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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What would you do?

85 replies

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 29/03/2022 08:00

I bought two bichon frise bitches 18 months/2 years ago. I have since learned that this breed is notorious to house train! Both settled in well with us, as a family, but the younger one remained quite anxious, started to develop some fear based aggression when out walking and was still having regular accidents in the house despite my best efforts. I also have to say that I think the older bitch was a bit of a bully, especially around food, but as soon as I realised I separated them at meal times and then for the most part they got on well. So... I get them professionally groomed once a month and I was telling my groomer about my woes with the little one and that I had started to consider rehoming and she said she would have her in a jiffy. I said that as I was only exploring the idea and have 5 year old twins who are most attached to her, we would have to have a weekend trial initially and then a period of reflection to which she agreed. I suggested Saturday to Sunday/Monday but the groomer asked for her on the Friday instead and so I took her to the lady's shop then. The family had a much calmer weekend and the older bitch seemed happier, the twins had a little cry but we're bolstered by the promise it was only a trial and no firm decision had been made. Anyway on Monday morning I texted to ask could we come pick her up and the reply was no I'm keeping her. I was genuinely shocked. She said her young son had become too attached over the weekend, she had settled and we were apparently treating her like a toy. I said the kids would be devastated if she didn't honour the plan especially as they are adopted and find it very hard when the ones they love just disappear out of nowhere. This had no impact on her whatsoever. She said we could meet halfway and they could come and say goodbye with her there. I refused this, I'm not taking my children to some car park to say goodbye to their beloved dog after 18 months with the 'new' somewhat aggressive family standing guard.

After calmly appealing to her and realising she wasn't going to budge, I phoned the police. Two policemen called her and she still refused to give her back. I was then told they could do no more, it's a civil matter and to get her back I will have to go through the courts which could take months and cost thousands. Also, she will have become attached to the new owners and I couldn't put her through the upheaval again.

My dilemma is this. She had no intention of honouring the agreement. She saw her and wanted her at any cost and the impact it will have on my kids is unforgivable. On the other hand, she is a real animal lover (former vetinary nurse, dog rescuer, dog groomer) and the dog will have the best life. I just feel sick at how she has gone about it. What do I do? I could send a solicitor's letter and I'm told I have a very strong case as I have all the evidence but I'm trying hard to think about what's right, it can't be just about winning.

OP posts:

5foot5 · 29/03/2022 08:50

Yes she has gone about it in an underhand way but I don't really think you can go anywhere with this. If by some chance you did force her to return the dog it would probably arrive back more unsettled than it went so you would still be looking to rehome it eventually and all in all it would be more upset for dog and children.

I wouldn't try the social media naming and shaming either. It might not go the way you want if she decides to turn the tables and cast aspersions about you as a dog owner.

The two things I would be concerned about:

-What if for any reason in the future she doesn't want the dog anymore, e.g. it doesn't work as she hoped or it gets an expensive illness? She might just dump it back on you and if you are still the legal owner you would presumably have to deal with it.

-Are there any legal implications if you are still the legal owner? If it was involved in an incident or, again expensive medical treatment, could this somehow come back to your door if it is chipped to you?

Original poster

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 29/03/2022 08:53

@RedHelenB how do you know where the dog is happier? She has only been there 4 nights! We took excellent care of her, the vets said she was in excellent health. I have no doubt she will have a good life where she has gone and it's because we don't regard her as a toy but that a trial was agreed. I can see that was illogical now but I will not be accused of treating the dog like a toy.

OP posts:

Aprilx · 29/03/2022 08:53

She is right though, you are treating the dog like a toy. What on earth is this test weekend about, I have never heard anything so ridiculous. How does it help anyone, especially the various children involved.

I have a breed of dog that is notoriously difficult to toilet train. So I put the effort in. You don’t sound like someone who should have pets to be honest.

Wheniruletheworld · 29/03/2022 08:56

So you bought dogs without even researching their temprement, needs and how difficult they are to train...
Then when they weren't behaving like the cute little Hallmark puppies you were expecting, you decided to give one away without even considering how your kids may feel
Now you are in the shit and you are blaming her for impact that the decisions you made will have on your kids.
Wow. Just wow

Turningpurple · 29/03/2022 08:58

So decide wether you want the dog back.

