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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I in the wrong?

117 replies

CouldOfHadClass · 28/03/2022 20:26

NC, keep it brief just wanted to know if you thought a child was taking pictures/videos of you’re child, would you demand them to go through all of their photos/videos in front of you to prove your child was not in any of them?
YABU- it’s not fine, the parent should of been informed/given permission to go through child’s phone
YANBU- ofcourse it’s fine, my child’s safety is priority

OP posts:
Turningpurple · 29/03/2022 08:23

@CouldOfHadClass

To the people saying my daughter was gaslighting/bullying, you are completely incorrect. I made sure to ask as my reaction totally depended on what really happened, DD was not being mean in any way, she didn’t even take any photos or videos like I said, which neighbor-teacher confirmed- because she had already looked through everything without my consent!
I think people are suggesting she was pretending to and winding the other kids up.

Though it still doesn't justify the other mothers behaviour, it make explain some of it.

Original poster
CouldOfHadClass · 29/03/2022 08:33

I’m not ‘that parent’ in any way, I asked neighbor if DD was teasing/pretending to take photos and that’s why her DD was upset, she said no. Regardless of that though, if the tables were turned I would be going through the parent, not demanding a child to show me their videos and pictures (which even this morning has really upset/embarrassed DD as she watched videos she’d taken singing/dancing in her room), it is relevant she’s a teacher because like I say she thinks she has this authority that she can pick on/punish our children without 1- going through the parent and 2- have no repercussions ever for it!

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 29/03/2022 08:36

I think I would report it to her school tbh. It's an abuse of power for her to be bullying children in this way. If you're feeling generous, I may consider warning her that if there is any repeat of the behaviour that it will be reported to the school, but she does need to apologise either way.

TheMoreYouKnow · 29/03/2022 08:53

I'd only be concerned if perhaps there was a video that would be put online. I don't agree with dcs photos etc being put online anyway but I know lots of people love doing that.

Brefugee · 29/03/2022 08:55

It’s a lesson for your 11 year old that anything she posts on her phone is visible to other people.

but she hadn't filmed and hadn't posted. This other adult has seen private videos that they had no right to see.

Next time: DD should say "no, we'll go and visit my parents" and that is it.

Cao77 · 29/03/2022 09:03

I think I'd be tempted to post a letter through her door reiterating your conversation and that you will not tolerate ANYONE going through your daughter's phone. I would also point out that if she even dares to pull a stunt like that again that I would be reporting her to the Safeguarding lead at the school she works for... Might just make her stop and think.

Original poster
CouldOfHadClass · 29/03/2022 09:26

@Cao77

I think I'd be tempted to post a letter through her door reiterating your conversation and that you will not tolerate ANYONE going through your daughter's phone. I would also point out that if she even dares to pull a stunt like that again that I would be reporting her to the Safeguarding lead at the school she works for... Might just make her stop and think.
I think I’m going to do this, I’m actually quite angry about it, I atleast expected her to sober up this morning and knock on to apologize, or atleast a messageAngry
OP posts:
Gowithme · 29/03/2022 09:27

In a public place anyone can take a picture of anything. The mother had no right to demand to see your child's phone even if she had taken pictures of the friend.

If your daughter was being mean ie pretending to take awful pictures to put up on SM or something then the mother should speak to you about it. I don't think you can just assume this wasn't happening though just because your dd said not! Why would the other child have got so upset if nothing of the sort happened? Can your dd explain it because otherwise it doesn't really add up.

Original poster
CouldOfHadClass · 29/03/2022 09:40

@Gowithme

In a public place anyone can take a picture of anything. The mother had no right to demand to see your child's phone even if she had taken pictures of the friend.

If your daughter was being mean ie pretending to take awful pictures to put up on SM or something then the mother should speak to you about it. I don't think you can just assume this wasn't happening though just because your dd said not! Why would the other child have got so upset if nothing of the sort happened? Can your dd explain it because otherwise it doesn't really add up.

No I asked the other DDs mother what actually happened, she said her DD and another friend had saw my DDs phone light on, and presumed she was taking pictures of them, so went home to tell her. I asked if my DD was teasing/being mean, she said no. And without being ‘that’ parent, even if my daughter WAS doing them things, she walks a few doors down, knocks on and tells me/asks me to check DDs phone, not demand and embarrass my child like that! There is history here, in the summer, when she’s got her swimming pool out, her drinking circles children are all allowed in, but not the others. We don’t live like that, if 1 parent gets a new trampolines, or swimming pool etc all of the village kids get a turn, no one gets left out!
OP posts:
dexterslockedintheshedagain · 29/03/2022 09:50

I atleast expected her to sober up this morning and knock on

Hang on - she was drunk when she did this????!!!!

