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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

University reunion

77 replies

mrsnec · 29/03/2022 09:28

I've got a few Aibus here.

I went to university 25 years ago. There's a reunion this summer. My first year was the best year of my life but in my second year I split up with my boyfriend (who is still on my mind constantly) and I couldn't find an industrial placement so I dropped out. So I didn't graduate.

I had a few good friends there I loved. I have sporadic contact with 2 of them on social media. I wish we are closer than we are. I've had a big trauma in my life recently. Neither of them have really been there for me.

I did visit my university city since and it didn't feel right. It didn't feel like I belonged there and everything had changed. My ex is back there now and I'm considering getting in touch.

I have suffered from anxiety quite a bit recently and this would be a really big deal for me. It's about a 5 hour train journey.

It's drinks and dinner rather than a big do. The friends I kept in touch with are both down as going but Neither have mentioned it to me. There's another girl too who blocked me on social media and I never found out why so I'm wondering if it would be awkward.

I feel like I need to decide soon as the recommended hotel is nearly full.

I can just about afford to go, I have an outfit to wear but am I better off letting bygones be bygones? I'm not one for nostalgia.

But, I worry I'm going to regret not going or that I won't be able to cope with it.

Wibu to book it and pull out if I don't feel up to it?

OP posts:

SparklingLime · 30/03/2022 08:50

You were about to move abroad to be with him, and when told he’d been arrested, you never spoke to him again?

Original poster

mrsnec · 30/03/2022 08:54

Yes that's exactly what happened. And shortly after that I went abroad to a different country anyway.

At the time I was living with my dad who was very controlling and didn't approve of the relationship.

OP posts:

M0rT · 30/03/2022 08:59

Do you think he would want to see someone who went from planning to move to him to no contact on secondhand information?
If someone dropped me because they thought I was capable of assault and had been arrested I wouldn't exactly hold fond memories.
Reach out on social media if you want, he will probably knock you back and then you can decide about the reunion in isolation.

ZenNudist · 30/03/2022 09:00

Don't go. Sounds awful. You say you "don't really want to hear people bragging about thier kids and their achievements". That is ALL its going to be. It will ruin your self confidence and you don't sound like you have much! Also the lack of enthusiasm from your friends is nail in the coffin. If they were really up for it and insisting you come that'd be different. Find a different way to spend £300, treat yourself. Is a spa day out of the question?

StrawberryStarfish · 30/03/2022 09:01

@mrsnec

Yes that's exactly what happened. And shortly after that I went abroad to a different country anyway.

At the time I was living with my dad who was very controlling and didn't approve of the relationship.

He’s honestly not going to want to know you now. Don’t embarrass yourself, just leave it. It’s in the past.

TopCatsTopHat · 30/03/2022 09:02

Sounds like it could exorcise some ghosts. But it could be a total damp squib and for that reason if you go try to couple it up with an emotional buffer, so a tourist visit to something else nearby, take a friend who can do their own thing then meet up after to dissect and laugh about it with... It would be risky going alone and having that as the sole focus of the trip, in case it is just cringe.

MorrisOxford · 30/03/2022 09:03

I'm just worried I'll regret not going and I don't really know why. I've missed other reunions before (not uni but school and work) and never felt like this

Then go. You might enjoy it, or it might prove be a wasted journey. But if you don't go, you'll never know.
(PS The things I regret in my life are the things I didn't do, rather than the things I did.)

Original poster

mrsnec · 30/03/2022 09:40

Actually that's interesting. I've never seen the story from my ex's point of view. I am definitely going to rethink the idea of contacting him.

University City is in the East Midlands. Nothing remotely touristy that I'd want to combine with a visit but I live in the South West loads of spas round here. A spa day isn't out of the question. But this is the first summer I've spent here and I'm told things get crowded and expensive so I think that's another reason why I was thinking of going to the reunion.

Also my best friend from school went to university In the neighboring city. I could ask her if she wanted to come with me.

