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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be furious with BIL?

82 replies

nfyz2880 · 27/03/2022 20:09

Me and DP have gone away for the weekend and we are due back home tomorrow, DS1&DS2 are staying with BIL, which I am grateful for. My eldest has suffered with mental health for a while and is under CAHMS. He's had 2 suicide attempts, the recent one last month. BIL knows this and has told DS that he can talk to him whenever he wants to and they are close. BIL messaged DP as DS has told him he wants to die and that he doesn't see a future for himself, apparently they talked and BIL made him see that he does have a future. DP asked him if DS is ok now and he told him that he's gone out with his friend.

I'm furious that he's allowed him to go out, and I am now 2 hours away from home and I'm worried about him. I have messaged him but I'm not sure what else I can do

AIBU?

OP posts:

AChocolateOrangeaday · 27/03/2022 21:12

Did you specify that your DS was under house arrest before you went away?

If not YABU.

Tee20x · 27/03/2022 21:13

If the most recent suicide attempt was a month ago and you felt comfortable enough to leave him overnight, you can't then be furious at bil for making a judgement call and letting him go out. What was he meant to do, chain him to the chair?

If he had done the opposite and said - actually I'm concerned you may do something silly, I won't let you out. All that would do would be prevent him from opening up again.

Barneysma2 · 27/03/2022 21:14

People wouldnt be as judgemental i dont think about you going away (although i think thats pretty disgraceful one month after your boys suicide attempt) its about the fact you are furious with your BIL for making a judgement call and letting your son out with a friend even though you saw fit to go away and leave him so if he was to have another attempt on his life or needed support...where are you? Nowhere to be seen. Pot kettle black.

LittleBitHeiressLittleBitIris · 27/03/2022 21:19

Understandable you need a break. You obviously trust your BIL to look after him. Therefore trust your BIL to look after him.

44PumpLane · 27/03/2022 21:26

It's unfair to call people on mumsnet "judgmental" given you have literally posted a thread judging your BIL's choice about YOUR child.

I agree with most other posts that if you felt comfortable enough to leave him a month after his latest attempt on his life then you are the only one to blame for your concerns at this time.

Your BIL sounds to have done all the right things, he's there for your child and has had a Convo and supported but is also demonstrating trust in him and hopefully seeing friends will help your child's mood.

I think it absolutely sucks that you've not had time away from your child and I agree you must be exhausted and thoroughly done in, but in this instance it's not fair to be furious with your BIL.

I really hope things turn a corner for you and your son OP.

ChoiceMummy · 27/03/2022 21:26

@nfyz2880

I didn't think mumsnet would be so judgmental!! FYI in 17 years, the only time I've been away from DS for more than a day was a few months ago when he was away for a week, but he was with DP so I knew he'd be fine. I was a single mum and then he was diagnosed with ADHD and has behavioural issues which I wouldn't want to put on anyone else. BIL offered to have DS’ so we could go away for my birthday, which was planned months ago.

I've been there for DS for over 2 years when he's been struggling and suicidal, I've stayed up multiple times to make sure he didn't harm himself, I've fought to get him help etc etc.

Yet, still decided a month after a suicide attempt to go away for your birthday...

That was your choice and yet you're still berating the BIL.

The background for the purpose of this thread is irrelevant, regardless of how hard that's undoubtedly been.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 27/03/2022 21:37

Do you think it's possible your fury at BIL is that after what's happened you now feel guilty about going away? I'm not saying you should feel guilty or judging you for your actions, I'm asking if these emotions you're feeling are actually your judgements on yourself rather than on BIL? Anxiety and fear and guilt can often appear as anger.

My DC all have high care needs for various reasons, SEN, MH, chronic illness, so I get it, I get being burnt out and desperately needing a break. Like several PP my comment was not judging you for going, but saying you either trust BIL to care for your DS or you don't. He took on a lot for you to have a break, he doesn't deserve your fury.

ButtockUp · 27/03/2022 21:37

I've been there for DS for over 2 years when he's been struggling and suicidal, I've stayed up multiple times to make sure he didn't harm himself, I've fought to get him help etc etc.

If he's that fragile then you shouldn't have gone away.
You left your BIL to deal with him in your absence and he dealt with him as best he could.

This was your judgment call , not your BIL's.

Summerfun54321 · 27/03/2022 21:38

Sorry to hear that you and your son are having a difficult time. Blaming your BIL is crazy though. He’s doing you a massive favour that not many people would agree to in the circumstances. I would think very hard before adding unnecessary drama to such a fragile situation.

MonsterChopz · 27/03/2022 21:40

Self care is really important so I wouldn't judge you for taking time away. I do, however, think that you trusted BIL enough to look after the kids and therefore can't be furious at his decisions. Even if the worst was to happen, you couldn't blame BIL, he made a decision that he thought was best. Just as you made the decision to take some much needed self care. MH struggles are awful for the individual and all those surrounding them, people do the best that they can

Crunchymum · 27/03/2022 21:41

@Margaretmatcher

You appear to be awful to your BIL you made a judgement call to go away after your son a MONTH ago threatened suicide and now not happy he allowed your son to go out with a friend. Jeez really catch a wake up call BIL must have been beside himself to make the call to keep your son in and maybe make your son feel like a prisoner or to allow him to go with a friend. That is a LOT of responsibility to put on BIL.

