How would you deal with this? Husband issue

[DifficultDifficultLemonDifficu]

I work in a law firm with mostly men, which has never been an issue. We have started going for lunch as a group and plan these group meals on whatsapp.

Husband seems to think because his last partner cheated on him, that I will. Ive offered for him to come (not interested) and to show him my phone but he'd rather I just stop participating in these group events.

I feel that's not fair for me, how would you go about this?

There's usually at least 5 of us at these lunches and they are once a week, so doesn't hurt the bank or anything

Have you got kids with him? If not then I wouldn't. It's not fair to choose a man who behaves so irrationally and nastily to be the parent of a child.

I would leave. It's one thing if someone behaves badly but quickly realised but this didn't speak to you for MONTH. - that's so nasty

he decided to withdraw and not speak to me at all for a month

I know lots have already commented on this but this behaviour is awful op. I would honestly tell my DH to leave if he wasn't prepared to speak about something properly after a come off days and was ignoring me.

He's sulking until he gets his own way - and he's prepared to keep it up.

I hope you and your DH can sort this issue, but I would be saying no more sulking - he talks about issues or moves on.

Fuck that. He's had weeks to book a therapy appointment and I bet he's done absolutely nothing. Ignoring you for a month is utterly pathetic and abusive. There'd be nothing worth staying for in my eyes after that. Don't let him make your existence as miserable as his.

Also, stop reassuring him. That's dealing with the wrong problem. When you offer reassurances, you justify his behaviour and give him leave to demand yet more reassurances. You are helping him to erode your boundaries.

He didn't speak to you for a month because you go for lunch with your colleagues?

That's next level fucked up shit

Don't try an fix this.

Pack your bags.

He is abusive and if you are silly enough to have children with him, you and the children are in for a life of absolute misery.

Stop talking to h and trying to fix him.

He's not a project.

He is a nasty, abusive, controlling man and you have made a massive mistake marrying him.

No second chance.

Get out asap.

@DifficultDifficultLemonDifficu
Your DH is making it a self fulfilling prophesy that he will lose you by his jealousy and controlling behaviour

Either you stop living your life, don't join in any social life where you might talk to other men ^ (50% of the population)^ , become anxious, miserable and end up leaving him as he makes your life boring and controlled and you downtrodden. Not the woman he married nor the woman you are.

Or you decide at the outset you can't live the rest of your life controlled and punished (by a man who claims to love you) for what another person- his ex! - did and you arrange to leave him soon.

DH doesn't win either way and nor do you.

DH has to change his behaviour and respect you as an individual - sulking and ignoring you for a month for going on a work socials is RIDICULOUS.

^^ Especially as these work lunches are patently unromantic / harmless - 5 other work colleagues!!- and good for your professional career and team building for work.

He is MANIPULATING you like a pro!
My DP returned home to catch his then partner in bed with someone.
So that was quite grim.
He still doesn't stone wall me or prevent me from going out with work colleagues or away for business trips. He is kind and knows if he gets nervous then I will reassure him. I meet him half way and make sure to do this reassurance. Your DH is a walking problem. If his ex cheated on him, this is terrible, but moreover I wonder if he was an emotionally controlling asshat with her too.

He cannot be fixed.

Get that out of your head.

Best case is he masks it for a bit to stop you divorcing him.

This is an extremely abusive man who is making your life miserable.

Tell friends and family it's over.

Move out and save yourself.

Do not have children with this arsehole.

He has shown you exactly who he is.

@billy1966

Don't try an fix this.

Pack your bags.

He is abusive and if you are silly enough to have children with him, you and the children are in for a life of absolute misery.

Stop talking to h and trying to fix him.

He's not a project.

He is a nasty, abusive, controlling man and you have made a massive mistake marrying him.

No second chance.

Get out asap.

This!

It's not your job to fix him. Read this over and over OP.

We've been fed this guff all our lives but it's bullshit.

Why didn't he think at some point during that month he was stonewalling you that that was seriously fucked up?

Massive red flags.

I wouldn't let this drag on. He needs to show that he's willing to work at making changes now - that means actually contacting the GP, making that appointment, accessing wellbeing services in your area (you can often self refer, though waiting times are long) and basically getting the fuck over himself. He doesn't get to behave like this.

If he procrastinates, you walk.

