How many times should I be having sex?!

[strawberrysurprise]

Stupid question..

How many times is the 'ideal' amount you should be having sex to conceive?

Extremely naive - I've been ttc but only having sex 3-4 times a month and only during my 'ovulation week'. Wondering if I'm literally just not having enough sex!!

Am I being unrealistic? How many times is the ideal amount?

Look into other ways of tracking ovulation rather than an app . Assuming the app just notifies you 14 days after your period. Investigate tracking your temperature

strawberrysurprise It could be psychological, and with that in mind, have you ever tried talking to somebody? A therapist?

It could be that you have a number of complicated (or straightforward!) things to unravel around your self esteem and how you connect that to sexual contact, and some time (and money, alas) invested there could help enormously.

Your husband seems to be great and you trust him, but there's something at the back of your mind, and you might have a lot more fun trying to get pregnant if you had a little help.

While struggling TTC, I used to feel jealous of people for whom everything seemed to work out with no effort, and every one I know seemed like that.

I like to have sex 3-4 times a week, but when trying to TTC it just added a lot of pressure, so something I previously enjoyed became a chore!

Some great advice from posters above. Given the problems of TTC I'd be inclined to have sex much more frequently. It's one variable over which you have some control, and as is it's possibly not enough unless you get the timing right.

Good luck OP, and try avoid putting yourself under pressure (knowing that I did exactly that myself!)

Hi OP
I have severe endo and it took me three years to conceive no 1. However one thing I realised later was I felt so ill around ovulation so that meant sex didn’t happen then. Could this be happening to you? I used to ovulate v late too (also pcos). Eventually I realised that I was ovulating when I felt ill and we did manage to conceive. Endo is a nightmare!! Best of luck xx

@strawberrysurprise

I think it probably is me being naive and expecting to get pregnant through little sex.

I am terrified that I will have fertility issues due to the endo and the issues I have and I just can't face it so I don't put every effort into it so I can't be heartbroken. Instead I stupidly think if I slightly try and it doesn't work then it wasn't my fault!

I think you need to access some counselling and address these issues before continuing with TTC. If you have extremely low self esteem as you've said that will get worse and you won't enjoy your pregnancy unless you deal with it first. See your GP.

How do you know when your ovulation week is, OP? Are you actually tracking, or going off an app prediction?

I would normally advise to have sex every other day from the end of your period to the start of your next one to guarantee that you hit the right days. However, if sex is painful for you and you don't feel up to doing it that much, you need to track your ovulation to make sure you're definitely having sex on the right days.

Have you tried using the Clearblue advanced ovulation tests? They show when your estrogen levels are rising so you get a bit more advance warning of when you are likely to ovulate compared to using the normal ovulation sticks.

Ideally your partner should be ejaculating every two days for optimal sperm freshness as well, so if you are only planning to have sex in the lead up to ovulation, he should, er, take matters into his own hands every other day. (But not every day because if he has a low sperm count he needs time to build up again.)

Speaking from experience, I would just have a couple of months ignoring the fertile window.
Having sex regularly thought the month. Every 2-3 days.

Conceived twice in one month of TTC. We had sec at least every other day. I was 37, then 40, we didn’t want to miss any opportunities.

Oh wow people here do it a lot!

Both times I conceived it was outside of my fertile window according to dates.

I remember reading try to have sex every other day throughout the month. It sounds like you could do with upping it regardless.

I will try ovulation sticks to see if I am actually fertile when my app says I am!

I'm concerned that this is going to be a long journey due to my endo (which I've been told doesn't look too bad) but I do also have issues with one tube. I don't know if these issues will make a difference or not but I am scared.

Sticks can be helpful but can also take you down the wrong path at times. The more the merrier if you can.

Read sperm meets egg plan.

I’ve only been doing it a few times within fertile window and hasn’t worked. But my first child was conceived with one go so it also just takes one time.

Try not to worry too much, the pressure you are putting on yourself won't help.

I have endo too and there was always a bit of a question mark about us conceiving. However we did the whole 'fertile window' ovulation kits etc....

On the occasion we did conceive, we did it once! We had both been Ill and my husband had been working shifts that month (definitely thought we didn't have a chance as had barely seen each other). Turns out we timed it perfect (according to my ovulation kit, the day before ovulation).

Fingers crossed for you.

