance to?

@HellToTheNope

He was crying and said he's so anxious and depressed all the time, that's why I haven't left yet.

This is pure manipulation to get you to shut up and stay. He is masterful and you are falling for it. He will do whatever it takes to control you and he will never get help.

I think this is unfair. I was in a relationship before where I felt very insecure, which was not my BFs doing and I felt very anxious when he was around a certain attractive female colleague. I was not trying to control my BF I was just very very insecure and it affected me emotionally.

If you stopped going to the lunches, he would just shift his focus on to something else. Not meeting men at all in any capacity. This is so abusive. You have done more than enough by offering him to go along with you and to see your phone- you didn't have to do either of these things. He needs therapy to work on his issues and probably isn't in the right place to sustain a healthy relationship just now

@1forAll74

i wouldn't be leaving an insecure Husband,, or even consider going to some therapist. This is all people seem to do, when having a problem with a partner..

If you have a reasonable marriage in most ways, you should be able to have discussions together about this problem and any other problems that occur.

So how long would somebody have to stop speaking to you for before you would leave them?

She's not thinking of leaving because he's insecure but because he is cruel in the way he treats her.

@Morfil

In 2015, Tunisians unfurled a national flag the size of 19 football pitches.

The red flag here might be even larger.

This is the best comment I've seen on Mumsnet, possibly ever!

OP, I was with a guy like this for 6 years, I totally lost myself. I left him 16 years ago and I can still now feel the 'lucky escape/relief' feeling if something happens to make me remember him. Please don't waste anymore of your life on him

@DifficultDifficultLemonDifficu

He's agreed to see a therapist after we had a chat a couple weeks ago. I do love him but he does have his issues. Instead of telling me he thought I was cheating on him, he decided to withdraw and not speak to me at all for a month

That alone would prompt divorce proceedings for me. Ignoring you for a month, or even any amount of time is massively controlling and manipulative.

If you stop socialising with the work colleagues it’ll be the thin end of the wedge and he’ll realise he can control you further.

Apart from anything else you work in a male dominated environment where it’s always harder for women to network. It’s important that you are able to mix with your colleagues in whatever setting you need to.

Any depression he feels is absolutely no excuse for his petty controlling behaviour.

@mamabr

I might have an unpopular opinion, But I wouldn't just end my marriage over this.

If he is absolutely willing to get help and go through with it and can understand that what he's doing/ saying isn't ok. Then I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and give chance for him to get help.
But if he's brushing it off and can't understand why he's wrong then I'd definitely be making steps for separation.

People need to heal before they get into new relationships or the trauma follows them. It's not your fault for his exs infidelity.

But be aware of how many chances you're giving him, and if he's promising something and not delivering or making attempts.

Therapy for yourself if never a bad idea either.

You are wrong & what's more, your advice is dangerous!

Firstly, a person's issues do not ever justify the attempt to limit or affect others lives & those who are not abusive understand this. Secondly, attempting to appease jealousy or controlling behaviour is the very worst response as once any responsibility is taken for the abuser's behaviour, it only serves to encourage it.

Ask anyone who has dealt with a jealous partner, nothing you can do will ever be enough. In fact, it serves to excacerbate their need to control which will never be satisfied, resulting in the victim eventually finding their life completely limited.

@DifficultDifficultLemonDifficu

All my family and friends have told me to give him a chance and have sympathized with him, so I feel like I don't know what way is up

He has presumably not been stonewalling your family and friends.

They still think he's a nice person.
You can tell them a few things about how he treats you and they will change their minds.

I'm sorry this has happened to you OP but this is not your fault. Weekly lunches with colleagues is a totally normal thing to do. Stonewalling your partner over it is not normal.

I’m a lawyer OP and have always worked in a predominantly male firm.

Lunches out are completely normal.

My then DP didn’t like me going for lunch with blokes either early in our relationship (sometimes just 1, or 2, or a group). So I told him I wouldn’t be stopping because he didn’t like it, and I could either go and keep telling him about it, or I could go and just not tell him; but not going wasn’t an option.

He did pipe down after that and hasn’t had an issue with it for years, but he knows me better now and realised I largely prefer male company and there’s nothing sinister about it.

He’s never stonewalled me for it though!

If my husband didn’t speak to me for a month I’d have been sorting finances and seeing solicitors in that time. The amount of shit people put up with in relationships is mad on mn. I love my dh but I also enjoy being with him and we have a good life together supporting each other. So many relationships stifle people and they tolerate it. I’d rather be single.

Your husband thinks that who you have lunch with when you have at work is his business?

And you invited him to join you and your colleagues for lunch on working days so that he can act as your chaperone?

I think you also need counselling. He is abusive, him being cheated on in the past doesn't excuse that in any way.

