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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL too fully on with new baby - AIBU

100 replies

protective · 27/03/2022 19:46

I had a good relationship with my mother in law before I had my beautiful daughter, but since I had my baby 10 weeks ago I am starting to really really resent my MIL. I don't want to see her and I don't even want my baby around her anymore. I feel bad saying it, but every time I see her I get really irritated.

She is so full on with my baby and until a couple of weeks ago, i suffered particularly badly with PND and felt I wasn't bonding with my baby or being a good enough mother. During this horrible time, I watched my MIL be all over my baby and I think that's what started off my negative feelings because I was struggling with bonding and watching her act like her mum.

She's always wanting to see my baby and it feels like she thinks she has a right to see her for cuddles etc. She is so full on and is always wanting to take her for cuddles. She passes her around and is all up in her face. Even the way she talks to my daughter annoys me now because it's just constant 'hi darling, have you got a smile for _' etc. I find it hard as I'm still getting to know my baby myself and she's just all over her Sad

I guess I'm asking AIBU for not wanting my baby to be around her. I'm sure I am, but it's just really irking me

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 27/03/2022 19:47

Be less available.. How often are you pressured to see her?

Womeninblack · 27/03/2022 19:48

Yanbu to feel this way. But she is probably just very happy and obviously doesn’t know how you feel.

Specter123 · 27/03/2022 19:48

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling OP.

Kindly, do you think your feelings could be stemming from the PND?

Her wanting to see and interact with your Dd is a positive thing.

Hope things improve for you, your baby knows who her Mum is

iheartmybeachhut · 27/03/2022 19:49

What does dh say about it?

LizzoBennett · 27/03/2022 19:50

Unless you're living with her then I would suggest that she doesn't visit more than once a week. Make yourself unavailable. You're in control of your family, not your MIL.

Original poster
protective · 27/03/2022 19:50

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping
It used to be every few days, but I have started becoming less available however I feel like it's caused tension between us

@Specter123
I imagine PND does have something to do with it. I feel very very protective over her and I think worrying about whether she knows that I am her mum is adding to the negative feelings

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 27/03/2022 19:51

I would ask her to back off a bit. Be less available. Hopefully you don't live with her. Restrict her to 2-3 short visits for a few weeks. Explain to your husband what you have said here and expect him to fight your corner. If he won't the she only comes when he's home too. (And seek help from your midwife/health visitor if you are even vaguely think pnd - the sooner you get help the better)

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 27/03/2022 19:52

Does she have your mobile number? My ils never had mine. Made for a less stressful life I can tell you. Leave all the weekly meet ups to dh to arrange. He can do updates on the dc and send photos too. Start switching your phone off or tell dh to tell her it's broken. Make sure dh is home when she visits. Be honest with him. He needs to have your back.

Doglikeahorse · 27/03/2022 19:54

I could have written this myself with DC1 many years ago. All of my negative feelings were pinned on MIL to a point despite having a good relationship before. I’m not sure why I felt that way, she wasn’t really doing anything wrong but she was so excited and full on! Did you get on before?

Anyway fast forward a few months when the newborn phase had gone and I was struggling she was there to pick up the pieces, hold the baby when I needed it and entertain a toddler so I could watch an hour of normal telly a while later. She never stopped being enthusiastic even years and more DC later and as a result my DC love her to pieces.

If I could go back I wouldn’t be so mean to her. I think I was just overwhelmed. Nothing MIL , my own mum or anyone else has done or said has changed my relationship with any of my children, they all know I am their I’m mother despite having other people who love them too. It’s lovely for children to have that grandparent relationship IMO. I have a baby now and I gladly pass her over and enjoy a cuppa in peace Smile

Chickychoccyegg · 27/03/2022 19:58

I dont really read it like she's doing anything wrong, sounds like a new grandparent excited to spend time with her grandchild.
I think your pnd is affecting the way you're looking at her behaviour.
Your baby will know your mummy, so please don't worry about that, no one can take your place.
It's a good thing your baby is so loved, even if it doesn't feel like that just now.
Why are you getting irritated? Because she keeps talking to and cuddling baby? It's lovely she's excited, but it's up to you how often you see her, so do what you're comfortable with.

MyMoneyIsAllSpent · 27/03/2022 20:00

I was fiercely protective of my first born and I hated my MIL holding him. Unfortunately the circumstances that required she stay were tragic so nothing could be done. However. Although it was painful for me no harm was done in the long run. I just wanted time to get to know my baby and get used to being a family. Ty to limit visits. It will get easier.

ShowOfHands · 27/03/2022 20:00

Your MIL adores your baby with a ferocity which a lot of women find surprising when it happens to them. My MIL and mother were blindsided by the love they felt for their grandchildren and I'm utterly grateful that my dc are growing up with a family who offer them unconditional love and support.