So that's what I'd tell DH - see below post

You are an entirely different person to his ex. He cannot go round treating women like this because of one woman and how his individual relationship with her was. That's not you nor your marriage. For his sake as well as yours, He must quickly get counselling to deal with his extreme jealousy and controlling behaviour. Pay privately if he must, it's cheaper than a divorce.

I might have an unpopular opinion,
But I wouldn't just end my marriage over this.

If he is absolutely willing to get help and go through with it and can understand that what he's doing/ saying isn't ok. Then I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and give chance for him to get help.
But if he's brushing it off and can't understand why he's wrong then I'd definitely be making steps for separation.

People need to heal before they get into new relationships or the trauma follows them. It's not your fault for his exs infidelity.

But be aware of how many chances you're giving him, and if he's promising something and not delivering or making attempts.

Therapy for yourself if never a bad idea either.

@CheekyHobson

He was crying and said he's so anxious and depressed all the time

So this is the core of the issue here. He's not feeling this anxious and depressed because of your lunches, this is how he has felt about many different things, all through his life. Your lunches are just the latest external "cause" getting his finger pointed at it though. The partner cheating is also a false cause for his issues. (In reality, her cheating may well may well have occurred in the context of her long-term emotional abandonment by him - not excusing her behaviour, but his issues may well have played a part leading up to it.)

The root cause will be significant childhood trauma. He probably downplays/minimises this but this is what he needs real help to process and learn new ways of understanding. The sad news is that even the very best help, continued long-term (possibly including medication), will probably never make the anxiety/depression issues go away fully, but it should give him tools to deal with them better.

Make no mistake, he must be willing to take 100 percent responsibility for dealing with HIS issues and put 0 percent responsibility on you. Going out to lunch with your colleagues is a 100 percent normal and okay thing to do and you should continue to assert your right to do it.

This!

Who hasn’t been cheated on? This isn’t how most people react afterwards. He has deeper issues than a cheating ex.

At no point in 30 DAYS did he think... maybe I should stop torturing my wife for an imagined crime she doesn't know she has committed???

This.

No one who is capable of genuine love would treat someone they love like that. When you love someone you want them to be happy. You don’t torture them.

I don't even understand the mechanics of not speaking to someone for a month when you live together as a couple.

Who cooked dinner and did other chores? (I'm assuming you?) Did you carry on cooking and serving his meals while he blanked you?

And it goes without saying - stonewalling someone for a month is massively abusive. It's a relationship ender (or should be).

This type of person has deep emotional issues resulting from childhood trauma and abandonment issues. It will be hard work BUT if he takes 100% responsibility for HIS issues there is hope but if not then you will have a very difficult marriage.

Why wait for him to hit you?

I can't help thinking you are enjoying making him feel like this!! it's cruel. And what do you mean about rewarding him or punishing him for his behaviour? WTF You are treating him like a child!
I think you are getting a bit of a power trip and it's a bit sadistic if you ask me. Maybe you are the insecure one!

Instead of telling me he thought I was cheating on him, he decided to withdraw and not speak to me at all for a month

This is plain ridiculous and actually abusive.

@CheekyHobson nails it here ; Make no mistake, he must be willing to take 100 percent responsibility for dealing with HIS issues and put 0 percent responsibility on you

@DifficultDifficultLemonDifficu

He's agreed to see a therapist after we had a chat a couple weeks ago. I do love him but he does have his issues. Instead of telling me he thought I was cheating on him, he decided to withdraw and not speak to me at all for a month

This is abuse.

@DifficultDifficultLemonDifficu

He's agreed to see a therapist after we had a chat a couple weeks ago. I do love him but he does have his issues. Instead of telling me he thought I was cheating on him, he decided to withdraw and not speak to me at all for a month

This is incredibly controlling and abusive, you need to make it clear to him that its not acceptable to behave like this. Has he actually started seeing the therapist?

Agree the red flags are waving and unless this is something he can work through (him, not something for your to solve) then your relationship is dead. Certainly don't have any kids with this man!

Crikey some seriously hard answers here.

Partner has MH problems = immediate divorce?

The only questions to ask yourself is
Do u love him?
Is he being truthful?
Is he taking steps to change?

You shouldn't be punished for the crimes of his ex but every human being has some kind of baggage.

Couples therapy maybe?

Mental health issues aren't an excuse to behave abusively towards others.