Original poster
CouldOfHadClass · 29/03/2022 09:54

@dexterslockedintheshedagain

I atleast expected her to sober up this morning and knock on

Hang on - she was drunk when she did this????!!!!

Yes, these problems only ever seem to arise when she’s got a drink in herHmm
OP posts:
Starlight86 · 29/03/2022 09:57

I would be reporting her to the school.

Purely for the fact she was rude as fuck to you and her reaction when you spoke to her about it.
Had she apologized to you and realized her mistake then i wouldn't go to the school but in this case i 100% would.

incognitoforthisone · 29/03/2022 09:57

Yes, these problems only ever seem to arise when she’s got a drink in her

And this woman is a teacher? Bloody hell.

She had absolutely zero right to go through your daughter's phone. Zero.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 29/03/2022 09:59

Then I'd definitely report her to the school! She accosted a child whilst inebriated-safeguarding concerns a plenty!!
You are damn right to be furious. How dare she bully your child -any child - in that way! 😡

EthelTheAardvark · 29/03/2022 10:00

@GrazingSheep

It’s a lesson for your 11 year old that anything she posts on her phone is visible to other people.
No, it's a lesson that an adult has abused her power.
fruitbrewhaha · 29/03/2022 10:01

Report her to her school. Problem is, you will have to live near her afterwards.

sweetbellyhigh · 29/03/2022 10:07

A teacher with a god complex, how unusual 🤔

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 29/03/2022 10:14

Does she have the phone for contacting you?
I'd be tempted to get a separate dumb phone for playing out if so.
And tell your DD to just walk away if this parent approaches her and not play in her garden.

ChoiceMummy · 29/03/2022 10:21

@CouldOfHadClass

I’m not ‘that parent’ in any way, I asked neighbor if DD was teasing/pretending to take photos and that’s why her DD was upset, she said no. Regardless of that though, if the tables were turned I would be going through the parent, not demanding a child to show me their videos and pictures (which even this morning has really upset/embarrassed DD as she watched videos she’d taken singing/dancing in her room), it is relevant she’s a teacher because like I say she thinks she has this authority that she can pick on/punish our children without 1- going through the parent and 2- have no repercussions ever for it!
No. Her being a teacher is irrelevant.

She quite rightly was safeguarding her child as a reasonable and responsible parent would!

Why should there be repercussions for her safeguarding her child? She didn't say as your teacher show me the video did she? In this instance there wasn't anything, what about other instances where there are?

I'm afraid that I don't believe for a minute that your daughter was innocent in all of this and not goading the other child.

ChoiceMummy · 29/03/2022 10:23

The drink is a red herring.

This incident was apparently last summer with the op bring entitled and her child able to use anyone's equipment she likes!

SofiaAmes · 29/03/2022 10:27

Might also be worth a conversation with your DD about not necessarily always following what an adult tells her to do. If she feels that something is not appropriate and/or she's not comfortable doing it, then she should ask the adult to contact you. I had a similar situation with my DD around that age and a boy accusing her a bullying him on social media. Even though this young man had known behavioral issues (and had already been reported for sexually harassing my DD by text) and my DD had no history of any misbehaviors, they tried to get her to show them her social media and spoke to other children about it. As it happens, at that age, I was logged into DD's Instagram account as DD, so knew every single thing that she posted. I had a strong word with the school about invading her privacy, and discussing her private matters with other children and how a call to me would have been much more appropriate. I pulled my DD out of that school shortly thereafter.

Original poster
CouldOfHadClass · 29/03/2022 10:30

@ChoiceMummy

The drink is a red herring.

This incident was apparently last summer with the op bring entitled and her child able to use anyone's equipment she likes!

It’s not letting me quote your post before this one, and you are right she is completely within her rights to safeguard her child. However, she is not within her rights to go through my daughters phone and access her pictures and videos, without my permission. Even approaching my child in this situation was wrong, she should of come to me. And I don’t know if you’ve read the other comment wrong, her child does use everyone’s equipment I could never ever let a few kids into my garden and leave her child at the gate and tell her ‘no you’re not allowed’, this is what she does.
OP posts:
maddening · 29/03/2022 10:37

The adult should have come to you, it was inappropriate for her to go and demand to invade a child's privacy without the consent of her parents. The child was not in a position where they felt they could deny consent.

Brefugee · 29/03/2022 10:39

She quite rightly was safeguarding her child as a reasonable and responsible parent would!

bollocks it is. Your children are under zero obligation to show anyone what is on their phone. At the most this woman should have gone to OP, told her what happened, and asked her to check that no photos had been taken. Children need to be taught that they don't have to do what adults tell them to in all circumstances, that is dangerous.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 29/03/2022 11:45

She quite rightly was safeguarding her child as a reasonable and responsible parent would!

There's nothing at all wrong with safeguarding your child. Just a wrong way to go about it, and this was the wrong way.