@HellToTheNope

You get a divorce, that's how you deal with this. It's the only way to deal with this. Your husband won't be satisfied until he completely controls everything you do, and it will be a calculated process, until one day you open your eyes and don't recognise yourself anymore.

Don't allow this, and don't waste your time with counseling. Get the fuck away from this man.

This.

I think this is unfair. I was in a relationship before where I felt very insecure, which was not my BFs doing and I felt very anxious when he was around a certain attractive female colleague. I was not trying to control my BF I was just very very insecure and it affected me emotionally.

Did you try and stop him from talking to her or any women, did you try and control his behaviour? Did you cry everytime he was going out? Did you ignore him when he didn't act how you wanted him to and then when he told you he wanted to end it, did you cry, blame depression and anxiety....but seek no help a carried on acting how you did before?

Did you try and make him feel bad for going out and doing perfectly normal things?

If so, then you were controlling. No matter what drives you to do it, ita controlling. Feeling insecure and anxious is not an excuse for trying to control your partner.

Are you intending on having children with him? If so, this needs to be addressed first.

I used to work in The City, I was always going out for lunch with men, mostly older married men. It never even occurred to me that this could be problematic, neither did DP.

Why did his previous partner cheat on him?
Were you aware he had mental health problems?
How long have you been together?

As PP have said, he could get therapy, he could be working on this for years. Are you prepared to spend your marriage working on trying to help him resolve this?

if he doesn't sort himself out then I'll make steps to leave

Do this the other way around - leave him now, and if he sorts himself out you can reconcile

You should fully expect that he may never sort himself out, and that is not your problem, he is a grown man and capable of addressing his own baggage without inflicting that on you.

@Neongoddess

I think this is unfair. I was in a relationship before where I felt very insecure, which was not my BFs doing and I felt very anxious when he was around a certain attractive female colleague. I was not trying to control my BF I was just very very insecure and it affected me emotionally.

Did you try and stop him from talking to her or any women, did you try and control his behaviour? Did you cry everytime he was going out? Did you ignore him when he didn't act how you wanted him to and then when he told you he wanted to end it, did you cry, blame depression and anxiety....but seek no help a carried on acting how you did before?

Did you try and make him feel bad for going out and doing perfectly normal things?

If so, then you were controlling. No matter what drives you to do it, ita controlling. Feeling insecure and anxious is not an excuse for trying to control your partner.

No I was very aware that it was my insecurity driving my behaviour and maybe also the fact I knew my BF had fancied her before he met me so I guess in hindsight it’s quite understandably how I felt!

If OPs DH can recognise his behaviour is unreasonable and he’s acting out of insecurity and wants to fix it then that’s great. If he’s feeling insecure and wants her to sort it for him

Posted too soo

If he doesn’t take ownership of his problems then that is a problem. He needs to be aware logically that he is acting unreasonable even though emotionally he’s may feel justified as OP going out for lunches makes him feel bad. It’s this cause and effect. It’s not her fault he feels this way, it’s his problem to sort out.

@DifficultDifficultLemonDifficu

All my family and friends have told me to give him a chance and have sympathized with him, so I feel like I don't know what way is up

1. Do you absolutely 100% KNOW that his ex cheated on him? Because one thing I'm learning is that a man with this level of insecurity and a willingness to be abusive to his partner as a result, is probably fairly delusional.

1. Your family and friends are wrong. Men like this are extraordinarily good at getting their partners' family and friends on their side. They do this with a combination of victim-playing, faux-innocence/concern and outright lying. For almost 10 years I was the only one who saw what was happening with SIL and BIL. As a result, for 10 years, every single time SIL expressed concerns about BIL's behaviour to her family, they took his side and convinced her SHE was the problem. It is only now, after his behaviour escalated even further that they have started taking her side.

Ultimatum time - "If you want to stay married to me you need to deal with your anxiety because I will not be putting up with this anymore. I expect you to see a GP, seek counselling (if you work for a large law firm, and are married, their employee assistance programme probably covers him too and he could be in therapy within a couple of weeks. Free). If none of this is done by the end of this month we will be divorcing".

Everyone has a past and it's the same as an animal from a shelter. He's clearly been very hurt and damaged by his ex's poor behaviour and whilst you shouldn't pay penance, you need to allow that he will instantly fear the worst. Remind him that you married him and that you love him. Tell him that you wouldn't stay if you weren't happy. Tell him he needs to come along to one of these lunches so he can see there's no competition. My ex obsessed with me talking to talk dark-haired men as he wasn't, and it destroyed our relationship. It's probably unfortunate that I married my tall dark-haired new boyfriend eighteen months later 😂. Hopefully it's still early enough not to destroy yours but warn him that you don't want to live like this and that he needs to get through it. It sounds like he's depressed about other stuff which also needs sorting out and he's feeling like this due to feeling vulnerable.