Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you deal with this? Husband issue

122 replies

DifficultDifficultLemonDifficu · 01/04/2022 01:42

I work in a law firm with mostly men, which has never been an issue. We have started going for lunch as a group and plan these group meals on whatsapp.

Husband seems to think because his last partner cheated on him, that I will. Ive offered for him to come (not interested) and to show him my phone but he'd rather I just stop participating in these group events.

I feel that's not fair for me, how would you go about this?

There's usually at least 5 of us at these lunches and they are once a week, so doesn't hurt the bank or anything

OP posts:
ButtOutBobsMum · 01/04/2022 06:31

@Morfil

In 2015, Tunisians unfurled a national flag the size of 19 football pitches.

The red flag here might be even larger.

I thought you were on the wrong thread when I started reading that Grin
Riseholme · 01/04/2022 07:11

If my dh refused to speak to me for two days that would be it for me.
You put up with this for a month!
You need to learn some boundaries.
I hope you never want dc with this man.

2DogsOnMySofa · 01/04/2022 07:14

Wise words on this thread already, ignoring and not wanting you to go out with friends is a huge red flag, it's abusive behaviour even when it's wrapped in tears and a believable story.

SkankingMopoke · 01/04/2022 07:37

@THisbackwithavengeance

If this were a short live in relationship or new boyfriend, of course you would leave straight away.

But it's a marriage. I'm not saying the OP should not leave but I think counselling and discussion are the correct options here before pulling the plug for good.

I agree. OP, my DH has also had trust issues due to being cheated on in the past, as well as anxiety that others are deceiving or trying to harm him (eg boss at work is trying to make him fail to get him out). He hid his anxieties really well for over 12yrs, and we were married with 2 DCs by the time it built to such a level he couldn't contain it any more and it burst out quite publicly. I'd had no idea. It was pretty awful, has caused long-term damage to some of our friendships, and could have all been solved much easier if he had just been honest about it all earlier (he was filling in gaps with his own narrative, where the reality was much simpler/duller if he'd bothered to ask). I have never done anything that could possibly be construed as cheating in the 16yrs we've been together, so the whole thing is crazy. It took a couple of years to get him to realise he needed professional help, and he has been having CBT and counselling for 9 months now. He has identified the triggers that make it worse (not enough sleep and alcohol mostly), and is working hard to avoid getting into the spirals again. He is talking to me about it now, which is the biggest thing as we can talk through eg what his boss' real reason for behaving like that might be (bad day/deflecting etc) and remind him is obviously is wanted with facts (eg you got a discretionary bonus last month - why would he do that if he thinks you're crap and wants you out?). It's tiring for both of us, but manageable and improving all the time. DH now fully acknowledges that these thoughts aren't fact and uses the strategies he's being given with the CBT to keep himself on track. The next step is to access psychotherapy to dig out the roots of his trauma. He openly admits his childhood was spent being told he was a failure and wasn't good enough, and until this is fully processed his issues will continue to resurface. It isn't a quick fix, but I think it's possible to get past if you're both willing to do the graft. I've had to have psychotherapy for PTSD myself, so I know it can work.
Shoxfordian · 01/04/2022 07:56

He’s abusive, jealous and controlling: has he actually booked to go to the GP and is he taking any steps to find some therapy or just expecting you to accept his shit because he has anxiety? Not speaking to you for a month is abusive as well

He clearly needs therapy and is not able to have a healthy relationship until he’s done a lot of work on himself - if he even wants to do the work but you don’t have to hang around hoping he’ll change

Sundancerintherain · 01/04/2022 07:59

He is punishing you for his ex partners behaviour 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

GeneLovesJezebel · 01/04/2022 08:02

So has he made moves to see a therapist yet ?
If he won’t see his GP about his MH he isn’t trying to solve HIS problem, so there’s no reason why you should put up with it.

Ragwort · 01/04/2022 08:02

He didn't talk to you for a month? How does that work? Did he not speak to you at meal times, did you share a bed?

Agree with everyone else, your DH sounds needy and controlling... I have no idea who/what my DH did for lunch (prior to WFH of course!) and he has no idea what or who I meet for lunch.

tiredanddangerous · 01/04/2022 08:04

He didn't speak to you for a month??? He's a giant toddler who will sulk and manipulate until he gets his own way. This is not a healthy relationship.

Krakenchorus · 01/04/2022 08:05

Yes, you should go to.therapy to help reset your boundaries.

Leave him now and save a lot of time.

Neongoddess · 01/04/2022 08:06

He is abusing you and using his ex as am excuse.

If he wasn't ready to have a relationship and not dealt with the fallout of being cheated on he had no business getting in a relationship and no business getting married.

Yes, people sometimes need reassurance. But when that moves into trying to control people it's not ok.

How long was he cheated on?

LizzieSiddal · 01/04/2022 08:12

I agree with CheekyHibson

Both dh and I have childhood issues with badly affected our relationship. We almost split but both agreed to individual therapy. It helped us both enormously and 9 years on, yes we can still have emotional issues but both are able to almost immediately recognise where it’s coming from- our childhood- and are able to very quickly centre ourselves back in the here and now. It’s saved our marriage!

I’d advise you to both go to therapy and see if it improves things.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 01/04/2022 08:15

Some very good advice on this thread - but even just focusing on the OP, does he really think that people who want to cheat with colleagues can only do so if they go out to lunch together? In spite of being with them all day anyway? And you say 'mostly men' i.e. several people - does he think you're cheating with all of them?!

