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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What would you do?

85 replies

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 29/03/2022 08:00

I bought two bichon frise bitches 18 months/2 years ago. I have since learned that this breed is notorious to house train! Both settled in well with us, as a family, but the younger one remained quite anxious, started to develop some fear based aggression when out walking and was still having regular accidents in the house despite my best efforts. I also have to say that I think the older bitch was a bit of a bully, especially around food, but as soon as I realised I separated them at meal times and then for the most part they got on well. So... I get them professionally groomed once a month and I was telling my groomer about my woes with the little one and that I had started to consider rehoming and she said she would have her in a jiffy. I said that as I was only exploring the idea and have 5 year old twins who are most attached to her, we would have to have a weekend trial initially and then a period of reflection to which she agreed. I suggested Saturday to Sunday/Monday but the groomer asked for her on the Friday instead and so I took her to the lady's shop then. The family had a much calmer weekend and the older bitch seemed happier, the twins had a little cry but we're bolstered by the promise it was only a trial and no firm decision had been made. Anyway on Monday morning I texted to ask could we come pick her up and the reply was no I'm keeping her. I was genuinely shocked. She said her young son had become too attached over the weekend, she had settled and we were apparently treating her like a toy. I said the kids would be devastated if she didn't honour the plan especially as they are adopted and find it very hard when the ones they love just disappear out of nowhere. This had no impact on her whatsoever. She said we could meet halfway and they could come and say goodbye with her there. I refused this, I'm not taking my children to some car park to say goodbye to their beloved dog after 18 months with the 'new' somewhat aggressive family standing guard.

After calmly appealing to her and realising she wasn't going to budge, I phoned the police. Two policemen called her and she still refused to give her back. I was then told they could do no more, it's a civil matter and to get her back I will have to go through the courts which could take months and cost thousands. Also, she will have become attached to the new owners and I couldn't put her through the upheaval again.

My dilemma is this. She had no intention of honouring the agreement. She saw her and wanted her at any cost and the impact it will have on my kids is unforgivable. On the other hand, she is a real animal lover (former vetinary nurse, dog rescuer, dog groomer) and the dog will have the best life. I just feel sick at how she has gone about it. What do I do? I could send a solicitor's letter and I'm told I have a very strong case as I have all the evidence but I'm trying hard to think about what's right, it can't be just about winning.

OP posts:
Shiningpath · 29/03/2022 08:06

What would be the point in a letter if you might actually rehome the dog anyway?

araiwa · 29/03/2022 08:09

She's done it in a really shitty way but you both have the result you wanted.

Turningpurple · 29/03/2022 08:09

Well part of me thinks you should pursue legal action and/or name and shame her business on social media.

However, will it do your kids much good to get the dog back only for you to rehome her again?

How on earth is she going to register with a vet when she can't change the chip to her name? Or do you not live somewhere, where dog chips are a thing?

Trixiefirecracker · 29/03/2022 08:10

Do you actually want the dog back?

Peasandcabbage · 29/03/2022 08:11

Are they neutered? Pedigree? Who bred them?

Has money changed hands?

Agree with PPs overall, what do you want to achieve? But yes it all sounds very dodgy. Especially if she runs a business.

AndSoFinally · 29/03/2022 08:14

I'm not sure why the police wouldn't get involved? She's effectively stolen your dog!

Brefugee · 29/03/2022 08:14

It was clear that you couldn't carry on. Write it off and don't use that groomer again.

Sparklingbrook · 29/03/2022 08:14

@Trixiefirecracker

Do you actually want the dog back?
Yes, this.

It sounds as if the trial worked out so I wouldn't see the point of the dog going back and forth while you decide.

Grenlei · 29/03/2022 08:16

I'd name and shame her over social media. Her clients need to know.

I wouldn't be surprised if she has done this before. It's very calculated.

Whinge · 29/03/2022 08:17

@Trixiefirecracker

Do you actually want the dog back?
This /\/\

It sounds like the 2 dogs are much better off in seperate homes. Yes she perhaps hasn't gone about this in the best way but the end result seems to be one you both wanted.

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 29/03/2022 08:23

Thanks guys for replying.

So she is spayed, microchipped and registered to us at our home address. She had her annual vaccinations just two weeks ago and I've notified our vet and the microchip people who have recorded her as missing as she isn't officially stolen. I have told the lady this. I'm guessing this means she can't legally own her? Similarly, if the dog needed medical help I wouldn't want to prevent that.

Do I want her back. My heart does, my head doesn't. Husband feels the same. The kids would definitely want her back. I think the dogs would be happier apart. The whole point of the trial (agreed in text messages) was to think about it properly and explore the options before deciding. I feel like she has been stolen and I'm very upset about that but I want to secure the best long term outcome.

OP posts:
Hillsmakeyoustrong · 29/03/2022 08:25

The dogs aren't pedigree and no money has exchanged hands. I have offered to pay for the weekend's care as we were accused of dumping her on them for a weekend of respite?!

OP posts:
Laptopsandmouses · 29/03/2022 08:28

Isn’t this the best outcome? Yes she’s done it in a bad way, but isn’t it the best outcome?

Gowithme · 29/03/2022 08:29

She's gone about it in an awful way, but to have a trial weekend if you didn't intend to let the dog go even if it was successful was crazy. Both dogs are probably much happier but I wouldn't be taking the other one to her to be groomed any more!

Natty13 · 29/03/2022 08:30

You got 2 puppies without doing your due diligence on ghe breed (and presumably whoever you got them from too) therefore you've put yourself, your children, and 2 dogs through distress.

She has stolen your dog. You could phone the police again and tell them she has stolen your dog and leave out the trial etc. Or you could leave her to it because she sounds like she at least will be a responsible owner.

The ignorance here is honestly astounding. No wonder there are so many threads about bad dog owners. Did you just buy them because they are smal land you like the way they look?

Trixiefirecracker · 29/03/2022 08:31

Honestly, you sound like you don’t even know if you want the dog back and the new lady clearly does want the dog. I think it’s the best outcome. Kids will get over it.

PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 29/03/2022 08:33

At the very least, I'd be leaving a listening review on her business social media that she's stolen your dog.

Which she has.

PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 29/03/2022 08:33

*blistering

Bloody auto correct!

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 29/03/2022 08:35

@Natty13 you have made a lot of wrong assumptions there.

I hope people are kinder to you when you are having a horrible time.

OP posts:
Gowithme · 29/03/2022 08:36

Also 5 year olds tend to move on from things very quickly. I'd tell them she needed some special looking after so she is going to stay with the lady who is a nurse for dogs as she will be able to help her.

Gowithme · 29/03/2022 08:40

I'd avoid getting into a war with her on SM though because she will just say you were an unfit owner and she was doing it for the sake of the dog, and as she works with dogs and has a history there people are probably more likely to listen to her no matter if it's true or not.

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 29/03/2022 08:41

@Gowithme you are right. The trial weekend was a dubious idea and your suggestion of how to tell the twins is very helpful. Thankyou.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 29/03/2022 08:43

Yabu. The dog is happier where she us, it's not a toy to be argued ove r. It was a stupid idea in the first place, your dts were never going to understand it.

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 29/03/2022 08:45

@Gowithme I'm not on social media

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 29/03/2022 08:48

Can you not just turn up at her house and take the dog back? Or follow her to the park or something. She wouldn't be able to do anything about it as it's not her dog