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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with BIL?

82 replies

nfyz2880 · 27/03/2022 20:09

Me and DP have gone away for the weekend and we are due back home tomorrow, DS1&DS2 are staying with BIL, which I am grateful for. My eldest has suffered with mental health for a while and is under CAHMS. He's had 2 suicide attempts, the recent one last month. BIL knows this and has told DS that he can talk to him whenever he wants to and they are close. BIL messaged DP as DS has told him he wants to die and that he doesn't see a future for himself, apparently they talked and BIL made him see that he does have a future. DP asked him if DS is ok now and he told him that he's gone out with his friend.

I'm furious that he's allowed him to go out, and I am now 2 hours away from home and I'm worried about him. I have messaged him but I'm not sure what else I can do

AIBU?

OP posts:
Whatsmyname100 · 28/03/2022 00:07

@Barneysma2

So you are annoyed with BIL for letting your son go out with a friend but its ok for you to go away for the weekend and leave your son even though he tried to kill himself only a month ago. Unbelievable.
Absolutely this! How is this ok then?
Chonfox · 28/03/2022 00:08

Tough situation all round. I understand your obvious concern but I wouldn't be furious with your BIL here, it's a huge responsibility to be left caring for a child so fragile who isn't your own.

I don't blame you for wanting/needing respite as I can't imagine the stress of having a child so desperately unwell but sadly I don't think you can go away like that again until he's more stable.

Flowers
Siepie · 28/03/2022 00:34

Before you left, did BIL agree to be on 24/7 suicide watch, supervising DS all day? If so, he should have done as agreed. But if he didn't, you can't blame him for allowing a 17 year old to see his friends.

I was suicidal as a teenager, under a psychiatrist (before CAMHS existed) and I didn't have to stay with a parent all day every day. Do you never allow DS to see friends or be on his own? You can't hold BIL to higher standards than you hold yourself.

Newtonred · 28/03/2022 00:39

I don’t give a dam if you have not had a break in ages you don’t leave your suicidal child with a relative. You can’t go away and then blame your BiL for letting your son see his friends.

PingPages · 28/03/2022 00:47

I’m sorry but the fact that you’ve barely been away from him his whole life doesn’t really excuse both parents leaving him for a weekend a month after a suicide attempt….. you left full responsibility with BIL and you have no right being furious at him for acting in what he believes is DS’s best interests since you aren’t even there.

PegasusReturns · 28/03/2022 00:49

Yeah you’re being unreasonable.

Presumably your fury at BIL, is in fact misplaced anger/guilt at your own behaviour.

Booboobagins · 28/03/2022 01:07

Hi OP. My DC is often suicidal. They say exactly what your DS says. My boss at work told me her friends DC said the same.

I don't know why people feel suicide is the only option, but is this the typical reason or is it their generation? My DC says "I can't see the point in life, you have to go to school, you then work like a dog and might never make enough money to live, you retire for a few years and die. What's the point?"

Has anyone come across talk like this on social nedia????

Maybe if we can amass enough knowledge between us, we can collectively change a whole generations thoughts about the value of living.....

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/03/2022 01:08

You are not furious with him, you are projecting your guilt onto him.

You went away, DS confessed further suicidal thoughts and you were on a jolly. So rather than accept that you shouldnt have gone away a few short weeks after he tried to take his own life, you are blaming your BIL.

Shame on you.

BasiliskStare · 28/03/2022 01:30

My honest opinion is that you either trust someone enough to leave your son with or you don't. I do not mean that to sound harsh. But if you trust DBIL's judgement - that is what you have done ( if you specifically said DS was not to go out - different point - but I still stand by you have to trust people's judgement when you are leaving DCs with them , otherwise don't do it. )

I hope all is well

Monty27 · 28/03/2022 01:52

Do you think it was helpful to farm your ds out at this critical stage of his mental wellness?
I hope your bil reads you the riot act on your return.

Cakecakecheese · 28/03/2022 07:08

If you posted saying would you be unreasonable for leaving your son with a reliable relative and supportive friends then you would probably have got more supportive responses than you are for being furious with someone who is doing you a humongous favour.

WhatNoRaisins · 28/03/2022 07:20

You need to remember that you left him with BIL because this is someone you trust. It's not going to be possible for him to run all decisions past you and you need to decide if you're ok with that.

forlornlorna · 28/03/2022 07:43

My dd has mental health problems. She tried to take her life twice during the first part of the pandemic. Having friends helped a lot. Having a social life is something I'd encourage. Mine could only interact online or phone at the time. But I'd of let her go out with friends. Obviously her friends knew the situation. Just a bit if time interacting in a normal teenage way is healthy.

