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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with BIL?

82 replies

nfyz2880 · 27/03/2022 20:09

Me and DP have gone away for the weekend and we are due back home tomorrow, DS1&DS2 are staying with BIL, which I am grateful for. My eldest has suffered with mental health for a while and is under CAHMS. He's had 2 suicide attempts, the recent one last month. BIL knows this and has told DS that he can talk to him whenever he wants to and they are close. BIL messaged DP as DS has told him he wants to die and that he doesn't see a future for himself, apparently they talked and BIL made him see that he does have a future. DP asked him if DS is ok now and he told him that he's gone out with his friend.

I'm furious that he's allowed him to go out, and I am now 2 hours away from home and I'm worried about him. I have messaged him but I'm not sure what else I can do

AIBU?

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 27/03/2022 20:13

Nothing much you can do now. Just drive safely back. Maybe the best thing is your son is with a friend and distracted from his dark thoughts.

SaxendaSummer · 27/03/2022 20:21

he's made the judgement that your son would benefit from some time with his friend

luxxlisbon · 27/03/2022 20:26

I mean, I think it was a lot to put on BIL to have DS for the weekend only a month after such an event.

Ultimately BIL can’t keep him locked at home all weekend. They obviously had a chat and BIL felt comfortable with him seeing a friend.

I understand you being worried particularly as you aren’t there but I don’t really think you are being reasonable with being “furious”.

DearlyBeloathed · 27/03/2022 20:27

@luxxlisbon

I mean, I think it was a lot to put on BIL to have DS for the weekend only a month after such an event.

Ultimately BIL can’t keep him locked at home all weekend. They obviously had a chat and BIL felt comfortable with him seeing a friend.

I understand you being worried particularly as you aren’t there but I don’t really think you are being reasonable with being “furious”.

All of this.
rwalker · 27/03/2022 20:30

I think you are being unfair on BIL I'm sure he will of made a judgement call at the time .

StopFeckingFaffing · 27/03/2022 20:35

I agree with PPs

If you trust BIL to look after your DSs then you need to trust him to make a judgement call on letting your DS go out with his friend

If your DS's mental health is so fragile that you don't feel it is safe for him to be unsupervised at any point then I don't think it was fair to leave BIL with that responsibility

Barneysma2 · 27/03/2022 20:38

So you are annoyed with BIL for letting your son go out with a friend but its ok for you to go away for the weekend and leave your son even though he tried to kill himself only a month ago. Unbelievable.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 27/03/2022 20:38

Did you really want him to tell a suicidal teen that he can’t do the one thing that he wants to do?

Chocolateandmintcronuts · 27/03/2022 20:39

I agree with @ @StopFeckingFaffing. I hope your son is ok.

Electriq · 27/03/2022 20:41

I agree that you should not have left you DS to go away for anything so close to a suicide attempt, but that's not the point, the only person who was with DS to judge his mood was BIL, he clearly felt he was in a better head space, dont bombard your DS with messages.

Beautiful3 · 27/03/2022 20:44

Sounds like he's done the right thing. Talked it all through with him, listened, informed you, and let him spend some time with his mate for good mental health.

Bunce1 · 27/03/2022 20:45

@StopFeckingFaffing

I agree with PPs

If you trust BIL to look after your DSs then you need to trust him to make a judgement call on letting your DS go out with his friend

If your DS's mental health is so fragile that you don't feel it is safe for him to be unsupervised at any point then I don't think it was fair to leave BIL with that responsibility

Exactly.

You love and trust your BIL?

ChoiceMummy · 27/03/2022 20:45

I think that if you were so concerned after the recent situations, you shouldn't have left home tbh and put your BIL into such a difficult position. You're the parent and you cannot expect anyone else to parent like you, so don't put that weight on them.

What are you going to do - stop him from ever leaving the house?

Giveronyoursausage · 27/03/2022 20:47

Why are you angry with your bil? You obviously had no concern about leaving your son.

Margaretmatcher · 27/03/2022 20:48

You appear to be awful to your BIL you made a judgement call to go away after your son a MONTH ago threatened suicide and now not happy he allowed your son to go out with a friend. Jeez really catch a wake up call BIL must have been beside himself to make the call to keep your son in and maybe make your son feel like a prisoner or to allow him to go with a friend. That is a LOT of responsibility to put on BIL.

2DogsOnMySofa · 27/03/2022 20:49

I'm trying not to be judgemental but I'm struggling to see the sense in you going away and leaving your ds after such a short space of time between now and his suicide attempt. If you are comfortable leaving him with your bil then you need to trust his judgement. There's not much you can do from 2 hours away

VodselForDinner · 27/03/2022 20:49

What would you have preferred BIL to do? Upset your son by not allowing him leave the house?

Honestly, if you are that worried about every move your son makes, you shouldn’t have gone away.

user9764577436 · 27/03/2022 20:51

The only person you have a right to be furious with is yourself for leaving your son to go away with your husband…

DameMargaretofChalfont · 27/03/2022 20:55

You are unbelievably unreasonable to go away just a few weeks after your son's suicide attempt.

What on earth were you thinking !!!

You need to return home now to support your poor son.

Original poster
nfyz2880 · 27/03/2022 20:55

I didn't think mumsnet would be so judgmental!! FYI in 17 years, the only time I've been away from DS for more than a day was a few months ago when he was away for a week, but he was with DP so I knew he'd be fine. I was a single mum and then he was diagnosed with ADHD and has behavioural issues which I wouldn't want to put on anyone else. BIL offered to have DS’ so we could go away for my birthday, which was planned months ago.

I've been there for DS for over 2 years when he's been struggling and suicidal, I've stayed up multiple times to make sure he didn't harm himself, I've fought to get him help etc etc.

OP posts:
DontLookBackInAnger1 · 27/03/2022 20:56

How worried are you?

If you are genuinely worried about your son's safety then I think you need to return. Actually, if my child was still sharing that they feel suicidal then I would be returning anyway.

I appreciate you must feel you need a break, it must be draining. But he needs you. I don't think a weekend away is a great idea right now.

All the best, I hope your son is ok both short term and long term

springbreak22 · 27/03/2022 20:59

Is his father nearer to home, could go and look for him?
Are you unable to get him on his phone?

Feather12 · 27/03/2022 21:04

People are not being judgemental OP, they are just questioning why you would be angry about the person you left in charge making decisions pertaining to your child. If you don’t trust BILs decisions, then you really should not have left him to make them alone.

LidlMiddleLover · 27/03/2022 21:07

You say you didn’t expect judgement but sorry that what is needed You left a suicidal teen bil made the call he thought best for the boys welfare which is more than you did

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 27/03/2022 21:10

@luxxlisbon

I mean, I think it was a lot to put on BIL to have DS for the weekend only a month after such an event.

Ultimately BIL can’t keep him locked at home all weekend. They obviously had a chat and BIL felt comfortable with him seeing a friend.

I understand you being worried particularly as you aren’t there but I don’t really think you are being reasonable with being “furious”.

This. You've put a lot on him, if you don't trust him to make the right call then you shouldn't have left your DS with him.