Feeling so frustrated about child’s diet - AIBU?

[Openmuddyfields]

Some will probably think I’m being a bit precious and maybe I am, interested to hear views.

DS (16 months) goes to nursery so is fed there mostly, and what he eats is healthy. I’m broadly happy with what he eats. I’m not happy about what he drinks, and I’m probably to blame for this as he was really unwell a few months ago and in desperation to get some fluids into him I bought a Fruit Shoot. DH has now sort of incorporated fruit shoots into his diet and he won’t drink water.

The other thing I’m really not happy about is that DH feeds him titbits like a dog, if one of us is eating DS walks up to us and shouts. I really don’t think we should encourage this by giving him food. The other thing is that whatever DH gives him is unhealthy. He’s had a McDonald’s hash brown, biscuits (he does have biscuits but baby ones) crisps, juice and chips.

I’m starting to feel I can’t leave the room as when I come back ds is eating something horrible and DH is looking like a mischievous child. I don’t want to be the one frowning all the time but I am concerned about habits being formed.

I'd be pissed off with that. Also, it's terrible for his teeth to be having bits here and there- his teeth will be essentially rotting for up to an hour every time he eats something or drinks something which isn't water.

I have no problem with DH having a McDonald’s. I just don’t want DS to have it.

I do think it’s not the same at all as teenagers - my worry is that when he’s off nursery his diet is going to be terrible. He already doesn’t eat brilliantly when he’s at home with me tbh.

@Openmuddyfields

I have no problem with DH having a McDonald’s. I just don’t want DS to have it.

I do think it’s not the same at all as teenagers - my worry is that when he’s off nursery his diet is going to be terrible. He already doesn’t eat brilliantly when he’s at home with me tbh.

That may well be because at nursery they all eat together whereas at home he's just given food to eat alone. Children learn best by copying. If you eat meals as a family and you and DH eat healthy meals it'll encourage his eating behaviours.

It's perfectly normal for a toddler to want to try everything that he sees anybody else eating, it's part of learning (I use to think mine looked like little birds too with mouths open😋) and I think if you try to teach him please by saying it quietly everytime he asks for something, and delay giving it him for a second or two, he will soon pick it up. It might not be a perfect sound but will be his version of please which is then rewarded by him getting what he wants quicker.
As another poster said I would use a fruit shoot bottle but put watered down apple juice in it or full sugar high juice squash, that's what all three of mine had and they have perfect teeth as adults, only one of them would drink water. asda sell a couple of versions own brand for £1.35 which are 50% juice. So long as teeth brushed at night they will be fine, mine always had sugar drinks as I prefer natural to artificial with everything and no fillings among them. Even the one who developed a full sugar coca cola habit much later on🙄! Try to relax, he will be fine even if he is having bits of junk food it's not the majority of his intake and I'm someone who makes most things from scratch and still buys organic milk for my one adult child that still lives with me 😂

You are going to give your child issues if start eating ‘bad food’ they aren’t allowed in front of them. If you don’t want him shouting, offer him some before he does it or encourage him to say please.

@gogohm

But perhaps the best solution is that your dh eats healthier food, why is he eating McDonald's in the house? Seems odd for a grown man

Does it?

How ridiculous. Your post I mean, not eating a takeaway. At home. 🙄

The real problem is it isn’t discussed or agreed on, so I feel as if I’m losing control of parenting in a way.

Maybe your DH feels exactly like that every time you are unhappy at him giving a curious toddler a taste of what he’s eating

Be grateful he will try new foods, try having a toddler who will literally only put 10 different foods into their mouth.

I think YANBU. He's only 16 months old. Mine hadn't had chocolate etc by then and now at 2.5 has never had a mcds or juice. He doesn't need them at all in his diet now. The main issue will giving them chocolate etc at that age is that he will be missing out on the benefits of other healthier more nutritious foods if he is filling up on the high calorie sweet/salty food. I think you're right to be mindful and restrict it.