I think you know leaving your child so soon after an attempt was selfish. And that guilt you are feeling now is being projected at your bil. Your bil sounds great btw. I wish we'd had some support when our child was unwell.

Like many many have already said, when you left your dc with your bil you must have really trusted him to care for them. So you are going to have to trust his decision.

It's great you dc can open up and be honest with their uncle. Even about such serious feelings. That open line of communication could one day save your child from doing something to themselves. So please think of that before you think of confronting your bil and possibly causing a rift. Or making your child feel like they've done something to upset the family.

Best of luck

TheMarvelousMrsMaisel · 28/03/2022 07:46

Or maybe instead of putting yourselves first you should of put your child first and stayed home?
Awful to put that on your BIL.

Moodycow78 · 28/03/2022 07:50

Not judging you over going away Tbh if you thought it was safe to do so but YABVU to have expected your BIL to do differently to what he's done. If DS needs to be constantly supervised you need to get home to do it.

Moodycow78 · 28/03/2022 07:52

How is he OP? I hope he's ok, you've not had the best time on this board I appreciate 💐

Brefugee · 28/03/2022 07:54

I mean, I think it was a lot to put on BIL to have DS for the weekend only a month after such an event.

in a similar situation i insisted on working from home until i could safely leave my DC without worrying constantly. 4 years later I work a few random days at home per week and it's getting better. But at that stage? i was literally sleeping on the floor, first in their room and then outside the room and then with my door open.

You're being overly harsh on BIL and if i were you i wouldn't be relying on him for favours in the future. And you not having gone away for 17 years is neither here nor there. You have put your fun before your child's mental health and didn't expect MN to be so "harsh"?

girlmom21 · 28/03/2022 08:01

Mumsnet is judgy for saying you shouldn't leave your teenager at home with a 'sort of' relative when he tried to kill himself a month ago but you're fine to say said 'sort of' relative should've forced him to stay in the house when he had a chat with him and felt ok?

Don't you think that's quite unfair?

skippy67 · 28/03/2022 08:05

@Barneysma2

So you are annoyed with BIL for letting your son go out with a friend but its ok for you to go away for the weekend and leave your son even though he tried to kill himself only a month ago. Unbelievable.
Exactly.
Piggy42 · 28/03/2022 08:16

I think emotions are understandably running very high, so I’d try to remember your bil was doing you a favour and what he thought was best. I hope your ds is ok and you can manage to access more support for both of you.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 28/03/2022 08:27

I think it’s really unfair if you to be angry at your bil, I’m guessing this is more about you feeling guilty for needing time away and a break. But please do. It take this out in your bil, you need support right now and alienating him won’t help you or your child

Lalliella · 28/03/2022 08:38

You should be grateful to BIL not furious with him. But what were you thinking to go away and leave your suicidal son? It was a lot to put on your BIL.

lljkk · 28/03/2022 09:57

I'm furious that he's allowed him to go out

I'm actually confused about this. Would OP stay up all night watching the lad 24/7, including when he goes to toilet or shower? What level of supervision did she expect? Would OP try to get the DS into a mental health hospital?

The lad found someone (BIL) he speaks honestly to. This is golden. Don't damage that.

Lavendersquare · 28/03/2022 09:59

*@nfyz2880
I didn't think mumsnet would be so judgmental!! FYI in 17 years, the only time I've been away from DS for more than a day was a few months ago when he was away for a week, but he was with DP so I knew he'd be fine. I was a single mum and then he was diagnosed with ADHD and has behavioural issues which I wouldn't want to put on anyone else. BIL offered to have DS’ so we could go away for my birthday, which was planned months ago.

I've been there for DS for over 2 years when he's been struggling and suicidal, I've stayed up multiple times to make sure he didn't harm himself, I've fought to get him help etc etc.*

To be fair I don't think MN is being judgemental just shocked that you'd leave a troubled teen for a weekend so soon after he attempted suicide.

It may well have been a birthday treat and planned for a while but seriously I couldn't have enjoyed being away knowing my son was struggling so badly. In addition regardless of what your BIL says it was terribly unfair to put the responsibility of looking after a potentially suicidal teenager on him.

Twiglets1 · 28/03/2022 10:10

In my opinion YABU.
It would have been good for your son to spend time with his friend yesterday- it won’t ever help his mental health to be locked inside rather than spending time with people who he likes. Plus your BIL made a judgement call and he had the right to do that as you and your husband had left him in charge of your son