Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

University reunion

77 replies

mrsnec · 29/03/2022 09:28

I've got a few Aibus here.

I went to university 25 years ago. There's a reunion this summer. My first year was the best year of my life but in my second year I split up with my boyfriend (who is still on my mind constantly) and I couldn't find an industrial placement so I dropped out. So I didn't graduate.

I had a few good friends there I loved. I have sporadic contact with 2 of them on social media. I wish we are closer than we are. I've had a big trauma in my life recently. Neither of them have really been there for me.

I did visit my university city since and it didn't feel right. It didn't feel like I belonged there and everything had changed. My ex is back there now and I'm considering getting in touch.

I have suffered from anxiety quite a bit recently and this would be a really big deal for me. It's about a 5 hour train journey.

It's drinks and dinner rather than a big do. The friends I kept in touch with are both down as going but Neither have mentioned it to me. There's another girl too who blocked me on social media and I never found out why so I'm wondering if it would be awkward.

I feel like I need to decide soon as the recommended hotel is nearly full.

I can just about afford to go, I have an outfit to wear but am I better off letting bygones be bygones? I'm not one for nostalgia.

But, I worry I'm going to regret not going or that I won't be able to cope with it.

Wibu to book it and pull out if I don't feel up to it?

OP posts:
Catapultaway · 29/03/2022 09:34

I wouldn't expect someone who only did a year to be invited to be honest.
But if you want to go then go for it, life's too short to worry about what people you knew 25 years ago think.

LoganberryJam · 29/03/2022 09:36

It's really up to you OP - YANBU to go, YANBU not to go. It sounds to me like you want to go deep down?

unfortunateevents · 29/03/2022 09:40

It sounds as if you are not going for the wrong reasons. You have two friends from that time with whom you are in infrequent contact and if you didn't graduate there many people simply won't remember you. Also you must appreciate it is not healthy to still be obsessing over an ex from 25 years ago, what are you going to do if you turn up and he speaks to you vaguely in passing and then mostly about his wife and 2.4 children?

unfortunateevents · 29/03/2022 09:41

That post should say "going" rather than "not going".

SapphosRock · 29/03/2022 09:45

Personally I wouldn't. Presumably you have new friends who live close by and who have supported you through your recent trauma?

Travelling all that way to see some old uni acquaintances from 25 years ago who you barely speak to doesn't sound that great.

WildCoasts · 29/03/2022 09:49

There is no right or wrong here. Go, don't go. Plan to go and change your mind. It's all fine.

emmathedilemma · 29/03/2022 09:51

I wouldn’t go if I were you. It doesn’t sound like you have many friends or acquaintances that you want to catch up with and you’ve already found that you don’t have any attachment to the city. If it’s going to stress you out and stretch your budget why go?

CharSiu · 29/03/2022 09:52

Do not go, get therapy to find out what after 25 years your ex has such a hold over your head. It’s making you ill.

GetOutOfTheBathPlease · 29/03/2022 09:58

I've always enjoyed reunions more than I've expected to and I normally encourage other people to go. But in this case, I'd say you shouldn't feel any obligation- you weren't there for long and you might therefore find that not everyone remembers you.

Are you seeing it primarily as a possible opportunity to meet your ex again? This doesn't sound very healthy. If you want to get in touch with him, I'd do so separately from the reunion, but maybe have a good think first about what you're hoping to achieve and whether it's realistic. 25y is a long time.

BritInAus · 29/03/2022 10:00

It really doesn't sound like you want to go... so don't!

JenniferBarkley · 29/03/2022 10:03

I wouldn't. You didn't go for very long, only have sporadic contact with two people (I think you're unfair on them btw, I wouldn't expect acquaintances like that to be providing support during a trauma) and you're hung up on your ex from 25 years ago which could be very awkward. Do something nice instead, with people who are in your life now, not people from the past.

Rowgtfc72 · 29/03/2022 10:15

We've got a uni reunion this summer. Probably 25 years too. We toyed with going. The city we went to has changed. I'm still in touch with the people I wanted to stay in touch with so we're arranging to meet up separately. 25 years is a long time ago- lots of water under the bridge since then!

Original poster
mrsnec · 29/03/2022 10:21

I actually did 2 years. One of the other girls who is going did the same course and length of time as me.

Ex didn't go to uni. He was in the army and a local lad and got redeployed at around the time I dropped out. I've been thinking about him recently because I found out something that would have changed the circumstances. Ex is a separate issue I was just thinking if I'm there should I try and catch up with him too? I'm thinking about contacting him on social media but haven't yet.

Also we all stayed in catered halls in the first year. It was like a holiday camp and is now an out of town shopping centre. So people get nostalgic over that. The organisers are the guys that ran the union bar at the catered halls.

Re my friends it's a tough one. I stayed friends with them for years after but we just drifted apart. I lived in the same city as one of them for years after but we never met up. But both of them comment on everything I post yet rarely have actual conversations.

