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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I in the wrong?

117 replies

CouldOfHadClass · 28/03/2022 20:26

NC, keep it brief just wanted to know if you thought a child was taking pictures/videos of you’re child, would you demand them to go through all of their photos/videos in front of you to prove your child was not in any of them?
YABU- it’s not fine, the parent should of been informed/given permission to go through child’s phone
YANBU- ofcourse it’s fine, my child’s safety is priority

OP posts:
Starlight86 · 29/03/2022 11:47

If it was the father/male going through OPs daughters phone I guarantee you would all be up in arms about it.

Whether or not OPs child was taking photos/videos is irrelevant.

She is a teacher, drunk in the street, going through a child's phone.

Unacceptable behavior

ChoiceMummy · 29/03/2022 11:55

@CouldOfHadClass
I may then have read the other comment incorrectly!
Apologies.
Re However, she is not within her rights to go through my daughters phone and access her pictures and videos, without my permission. Technically if the other person said show me your phone etc and your daughter passed this over, then she consented. Technology is a grey area, the phone is hers. You've given it to her to use as she wishes (within your set boundaries). So really, this is no different to if the other parent had asked to see what she had hypothetically written in a notepad if she'd shared this with her.

I really do not see the gain in "reporting" her. What benefit is this? Though it will probably ostracise your child though from the other children and parents who will steer clear I'd imagine....

Brefugee · 29/03/2022 12:42

Technically if the other person said show me your phone etc and your daughter passed this over, then she consented.

to an older woman that she knows as a teacher? that isn't free consent in the same way that drunk women or children can't consent to sex.

It is an absolute liberty to expect a child to hand you their phone and this woman really needs to learn that.

Original poster
CouldOfHadClass · 29/03/2022 12:52

[quote ChoiceMummy]@CouldOfHadClass
I may then have read the other comment incorrectly!
Apologies.
Re However, she is not within her rights to go through my daughters phone and access her pictures and videos, without my permission. Technically if the other person said show me your phone etc and your daughter passed this over, then she consented. Technology is a grey area, the phone is hers. You've given it to her to use as she wishes (within your set boundaries). So really, this is no different to if the other parent had asked to see what she had hypothetically written in a notepad if she'd shared this with her.

I really do not see the gain in "reporting" her. What benefit is this? Though it will probably ostracise your child though from the other children and parents who will steer clear I'd imagine....[/quote]
She was scared, when an intoxicated adult sais 'give me your phone so i can look through it' a defensless child is hardly going to say no. Also doesnt explain why she needed to stand there and watch full 2/3 minute clips of my daughter singing and dancing that was taken over a month ago. My daughter has been humiliated, thats why im angry. Reporting her may make her think twice in future, to pipe the fuck down and do the appropriate thing which is to go through the parent of the child

OP posts:
Original poster
CouldOfHadClass · 29/03/2022 12:53

Im sorry, im seething even more that this woman in her drunk state last night, has messaged MY family members, trying to turn them on me. She is twice my age, who does she think she is?

OP posts:
Brefugee · 29/03/2022 13:02

that's harassment. Tell her you'll be letting the police know.

ChoiceMummy · 29/03/2022 14:06

@CouldOfHadClass

Im sorry, im seething even more that this woman in her drunk state last night, has messaged MY family members, trying to turn them on me. She is twice my age, who does she think she is?
Let's be fair that you dripfed the drunk allegation into the thread hour and half later. Makes me wonder if that was for impact and to try to justify your response tbh.

At the end of the day, you should have been safeguarding your child if now so concerned and that means you supervising her appropriately.

Going on about the other parent's age is totally irrelevant and makes you come across very poorly imo!

And unless the teacher was your child's teacher her profession is absolutely irrelevant. She was not acting as a teacher nor on behalf of the school and you reporting her is purely shit stirring.

As I said, if so concerned for your daughter, then supervise her better and show her how to be a responsible person with a mobile so that others are not goaded by her conduct which they perceive as threatening. Quite understandably in today's world!

Original poster
CouldOfHadClass · 29/03/2022 14:24

@ChoiceMummy again not letting quoteEnvy
I know I drip fed, not intentionally but I’m angry and it all spirals around my head and I forget parts. It’s not an allegation eitherConfused
Supervising my child appropriately? Stop making out my child is in the wrong in this scenario, she should be allowed to play out on her street without an adult doing what she’s done!! Her age is very relevant, she’s being more immature then me trying to drag family members to ‘choose’ and get me ‘into trouble’, unlucky for her my family are extremely close and will always have eachothers backs.
Unfortunately given the immaturity of this women, she is going to escalate this and cause as much grief for me now as possible, already trying to divide the village. Whereas I have been to hers, told her what I did and left it at that!

