Feeling so frustrated about child’s diet - AIBU?

[Openmuddyfields]

Some will probably think I’m being a bit precious and maybe I am, interested to hear views.

DS (16 months) goes to nursery so is fed there mostly, and what he eats is healthy. I’m broadly happy with what he eats. I’m not happy about what he drinks, and I’m probably to blame for this as he was really unwell a few months ago and in desperation to get some fluids into him I bought a Fruit Shoot. DH has now sort of incorporated fruit shoots into his diet and he won’t drink water.

The other thing I’m really not happy about is that DH feeds him titbits like a dog, if one of us is eating DS walks up to us and shouts. I really don’t think we should encourage this by giving him food. The other thing is that whatever DH gives him is unhealthy. He’s had a McDonald’s hash brown, biscuits (he does have biscuits but baby ones) crisps, juice and chips.

I’m starting to feel I can’t leave the room as when I come back ds is eating something horrible and DH is looking like a mischievous child. I don’t want to be the one frowning all the time but I am concerned about habits being formed.

@FiveForAPound

I agree with teaching him to say please. My dc always ate at the table and would get into their chairs themselves so that could be a more polite way of signalling he would like something to eat rather than the shouting.

I never have understood the idea that if you don't give your toddlers crisps and a Penguin then they rebel,later when they are older. Mine never did and they are 15 and 18 now.

I'm not just referring to toddlers and of course not all children will be the same but I am just giving my experience.

Chocolate, crisps and McDonald's are not inherently bad foods. By banning them you make them more appealing - especially if other kids are allowed them and you're not.

I am now genuinely paranoid DS has a speech delay. I think I need to look into this a bit more. Thanks. Would appreciate drawing a line there, it’s upset me more than I thought.

Is DH overweight?
He's not a dog I don't get the handing him bits of food - I'm assuming DH is sitting at the table.
Can DS eat with you?

No, he’s sat on the sofa.

I would gradually water down the fruit shoots, that way he’ll be getting more water and less sugar. The other stuff is fine in small amounts.

Don’t worry about his speech. Mine didn’t have a single word until 19 months but he’s a massive chatterbox now at 3.

DH is a bit overweight as am I. He carries it well as he’s a big bloke generally.

I think there is some unreality here....Are you saying that when you leave the room a Mac meal magically appears from nowhere? Does your husband live on mac meals and never eat anything else? How many does he eat in a day if its everytime you leave the room?
As far as the shouting goes, at 16 months isn't that fairly standard communication? Is it the volume you object to or what he shouts? You could teach him to say please but i think he's a bit little for volume control. You have said he's mostly fed at nursery so he can't be eatng such things all day (unless the nursery supply them).
Can you open the fruit shoot bottle and dilute the contents with water? Start by adding a little and gradually increase the amount.
This next bit is reachy but is there any part of you that is jealous because babe wants his Dad's food and yours not so much? I know that mum/babe/food is an incredibly emotional and loaded issue for some mums...you don't have to answer publicly but could this be a part of what you are feeling?

Your DH is doing the right thing and you need to back off, you're going to cause disordered eating in your DC if you don't. Tasting bits of their parents food helps them try a range of different tastes and helps develop an interest in food. You just need to watch the salt and sugar but don't worry about different fats, it doesn't matter whether it's unsaturated or not, before 5 they just need plenty of it. A bit of Macdonald's every now and then is not an issue

I’m giving the McDonald’s as an example, I don’t think I said anywhere that McDonald’s meals appear out of nowhere and I understand some people think I’m in the wrong but it’s unfair to present it like that.

What does happen is that DH will snack on crisps, biscuits, bits of salami, sometimes things like kebabs or McDonald’s or chip shop chips and he will share them with DS.

People saying to water the fruit shoot down are missing the point a bit, that DH gives them to DS. I go for a shower and DS has crisps and a fruit shoot is what it feels like. I think the only reason his diet is broadly good is because he’s fed at nursery.

Is your husband eating dinner on the sofa or is your son sitting on the sofa whilst you eat at a table? If you have a table (I understand not everyone has space) could you all sit and eat together in the evening? I've always done this since my son was a baby. He's 3 now and it has helped him massively with nursery and being able to sit down at the table in restaurants etc. It also teaches good etiquette when eating, they can watch you use your knife and fork everyday, you can teach them to ask if they can get down from the table to go to the toilet etc. I know your is only tiny but it really helps to start this kind of thing young. As I understand it, my siblings and I were all pretty feral and we got a bit of a shock when we went to school! You'll be happy to know we don't shout at people now when we want some of their food!

@Openmuddyfields

I’m giving the McDonald’s as an example, I don’t think I said anywhere that McDonald’s meals appear out of nowhere and I understand some people think I’m in the wrong but it’s unfair to present it like that.

What does happen is that DH will snack on crisps, biscuits, bits of salami, sometimes things like kebabs or McDonald’s or chip shop chips and he will share them with DS.

People saying to water the fruit shoot down are missing the point a bit, that DH gives them to DS. I go for a shower and DS has crisps and a fruit shoot is what it feels like. I think the only reason his diet is broadly good is because he’s fed at nursery.

Sounds like your DH might be the one who needs to work on his diet? Can he wait for DS to go to bed before eating unhealthy meals and snacks?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP, at least not about the fruit shoots. I understand what you mean about them being incorporated into his diet because my DH does similar. A baby/toddler doesn’t need anything other than milk or water and it’s the difference between something being a occasional treat and incorporated into their regular diet. My DH has a sweet tooth and has introduced our toddler to lots of sweet things. That’s fine if he’s then prepared to regulate it, but he’s also lazy and would rather give in to toddler demands for something sweet than deal with tantrums and tears, so our son ends up having sweet things at every meal.

