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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A wedding question

85 replies

cousinwedding · 30/03/2022 16:42

It's a wedding question, but it's not too dramatic I hope.

DP has been invited to his cousin's wedding in September. It's in a hotel four hours away and will necessitate him staying two nights.

He hasn't got a plus one. We have been together five years. They would definitely be aware of this but I don't know them that well, have only seen them at other weddings and funerals - he doesn't even know them that well really. He's a bit miffed but I said to him that they might be trying to keep numbers down (no idea what size the wedding is.)

Would it be unreasonable to go with him to the hotel and go to the drinking/dancing part of the wedding? I do not want to impose on them but if he's spending hundreds of pounds and two days away, then obviously he'd prefer to have me with him and I'd like to go with him. I'd also like to get to know his family better.

Would that just be a rude slap in the face to the bride? Is there a way for him to ask if this would be okay without seeming like I'm angling for an invitation to the dinner? As far as I'm aware they have no reason to dislike me, so being excluded is probably not personal.

He doesn't feel that declining the invitation is an option; it would create family drama.

OP posts:

Thatswhyimacat · 30/03/2022 16:57

There are many reasons why evening dos are not necessarily free for alls - they may be putting on extra catering, have a bar tab, fire regulations vs venue capacity etc etc.

Maireas · 30/03/2022 16:57

@Hospedia

I just wouldn't go "sorry I'm not available that weekend, best wishes and cingratulations", job done.

I think the issue is that she's not invited. No invitation to decline.

Original poster

cousinwedding · 30/03/2022 16:59

oh well, that seems pretty unanimous. I don't think I'd really want to go just to the hotel, I think there's a risk that I would get brought in to the main event or else I'd have to avoid all of his family all evening even though they'd know I was there, which would also not be great. I guess he will just have to go on his own if he feels he can't decline, but it's a bit shit.

OP posts:

EinsteinaGogo · 30/03/2022 16:59

Does he want to go, OP?

If he doesn't know them very well, he politely decline. They may be inviting him as a courtesy?

Unfortunately it's not good form to turn up to an evening do you're not invited to, so I would say he goes alone, or not at all, sadly.

Viviennemary · 30/03/2022 17:00

Of course you can't go if you haven't been invited. It is a big cheeky of them not to invite you when you have been together for 5 years.

Vallmo47 · 30/03/2022 17:00

Yeah…. That’s a no OP.

Crankley · 30/03/2022 17:01

Lots of weddings have evening guests, so you could join in.

Don't be absurd, of course OP can't just turn up to the evening bit uninvited! OP, you've said yourself that you barely know them, so why would they invite you to their wedding, especially if numbers are tight?

Please don't embarrass yourself. Let your DP go and find something interesting to do in his absence.

Lastqueenofscotland · 30/03/2022 17:01

You CANNOT just go!!
Me and DP were talking about this the other day and we have HUGE families and would not be able to have +1s! It quickly spirals.

NewBrownMouse · 30/03/2022 17:04

If there is one I would book myself into the nearest spa hotel, after the first night DP could leave from there in the morning and if not too far he could get a taxi back to join you or pay for a closer cheap hotel for himself. During the wedding you get a day of pampering and afternoon tea. He gets to attend the wedding but spend time with you before and after.

incognitoforthisone · 30/03/2022 17:12

You can't just go to a wedding reception to which you're not invited, evening do or not.

There will be a good reason you haven't been invited and it's almost certainly just about numbers, so no, don't ask for an invite and don't turn up at any part of the wedding. If your DP is miffed that you haven't been invited, then he could politely decline his own invitation and say that he can't make it. Or you could go with him to the hotel and do something else that day while he's at the wedding and then spend the following day doing something together, maybe?

Original poster

cousinwedding · 30/03/2022 17:15

oh, and thanks for the alternate suggestions, everyone, will consider them.

I don't have a good enough feel for the family dynamics to know if putting out feelers re the evening do (just the evening do not the whole thing) via his parents to the cousin's parents is a reasonable idea. His mum has already offered to speak to her sibling but I don't want her to have to deal with any awkwardness either. I'll show my partner this thread!

OP posts:

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 30/03/2022 17:17

Is your DP actually bothering to go?
4hrs for a cousin without your DP is a bit of a PITA.
I'd skip it if I were him, or smuggle you in

NeedleNoodle3 · 30/03/2022 17:19

You can’t go.

maddy68 · 30/03/2022 17:19

No. You are not invited. You don't go

Original poster

cousinwedding · 30/03/2022 17:21

4hrs for a cousin without your DP is a bit of a PITA.

I know! That's the only reason I'm asking, honestly, it's much more crappy for him than it is for me.

OP posts:

FairyCakeWings · 30/03/2022 17:23

It doesn’t have to be awkward for parents of the couple to talk to their siblings about things like this. My mum did it before my wedding and I’ve got details about cousins weddings through my aunts/uncles speaking to my parents. I thought it was normal!

I’d never put one of my cousins in the position of being asked something like this directly because that would be rude, but our mums talking about it and passing information on avoids the awkwardness.

Lulu1919 · 30/03/2022 17:24

All evening guests have to be paid for if there is food etc at most venues ...esp hotels
So no you can't just turn up !!!!

KatsuKatsu · 30/03/2022 17:25

You can't just turn up to someone's wedding reception. That's a really shit thing to do. Just accept you're not wanted there.

KatsuKatsu · 30/03/2022 17:25

You're not joined at the hip he can go by himself

perimenofertility · 30/03/2022 17:26

You cannot just turn up! Aside from the cost of food and drink, the venue will have a maximum capacity and they've invited your DH alone to keep within the numbers.
If he's that desperate for you to join him he should ask the cousin whether it's possible to add you in, otherwise he should go alone or not go.
It's really not rude to invite one spouse without the other if you don't know the other well. This used to be standard practice when I was growing up. It's a fairly modern thing to insist on couples or nothing.

Justmuddlingalong · 30/03/2022 17:26

If he only wants to go if you're invited, he should politely decline the invitation. If he wants to go regardless of you being there, he should go.

Pyri · 30/03/2022 17:27

@cousinwedding

4hrs for a cousin without your DP is a bit of a PITA.

I know! That's the only reason I'm asking, honestly, it's much more crappy for him than it is for me.

Is it? Do people really not do stuff without their partner?

RockingAFrock · 30/03/2022 17:28

Of course you could rock up to the evening but do you want to be remembered and eternally reminded of it? All DP has to do is ask. He’s no worse off just adding the request on the RSVP and it will go one of two ways. Unless numbers are really tight they’ll probably agree. I hope you get to go.

Daisydoesnt · 30/03/2022 17:29

he doesn't even know them that well really

but then also this:

He doesn't feel that declining the invitation is an option; it would create family drama

OP how can there be drama if he declines if he doesn't even know them that well?! Unless you mean his parents would be upset. In which case remind him he's an adult and can do as he pleases.

KatsuKatsu · 30/03/2022 17:29

*It's a wedding question, but it's not too dramatic I hope.? You're threatening to gatecrash. That's pretty dramatic.

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