OP posts:

JingsMahBucket · 30/03/2022 09:59

@mrsnec I think I would go in your situation. PP sound like a bunch of negative nellies. Remember that MN has a lot of posters who are loners, cut people off at the drop of a hat or have heavy social anxiety. I’d take a lot of advice on this thread with a grain of salt.

TBH, I’d see this as an opportunity to take a trip by yourself and enjoy something you have chosen to do without having to think of others like your kids or soon to be EXH. Sure, ask your other friend along as a back up and make a spa day plan as well. But I’d contact the ex boyfriend and your FB friends. Why not put out feelers for possibilities? Why not just try? I think you may end up being surprised and it may be a nice change from your usual life. :)

Bananarama21 · 30/03/2022 10:26

I went to university about 15 years ago I keep in touch with 2 of my university friends and meet up. I wouldn't bother with a reunion it was good at thr time but people move on especially when people live across the UK.

milkyaqua · 30/03/2022 10:53

You've just separated from your husband, and found out your long-lost ex wasn't a bad egg after all... I think he is the reason you are most tempted to go. Toss a coin!

Loopytiles · 30/03/2022 13:50

You seem to really want to go, but if this is driven by a desire to contact the ex you ghosted who’s now doing well for himself, there’re easier ways to make contact with him! Though wouldn’t get your hopes up given your past choice and his current status!

Toddlerteaplease · 30/03/2022 14:06

If they've said they are going on Facebook, it doesn't mean they actually will go. And you didn't finish the course so I wouldn't bother.

LndnGrl · 30/03/2022 14:07

@mrsnec

I actually did 2 years. One of the other girls who is going did the same course and length of time as me.

Ex didn't go to uni. He was in the army and a local lad and got redeployed at around the time I dropped out. I've been thinking about him recently because I found out something that would have changed the circumstances. Ex is a separate issue I was just thinking if I'm there should I try and catch up with him too? I'm thinking about contacting him on social media but haven't yet.

Also we all stayed in catered halls in the first year. It was like a holiday camp and is now an out of town shopping centre. So people get nostalgic over that. The organisers are the guys that ran the union bar at the catered halls.

Re my friends it's a tough one. I stayed friends with them for years after but we just drifted apart. I lived in the same city as one of them for years after but we never met up. But both of them comment on everything I post yet rarely have actual conversations.

I do feel supported enough now and I am in a good place I'm just worried I'll regret not going and I don't really know why. I've missed other reunions before (not uni but school and work) and never felt like this.

It sounds like all this and these people have had more importance in your life to you, than you had to them, if I'm making sense. Maybe take some steps to try to move on.

Original poster

mrsnec · 30/03/2022 16:59

I never saw it as ghosting my ex. I had a phone call from what I thought was his commanding officer. I had no reason at the time to doubt it's credibility.

Also it's not occurred to me about the reunion that I shouldn't go because I didn't graduate. Like I said there's other people down to go that didn't I don't think I'd feel like a fraud or that I'd feel out of place it's just a question of if it's worth it.

OP posts:

TopCatsTopHat · 30/03/2022 17:02

I wonder if your dad has one of his mates do that call!? 🤔
Shocked you didn't even let your boyfriend know about your decision though even if the information has been true. Poor guy.

Original poster

mrsnec · 30/03/2022 17:10

My dad died before I found out. He was divorced from my mum who thinks she even knows who it was. The guy told me my ex was uncontactable at the time and wouldn't let me speak to him.

When I then moved abroad I got rid of my UK phone. I had some post redirected but some of it got lost. I just always put it down as one of those things and that it just wasn't meant to be.

OP posts:

NeedleNoodle3 · 30/03/2022 17:15

I wouldn’t go as you didn’t graduate.
I’d separate it from if you wanted to contact your ex.
They are two different things.

Loopytiles · 30/03/2022 17:17

Er, you totally ghosted him! How strange though!

