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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A wedding question

85 replies

cousinwedding · 30/03/2022 16:42

It's a wedding question, but it's not too dramatic I hope.

DP has been invited to his cousin's wedding in September. It's in a hotel four hours away and will necessitate him staying two nights.

He hasn't got a plus one. We have been together five years. They would definitely be aware of this but I don't know them that well, have only seen them at other weddings and funerals - he doesn't even know them that well really. He's a bit miffed but I said to him that they might be trying to keep numbers down (no idea what size the wedding is.)

Would it be unreasonable to go with him to the hotel and go to the drinking/dancing part of the wedding? I do not want to impose on them but if he's spending hundreds of pounds and two days away, then obviously he'd prefer to have me with him and I'd like to go with him. I'd also like to get to know his family better.

Would that just be a rude slap in the face to the bride? Is there a way for him to ask if this would be okay without seeming like I'm angling for an invitation to the dinner? As far as I'm aware they have no reason to dislike me, so being excluded is probably not personal.

He doesn't feel that declining the invitation is an option; it would create family drama.

OP posts:

escapingthecity · 30/03/2022 17:29

They may well have a 'no ring no bring' policy on partners, simply as a way of managing numbers. We did that for our wedding, and if we hadn't met the partner it was an automatic no if they weren't married.

KatsuKatsu · 30/03/2022 17:31

@escapingthecity

No ring no bring? What nonsense. Just make it if you haven't met then it's an automatic no and be done with it. Marriages break up all the time.

okayigetit · 30/03/2022 17:40

Why would you want to go to a wedding you weren't invited to? In this situation I wouldn't even want my DP to ask if I could go I'd just accept I'm not invited. My DP was best man at a wedding once and I was only invited to the evening do haha (I live in London and wedding was in Scotland!) I thought it was abit rude but at the end of the day, I wasn't invited so 🤷🏼‍♀️

lanthanum · 30/03/2022 17:50

If they're not that close, perhaps it was borderline whether they included him or not - in which case they might not be too bothered if he decided not to go on his own. They might have invited him to avoid offending his parents.

There will very likely be a headcount on the evening do as well as the meal, so it's not just a question of joining in.

Fernandina · 30/03/2022 17:54

@cousinwedding

oh, and thanks for the alternate suggestions, everyone, will consider them.

I don't have a good enough feel for the family dynamics to know if putting out feelers re the evening do (just the evening do not the whole thing) via his parents to the cousin's parents is a reasonable idea. His mum has already offered to speak to her sibling but I don't want her to have to deal with any awkwardness either. I'll show my partner this thread!

Perhaps your partner's mum might be able to put out some feelers and see if she can tactfully find out why you haven't been invited.

Inviting your cousin but not their partner of 5 years is a bit off etiquette-wise if you ask me.

MrsWinters · 30/03/2022 18:00

They are beyond outrageous not inviting you. It’s a family event and after five years you are bloody family. Quite frankly he should tell them to stuff it, but if he’s going to go, go to the hotel too but book a massage and some treats for yourself.
Don’t look like a sad sack and crash their wedding. But any family events on your side I wouldn’t invite them going forwards. As for the they don’t know you that well- well of course not -YET, but it’s at events that you get to know people.
I wouldn’t get them a gift either

MrsWinters · 30/03/2022 18:03

No ring no bring is bloody antiquated- I know plenty of couples who have been living together for decades and are in more committed relationships than most marrieds

LegMeChicken · 30/03/2022 18:03

@KatsuKatsu Marriage is a clear sign of commitment. Yeah, they can break up, but it's harder than just partners.
And partners B&G have met, obvious.

Otherwise everyone has a different threshold for 'committed' partners and throws a hissy fit about theirs not being invited. 10 years, living together + kids is obvious. 5 years together, LDR, is that really life partners? Or 5 years but not living together, with them only meeting up once a month (yes, I know people like this).