You were seriously planning on rehoming the dog. It on iously wasnr a bad situation.

Honestly, your kids will get over it. You must have thought they would when considering rehoming.

Taking the dog back to later tehome would be cruel to the dog and the kids so be really sure before you spend time and money getting her back.

I have a rescue that's half bichon, I am surprised you didn't know they could be difficult dogs when you get tbh. Though I don't see the point in berating your for it

TheMoreYouKnow · 29/03/2022 08:58

You should've met up with her to say goodbye taken your dh with you and taken the dog back with you. Or knock on her door stay until she gives back the dog call the police whilst there.

Theunamedcat · 29/03/2022 09:00

Test weekend is obviously to see if it did make a difference because why would you rehome a dog permanently then find out the issues weren't even related

Moving forward I would suggest you try to engage her in adult discussion because how is she going to get vet treatment etc with the chip registered as missing

She has treated you poorly and I would tell her that

Original poster

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 29/03/2022 09:01

@DrManhattan I wouldn't want a public confrontation and to go the house would put us in danger of breaking the law as they would not engage calmly with us. That could be upsetting for the dog. @5foot5 you raise really good points i hadn't thought of

OP posts:

AlternativePerspective · 29/03/2022 09:01

So, you just calmly handed your dog over to some woman in the groomers saying you weren’t sure you wanted her any more and are annoyed that she essentially accused you of treating it like a toy and has refused to give it back?

While I don’t necessarily agree she has gone about it in the right way, the truth is that you clearly regarded your dog as disposable to be given to whom so ever should happen to offer to take her off your hands.

If you actually cared about this dog you would have rehomed it responsibly not just given it to some random person you barely know.

girlmom21 · 29/03/2022 09:02

She's done you a favour, just in a shitty way.

Leave the dog with her and find a new groomer.

Transfer ownership in case any medical conditions arise.

PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 29/03/2022 09:03

I disagree that its OK to leave dog with her btw. OK she works with dogs and a history of working with animals but this doesn't mean she is a suitable owner at all (believe me!)

A trial weekend was a nice idea but unusual and obviously with hindsight a poor decision. It wouldn't just be about whether they liked the dog and you were happy not having it around but whether you also felt they were suitable for the dog, which is your responsibility as owner.

Personally I would push this with police as dog theft, retrieve your dog and if you still think rehoming is what is best then do it the established way and perform proper checks on potential new homes.

If they are suggesting a good bye with the dog, then I would go and request a police officer to attend so you can get your dog back at the same time.

I wouldn't trust this person with any animal tbh.

StrongTea · 29/03/2022 09:05

How do you know she is really going to keep the dog and look after it? Not sell it on or something. Be better to get the dog back and rehome through breed rescue or reputable rescue.

Original poster

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 29/03/2022 09:06

The test weekend was naive. I honestly thought it would help both sides make an important decision in the best interests of the dog. I had no idea she would not honour the agreement. I had been taking the dogs for their monthly groom and she had always been the epitome of professionalism and kindness. I liked her and she is excellent with animals.

OP posts:

Whinge · 29/03/2022 09:10

@Hillsmakeyoustrong

But the outcome from the trail was what you wanted. You agree the dogs will be happier apart, and that you and your husband both think rehoming is the right decision.

Yes she's wrong in the way she has acted, but is there any point in her returning the dog, only for you to rehome it again in the next few weeks / months?

Original poster

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 29/03/2022 09:11

She was a vetinary nurse, she is a trainer in grooming, a professional groomer with a well established local business with a shop front, a pet nutritionist, she recently spoke at crufts. I have known her for months. The list is endless. I would never hand over my dog to someone who I hasn't thoroughly checked out first.

OP posts:

Beautiful3 · 29/03/2022 09:15

Honestly, the dogs are better off apart. You say you want to rehome her, this lady is the best person to care for her. Leave them be. The alternative being, you pay thousands to get it back, only to remove it eventually.

