To think friend is spoilt and selfish

[SammyseesawNotts]

Am on a long holiday with a friend and really struggling with her behaviour and finding myself just closing down around her and not really wanting to engage much. Could do with some perspective as I know it could be spending so much time together amplifying things. Also, she has an injury which is stressing her out so I’ve been trying to let a lot of stuff go and telling myself it’s not really her, but still.

• The main one is the way she speaks to service people. She needs to know absolutely everything about everything so takes up lots of their time even when they’re busy and stressed, she must have everything exactly her way or she complains; she gives of an aggressive and rude energy a lot of the time and then when they are rude back is flabbergasted and says how they’re really macho in this country / toxic masculinity etc. to be honest, I’ve felt embarrassed quite a lot. She sent back her cocktail for not tasting of lemon enough and refused to pay on a tiny island where they survive on tourism. She’s complained to the airline about their app. She complained about a salad for not having enough leaves. You get the picture. The other day, she was panicking so much in a shop as she thought she’d lost her phone that someone told her to relax. She seems to have zero ability to regulate her emotions and just spews them onto everyone else. I have had to remove myself from her quite a lot in order to not react in a way I don’t like and also just to relax. One of her main topics of conversation is the standard of service where we are eating or staying. Nothing ever feels good enough.

• Constantly wants to upgrade everything and change plans to something even better. Anything I’ve planned, she criticises and wants to change. I’ve put my foot down a couple of times and said she can go elsewhere if she likes but I don’t want to spend any more time on admin or money and am happy with my choice. Other times I’ve let her plan our days as if I get stuck in I get a million questions that I have to ask the provider - ie can you send a picture of the car we will have, what’s the exact route etc. She refuses to get any buses or shuttles, everything must be private taxis - something I didn’t budget for but have been happy to go along with because of her injury etc. But both this and her insistence on separate hotel rooms (despite initially agreeing we’d share roughly half of the time) have made this holiday ridiculously expensive, much more than I had anticipated. At the same time, I can tell she’s resentful about having spent more time on admin than me, as she makes subtle digs about how so much time on her phone is making the injury worse. Often I don’t even know she’s doing it tho until she reports what she’s done. She must research all potential options, write them down and have a discussion whereas I’m happy to just go with the flow a bit more (and I would say I’m pretty type A compared to most people!)

• her injury dominates most of our conversations - I understand she’s in pain, so will happily listen and ask questions etc, but the result is there seems little conversational space for me and I find it hard to get her to lighten up. I’ve suggested if she’s in so much pain perhaps she should just rest in one place and not go travelling with me to different areas and going on hikes etc but she keeps coming along, and then being moany and snappy

• despite her emphasis on organisation she is frequently late at important points - ie making me wait for her to get a taxi for a flight, being half an hour late for check out with hotel etc and risking extra charges. I’ve not said anything and just been chilled. Then, if I’m scatty (I definitely can be) she gets super shirtt about it even tho it’s not affecting her (ie I thought I lost my passport then found it later on. I didn’t panic as it wasn’t the end of the world but she seemed really annoyed)

• she mentioned I’d been quiet on this holiday yesterday and I was honest and said that I’d been trying to keep calm in order to calm her down, and that I found the way she spoke to me and also waiters etc difficult to be around but that I had not said anything as I hadn’t found the right moment - she had always seemed like she was just on the edge and I couldn’t handle any more aggression. She said she knew she did this but that I should take up more space and communicate more, and tell her when she’s being like that. I said I didn’t think it was my job to police her behaviour and just wanted to chill and enjoy my holiday to be honest, and my way is more introverted than hers. She said I’d been ‘cold’ and not sympathetic enough about her injury and that I had just closed down and that it was ‘odd’, and that I obviously didn’t have the emotional capacity to handle her being unwell. I think this is very unfair - it’s taken a lot of energy to just be around her and I’ve actively been very engaged in talking about her injury, offering solitions, agreeing it’s shit, letting things go etc. I am not however going to have massive amounts of sympathy for someone who acts in this way as I find it selfish. Also, I’ve been a carer for sick people before and have endless empathy usually. I have just found it hard to find any more for her. She also said I’d disengaged from the first day of the holiday when actually, I’d invited her to come with me on a big walk to get our bearings and to explore the city, she said she’d come later, and then backed out because of jet lag. I think she has felt rejected when we haven’t done things together; but she is often the one backing out. For instance the other night we were out for what could have been our one and only proper night in a month - we were just gearing up and getting in the mood when she stubs her toe, she says she feels faint and goes home, leaving me out alone.

She also said I’d assassinated her character and that mentioning her behaviour to waiters was unfair as it’s nothing to do with me.

I feel hurt she said I was cold and she’d found my behaviour odd. Also like she’s a massively entitled selfish brat and like I don’t really want to spend any more time with her. AIBU?