OP posts:
dexterslockedintheshedagain · 29/03/2022 14:25

@CouldOfHadClass

Im sorry, im seething even more that this woman in her drunk state last night, has messaged MY family members, trying to turn them on me. She is twice my age, who does she think she is?
WTAF??!!!
dexterslockedintheshedagain · 29/03/2022 14:28

Supervise her better?!! Are you serious?!!!

worriedatthistime · 29/03/2022 14:30

She had no right to touch your daughters phone and she should of come to you , she should know more about safeguarding than most
She way overstepped the line here and I would make it clear to her that you will not tolerate this and she is legally in the wrong here

Original poster
CouldOfHadClass · 29/03/2022 14:32

@dexterslockedintheshedagain

Supervise her better?!! Are you serious?!!!
Victim blaming at its finest Hmm
OP posts:
Imaysnapandfart · 29/03/2022 14:38

So just to be clear, she asked to see your DD's phone, without you being there, and looked through the photos without permission?

YANBU.

And all of you blaming the DD - are you actually serious? She didn't do anything wrong, she's been embarrassed, she's only 11 years old fgs, not some manipulative teenager that some of you are making her out to be!

I would try and address it in person and calmly OP, not while emotions are high.

xILikeJamx · 29/03/2022 14:40

If she'd done that to my kids she'd have a sore mouth to go along with her hangover

tootiredtospeak · 29/03/2022 14:40

Each circumstance is different depending on child ages and what happened. I once went nuts at someone's child. He was about 13 and I had visited a pet shop with my ASD child at the time who used to love watching the rabbits. This child was stood across from us giggling and his phone was up and it looked like he was taking pictures or videos of my son presumably to post of show his mates of the ASD kid looking a goon in the pet shop. I went up to him asked him if he was taking pictures he said no. I gave him a telling off and said if I found out he had taken any without our permission a police man would be knocking on his parents door. Maybe I was right maybe I was wrong and paranoid who knows.

Imaysnapandfart · 29/03/2022 14:45

@tootiredtospeak

Each circumstance is different depending on child ages and what happened. I once went nuts at someone's child. He was about 13 and I had visited a pet shop with my ASD child at the time who used to love watching the rabbits. This child was stood across from us giggling and his phone was up and it looked like he was taking pictures or videos of my son presumably to post of show his mates of the ASD kid looking a goon in the pet shop. I went up to him asked him if he was taking pictures he said no. I gave him a telling off and said if I found out he had taken any without our permission a police man would be knocking on his parents door. Maybe I was right maybe I was wrong and paranoid who knows.
That's awful for you and your child. Unfortunately a lot of children these days are given phones but not taught the right and wrong way to use them, with no consequences. My DC have had it drilled into them that if they use it in the wrong way (unsuitable videos, taking pics / videos without permission etc) they get it taken away, period.
Imaysnapandfart · 29/03/2022 14:46

That's not justifying the 13 year old's behaviour btw, just saying that a lot of children are given these devices but not aware of the rules / etiquette attached to their usage.

Crunchymum · 29/03/2022 14:53

@CouldOfHadClass

Im sorry, im seething even more that this woman in her drunk state last night, has messaged MY family members, trying to turn them on me. She is twice my age, who does she think she is?
What now?

Can you elaborate?

Lockedoorsopen · 29/03/2022 14:58

I would be fuming at this

Brefugee · 29/03/2022 14:59

I went up to him asked him if he was taking pictures he said no. I gave him a telling off and said if I found out he had taken any without our permission a police man would be knocking on his parents door. Maybe I was right maybe I was wrong and paranoid who knows.

but you didn't, in a quasi-authoratitive way, demand that he showed you all the photos/videos on his phone. That is the difference.

tootiredtospeak · 29/03/2022 15:16

I probably would have if I thought he would comply but I knew I had no chance. I suppose my point is the parent was probably wrong to demand to look through the childs phone but a 9yr old shouldn't really have free rein to take a phone in a situation where their parents arent present to police this sort of situation. I dont think anyway. In the OPs situation I would have stood up for my child as I agree that parent could have approached the OP as they know each other but I wouldn't have gone in funds blazing as I dont think it's good parenting to let a child of this age have a phone away from parental control. Mistakes on both sides.

Fernandina · 29/03/2022 15:22

I'd be writing to the chair of governors at the school she teaches at, and telling them exactly what happened, and that she used her authority as a teacher to demand that your child did as she was told.

Original poster
CouldOfHadClass · 29/03/2022 15:51

She has sent messages to my step mum- they have been friends a long time, stating how awful and in the wrong i am. I actually said sorry to my step mum for being dragged into this, totally unfair to put her in that position and something i would never do

OP posts:
Original poster
CouldOfHadClass · 29/03/2022 15:56

Sorry the message above was replying to @Crunchymum

OP posts:
dexterslockedintheshedagain · 29/03/2022 16:54

@CouldOfHadClass

She has sent messages to my step mum- they have been friends a long time, stating how awful and in the wrong i am. I actually said sorry to my step mum for being dragged into this, totally unfair to put her in that position and something i would never do
This, to me, shows she knows she was wrong. Despicable woman.