It wasn't a threat a month ago, It was an attempt.

Tohaveandtohold · 27/03/2022 21:52

Yabu for being angry with your BIL. He was with your son and already had a conversation with him. If your son wanted to go out with his friend, I can see why he’ll let him go as that might help lighten up his mood. You don’t expect him to hold him as a prisoner really.
Since you’re away, the best thing to do is look after yourself and hope for the best.

Kego · 27/03/2022 22:03

You’re being extremely unfair with on your BIL IMO. You’ve tasked him with a massive responsibility here, to look after your suicidal teenager only a few weeks after an attempt on his life and I think he has done the best he possibly can. It amazing they have a relationship where your child can share with him, they talked it out, time out with a friend is also great for mental health and BIL has quickly communicated all of this with you. Keeping him locked in and isolating him would only have made him worse, surely. He needs to know he can communicate these feelings and not essentially be “punished” for sharing, as that’s exactly how he’d see it.

PinkiOcelot · 27/03/2022 22:05

@Barneysma2

So you are annoyed with BIL for letting your son go out with a friend but its ok for you to go away for the weekend and leave your son even though he tried to kill himself only a month ago. Unbelievable.

This!

esloquehay · 27/03/2022 22:15

I think it's totally unreasonable to be pissed off with your BIL. However, maybe the anger is, as it were, masking anxiety over your son's welfare and, possibly, guilt for going away.
I don't judge you at all for having a weekend break, as parents with vulnerable children often get compassion fatigue and neglect their own self-care.
If you're really that worried about your son as to be furious with poor BIL, then go home.

PinkSyCo · 27/03/2022 22:16

It is very unfair of you to be furious with your BIL when you have chosen to go off gallivanting just a month after your son’s suicide attempt. I sincerely hope your DS is ok, but you can’t blame other people if he isn’t.

eldora · 27/03/2022 22:18

YABU. If he is with a friend, that is the best thing for him. Why are you furious instead of just worried?!

lobsteroll · 27/03/2022 22:55

If you're only two hours away you could get back tonight - that's what I would do in your shoes. You won't enjoy yourself now anyway.

It was a huge responsibility to leave on your BILs shoulders given the recent events.

SD1978 · 27/03/2022 23:04

How old is your son? If he's 17 (which I assume) how do you propose your BIL forces him to stay in? You've trusted him enough to take care of a chronically suicidal older teenager, and they've talked and he's allowed him to see friends. He could t have forced him to stay home and made a judgment call. If you don't trust his judgment, he shouldn't have been left in charge. Sometimes trying to force someone to stay home could escalate the situation. I u d'état and you're worried, but I don't think he necessarily automatically made the wrong call.

EatSleepReplete · 27/03/2022 23:07

Was your DS supposed to be kept in, is there any reason why he needed to be? Was this discussed before you left?
Why was BIL responsible enough to look after them for the weekend but not to make decisions about your DS? Would you rather he'd phoned you every time DS asked a question/made a comment? That wouldn't be very relaxing.
If you're so concerned about your DS possibly doing something drastic, why did you choose to go away at this time?

It seems like you're worried about your DS & directing it at your BIL. Not great. Maybe next time BIL will say no when you ask for help, you obviously don't trust him.

I'm sure your DS will be fine. He probably just needed to see a friend for a bit.

MrsLegend · 27/03/2022 23:09

Apologies if I've missed this but how old is your son?

This is the only thing that would really make a difference to whether or not your BIL allows him out.

Runnerduck34 · 27/03/2022 23:28

Just wanted to say how sorry you are going through this OP.
Looking after a child with MH is draining physically and emotionally and you.must be on your knees after 2 years of this .
You deserve and need some time to yourself. You can't run on empty. The timing was difficult but given this has been going on for 2 years maybe there's no such thing as perfect timing. You must be out of your mind with worry.
I think.your BIL sounds pretty amazing not many would take on the responsibility of a teen with MH difficulties for the weekend, your son has opened up to him that's big deal and really good he has someone he can talk to. Him seeing a friend should hopefully also be good for his MH.
I do understand how scared and powerless you must feel, if you can I would phone your son and make a judgement, he may not want you to rush back and may even feel worse if you do you as he could then feel responsible ruining your weekend , but of course if he is in crisis you must go home.

saraclara · 27/03/2022 23:28

Was your DS supposed to be kept in, is there any reason why he needed to be? Was this discussed before you left?

That's what I wondered. Also you're incredibly fortunate to have a BIL who's prepared to take on the huge responsibility of looking after a 17 year old with suicidal thoughts for a weekend.

hookiewookie29 · 27/03/2022 23:31

My daughter suffers with her mental health
Going out with friends definitely helps.

HeddaGarbled · 27/03/2022 23:40

I think your BIL’s a bloody saint and you need to swap “furious” to “deeply grateful, thank goodness you are in our lives, our lives would be so much more difficult without your care and input over and above that which I have any right to expect” immediately.

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