Original poster

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 29/03/2022 09:26

Agree with those saying leave her be. I am confident she will be well cared for as I do know the lady and her track record. I've learned a few lessons to be sure. Thanks to those who have challenged me constructively, lots of gems amongst the rubble. Ttfn

OP posts:

EarringsandLipstick · 29/03/2022 09:28

These answers are nuts!

The woman has stolen her dog. It doesn't matter whether the dog may be better off there or not, OP didn't agree to this.

It's ludicrous that people are backing up this woman's unilateral decision to take someone else's dog. That's not actually acceptable societal norms.

I would go back to the police. Surely it can't only be a civil matter? It's theft, which you have evidence of.

The matter of re-homing the dog is a separate one. To be dealt with by OP when she gets her dog back.

EarringsandLipstick · 29/03/2022 09:30

@Hillsmakeyoustrong

Your poor kids.

You told them dog was going for a few days. Woman has kept dog. And you're going to leave it? How do you explain that to your kids?

You say you are confident the dog will be looked after, but how do you know? You haven't seen her house, there's no evidence.

Surely if you were definitely rehoming, you'd do more due diligence than this.

girlmom21 · 29/03/2022 09:37

You told them dog was going for a few days. Woman has kept dog. And you're going to leave it? How do you explain that to your kids?

It looks better on the OP from her kids perspective if the dog was 'stolen' rather than given away.

Look at it from this way, the dog is now with somebody trained and very experienced in caring for animals. OP got 2 dogs that she didn't understand fully - she didn't know what training they required, etc.
The dog was unhappy.

It could be much worse.

PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 29/03/2022 09:37

@EarringsandLipstick

These answers are nuts!

The woman has stolen her dog. It doesn't matter whether the dog may be better off there or not, OP didn't agree to this.

It's ludicrous that people are backing up this woman's unilateral decision to take someone else's dog. That's not actually acceptable societal norms.

I would go back to the police. Surely it can't only be a civil matter? It's theft, which you have evidence of.

The matter of re-homing the dog is a separate one. To be dealt with by OP when she gets her dog back.

I agree completely.

This woman's behaviour also raises concerns about her fitness to look after the dog.

Her profession is no guarantee of responsible ownership, either. While many vets and vet nurses are lovely, I've known enough to know that not all of them should be allowed near animals!

Op, I actually think the only irresponsible thing you're doing is to leave your dog with her unchallenged.

FetchezLaVache · 29/03/2022 09:40

It really does sound as though you went into dog ownership incredibly naively and the groomer was probably incensed to hear you talking blithely about rehoming the little one because you were, very clearly, out of your depth. Doesn't excuse the way she went about it, though!

The way I see it, you either let her keep the dog, in which case you must get written documentation of change of ownership, transfer the chips to her etc (so she can't dump her back on you if she becomes ill down the line), or get the dog back. Either way, I think you are going to need a lawyer.

EarringsandLipstick · 29/03/2022 09:45

@FetchezLaVache

This is a good post.

Brefugee · 29/03/2022 09:54

Everything in writing, like a car, about change of ownership is a good idea.

Do I want her back. My heart does, my head doesn't.

A pet is supposed to enhance your life. Be honest with yourself. Who is cleaning up the mess? how wearing is it to have the dogs having to be separated for meals etc? It doesn't sound as though it has been successful having the two, and while the test seems to have gone astray, i think it is a better outcome for your family that the dog has gone to another home.

Yes, your kids will be sad for a bit. That is life. They shouldn't be getting the message that animals are disposable so you will need to reinforce that it is the best thing for the dog, and even though you are sad not to have her in your lives any more, the needs of the dog come first here.

But definitely get everything in writing, and de-register the microchip and make sure your regular vet knows about it.

Maggit · 29/03/2022 10:04

I'm afraid that the whole thing has been incredibly ill-thought out. I can't imagine the trauma for your children. Dogs don't get on? Give one away! I think it's really hurtful for them.
Also, the weekend trial thing would have been very very difficult for them whatever the outcome- the threat of having someone they love perhaps being taken away. That dread will have hurt them.
I think you have to acknowledge that you messed up and really concentrate on making your kids feel secure again. Be careful not to go on about the nasty woman who stole your dog, because your children will worry endlessly about the dog if they think she's with some horrible monster.

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