[quote strawberrysurprise]@loves2plan

I have long cycles too so I think I'm wrong to leave it down to an app to tell me now after seeing all of these responses!! 😂[/quote]
I tend towards four periods a year, a got an app that tracked my periods for a while then used cheap ovulation sticks of Amazon to try and pinpoint when I ovulate. I def ovulate at a funny point but also managed to conceive
Also your pain sounds similar to mine. Worse at penetration, and quite near the entrance

@yaboreme

This fills me with hope thank you.
It's so hard not to Google and catastrophise!

@SleepingStandingUp

I do actually have a period every month but my cycles tend to go from 30-36 days long which my doctor was concerned about - although Google and my app think that's normal.

Did you ever discover what your pain was caused by? I very rarely read about others with the same pain as me! Xx

Have a look at the endo link I shared @strawberrysurprise

It explains how the writer used cbd oil then cbd lube to help with pain and psychological issues around intercourse with endo.

Things may be tense when first ‘starting’ combined with pressure on endo tissue in your pelvis causing the pain you described (that seems to go after a while).

Make sure you’re orgasming before PIV so you’re getting endorphins to help.

Forget about ovulation and fertile windows. Just have sex every other day all month. Or even better, every day! But that might not be feasible! Honestly just enjoy it.

@Stath

I have had a look thank you. I'm worried that cbd lube might prevent conception? I don't know - I'm clueless about things like this!! But it will be worth a try for the pain alone I think.

Interesting regarding orgasm prior to sex - I thought the opposite would be better! Thank you xx

"as often as possible". It's not on ration.

Firstly, sorry to hear that your Endo is reducing your enjoyment of sex. Have you spoken to your doctor about it because it may not all be psychological?

As a lesbian I come at this from a very different place. We found that more foreplay, lubricant and discussions of which positions 'caught' on her endo tissue helped us when it came to penetrative sex and and toy play...I assume it may be simialr for hetero sisters. The conversation with your partner can be awkward but honesty, openeness and a willingness to experiemnt can really help. And if not, maybe a chat with your doctor about medication or lapro surgery may help. Thankfully this wasn't something we needed.

As to conceiving...well, as a lesbian I have a unique take on this activity. If you find sex uncomfortable don't force yourself to 'do it' more than you are comfortable with. Traditional penentrative sex is not the only way to get sperm to meet the egg. A catheter and syringe bought online and a male partner willing to fill the syringe with some quality mastabatory time means you can DIY insert as much sperm as you want without traditional sex to up your chances of fertilisation. There are lots of resources and how to guides online. Having a partner be part of the process and in control of the syringe keeps them involved too. Its a possibility you may or may not want to consider.

I watched a programme once where Prof Robert Winston said he is convinced one of the main causes of infertility is people just not having enough sex.

I have no experience of endo although it does sound to me like some work on "you" through therapy, or whatever means to help you relax sound like a good idea. You sound like you have a wonderful caring supportive partner OP, i would say he holds you in high esteem.. be kinder to yourself and see if you can learn to do the same

First time we did every other day the whole cycle; conceived on month 3.

Second time we did every other day the whole cycle then every day during fertile window; conceived first month of TTC.

[quote strawberrysurprise]@SleepingStandingUp

I do actually have a period every month but my cycles tend to go from 30-36 days long which my doctor was concerned about - although Google and my app think that's normal.

Did you ever discover what your pain was caused by? I very rarely read about others with the same pain as me! Xx[/quote]
No, I had some endo laserted off previously during a laproscope but it was v mild. I do have PCOS. It is better when I'm relaxed or tipsy 😂. Sometimes the pain lasts and I find penetration after climax virtually unbearable so I wonder if just too many nerve endings kinda thing?

Great you have regular ones, def make sure you app adjusts to your actual cycle and try the ovulation sticks. Cos of my Pcos I didn't ovulate v often so e ded up having drugs to make me ovulate.

It wasn't happening for us 1st time around, and then took a more structured approach (that sounds awful I know) after reading few forums, books and so on. It included cycle tracking, every second day, health/diet/exercise, orgasm for me, pillow and everything else you can imagine. Nothing after 6 months, and then went for discussion with GP, and then the next month (having done nothing different) it worked!

Our second was a happy accident with none of the above planning, organizing. So I've had the stressful experience, and the unplanned experience, both are very different! Wishing you all the best OP.