As PP have said, his ex's behaviour is not yours to pay penance for. In fact, do you know that she definitely did cheat on him, or might her 'cheating' have just been spending time with other people who happened to be men in entirely innocent and mundane ways, like working, speaking to shop assistants etc. - and his mind going into overdrive?

Girlmum91 · 01/04/2022 08:16

I've worked in a law firm myself and excessively long hours and team bonding and business lunches are part of the territory. If you're working in a top law firm it's probably best just dating other lawyers who get it because for a normal person it does seem dodgy all the long hours.

I DO understand why he feels that way BUT as you've done nothing wrong and have no intention of doing so he's not being very fair to you and is projecting. Do you give him reason to doubt by flirting with other men in front of him or mentioning how colleagues are good looking or something? If not, there isn't much you do and this isn't going to work out.

alwayswrighty · 01/04/2022 08:19

My DH is the insecure type. Doesn't think he is good enough for me, and will get the hump sometimes when I've been out with male work colleagues. He tells me, I reassure him and he cracks on. He'd never, ever stop me from going though or try to

He doesn't sulk for days he just verbalises it like an adult.

dworky · 01/04/2022 08:23

@DifficultDifficultLemonDifficu

He's agreed to see a therapist after we had a chat a couple weeks ago. I do love him but he does have his issues. Instead of telling me he thought I was cheating on him, he decided to withdraw and not speak to me at all for a month
I think you're minimising. Issues are one thing - insecurity, jealousy past bad experiences etc. This is far more, he's actually expecting a separate person to limit their life because of his hang ups and this is the red flag, that his feelings are of utmost importance & others are not allowed full agency because of them! He's actually showing you he doesn't see you as important a person as he views himself.

Everyone has insecurities, lots suffer with jealousy but no-one has the right to make others responsible. It is abuse, be sure of that.

FetchezLaVache · 01/04/2022 08:25

He doesn't think you'll cheat with your colleagues. That's a red herring. He wants to control you. His unfaithful ex is a convenient pretext. The stonewalling, the manipulative tears, the demands that you stop going for work lunches are all part of his playbook.

You don't mention children - do you have any?

Hoppinggreen · 01/04/2022 08:26

What he’s doing is as abusive as shouting and slamming doors, in fact in some ways it’s worse because it’s not as obvious
He either gets some professional help and sorts himself out or he needs to leave, you shouldn’t have to live like this

Underfrighter · 01/04/2022 08:28

Not speaking is abusive. Trying to control what you do when you're at work is controlling. It doesn't really matter what the cause is (eg some people might be violent because of a violent childhood which is understandable but not ok) its still unacceptable.

You need to make it clear what is and isnt acceptable. If he is getting therapy and trying really hard to sort out his issues then only you can decide whether its worth another chance

gannett · 01/04/2022 08:29

A month?! That's outrageous. But to be honest an hour, even a minute of silent treatment because of work socialising would be outrageous.

I'm interested in how you got all the way to married without this issue ever coming up before. It's a very extreme reaction. Were there no signs at all when you started dating? Because any hint of jealousy or trust issues around me socialising with other men was an instant dump/drop when I was dating - I had no patience with their insecurities, I felt offended that they thought I might cheat, and I told them that they could either decide to trust me or not but I wouldn't be altering my behaviour just to placate the voices in their head.

But as you ended up marrying him, it's a more complex situation.

(Would also note the usual MN hypocrisy - I'm glad OP is getting support here but if there was a thread about a husband socialising regularly with a bunch of female colleagues, especially if they were young and attractive, you'd get the usual load of "I wouldn't stand for that" and "he's having an affair".)

gamerchick · 01/04/2022 08:36

@Sundancerintherain

He is punishing you for his ex partners behaviour 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Yep and he needs to be told that you're not going to tolerate being punished by his past. He either sorts it out or you split. His emotional health is rubbish and he'll wreck every relationship if he doesn't deal with his issues.
HomeHomeInTheRange · 01/04/2022 08:38

If he says he is so anxious / stressed / depressed that he can’t speak to you then the answer is ‘get help: now’, not that he could accompany you on these lunches (how embarrassing). The problem is for him to address, not for you to ‘solve’ your your completely normal behaviour.

I would tell him you cannot and will not live like this and he has a month to go to the GP about his mental health, and start therapy to deal with his jealousy / former relationship. Otherwise you will leave.

Goldbar · 01/04/2022 08:39

I would tell him that his trust and anxiety issues are his issues to sort out. Not mine.

And that he doesn't own me and he can fuck off with trying to control me.

And if, given that, he can't behave acceptably in the relationship, then it has no future.

Thirkettle · 01/04/2022 08:39

He's a nasty, jealous piece of work. He is likely also jealous of you having a good job at all. Men like this don't like financially independent women.

Teethhelp · 01/04/2022 08:41

He didn't speak to you for a month?
That's quite a level of childish manipulation.

You don't deserve this kind of behavior. It sounds very stressful.

He desperately needs therapy. He sounds like he's really struggling and finding it hard. That's probably the stance I'd take when speaking to him. Going for lunch with colleagues is not only normal, it's a part of team building and networking and generally being happy in your job. It's all normal. Support him with therapy but do not change your plans.