@JennySpanner

Can you accept there will perhaps come a point where he won’t accept new foods, because he’s become accustomed to highly processed, sugary, salty foods?

I wouldn't want my child to be eating unhealthy snacks all day. What you eat and how you eat as a child influences what you eat as an adult. And what you eat has an impact on your health, quality of life and longevity. Putting some effort in to establish good eating habits, while allowing the odd treat, is basic good parenting.

But if you're eating on the sofa an inquisitive toddler is going to want to know what you've got and share it. That's not begging

Precisely. No one ate junk food on the sofa when my dc were little.

So some think I should not only ban DS from eating junk food but DH as well, and some think I’m worrying over nothing, to surmise

@Openmuddyfields I actually think the problem here is your DH. You need to sit down and talk to him about your concerns and get on the same page regarding DSs eating. I don’t think any aspect of parenting really works if you’re not on the same page!

I have a 16m old too. And I have a lifelong history of weight problems myself. My relationship with food is atrocious despite my best efforts to change. I’m a horrendous binge eater. I piled the pressure on myself from the very start of weaning to do things “right” and admittedly I got myself in a right state over it.
I want DS to grow up healthy. I want him to have a healthy relationship with food. I don’t want any of my habits/issues becoming his. I’ve really tried to relax as much as I can about his eating and we’re FAR from perfect but here are some of the things that work for us:

• wherever possible, we eat together at the table. DS has 3 meals per day and he has snacks in between if he’s hungry.
• neither DH or I eat around DS if he’s not eating (we’re not big snackers though so this works fine for us just as a natural part of our day - may not work for others)
• where we can we eat what DS eats - or at least something similar. I just adapt his version to make it baby friendly.
• Hes welcome to ask for anything off of our plates. I also serve whatever veggies we’re having in a dish in the middle of the table and we all take from there - DS included. This has also been GREAT for his speech. He will point and say “baby/his name...mo” which means he wants more and then I’ll point to each and offer him a choice eg “carrots or broccoli” and he’ll have a go at saying whatever one he wants.
• I really conscious of trying to use positive language about food. Nothing is bad/naughty/treat/yucky etc
• I homemake “healthy versions” of things where I can - so he has pancakes/cakes/ biscuits/ice lollies etc but I know exactly what’s in them. He has these snacks the majority of the time so I now find that I’m much more relaxed about things when we’re out and about - it’s really not the end of the world if he has something a bit fatty/salty/sugary because the rest of his diet is great so I just let him enjoy the new taste 🤷🏻‍♀️
• I do draw a line at juice/chocolate etc. He doesn’t know what these things are and as far as I’m concerned there will be plenty of years where he does know and asks for them (and I’ll happily incorporate them into his diet at that point!) but while he’s still absolutely buzzing over banana pancakes and a cup of water, he can have that 🤣🤣

I do have pretty strong feelings on things to do with food because of my own issues but I’m really trying my best to make food a positive experience for DS. I have actually banned my MIL from being around during DS mealtimes because she just can’t help herself with the negative language despite me repeatedly asking her. She’ll constantly tell DS that cake/biscuit/crisps are “naughty” or if he asks for more she’ll say things like “no no, you’ve had enough, you’ll get a big tummy if you eat that!” 🙄🙄

I eat McDonald’s at home all the time. We all had one together on the sofa watching tv the other night as a treat. However, I wouldn’t be sitting eating a McDonald’s while my DH and DS were having something else for tea. It’s a treat we all have very occasionally or that Dh and I have when Ds is in bed.

OP I presume your DS drinks water at nursery? I’d honestly just stop giving him fruit shoots. You don’t need to concede on that one.
You need an honest conversation with you Dh about your eating habits.

My DS doesn’t eat tea with us all the time (we quite often eat when he’s in bed) but he still eats a wide variety of food even when eating on his own (we do sit with him, just not eating at the same time) so I do think it’s about variety.

