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AIBU?

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Original poster

How many times should I be having sex?!

110 replies

strawberrysurprise · 29/03/2022 23:13

Stupid question..

How many times is the 'ideal' amount you should be having sex to conceive?

Extremely naive - I've been ttc but only having sex 3-4 times a month and only during my 'ovulation week'. Wondering if I'm literally just not having enough sex!!

Am I being unrealistic? How many times is the ideal amount?

OP posts:
Sushi7 · 30/03/2022 08:34

Could you take a break from ttc and learn to be more intimate together? This would reduce stress and you’d also get your intimacy back. Your current setup sounds very clinical. If it hurts could you try lube? I also have endo.

Luredbyapomegranate · 30/03/2022 08:49

A GP friend of mine says an awful lot of 30s infertility is down to not enough sex.

Every other day is optimal, apparently.

BethTTC · 30/03/2022 08:56

I'd also get some ovulation sticks from Amazon and use those, they'll show when you're actually ovulating.

Questiontellme · 30/03/2022 09:06

The professional advice I was given by the consultants when I was referred after I struggled to conceive, was every 36 hrs from the day your period has fully finished to 7 days before my period was due (I had regular cycles).

Monday55 · 30/03/2022 09:08

You need to buy ovulation tests to try and pin point your own body's ovulation window. The app is just guessing and doesn't know when you ovulate.

Stath · 30/03/2022 09:22

As @Ginfilledcats mentioned spermmeetseggplan.com/

Have you tried using a ‘conception’ lubricant? That could possibly help with discomfort too.

Have you thought about taking any steps to raise your self-esteem? You mentioned it being low.
Can I ask if you get validation and lovely things said to you by your DH?

I’ve made the mistake of trying to have a baby to ‘fix’ things. I believed my new identity as a mother would miraculously make my doubts and low self-regard disappear, or at least hide them in a cupboard whilst I became focused on my new tiny human.

It didn’t work. Those feelings were still there but now had the added thoughts of parental worries and self-berating ‘I’m not good enough for my baby’ doubts.

I hope I’m not stepping out of line in saying the best gift you can give to your future child is a mother who has robust mental health and confidence in herself. You need to put yourself first before you become a mother and finding yourself putting yourself last.

As I’ve got older (and divorced and remarried to an amazing man who worships me and is my best cheerleader) my confidence has bloomed and I’ve grown into someone I’d look up to and ask advice from.

Good luck with ttc @strawberrysurprise. Flowers

rhowton · 30/03/2022 09:26

We had sex every other day, starting from the day my period finished, and conceived in the first month.

For our second child, we had sex once as I could tell I was ovulating, and I fell pregnant.

irishfarmer · 30/03/2022 09:43

I would recommend easy@home ovulation sticks. After a lot of 'winging' it and going off my app to predict ovulation I tried OPKs after a mc and got pregnant 1st month TTC. I used the sticks every day from when my period ended. I know I was lucky to get pregnant 1st month but they did help with pin pointing my ovulation and I would use them again next time.

Good luck, I know it's frustrating and I can only imagine made harder by endo. Also as PP said, most of sex can be else where as long as DH finishes in the right spot!

OooohAhhhh · 30/03/2022 09:55

I got pregnant by DTD only twice (over two separate days) during my ovulation week, so unbeknown to me I timed it bang on, and maybe I was lucky.
I'd definitely DTD at least every other day during ovulation to have a better chance of catching on.

kaleidoscope123 · 30/03/2022 09:57

@strawberrysurprise

Thanks everyone!

@ImInStealthMode I have endo and sex tends to hurt. We do have sex outside of fertile window but we've only recently started ttc. I'm also terrified of 'failure' and not ending up falling pregnant so atm sex isn't fun as I'm constantly worrying about my fertility due to doctors having a couple of concerns regarding my endo. I want to get pregnant so bad but I'm terrified of it not happening so it does put me off putting my all into it incase I fail. Hope this makes sense!

I used pre seed fertility lube which really helped and we did every other day during ovulation widow and extended either side to ensure we were hitting the exact time as it can vary from looking at the fertility chats. It also says to stay still after dtd and/raising legs. Worked for us as conceived in second month of trying. Hope this helps. www.boots.com/pre-seed-fertility-lubricant-40g-10244954?cm_mmc=bmm-buk-google-ppc--PLAs_HeroCompare--Healthcare_Other-_-UK_Smart_Shopping_Healthcare_Other&gclid=Cj0KCQjw_4-SBhCgARIsAAlegrVn19aRpTSYTdwa5gnuUSv4TrHeyStfAdsv1WYH1RdEmRUuICTSuBUaApcEEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds
IwaswhoIam · 30/03/2022 10:12

My first was conceived during my ovulation week . I miscarried.

With my second pregnancy we tried for several months ( mostly around ovulation but still a few other times throughout the month) but we realised as the Summer arrived that we weren’t going to conceive for a few months ( or so we thought 😆) because he was away for two weeks in June while I was ovulating, I was away for work for my ovulation in July and August ( I am like clockwork ). So we were like whatever and had sex for fun ( like it should be lol).