I do feel supported enough now and I am in a good place I'm just worried I'll regret not going and I don't really know why. I've missed other reunions before (not uni but school and work) and never felt like this.

OP posts:
Gruach · 29/03/2022 10:48

I honestly cannot think of a single good reason to go.

Attending a reunion for any other reason than because you know you’ll have fun is masochistic.

You’re not in touch with any of your old friends. If they wanted to be in touch they would be.

You want to use it as a means to catch up with an ex from 25 years ago. This is madness.

It’s a ten hour round trip - that you can only just afford. Why would you do this when it is highly unlikely you’ll have fun? It’s money and energy and worry expended to leave you feeling despondent.

You cannot recapture whatever you feel you lost a quarter of a century ago. And you have no good, present reason for going.

Please try to look forward - not back.

ButterfliesAndPancakes · 29/03/2022 10:52

Sounds awful. I like the people I went to uni but I still wouldn’t bother going. That’s a part of my life that’s over now. Also, you need to get over a bloke from 25 years ago! That’s mad.

Alisabeth332 · 29/03/2022 11:02

I definitely wouldn't go although I do think it sounds like you are edging more towards going.

My reasons for not going would be:

  • Friends from uni clearly aren't really close friends and cannot be bothered to meet up or engage in full conversation or ask you if you're going to the reunion. You have other good friends.
  • You didn't finish the course (I didn't either btw, it's something that really bothers me even though it was illness-related) and people might ask about it.
  • It's a long distance away and it's expensive
  • It sounds a bit like trying to get back to that feeling of being young, living in halls, with your whole life ahead of you but really by chasing that feeling you'd be going backwards rather than focusing on the future.
zingally · 29/03/2022 13:14

I wouldn't even consider it personally...

Travelling a long way, at great expense, to speak to 2 old uni acquaintances from 25 years ago, who have no role in your life now... Seems like a waste of time.

And going to see this old flame that you've been thinking about for 24 years... What are you hoping for there? Way too much water under the bridge to go anywhere near that.

No. Don't touch this with a barge pole. And maybe have a good long thing about why you are still so in your head about a guy you haven't seen or spoken to in nearly a quarter of a century.

ZoyaTheDestroyer · 29/03/2022 13:17

I don't think you should go, OP, especially if you're secretly hoping it will be a pretext to contact your ex. It's not healthy to be fixated on someone you split with 25 years ago. Time to look forward, not back.

balalake · 29/03/2022 13:25

I agree it is time to look forward and don't think you should go.

titchy · 29/03/2022 13:26

You're mid 40's and still hankering after a bloke and a lifestyle from when you were 18 or 19?

This is really unhealthy. I suspect you're going hoping to be transported back to a life you regret not having seen through, but you won't be. You'll be with a couple of passing acquaintances, with everyone talking about their successful careers, big houses and their kids' Oxbridge aspirations.

moonbedazzled · 29/03/2022 13:37

I'm going to be the complete opposite to everyone else. It sounds to me like you actually do want to go. So go. If it turns out dreadfully, you can leave at any time. But it won't be dreadful. You'll see people you haven't seen for 25yrs but you won't keep up these reacquaintances after the weekend is over. It'll probably be pleasant or boring but nothing bad. If you don't go, you'll always be wondering if you made the right decision and kicking yourself over what if. It's the things we don't do in life that we regret, not the things we do.

Original poster
mrsnec · 29/03/2022 13:40

My DC are going away to visit their grandparents who live abroad. Because I don't have to worry about childcare it feels like I should do something for myself but I rekon it's going to cost about 300 quid so there's probably better ways to spend the money. I'm separated from my husband at the moment and always resented him spending big money on reunions.

I have come to terms with the past I'm just wondering if it would be a good opportunity to rekindle old friendships and let my hair down. But I don't really want to hear people bragging about thier kids and their achievements but the lack of enthusiasm from my friends was a surprise too. I feel like if it was the other way round I'd be asking them if they were going and saying I'd see them there or make travel arrangements etc.

One of my friends lives in the city where I'd need to change trains.I was thinking of contacting her.

I think I'm just worried I'll regret it if I don't especially when I see pictures all over social media.

OP posts:
SpiderVersed · 29/03/2022 14:07

I think you’re looking back to your golden year because you’re separated from your husband and have been through a bad patch.

I don’t think going to a reunion of a course you only completed half of and in a city you have no connection with anymore will be remotely satisfying.

You can have a lot more fun for the money.

titchy · 29/03/2022 14:26

but the lack of enthusiasm from my friends was a surprise too.

I mean this kindly, honestly, but they're not your friends. They used to be 20 odd years ago. But they're just FB acquaintances now.

SapphosRock · 29/03/2022 15:13

Have you been proactive in contacting these FB friends and keeping the friendships going?

25 years is a long time. I remember having a brilliant time with my uni friends in the late 90s / early 00s and I'm still friends with lots of them on Facebook and occasionally comment on their posts. Tbh I probably wouldn't recognise them if I passed them in the street and they rarely cross my mind.