University reunion

[mrsnec]

I've got a few Aibus here.

I went to university 25 years ago. There's a reunion this summer. My first year was the best year of my life but in my second year I split up with my boyfriend (who is still on my mind constantly) and I couldn't find an industrial placement so I dropped out. So I didn't graduate.

I had a few good friends there I loved. I have sporadic contact with 2 of them on social media. I wish we are closer than we are. I've had a big trauma in my life recently. Neither of them have really been there for me.

I did visit my university city since and it didn't feel right. It didn't feel like I belonged there and everything had changed. My ex is back there now and I'm considering getting in touch.

I have suffered from anxiety quite a bit recently and this would be a really big deal for me. It's about a 5 hour train journey.

It's drinks and dinner rather than a big do. The friends I kept in touch with are both down as going but Neither have mentioned it to me. There's another girl too who blocked me on social media and I never found out why so I'm wondering if it would be awkward.

I feel like I need to decide soon as the recommended hotel is nearly full.

I can just about afford to go, I have an outfit to wear but am I better off letting bygones be bygones? I'm not one for nostalgia.

But, I worry I'm going to regret not going or that I won't be able to cope with it.

Wibu to book it and pull out if I don't feel up to it?

@titchy

You're mid 40's and still hankering after a bloke and a lifestyle from when you were 18 or 19?

This is really unhealthy. I suspect you're going hoping to be transported back to a life you regret not having seen through, but you won't be. You'll be with a couple of passing acquaintances, with everyone talking about their successful careers, big houses and their kids' Oxbridge aspirations.

This

Friends contacted me over Xmas and when they'd seen I was back in the UK after splitting with my husband.

One of them was even talking about coming to stay in the summer because I now live in an area where she likes to go on holiday.

Both of them were asking me if I had any old photos to put on new FB page for the halls we were in.

Neither of them mentioned the reunion and chat just stopped.

- It sounds a bit like trying to get back to that feeling of being young, living in halls, with your whole life ahead of you but really by chasing that feeling you'd be going backwards rather than focusing on the future.

This. It'll probably just make you feel depressed if I'm quite honest.

One of them was even talking about coming to stay in the summer because I now live in an area where she likes to go on holiday.

That's not a friend - that's someone using you for free accommodation

I think it's pretty clear that this isn't really about the reunion, is it? It's just that, for whatever reason, your brief time at university has become symbolic of all the regrets you've ever had. The fact that you're obsessing over a boy you dated in the 1990s is a pretty clear indication that you're fixating on what you think you lost.

You are not going to get a single good thing from this event. You're in touch with two people from your university years. They're not your friends - they're just Facebook acquaintances now. They haven't 'been there' for you during your trauma because they're not close friends and they don't see that as your role in your life. Another woman has blocked you, so clearly there was some discomfort on her part about something.

Seriously, this entire thing is colossally unhealthy. It's been 25 years, and you need to let it go and get on with the rest of your life instead of fixating on a tiny sliver of your past from a quarter of a century ago.

Also don't contact your ex. Just don't.

Hi OP, I'm sorry but you don't come across as being in as good a place as you suggest. Unfortunately, I think you won't be able to stop yourself from going, based on your relies to PP. You seem intent on putting yourself in a miserable position. Try to focus on the here and now, and create another best year of your life. Going backwards will likely set you back. Contacting your ex sounds like a really bad idea - regardless of what "might of" led to different outcomes, that time has well and truly gone. What are your family and local friends saying about your plans?

I have spoken to a few people in RL about it. They're all on the fence which is why I posted on here.

Most of them saying Don't be swayed by the hotel availability on booking. Com and that I really don't have to decide now. And to not make any rash decisions if I don't feel ready.

They know my DH's reunions were always the highlight of his year but that this is different.

And re ex boyfriend, there's more of a backstory with that and most people get the unfinished business bit but say they probably wouldn't pursue it.

Sounds like it could be a bit awkward if you go.

The poll is absolutely neck and neck.

Deep down what do you WANT to do?

1. Go. Maybe have a good time but risk feeling like a spare part. Basically the same as any party. So you might feel bad later. On the other hand you'll know whether you enjoyed it or not, and not look back wondering. Maybe you'll find it easier to lay the past to rest?

1. Don't go. You have good friends at home. You've saved money not going. You've not risked anything. But maybe you'll kick yourself later that you could have gone and something could have happened to turn your life around. (It most probably wouldn't but you might always think, what if?.)

Ignore what anyone else tells you to do because you're the one that has to live with the consequences of being hurt vs what if.

Im gonna go against the grain here - go. So what if you regret going at least you will know. We always regret thing we don't do - not the things we do.

I nearly didn't go to my school reunion and when I went i enjoyed it SO Much more than I expected.

Go with an open mind and heart and have a laugh if i goes wrong.

Deep down I want to go but only if it wasn't so far, so expensive and I could guarantee no awkwardness!

Under normal circumstances I could laugh things off but I'm not strong enough right now.

And the numbers are so small at the moment I couldn't lose myself in a crowd. Only 7 people have signed up for definite.

I wonder if I should message my friends?

I wouldn't go but if you are going to go maybe it's worth contacting your uni friends to ask them about it. If they're off with you, you know it will be uncomfortable/awkward at the reunion but if they're nice then you might have a fun time.

