Am on a long holiday with a friend and really struggling with her behaviour and finding myself just closing down around her and not really wanting to engage much. Could do with some perspective as I know it could be spending so much time together amplifying things. Also, she has an injury which is stressing her out so I’ve been trying to let a lot of stuff go and telling myself it’s not really her, but still.
- The main one is the way she speaks to service people. She needs to know absolutely everything about everything so takes up lots of their time even when they’re busy and stressed, she must have everything exactly her way or she complains; she gives of an aggressive and rude energy a lot of the time and then when they are rude back is flabbergasted and says how they’re really macho in this country / toxic masculinity etc. to be honest, I’ve felt embarrassed quite a lot. She sent back her cocktail for not tasting of lemon enough and refused to pay on a tiny island where they survive on tourism. She’s complained to the airline about their app. She complained about a salad for not having enough leaves. You get the picture. The other day, she was panicking so much in a shop as she thought she’d lost her phone that someone told her to relax. She seems to have zero ability to regulate her emotions and just spews them onto everyone else. I have had to remove myself from her quite a lot in order to not react in a way I don’t like and also just to relax. One of her main topics of conversation is the standard of service where we are eating or staying. Nothing ever feels good enough.
- Constantly wants to upgrade everything and change plans to something even better. Anything I’ve planned, she criticises and wants to change. I’ve put my foot down a couple of times and said she can go elsewhere if she likes but I don’t want to spend any more time on admin or money and am happy with my choice. Other times I’ve let her plan our days as if I get stuck in I get a million questions that I have to ask the provider - ie can you send a picture of the car we will have, what’s the exact route etc. She refuses to get any buses or shuttles, everything must be private taxis - something I didn’t budget for but have been happy to go along with because of her injury etc. But both this and her insistence on separate hotel rooms (despite initially agreeing we’d share roughly half of the time) have made this holiday ridiculously expensive, much more than I had anticipated. At the same time, I can tell she’s resentful about having spent more time on admin than me, as she makes subtle digs about how so much time on her phone is making the injury worse. Often I don’t even know she’s doing it tho until she reports what she’s done. She must research all potential options, write them down and have a discussion whereas I’m happy to just go with the flow a bit more (and I would say I’m pretty type A compared to most people!)
- her injury dominates most of our conversations - I understand she’s in pain, so will happily listen and ask questions etc, but the result is there seems little conversational space for me and I find it hard to get her to lighten up. I’ve suggested if she’s in so much pain perhaps she should just rest in one place and not go travelling with me to different areas and going on hikes etc but she keeps coming along, and then being moany and snappy
- despite her emphasis on organisation she is frequently late at important points - ie making me wait for her to get a taxi for a flight, being half an hour late for check out with hotel etc and risking extra charges. I’ve not said anything and just been chilled. Then, if I’m scatty (I definitely can be) she gets super shirtt about it even tho it’s not affecting her (ie I thought I lost my passport then found it later on. I didn’t panic as it wasn’t the end of the world but she seemed really annoyed)
- she mentioned I’d been quiet on this holiday yesterday and I was honest and said that I’d been trying to keep calm in order to calm her down, and that I found the way she spoke to me and also waiters etc difficult to be around but that I had not said anything as I hadn’t found the right moment - she had always seemed like she was just on the edge and I couldn’t handle any more aggression. She said she knew she did this but that I should take up more space and communicate more, and tell her when she’s being like that. I said I didn’t think it was my job to police her behaviour and just wanted to chill and enjoy my holiday to be honest, and my way is more introverted than hers. She said I’d been ‘cold’ and not sympathetic enough about her injury and that I had just closed down and that it was ‘odd’, and that I obviously didn’t have the emotional capacity to handle her being unwell. I think this is very unfair - it’s taken a lot of energy to just be around her and I’ve actively been very engaged in talking about her injury, offering solitions, agreeing it’s shit, letting things go etc. I am not however going to have massive amounts of sympathy for someone who acts in this way as I find it selfish. Also, I’ve been a carer for sick people before and have endless empathy usually. I have just found it hard to find any more for her. She also said I’d disengaged from the first day of the holiday when actually, I’d invited her to come with me on a big walk to get our bearings and to explore the city, she said she’d come later, and then backed out because of jet lag. I think she has felt rejected when we haven’t done things together; but she is often the one backing out. For instance the other night we were out for what could have been our one and only proper night in a month - we were just gearing up and getting in the mood when she stubs her toe, she says she feels faint and goes home, leaving me out alone.
She also said I’d assassinated her character and that mentioning her behaviour to waiters was unfair as it’s nothing to do with me.
I feel hurt she said I was cold and she’d found my behaviour odd. Also like she’s a massively entitled selfish brat and like I don’t really want to spend any more time with her. AIBU?
YABU - she’s fine, you’re being sensitive
YANBU - she’s spoilt, you’d feel annoyed too