However, I've been a fragile new mum with pnd and PTSD and know how vulnerable and overwhelmed you feel and how raw certain moments can feel. I'm lucky to be through those times and seeing them with perspective but kindly, remember the agony.

I think you need to seek some support. I wouldn't be asking MIL to back off or becoming unavailable, I'd actually be totally honest or ask my dh to do it for me. You are feeling vulnerable and need space and time and would appreciate some quiet support to heal and develop a bond with your baby. Think through what you need. Is there anything your MIL can do to help? You otherwise got on before you had a baby and this woman is a mother herself. When I was in the grips of it all, my MIL offered to do laundry for me and packed me off to a cafe once a week while she hoovered. It was bloody spectacular. She did it because she loved us.

It'll get better but don't be afraid to ask for help with getting there.

BurntEnds · 27/03/2022 20:00

The PND is tough so be kind to yourself. X

SleepingFrog · 27/03/2022 20:04

I had this issue with my first baby. In laws all very excited, MIL round a lot (and she is lovely, a wonderful woman) but I found it very unsettling constantly having people in the house. I always found they had the nice daytime/early evening cuddles and then I'd be given back my baby for bedtime and broken sleep which led to me being teary and emotional- not PND but certainly not in the happy newborn bubble that I wanted! I just wanted the nice newborn cuddles too!

In the end I went off upstairs and cried when my MIL was round; DH found me and I explained to him how I felt I was missing out on time with our baby as I was constantly expected to hand baby over. From then on MIL didn't keep dropping in on us so I assume DH asked her to give us some space and she would message ahead to ask.

I think when it's in-laws you really need your spouse to step up and back you to put your needs first. MIL can have her cuddles when you feel settled- the baby is not going to realise it has been a week/two weeks/a month between visits anyway. If she drops by, don't answer the door. If she asks to come by, perhaps meet her out for a walk or for a drink in a café instead so you can leave whenever you want. Having people in your home is hard and family don't always get the hint to leave.

User0ne · 27/03/2022 20:11

Tbh what you're describing as "too full on" is what I'd consider normal positive interaction with a small baby (I've had 3 and certainly didn't know this with number 1).

That doesn't mean you shouldn't have space from mil if that's what you need for your mental health.

Even at this early age your baby will know that you are their mum (or main caregiver- they won't understand what a "mum" is yet).

Ask your midwife/GP for help with the pnd if you haven't already. I hope you come out of the fog soon

Barneysma2 · 27/03/2022 20:11

It doesnt sound like she is doing anything wrong though? Apart from being a loving grandmother. She doesnt sound full on from what youve said. So yes YABU. I think you need to be careful because if you start making it obvious you dont want her around you could end up pushing her away and then in the future when you may need her she may not want to be around.

Cherrysoup · 27/03/2022 20:18

Some pretty unsympathetic posts here. It doesn’t matter how normal mil’s behaviour is, it is affecting a new mum who sounds well on the way to pnd.

Your dh needs to get her to back off and give you space. This needs to be on your terms, not hers.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 27/03/2022 20:19

Sorry you're feeling this way Flowers
I think you need to tell you DH and hopefully he can ask his Mum to give you all some space as a family. Your MIL is understandably excited about her new grandchild, maybe she can visit when your DH is home too if this would help.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 27/03/2022 20:20

Your MIL sounds like a lovely person who loves her grandchild. You want her to go away because you haven't bonded yet? Is it that you don't love the baby or you think the baby doesn't love you?
You want all the cuddles? Maybe MIL could sit in the corner and you just hand off the baby when it needs a diaper change or when you want a nap? Also tell her no smiling or cooing. Only mothers can do that!
It isn't your MIL who needs a change in attitude and behavior....

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 27/03/2022 20:20

I think your PND is colouring your judgment on this, everything you’ve described sounds ‘normal’ to me. I think it’s unfair to push a loving grandparent away as she makes you feel insecure.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 27/03/2022 20:20

Clouding!!

Mariposista · 27/03/2022 20:22

She is just a loving granny who is excited to have a new granddaughter! Just because the baby smiles and cuddles her granny, it doesn't mean she won't love you too!

Petsop · 27/03/2022 20:22

Sounds like she’s very loving and doting and whatever she is doing is coming from a place of love and wanting to build a relationship with your little one.

If she’s happy to fuss over the baby then take that time to have a shower, go for a walk, have a nap.

You’ll be more refreshed and focused when you are with your baby to build that bond. It’s quality time rather than quantity time with the baby then.

IlFaitBeau · 27/03/2022 20:23

There’s nothing in what you have described that sounds after me. I think this is PND clouding your judgement massively.

IlFaitBeau · 27/03/2022 20:23

Off to* me