No, don't go. You aren't technically an "alumni" so it would be weird.

And re ex boyfriend, there's more of a backstory with that and most people get the unfinished business bit but say they probably wouldn't pursue it. After 25 years (!) nothing with your ex is "unfinished" - it's dead and buried!

Do you feel fragile OP?

If you think won't be badly affected by going if it all turns out to be a bit miserable or deflating, then I'd probably go. Out of nosiness.

I mean...it does sound like you have some nostalgia that is clouding things.

Perhaps going to the reunion could help you draw a line under it?

But be honest with yourself. If it's going to make you feel depressed, because you are determined to rekindle something that may not be available for rekindling, then you should take care of your wellbeing and not go.

Be truly kind to yourself because this stuff can be rough

I would take this as a wake up call to put that time and the people involved behind you, and focus your energy/money in starting something new and meeting new people now.

The two friends haven’t even mentioned the reunion to you. From your own description they are not really friends. The ex situation sounds like something that it would be very unhealthy to revisit. We can always find reasons, new info, loose ends etc to justify getting back in touch, but would it really be a healthy, positive thing to do for your future?

To me it all sounds such a regressive, backwards looking thing to do. Like you want to recreate the good times, but also the times you were never able to have there? That can’t happen, invest in yourself now… onwards and upwards!

I attended a reunion
I was a bit apprehensive
Great to see some old friends & good to meet some new people
We laughed, sang, danced, ate, drank, joked, explored, celebrated
So glad I made the effort to go !
We are planning more meet ups

So I say, go for it, you will never know where it will lead or who you will meet !

I wouldnt go, i dont think youll get out of it what you want. I also just wouldnt go generally to a reunion and the fact only 7 people are signed up suggests most people feel the same. I would focus on the people in your life now not trying to recreate 25 yrs ago

I wouldn't want to attend in those circumstances, but it sounds as if you want to, so you should.

You are child-free, can just about afford it, have an outfit, and are not put off by the distance.

Contact your old friends and arrange to make your way there with them, or to meet them there.

People are more likely to have regrets about the things they didn't do, so go but prepare for disappointment if things are awkward with your friends and your ex is happily married.

You only went for a year so don't expect anyone expect you to go. Move on from. This. They just people you used to know..the two you know...but life gone on. Concentrate on your friends and job now. X

@Gruach

I honestly cannot think of a single good reason to go.

Attending a reunion for any other reason than because you know you’ll have fun is masochistic.

You’re not in touch with any of your old friends. If they wanted to be in touch they would be.

You want to use it as a means to catch up with an ex from 25 years ago. This is madness.

It’s a ten hour round trip - that you can only just afford. Why would you do this when it is highly unlikely you’ll have fun? It’s money and energy and worry expended to leave you feeling despondent.

You cannot recapture whatever you feel you lost a quarter of a century ago. And you have no good, present reason for going.

Please try to look forward - not back.

All the above.

Attending would be a bad plan. It’s 5 hours train ride away and you can only ‘just about’ afford it.

Your thoughts about your ex don’t seem v healthy. If he lives 5 hours away and/or is still in the forces and could be deployed etc, contacting him seems a bad plan too! Once you’re recovered and want to date there will be more convenient options!

OP, how do you know your ex isn’t married with kids by now?? Chances are that’s exactly what he is. He might not even remember you!

Also the others are not friends, you are “someone they used to know”.
Honestly, I mean this kindly but I think you need to have a good look at your mental health and perhaps look into getting some help. This reunion will cause nothing but disappointment for you. You need to be moving forward, not looking backwards.

Reasons for attending a reunion:

1. Seconds after the alumni email arrived all your old friends pinged you in excitement.

2. You love a party (or this particular party) and are always happy to turn up, with no particular expectations and no painful baggage. You always have fun, so it’s worth the expense, the hangover and the embarrassing SM photos.

3. You are proud of your association with the institution and want to be seen to have attended.

4. You are indifferent to the people who might be there but adore the place and welcome any opportunity to wander those streets again.

5. It is rumoured that your former bully / cheating ex / ghastly tutor fell on hard times and has been night-shifting at the fish-gutting factory for the last twenty years*. Because of them you had a miserable time there - but you are now a billionaire, and have recently made a world shaking donation to said institution.

*Nothing against fish gutting as a chosen occupation. Just making use of an old soap story for poetic effect.

So just to say I haven't contacted anyone yet and thanks for all the responses.

Just to explain something else, re my ex, we stayed in touch for years after I left. At one point I was going to move abroad to be with him. Just as I was about to go I was told he'd been arrested. A group of soldiers had got in trouble for attacking some tourists. It was only fairly recently that they published the names of the soldiers involved and it wasn't him. I googled him and found out he hadn't been in prison and chucked out of the army as I was told but had gone on to have a very successful career and is now a CEO. His social media doesn't show a partner only his children and family. It came to light that I'd been lied to about my ex at around the same time my marriage was breaking down. It's not like my ex was on my mind the entire time.

Also I never particularly liked the city or the institution. I often think even if I graduated I'd be ashamed to say where from but I did have a great time.

Some of you as usual are very quick to suggest help with mental health is advisable. It may be but I'm interested in other people's experiences first. Wondering if anyone has been in my situation and if anything good came of it.