I think it's perfectly normal and natural for a toddler to be curious about and want to try any food their parents are eating. In fact, (and I know this might be considered a slightly extreme view) I would even go as far as to say it's rude to eat in front of children and not let them have any. It'd be rude to eat in front of an adult guest without offering them anything to eat so IMO I think it's rude to do it with toddlers too. In our house, that means we don't eat anything in front of DC that we don't want them to have. So if I want a chocolate bar and I don't want DD to have any because she's already had too much chocolate this week (or I want it all to myself) I sneak off into the kitchen or wait until she's having a nap. I just think it avoids that situation where children feel the need to act like, and then are treated like, dogs begging for scraps under the table instead of members of the family, as well as avoiding a "do as I say, not as I do" situation in the house, which toddlers are too young to understand and is likely to backfire.

Essentially, the big problem here is your DH and his diet. Even if he refused to give your DS any of his unhealthy food, your DS will still see him eating it. Learning by example is a massive part of children developing their eating habits. If you want DS to eat healthily you need to all sit around the table together and for DS to see you both eating - and, crucially, enjoying - healthy meals. If your (and your DH's) actions don't match up to your words of what you're telling DS to eat, DS will soon pick up on the hypocrisy when he's older anyway. There's nothing wrong with the odd kebab, but it sounds like it is much more than that here. So I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk with your DH about what eating habits you want your DS to learn and how you're going to teach them. And explain to DH why you think healthy eating is important. You don't necessarily have to ban DH from eating junk food, but maybe ask him to eat it away from DS and explain why you don't want DS snacking so much between meals.

As for not wanting to teach your DS to go up to people demanding food, I think that can come if, say, you're out in public and he tries it on a stranger, you can just tell him no so he learns that it's OK to ask for food from Daddy but not other people, and then learning about manners etc. can come later.

It's really normal for a toddler to share bits of what their parents are eating. For most people that's a normal diet with occasional treats/unhealthy stuff, so as long as you are conscious of salt etc it's not a big deal.

Lots of toddlers drink squash. It isnt the end of world - water it down well and choose low sugar options etc.

I have 2 kids one was entirely conversant by 18 months and the other is 27 months and says about 10 words max..not clearly.

Speech
His speech is well within normal range. You would expect him to have around 3 words now which he does. The important thing is working on understanding the speech, 'can you find Teddy please?'. If there was 10 kids his age, some would say 20 words, some would say 3 and some would say absolutely nothing. None of those children are speech delayed because they are far too young to assess that. However you absolutely can teach him to say please and not to shout. So take him on your knee and say 'oh would you like some of mummys biscuit? Can you say please?' And you can also sign it. If he makes some attempt to repeat you or stop yelling in your face then he gets what he wants. Also he won't be going up to everyone begging for food...you are his safe space and get the range of emotions and behaviours.

Eating
It is an unwritten rule of children that they want whatever you have. My kids can hear a crisp packet opening from the other side of the house and arrive ready for a portion. Your DH should not be snacking all day on unhealthier food choices because DS will mirror that behaviour. Of course you cannot police your DH eating, but maybe if he wants those foods he could have them when the baby is sleeping? Plus then he wouldn't have to share. Your job is to provide him with plenty healthy foods, not to make him eat it. So plenty veg with all his meals and if he is having a snack start with fruit/veg. I find that mon to fri when DH is out the kids will eat very well but when he is at home we are a bit more relaxed about it. Its showing your child that you can enjoy these foods but maybe as a family treat or if you are out for the day. I took both my boys to cafes for special date days with mummy when they were younger and they got to choose and share a cake with me which saves having those treats available in the house.

Juice
There are some toddlers who will allow themselves to become particularly dehydrated rather than drink water or milk. My eldest would become incredibly constipated and I was giving him those little pouches of prunes constantly and before we ended up on movicol I decided to let him drink weak diluting juice. I don't ban fruitshoots but its not something we have in the house, its if we are out for dinner. Fruitshoots are actually a lot better than they used to be. You could dilute it down in the fruitshoot bottle a bit until he kicks the habit.