In June we had sex a few days after my period and then my husband went away on a trip. We conceived our son 😁

With my third pregnancy and second son, we were not trying. We were going to start trying in a few months and were using condoms . We had sex on my period unprotected because I figured the chances we low ( I thought impossible). It was actually the only sex we had the entire month because my husband had to travel again. Anyway, it got me pregnant . I was shocked . My period wasn’t even regular as I was still nursing my first born who was 11 months old .

So what I’ve learnt is you really can conceive any time of the month and even if you think you know when you are ovulating you can be wrong .

C152 · 30/03/2022 10:31

Well, you can have sex once and be lucky (happened for me this way twice). For my second child, I used a free web ovulation calendar to guess my most fertile days, then on or a day before those days, I used the clear blue ovulation tests to double-check. (There were a few months where I was only fertile for 1 day; there's no point having sex - other than fun, obviously! - on any other day.) We had sex on those days. It took 7 months of doing this to get pregnant.

Original poster
strawberrysurprise · 30/03/2022 10:32

Thanks again everyone, so much helpful advice here. 💜

Our situation is def not clinical, my dh is wonderful - my endo and self esteem is the problem. I dread sex because I associate it with pain. He is extremely understanding and therefore we do limit sex unless I am feeling more at ease. We are intimate in other ways instead. I just can't shrug off the feelings that I'm failing by not even being capable of having pain free sex.

Saying that.. the pain during sex is felt mainly just as it begins... as it goes on it does ease hugely and by the end I have no problem. This is where I can't tell if this is endo pain or psychological.

OP posts:
loves2plan · 30/03/2022 10:36

I would say every 2 or 3 days. Cycles can be so unpredictable so it's hard to say when exactly your fertile period will be, I conceived on Day 31 which would be most people's last cycle day because my cycles are so long 😂

Original poster
strawberrysurprise · 30/03/2022 10:40

@loves2plan

I have long cycles too so I think I'm wrong to leave it down to an app to tell me now after seeing all of these responses!! 😂

OP posts:
Chely · 30/03/2022 10:45

Once to how ever many times you like.

Our youngest was conceived in a month where we only dtd twice due to dh working away. We are a relaxed if it happens it happens type of couple because of dh's career, we have 6 kids (had many more pregnancies than live births) so works well for us.

Stath · 30/03/2022 11:03

@strawberrysurprise I’m so happy you replied that your DH is brill. Bet he finds you the sexiest woman alive and would be upset if he knew you were hiding pain from him.

www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/321417#takeaway

Using a (sperm friendly) lube can help immensely with relaxation leading up to penetrative intercourse. The above link is pretty general but mentions more comfortable positions with endo pain and also a bit about communicating with your DH.

Practise talking about your pain, how you feel about yourself, sex etc with your DH. It can be very awkward and difficult but as with anything the more you do it the easier it becomes.

This skill will pave the way for all the millions of difficult conversations and feelings you’ll have and face when you’re parents (with the added bonus of being knackered and short of time!)

Flowers
Putdownthecake · 30/03/2022 11:08

I think everyone is different. We conceived month 2, 3 times a day across 3 most fertile days. I read that sperms are like roman soldiers, the first go out to 'die' and second lot are stronger! But I've also read the complete opposite and that its better to build up the reserves so who knows!

ImFree2doasiwant · 30/03/2022 11:12

Wll it okay takes once but that once has to be at the right time. I ttc for 2.5 yrs with my first. The successful month we dtd on days 4 and 6 only. Nowhere near where you'd exactly my fertile window to be

Original poster
strawberrysurprise · 30/03/2022 11:19

@Stath thank you so much for your kind words

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberrysurprise · 30/03/2022 11:24

Out of interest (and I know nobody is going to obviously know this 100%) - does my sex pain sound endo related or psychological?

I struggle with pelvic exams/smear tests too literally at the opening. The doctors as always surprised at my reaction when they've barely even started. I wouldn't say I have 'deep' pelvic pain as when I do get to the deep stage of sex the pain goes. The pain seems to be always at the beginning when sex is just starting.

I always find it difficult to turn my brain off. I was in an abusive relationship years ago but I don't know if this is me making excuses and it's actually endo pain or if this is psychological. I just do not know!! The not knowing what the pain is caused from is just as bad as the actual pain to me.

Thank you everyone, I'm reading every single reply and it all helps. I feel like I've asked a silly question and the real issue is me self sabotaging any chances of pregnancy by not trying hard enough because if it fails and I do have fertility problems then it can't hurt me. Stupid, typical reaction from me. 💜

OP posts:
Superhanz · 30/03/2022 11:34

I've PM'd you OP.

Saveadayx · 30/03/2022 11:36

With my first child I was doing it randomly when I could and it took 4 months.

With my second i had learned I ovulate on day 13. So I tried on day 12 and 13 and 14 and got pregnant.

I know it's not the most helpful thing to say. But if you are both fertile it will happen. So try not to put pressure on yourself and overthink. I remember these days so well. I was lost in a world of getting pregnant. Testing 3 days before my period. Disappointed when I came on. I also had two very early chemical pregnancies from testing too early.

My kids are 4 and 7 now. Those years flew by. Its a lovely time in life and I wish you every happiness x

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/03/2022 11:37

When I was trying to get pregnant, we had sex every other day.