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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A wedding question

85 replies

cousinwedding · 30/03/2022 16:42

It's a wedding question, but it's not too dramatic I hope.

DP has been invited to his cousin's wedding in September. It's in a hotel four hours away and will necessitate him staying two nights.

He hasn't got a plus one. We have been together five years. They would definitely be aware of this but I don't know them that well, have only seen them at other weddings and funerals - he doesn't even know them that well really. He's a bit miffed but I said to him that they might be trying to keep numbers down (no idea what size the wedding is.)

Would it be unreasonable to go with him to the hotel and go to the drinking/dancing part of the wedding? I do not want to impose on them but if he's spending hundreds of pounds and two days away, then obviously he'd prefer to have me with him and I'd like to go with him. I'd also like to get to know his family better.

Would that just be a rude slap in the face to the bride? Is there a way for him to ask if this would be okay without seeming like I'm angling for an invitation to the dinner? As far as I'm aware they have no reason to dislike me, so being excluded is probably not personal.

He doesn't feel that declining the invitation is an option; it would create family drama.

OP posts:

Thebedistoohot · 30/03/2022 16:43

Yes, that would make you a wedding crasher. Don’t go.

Original poster

cousinwedding · 30/03/2022 16:44

Oh I see it's automatically created a poll:

YABU: you can't do this, it's very rude.
YANBU: this is a trivial thing to worry about, just go.

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/03/2022 16:45

You definetly cannot attend uninvited. I'm surprised that it's a two night stay though, for four hours journey.

memememe · 30/03/2022 16:45

it would be ok to go to the hotel with him (assuming its not the hotel the wedding is being held in) and hang out in the room, but i wouldnt crash the wedding!!

Totalwasteofpaper · 30/03/2022 16:46

You would totally be gare crashing and it would be So SO awkward.

Do not do it!!!

WhatNoRaisins · 30/03/2022 16:46

I don't think this situation is so much a case of what's right but what would help avoid drama. Technically they've been a bit rude not inviting partners but they won't want to be told that. It might be worth trying to discreetly ask one of the parents if the invitation includes you too or if there might be room in the evening.

HellToTheNope · 30/03/2022 16:46

Do not ask for an invitation.

SerialNameChanger2114 · 30/03/2022 16:47

You can’t turn up to the evening do without an invite!!!

WhatNoRaisins · 30/03/2022 16:47

Certainly just don't turn up uninvited though, that would.be way worse than him declining.

Justmuddlingalong · 30/03/2022 16:47

YABU. If you're not invited, that includes to the evening reception. Jeez.

Crunchymum · 30/03/2022 16:48

No you cannot just turn up at someone's evening do YOU ARE NOT INVITED

I cannot believe you actually need to ask?

Hospedia · 30/03/2022 16:48

I just wouldn't go "sorry I'm not available that weekend, best wishes and cingratulations", job done.

Hadalifeonce · 30/03/2022 16:49

A wedding is a public event, anyone can attend a wedding service.
Don't attend the wedding breakfast and that would be by invitation only, as it has to be paid per head (usually).
Lots of weddings have evening guests, so you could join in. BUT if your DP doesn't know them very well, perhaps the 2 of you could do something else, and enjoy the time away.

thisplaceisweird · 30/03/2022 16:50

Sorry, are you asking if it's ok to invite yourself? That's obviously not ok OP.

Lunalicious · 30/03/2022 16:51

If you aren't invited you can't attend any of the wedding. Quite surprised you need to be told this.

Justmuddlingalong · 30/03/2022 16:51

I think if you want to be more included in his wider family, gatecrashing a wedding isn't the way to go about it.

thisplaceisweird · 30/03/2022 16:51

@Hadalifeonce

A wedding is a public event, anyone can attend a wedding service. Don't attend the wedding breakfast and that would be by invitation only, as it has to be paid per head (usually). Lots of weddings have evening guests, so you could join in. BUT if your DP doesn't know them very well, perhaps the 2 of you could do something else, and enjoy the time away.

IF it's at a church. OP doesn't mention that. The couple may not even be getting officially married during the ceremony part, lots don't. If they've hired a venue then it's a private party.

gogohm · 30/03/2022 16:52

I think it's reasonable for him to (a) check if you are invited to the main event and (b) ask if it's possible for you to be there for the evening do considering the cost of the accommodation, that it's the same price for 2 as 1. It's also an option for him to politely refuse the invitation because you aren't invited

thisplaceisweird · 30/03/2022 16:52

YANBU: this is a trivial thing to worry about, just go.
obviously he'd prefer to have me with him and I'd like to go with him. I'd also like to get to know his family better.

This post is beyond BAT SHIT, honestly what are you thinking??
I would love for the bride to see this and have a good laugh

beenaroundtheblox · 30/03/2022 16:54

Of course you can't go to a wedding where you've obviously not been invited to.
If he's able to he could speak to the cousin or the parents and say 'Sarah is planing on staying at the hotel with me to make a weekend of it' they may take the hint and ask you to the evening. Also if you're staying at the hotel where the reception is being held at you'll have to really stay out the way!!

I'd stay home if I were you.

Can't he get up early and travel the morning of the wedding?

CanIHaveASnaaaaak · 30/03/2022 16:54

If he has a good relationship with his cousin DH could ask - as long as he is sure the tone and words used can’t be misconstrued.

If he has a good relationship with aunt/uncle he could ask them if they think it’s a possibility (if they outright say they don’t think so, then don’t ask the bride and groom.)

We had guests at our wedding ask if they could bring their partner. The response was “only for the evening, we’re at capacity for the meal” and everyone was happy.

Pyri · 30/03/2022 16:55

Ha ha, please do this then report back on how the B&G took it!

Dustyroad63 · 30/03/2022 16:55

If he’s not that close to them maybe he could go to the wedding so he doesn’t upset his family then you two can go on somewhere else after.

As in you share his room and have a nice day out on your own while the weddings on then he can leave after the day part and you go somewhere together.
I know my husband wouldn’t want to go if I wasn’t invited especially not four hours away and costing hundreds of £

FairyCakeWings · 30/03/2022 16:55

If it’s family and your in laws are agreeable, they could put out feelers to see if the couple would mind you coming to the evening do, presuming there is one. I’d make sure they’re definitely having evening guests first though.

It would be rude for your dp to ask if you can come directly, and it would be even more rude for you to just turn up. Definitely not the early impression you want to create with your DPs family.

NameChangeCity123 · 30/03/2022 16:55

I'm going to guess you have never been married and have no understanding of how stressful planning a wedding and sticking to numbers is or you would definitely not be suggesting crashing some poor souls special day that you aren't invited to....

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