I wouldn’t worry about the shouting thing. He’s very young and he’ll grow out of that as his speech improves.

so does DH buy the fruit shoots? Because if he does then how often and if you buy them them water them down in bulk as they enter the house.
This is what you said...so how often is it? Do you think DH might feel less like he has to do it when you aren't there if you could relax a bit about it?
"I’m starting to feel I can’t leave the room as when I come back ds is eating something horrible and DH is looking like a mischievous child"

have you talked calmly to DH about your concerns? and can you unravel them for yourself a bit? The language you use is very emotional (which I get) but is it realistic? Toddler "shouts for food" Dad "feeds him like a dog" food is "something horrible" As I said food and feeding children is an emotive subject for some Mums....easier to deal with maybe if you can park the emotion when dealing with it?

After your updates, OP, I'm on your side. If your DH is constantly feeding your DS unhealthy snacks so he doesn't touch the nutritious meals you prepare, then that's clearly a problem. The fruit shoots need to go (your DS is so young he'll probably forget about them if they're no longer offered).

Unfortunately our parents influence our dietary habits to a large degree and if your DH spends a large part of the day sat around on the sofa eating unhealthy snacks, this is going to have an impact on your DS. It's going to be much more enticing than the healthy home-cooked meals you offer at table. You need to get your DH onside... if he agrees to eat relatively healthily and at set times during the day rather than constantly snacking, that's going to have beneficial effects for your DS. Can you ask him to save the unhealthy snacks for when DS is napping/in bed? That's normally when my large bar of Galaxy caramel comes out .

OP he doesn't have to actually say 'please' clearly or obviously at 16 months.

Young children can pick up things like makaton really early. Show him the sign for please and say 'please' with the sign every time he comes up to you. He'll pick it up.

OP I don’t think YABU here. He’s a toddler but he’s still very small and like you I would want to restrict his access to very sweet or salty foods for a while longer. It’s not something you can control forever but he’s young enough for now. Mine is a year older and is only just starting to have things from McDonalds rarely, have normal biscuits.

Can you gradually begin to water down the fruit shoots?

Chocolate, crisps and McDonald's are not inherently bad foods. By banning then you make them more appealing - especially if other kids are allowed them and you're not.
I haven't found this to be the case though, that's what I am saying.

OP it's not clear how often your son is at home snacking with your DP. If it's every day then I agree, it's too often. It does sound like it's fairly frequent. What he's doing also reinforces the belief that sweet, salty, highly processed food is better or more delicious while healthier, less salty, more balanced food is somehow to be endured.

Continually eating high amounts of sugar, salt and fat in highly processed food makes your body develop cravings for them. And yes, crisps, Mcdonalds and chips ARE inherently bad foods!! High calorie, low nutrition. For a child, food needs to be balanced and nutritious for them to get the vitamins they need, and to develop good habits, with the occasional treat, not for those types of foods to be considered the norm.

Can't understand these posters claiming that your DP is somehow doing 'the right thing'! Can't he offer your son healthy snacks? Like a piece of apple or something?

Don’t be worried about your son’s speech (and if you are worried, mention it to nursery and I’m sure they will reassure you). My son was exactly the same at 16 months - just a handful of words, no two word sentences yet. We’d have had a better chance of teaching him to fly than to ask for things using ‘please’ at that age.

A few months later his speech ‘exploded’ and now at 2.5 he asks for things nicely and says ‘thank you mummy/daddy/name’ when he receives them.

Gosh I'm with you OP. He's 16 months old, why on earth would he be having squash or McDonalds? It's just not necessary and he's far too young to be aware of the popularity of these things. I'd be unhappy too if my partner was giving this to my very young toddler.

Don’t buy fruit shoots - they’re so so so strong, apart from the sugar they must ruin the tastebuds. I am not anti-squash but at least buy it as diluting squash and then your dh when he gives it can make it a reasonable strength.

Also, as others say, of course he’ll want to try what the adults are eating, it’s good and natural that he asks and I don’t think the answer is to deny him. You all need to think more about where and when you are eating so that you’re eating together and it is appropriate to share.

And don’t worry about his speech at 16mo. Most children are closer to two when their speech develops.

@FiveForAPound

Chocolate, crisps and McDonald's are not inherently bad foods. By banning then you make them more appealing - especially if other kids are allowed them and you're not. I haven't found this to be the case though, that's what I am saying.

If that's because they're not visible it's fine - but if you were sat on the sofa eating them then told the kids they couldn't have them it would be the case.

Op needs her DH on side if she's taking the approach she wants to.

OP, I think you're taking an unnecessary beating here. Yes, you're probably being a little precious but actually, I completely understand. DH has a habit of buying the children crisps and chocolates and donuts and all the rest way too often. He also, when they were younger and he was looking after them more, got into a habit of a twice weekly mcdonalds. It was incredibly frustrating and, to be honest, still is (DS' weight is fine now but he was v overweight for a while and DD is definitely on the slightly overweight side, although is also growing rapidly).

The issue is more that your DH has an unhealthy eating pattern and he's passing this to your DS. It was letting DS pick from our (grown up) plates of food at proper meal times that got him eating more varied food so that habit isn't bad. It's just bad when it's all snacks and fruit shoots!

OP don’t worry about his speech at 16 months. My DS didn’t say anything until he was 2 and now he never shuts up.

I think you’re not unreasonable in your feelings given your updates. it seems like you’re fighting an uphill battle and you and your DH are not on the same page. He’s undermining your feelings every time your back is turned. You need to talk about this seriously and find a middle ground which suits you both.

Your Dh diet sounds dreadful, as an aside!

Why are you all eating separately anyway?