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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A wedding question

85 replies

cousinwedding · 30/03/2022 16:42

It's a wedding question, but it's not too dramatic I hope.

DP has been invited to his cousin's wedding in September. It's in a hotel four hours away and will necessitate him staying two nights.

He hasn't got a plus one. We have been together five years. They would definitely be aware of this but I don't know them that well, have only seen them at other weddings and funerals - he doesn't even know them that well really. He's a bit miffed but I said to him that they might be trying to keep numbers down (no idea what size the wedding is.)

Would it be unreasonable to go with him to the hotel and go to the drinking/dancing part of the wedding? I do not want to impose on them but if he's spending hundreds of pounds and two days away, then obviously he'd prefer to have me with him and I'd like to go with him. I'd also like to get to know his family better.

Would that just be a rude slap in the face to the bride? Is there a way for him to ask if this would be okay without seeming like I'm angling for an invitation to the dinner? As far as I'm aware they have no reason to dislike me, so being excluded is probably not personal.

He doesn't feel that declining the invitation is an option; it would create family drama.

OP posts:

Seraphinesupport · 30/03/2022 18:36

You cant go uninvited but you can ask if you are able to go to the evening do, they might not mind. it may be due to numbers

Mummytobe93 · 30/03/2022 18:41

I think it’s disrespectful to not be included in a invitation of your DPs cousin’s wedding. If his family is aware of you being a long time partner, there’s no excuse really, even if there’re “tight in numbers”, it shouldn’t apply to close family and their partners, married or not.

However

I don’t think there’s anything you can personally do about it.

If I was your DP I’d either ask if you can come or not attend at all.

MrsToothyBitch · 30/03/2022 18:44

I think they were mean not to invite you but perhaps they were hoping that they'd done their "duty" by issuing the invite and he would decline since it was sans +1.

Don't go. We're doing our plans atm ad headcount is an utter ball ache. Evening catering is still headcount based, even if it's a bit more loosey goosey than a wedding breakfast. Whether they've been fair to you or not, you're U to be a crasher to something they've paid to lay on and could be very tightly budgeting to give their invited guests the best they can.

greenlynx · 30/03/2022 18:56

I wouldn’t ask if they are not close, even about the evening. I suspect that the problem is always about numbers. It might be not about you exactly but you need to draw the line somewhere e.g all cousins have plus one or only married cousins have plus one. The difference might be enormous. DH’s mum did quite a drastic cut of his cousins for our wedding, he’s from a big family (more then 10 cousins nearly all married)

CallMeDaddy58 · 30/03/2022 19:02

Going to a wedding in your own family without your DP is hardly dreadful. It’s not like he’ll be sat alone. Presumably even though he isn’t close to the cousin he knows his own parents and siblings!

CallMeDaddy58 · 30/03/2022 19:04

@Mummytobe93

However

I don’t think there’s anything you can personally do about it.

If I was your DP I’d either ask if you can come or not attend at all.

Well she specifically said they aren’t close and “right for numbers isn’t an excuse”. Of course it is. You can only physically accommodate so many people in a venue! Between me and DH we have at least 40 cousins. If we had invited them and their partners that’s an extra 40 seats to magic out of thin air.

MintyGreenDream · 30/03/2022 19:12

Fuck no

Sharnydubs · 30/03/2022 19:50

You mustn't gate crash . If it was me, I would however, go for the trip and keep my husband company on the journey. I'd amuse myself sightseeing or shopping on the wedding day.
Re a previous comment ; a wedding ceremony is never private ! They're being made less accessible by being held in venues other than churches, but by law they can't be private.

CurzonDax · 30/03/2022 19:52

Erm, the bride and groom may be in breach of contract (with the venue) if you do just turn up. Many venues ask for evening only numbers, and charge for these guests (usually they need to know numbers for health and safety reasons, and charge for food).
An extra person? The venue may not even notice (you may even get lucky and there may be another guest who doesn't show on the day). However, if the venue did find out, the bride and groom could end up in trouble - this is not how you want his family to get to know you.

MardyMandy · 30/03/2022 20:26

Is it? Do people really not do stuff without their partner?
This. Married 30 years and DH has loads of cousins, neices and nephews got married over the years. Sometimes I didn't get invited (ones I'd rarely or never met) and sometimes I didn't go even if I was invited. All 3 or 4 hours away. It's mostly claimed it's about numbers. I'm not bothered if it's not. I hardly know them. Husband went off on his own and I was happy staying at home.

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