I don't understand this obsession btw, if I haven't met someone why would I want to attend their wedding just because my partner was invited? Makes no sense. If partner doesn't know anybody he's not close enough and can happily decline. I'd be a bit upset if it's a sibling, but cousin etc .. no bother. Don't know why OP is obsessed with this, her DP isn't a child needing entertainment

VenezuelaChant · 30/03/2022 18:05

@escapingthecity

Do you mean only married couples were allowed? If so, not a sensible or fair policy at all. People can marry within weeks of knowing each other and couples can be together decades without getting married.

LegMeChicken · 30/03/2022 18:05

Also sometimes a single invitation is a sign that they don't really want your DP there either.
People may feel 'obligated' to invite extended family but don't really care whether they come. Take the hint...

Geranium1984 · 30/03/2022 18:06

We had this same issue with cousins/friends and guest numbers so decided on a no ring no bring rule. We didn't know most of the partners very well or at all anyway.

One of my husbands cousins did ask us if his new gf could come to the evening do, we thought it was pretty rude to ask but said OK as our numbers were mainly restricted for dinner table capacity. It was cheeky though.

TooManyPJs · 30/03/2022 18:07

Ask if he can have a plus one. My DHs cousin did that and it was actually fine as we'd had someone drop out so we agreed.

It will just be a numbers thing.

DitheringBlidiot · 30/03/2022 18:07

@escapingthecity

How did this work for you in reality, surely you've got friends who have been with partners for years and some who have only been together and married for less?

Pyri · 30/03/2022 18:11

@escapingthecity

I wasn’t invited to 2 weddings when my husband and I were living together but not yet engaged for this very reason.

Neither of us said anything of course, but I internally thought it was a shit policy, held on to my petty little gripe and told DH his friends shouldn’t get a plus one when we married a few years later.

Couples can do whatever they want and invite whoever they want, of course. But it’s a bit mean to invite one person without a plus one then expect two invitations back when those people do get married.

cjpark · 30/03/2022 18:12

You have 2 options Op. You can either stay home, because you are not invited and your DP goes to the wedding alone or he declines the invite and the two of you go away somewhere else with the money you saved by not going.

Squirrelblanket · 30/03/2022 18:12

Wow no, you can't just turn up. 😂

Herewegoagain84 · 30/03/2022 18:13

You absolutely cannot attend uninvited - but DH should ask whether you might be able to perhaps join for a drink in the evening (dinner is expensive and that’s where they might be trying to keep numbers down).

SunshineAndFizz · 30/03/2022 18:13

No you can't go, and no I wouldn't get anyone to ask for you either. If it was ok for you to go to the evening you'd have been invited. End of.

Bit shit I agree, but thats life sometimes.

HogwartsForever11 · 30/03/2022 18:13

YABU obviously. There is often food at evening receptions that they will have paid for per head.

Sandinmyknickers · 30/03/2022 18:17

Wow. Not the way to get to know his family better. Jeez
And why would he decline? Surely he just goes without you and if you want, you can make more of an effort to get to know his family another time

RealRaymondReddington · 30/03/2022 18:18

I'd just ask if they would be okay with that really. You can definitely go to the hotel and stay if you want to, but the evening reception is usually invite only. I suspect they may say no problem, unless the numbers are a problem- pay per guest/venue licensed for x guests etc. I think if you just turn up it will cause drama and his family may feel they are getting to know you in a rather negative light.

Sandinmyknickers · 30/03/2022 18:25

Also it doesn't sound like 'no ring no bring' to me. Sounds more like the cousins aren't that close anyway, you don't know them and your dp was a bit of a courtesy invite anyway. Why should they invite their cousin's partner they've barely met/don't know to their wedding?
If you cared that much, make more of an effort going forward to get to know his cousins and family

pucelleauxblanchesmains · 30/03/2022 18:28

No you can't go uninvited but I would definitely be miffed in your place about no invite.

Harridan1981 · 30/03/2022 18:29

Why is it worse for him? Surely he goes on his own, sees his family etc, or he declines?

MrMrsJones · 30/03/2022 18:32

I think it's rude of the bride and groom.

You are a long term partner and should be invited. If they can't afford it, they shouldn't invite him either.

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