You sound like you are doing absolutely grand but putting so much pressure on yourself to get it all perfect. Most are like this with their first child but it really is ok if he has the occasional milkybar. Just need to go back in time and stop Grandma giving DS2 hot chocolate in his bottle when I was out at work

The issue is that your DH is eating junk food randomly all day long.

You need to have a discussion with your DH about setting a good example to your child of all eating meals together at the table.

If your toddler is having 3 meals a day at nursery anyway, can't your DH wait til he's in bed to eat his kebab?

Sharing the odd snack with your child is of course fine (and by "teaching him to say please" people just mean model asking nicely every time or doing the sign for please, it might take a few months before he is saying it too!) but if Daddy is eating MacDonalds and crisps all day instead of sitting at the table eating a family meal then that is a problem.

I have some pretty strong feelings about sugary drinks in general. I think you should have a conversation with dh and ban them from your house. Spend a couple of weeks watering them down first so he doesnt notice. Then if there arent any in the house neither of you can crack and give him one

I found that when my kids snacked a lot they didnt eat their meals and that was where the majority of their healthy food intake was, so I limited it to 2 snacks a day and at least an hour before their meals. I also only let them eat in the kitchen sat at the table if we were at home. It also kept down the crumbs and sticky fingers. If you can get dhon board with this plan, then it solves this problem

But basically you have a dh problem, the two of you need to sit down and talk this through, decide on your parenting plan re ds eating and drinking and then stick to it.

Lastly, if you suspect a language delay, get ds in front of a SLT asap. The earlier you address this the easier it is to crack.

Why isn't he eating with you at home ? Even if you give him a tiny portion everytime you sit down to eat. I don't think you are being unreasonable in what you're saying I.e if it's biscuits all the time and Letting him shout at you to get food ect but I think maybe you need to meet in the middle.

going against the grain op l am totally with you, l won't have cereal, fizzy drinks, cordial or snack boxes in the house.

We all eat far, far too much sugar and most dcs teeth are suffering badly for it, it is storing up poor health for the future.

There are enough parties, birthdays, and odd treat days out without feeding crap at home.
I hope you manage to get your DH on board. Sop buying the worst of it. Lastly always have cucumber, carrot, sweet pepper, cheese and fruit cut up in the fridge as a quick go to.

I don’t think you can expect to eat something fun in front of a toddler without them asking for some. I also think you need to model the behaviour you want from them. I therefore don’t snack in front of DC unless I’m sat at some form of table and I’m happy for him to have some. Maybe you and your DH should decide on some joint boundaries around food (when and where DS eats is probably more important than what he eats). I don’t think you’d be unreasonable at all to ask DH to do that.

I would put diluting juice inside the fruit shoot bottle! I’m sure your child will grow out of the habit soon. Very very watered down though.

My children all came to graze what was on my plate and I was fine with that.

I genuinely don’t believe this grazing will cause your child any long term problems.

Some days they eats lots and others they don’t seem to need it!

@DelilahBucket

Here's how you solve most of your problems - eat together and cook. Why is your DH scoffing a McDonald's when neither you or DS are eating a meal at the same time? Or why are you and DH scoffing it (you didn't say whether you were eating the same meal as your DH) in front of DS while bleating on about healthy eating habits? How often do you have foods like this in your house? We have a takeaway maybe twice a month at most. Lead by example because whatever you are eating your DS is going to want it and fast food consumed so regularly that you insist your child is constantly being fed junk food isn't doing anyone any favours.

Agree with this.

I'd also cut out the fruit shoots as soon as you can- just stop buying them. No problem with the odd one but if your DS won't drink milk or water because he's holding out for a fruit shoot, that's a problem.