YABU - she’s fine, you’re being sensitive
YANBU - she’s spoilt, you’d feel annoyed too

I get that. You can't win. Make new friends.

Constantly wants to upgrade everything and change plans to something even better... She refuses to get any buses or shuttles, everything must be private taxi

Is your friend Anna Delvy/Sorokin?

But seriously.

YABU

To go on holiday with someone, it's not someone you just met at the bus stop. So you should have known what she was like.

Personally, after the first coffee with someone like that they would be in the 'acquaintance' box and I would have little to do with them.

So it's ok for waiters in England to be harangued by her? You thought she would magically change? You just let all that happen around you over the years?

If it is a drastic personality change I would be supporting her in health evaluations. If it's standard then you knew what she was like.

Like marrying a selfish man, you've seen him be selfish, then complaining that he's selfish.

To go on holiday with someone, it's not someone you just met at the bus stop.

It's so easy to make blithe statements like this but it does make you sound rather ignorant about human nature and also very rude. As I said earlier, people who you thought you knew well can behave drastically differently on holiday.

Sounds like anxiety and OCD. She def has issues but as already said no excuse for rudeness.

She behaves like this because you let her get away with it. I would suggest you keep quiet until you get home and then go low contact.

@sweetbellyhigh

The treating service staff like something on the bottom of her shoe surely didn't magically start abroad?

@SammyseesawNotts wow I actually feel like I was reading this about myself. (Myself being you btw, I have been in your shoes)

I had a friend like this. We met at uni and had a couple of holidays together. She was an absolute nightmare.

Like you’ve described, everything had to be up to her standards. She would complain over the most stupid and insignificant thing. (E.g the rice looking too brown in her paella. Prices being too high and she would barter, quite aggressively. We went to a cafe in Bali and we’d saw on Instagram that you could get a fruit bowl with fruit cut into letters that said BALI on top. We ordered them, and because our fruit said HAPPY and not BALI like on Instagram she made up a fuss. Almost shouting at the poor waitress. I was so embarrassed).

She’d always be flustered and because I’m a laid back and chilled person she would boss me around and make me feel really uncomfortable. Looking back now, I wish I’d have told her where to go. (I did eventually, years later).

She would get over emotional. And would get angry and upset if I didn’t react to a situation the same way she did. A lot like your friends injury, as an example.

I did a lot of analysing of my friends behaviour and I’m sure she has borderline personality disorder or histrionic personality disorder.

I just couldn’t put up with her anymore. I had enough. Looking back over the whole friendship she was toxic as fuck. I had to cut that shit off. I have much nicer friends. Luckily we no longer live in the same city.

Obviously I don’t know your friend, so can’t make a judgement on her. But from your posts, I can see some scary similarities.

Always know your worth. Never pussyfoot around anyone. Don’t let any friends embarrass you or take you for granted.

Sorry for the long post, I guess my point is YANBU 😂

[quote BigupPemberleyMassive]@sweetbellyhigh

The treating service staff like something on the bottom of her shoe surely didn't magically start abroad?[/quote]
Maybe it did? Maybe it became more pronounced? The woman clearly has extreme anxiety issues which will be exacerbated on holiday.

@sweetbellyhigh

To go on holiday with someone, it's not someone you just met at the bus stop.

It's so easy to make blithe statements like this but it does make you sound rather ignorant about human nature and also very rude. As I said earlier, people who you thought you knew well can behave drastically differently on holiday.

Very true, even the most sane and rational people behave like knobs on holiday, it's like they leave their brains behind. I work for an Airline and a couple of Barristers got bladdered on a flight and had to be arrested when we got to South Africa, they were even banging on the flight deck door during the flight demanding the pilots come out! It was madness, this was a good few years ago now. Why it happens I have no idea.

@Yespresh

Sounds like anxiety and OCD. She def has issues but as already said no excuse for rudeness.

She behaves like this because you let her get away with it. I would suggest you keep quiet until you get home and then go low contact.

Total BS

It is not OP's responsibility to manage her friend's behaviour. That is absolute victims blaming

People who are rude and demanding of waiting staff are the worst and I absolutely have no time for them. For your own sanity it sounds like you need to go it alone the rest of the holiday. I hope you can enjoy some of it.

To be honest, I would probably question the injury/pain, especially as you mentioned she had some other issue last time you went away with her. It all sounds like an additional way to make everything revolve around her and for her preferences to take priority. And it has worked.