BlueSummerBaby · 30/03/2022 17:26

YABU to give any of this any headspace whatsoever.

It's weird you're still not over an ex from 25yrs ago. Getting back in touch would be even weirder, he's not the person you used to know, he'll have aged obviously and probably his personality changed/developed too.

You sound a bit obsessed and living in the past.

What did you expect from visiting the uni town? Of course it's changed, time and life has moved on, you've got older, of course you don't "fit" there any more, you don't go to uni there any more and didn't have a great time when you did, what with a breakup and dropping out, so it's just a random town to visit.

Your two old uni friends are just aquaintences now, people you know on Facebook and occasionally message, they're not really your friends any more. I don't think it's odd at all that they weren't there for you during your recent trauma. They barely know you now.

Doesn't everyone only go to these things to be nosy at how others have done with their lives? It's not to rekindle old friendships really is it? I've never been to a reunion, presuming it to be the former, so maybe I'm wrong. I'd stay home and focus on life in the present, you MH etc. Not go to a place where at least some of the people might be comparing themselves to others and their lives to others. You don't need that kind of thing right now when you're going through a hard time.

Sceptre86 · 30/03/2022 17:27

It is unhealthy to be hankering after the ex for 25 years. However it sounds like you feel you have unfinished business with him so contact him on Facebook, give him your number and see if he contacts you. If he does you can explain your side of the story. You need to be prepared that he might not respond, may even feel that the ship has sailed, he may well have a wife or partner. Also after 25 years he may no longer be the person you knew, people grow, develop, their life experiences mould them and the person you knew may be long gone. Instead of looking to the past , in your shoes I'd be looking forward, so getting some help for your mental health be it medication or therapy and carving a new life for yourself and your kids.

stripeyflowers · 30/03/2022 17:30

No right or wrong but I think in your present frame of mind it's more likely to make you feel worse rather than better. Most people go to reunions to show off how successful and happy they are - even if they're not.

BlueSummerBaby · 30/03/2022 17:45

@mrsnec

Friends contacted me over Xmas and when they'd seen I was back in the UK after splitting with my husband.

One of them was even talking about coming to stay in the summer because I now live in an area where she likes to go on holiday.

Both of them were asking me if I had any old photos to put on new FB page for the halls we were in.

Neither of them mentioned the reunion and chat just stopped.

So they contacted you for gossip about what's happening with you, CF tried to tap you up for a free holiday, wanted photos for their group which they didn't invite you to...and you call them friends?!

Monr0e · 30/03/2022 18:19

OP, are your two old friends very friendly with each other? As in, will they be going to the reunion together? I think it is very telling that neither of them have been I touch to see if you are attending. They don't appear bothered at all if you go or not.
You say there ate only 7 confirmed so far. If these 2 weren't going would you still he considering it?

I think a 5 hour journey and £300 expense is far too much for an evening meal with a couple of lacklustre "friends"

The ex is a completely seperate issue. Regardless of you being given the wrong information 25 years ago, the likelihood is he hasn't given you a second thought in many many years. Did you imagine that if he knew you were in the area he would want to meet up?

Original poster

mrsnec · 30/03/2022 18:35

So the two friends know each other but haven't seen each other for the same time as me.

They also live in completely different parts of the country. J was in the room next to me in halls and shared a house in the 2nd year. She's one of the organisers and the guy that ran the union in our catered Halls was on her course.

K lives in the city where I'd change trains. She was on my course and dropped out when I did.She lived near us on year 2 and was in the same hall as the guy who ran the union who is organising the event.

If J and K hadn't confirmed it wouldn't even be crossing my mind.

The ex thing is just a two birds with one stone type scenario and even then only if I got a positive response from him.

And the other thing is most of this is just about a change of scene and a chance to dress up. I'm not interested in nostalgia really and yeah I've had trauma but I could still big myself up if I wanted to.

OP posts:

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