Thanks @sweetbellyhigh. Yes obviously I wouldn’t have gone if I knew she was like this. As I say there was a hint of it once before but she reassured me it was one off behaviour. I’ve known her for a few years but she’s def not my closest friend. I’m in my late 30s so they’re pretty much all partnered up now, one of the reasons why I went I guess - not often you get the chance nowadays to have company on a big holiday like this (although we had initially said we’d do bits together and bits apart - I’m very happy to be independent - and she then decided she wanted to stay with me the whole way. Don’t see why when I’m supposedly so cold?!)

@meganorks interesting, god if she was faking this there would be something seriously wrong with her. But I am wondering now whether something else is going on. Looking at it all she seems to have very little self awareness… something not right about it all although I hate to just label people with personality disorders. She does have diagnosed adhd and has been playing around with meds this holiday. I can’t say I notice she’s calmer when on a higher dose although she says she feels it.

Tbh, I think my ‘coldness’ has actually been slight bemusement. I keep thinking she’ll cotton on and realise she’s offending people, or notice that when she gets hysterical I don’t want to engage. I honestly can’t even begin to think about how to manage her behaviour, and it’s not my job.

@FlissyPaps love your name!!! Haha that’s the sort of thing she would do with the bowl… she constantly asks people to take more photos of us from specific angles if they’re not quite right etc, everything has to be perfect for Instagram.

And yes constant flaps. Like clockwork, every time we need to leave for something she will decide she is hungry or thirsty and needs to stock up NOW before we leave, and also needs to find a toilet. She cannot wait half an hour; and cannot tolerate waiting even a minute for me to let’s say pick up my stuff while getting out of a taxi before getting into a flap.

I would suck up the extra cost and fly home feigning a family emergency sod that

To the person who said I should suggest she gets medical help, I did convince her to go to proper doctor this week and is going for an MRI scan. Before this, she was paying all manner of healers and masseuses for several massages and healing sessions a week. She must have spent over £1000 by now on it all. I took her to a pharmacy and they gave her pain relief and muscle relaxants but she googled the muscle relaxants and decided they were dangerous after paying £29 for them. I’ve been trying to help her manage input of info as she gets a different opinion from everyone. Hopefully the scan will help.

Should add that she’s had a few days of being absolutely fine, and fun, which is when she’s in less pain. Hence me holding on I guess - have been hoping it would go away and we’d be able to relax into it as there’s been glints of the fun person I was expecting.

YANBU my dad always says you should always judge a person by how they treat waiting staff. Can you just leave her during the day and do your own thing?

Sounds like a massive narcissist and all around fun sponge. Definitely get rid.

Is she menopausal @SammyseesawNotts?

I had a friend who acted similarly to this around lockdown. It seemed to heighten her anxiety levels and her behaviour became quite shocking.

Like your friend, she complained a lot, moaned a lot, had never ending aches and pains, all in different places. It was exhausting and it drove me mad. She became obsessed about little details and constantly demanded attention.

I felt much like a counsellor or sounding board.

Friend is better since starting hrt and relaxing about covid.

I don’t think so @Cheshirecatwoman - she’s 36 with periods like clockwork..: although she did blame her behaviour on PMS for about a week.

Pretty sure DM is a narcissist, and those tendencies can get worse when stressed.

Essentially, 'life' is a drama with her as the central character and everyone else is a bit part. She'll get stressed and agitated when the bit players don't perform as expected.

She'll have a preconceived expectation of how things will be, and everyone needs to fall into line so that her role plays out exactly as expected. If there are obstacles, then she will bravely and determinedly confront them head on and lo, our heroine will triumph.

She'll be unable to process anyone having a different opinion to her- because she's right, obviously, so you must agree with her (unless you are very stupid, or a stubbornly wilful attention seeker). It's inconceivable that she is wrong.

While things are going well her way, then she'll be quite charming. It's when things go wrong that the nastiness surfaces, because she'll see it as people/the world being deliberately difficult to spoil her experience.

Just in case that helps you understand her!

Oh dear...she sounds like a classic narcissist.Once home, run for the hills from this friendship and don't look back!

Totally agree with my fellow armchair psychologists that this ticks a lot of boxes for narcissism.

• Low capacity to see anyone's point of view but her own
• Perfectionist, entitled
• Poor emotional regulation
• Never wrong... it's always the other person's fault for not delivering to her standards, misunderstanding her, being too stroppy, not stroppy enough, too impatient, too slow to speak up, over-sensitive, not sensitive enough... you get the picture - wrong whatever they do
• Kind and fun when it results in her being the centre of attention
• All about 'how it looks' over 'how it actually is'

I’ve travelled with people like this and the only thing you can do is ditch them if you can (I know that sounds heartless but having come across several such types they never improve and they are utterly draining), keep your distance if you can’t and never EVER travel with them again. Nothing is ever good enough, nothing is ever worth their bother, they always have a litany of injuries and problems that they use to beat you around the head. Fucking exhausting.

Leave her behind and move on - literally!