MIL too fully on with new baby - AIBU

[protective]

I had a good relationship with my mother in law before I had my beautiful daughter, but since I had my baby 10 weeks ago I am starting to really really resent my MIL. I don't want to see her and I don't even want my baby around her anymore. I feel bad saying it, but every time I see her I get really irritated.

She is so full on with my baby and until a couple of weeks ago, i suffered particularly badly with PND and felt I wasn't bonding with my baby or being a good enough mother. During this horrible time, I watched my MIL be all over my baby and I think that's what started off my negative feelings because I was struggling with bonding and watching her act like her mum.

She's always wanting to see my baby and it feels like she thinks she has a right to see her for cuddles etc. She is so full on and is always wanting to take her for cuddles. She passes her around and is all up in her face. Even the way she talks to my daughter annoys me now because it's just constant 'hi darling, have you got a smile for _' etc. I find it hard as I'm still getting to know my baby myself and she's just all over her

I guess I'm asking AIBU for not wanting my baby to be around her. I'm sure I am, but it's just really irking me

I feel so sorry for your mil only in the world of mumsnet would a lovely caring nan who the OP has said she’s had a lovely relationship with, be vilified for being kind and caring and god forbid being affectionate with her grandchild. People would be desperate for this relationship for their baby.

I have recently had my first child and I feel you...

Practical tip: get more skin to skin via a sling or wrap top. It's a game changer

Agree PND may be clouding your judgement
However I can relate. I have a hands on DH and DM and found in weeks 1-3 i was very upset as I wasn't spending nice/bonding time with my baby.
They would take her as soon as she was settled and I was sent for a nap or shower or whatever.
It meant I only got the "bad baby bits" for the first few weeks ie feeding her which was insanely stressful, settling her when she was crying and listening to her screaming during nappy changes.

Last week I bought a fabric wrap sling and a couple of those wrap tops you put the baby down so they sit against your skin. It made it much harder for my DM to take the baby off for cuddles and meant she didn't need to offer to "hold her for a minute while you do X".
I am so much calmer and happier and feel much more connected with my baby
Get some of these wraps/slings and say skin to skin was recommended by the midwife for the baby.
No big hard conversations needed. the baby is just less available as its tied to you.

Thank you again everyone! It's good to hear everyone's opinions and I do take everyone's advice on board even if it's not what I want to hear.

With regards to kissing my baby, that's just something I feel uncomfortable with. I don't think it's hurtful to say I'd rather people didn't kiss her personally and to be honest I don't feel bad about telling anyone not to! I have OCD and only feel comfortable with myself and DP kissing her. I also just feel uncomfortable with it, but I'll never apologise for that.

@Totalwasteofpaper
I actually have a wrap so I need to start using that more! Thank you

@protective

Thank you again everyone! It's good to hear everyone's opinions and I do take everyone's advice on board even if it's not what I want to hear.

With regards to kissing my baby, that's just something I feel uncomfortable with. I don't think it's hurtful to say I'd rather people didn't kiss her personally and to be honest I don't feel bad about telling anyone not to! I have OCD and only feel comfortable with myself and DP kissing her. I also just feel uncomfortable with it, but I'll never apologise for that.

Not having a go, but I do genuinely wonder how you (and others who feel the same) will be when they're grandparents.

I think it's good you're speaking to your GP and HV because your reaction does seem a bit extreme. I can imagine your MIL being a bit full on - I've experienced that with friends in the past where it feels a bit weird but with MIL seeing you a lot, that's harder. So agree with advice that perhaps limit time with her. I'd also aim to ensure your DP is around when she is - use that time to leave DP in charge while you go for a bath or a nap so you don't have to see it.

However, you do also need to let go a little. Getting upset about a family member kissing you baby on the head IS OTT, ditto not wanting a family member to talk or coo to the baby. So the GP/HV support may be a good thing for you.

You proper can’t win if you’re a grand parent, well a grand mother specifically.

If you’re not on hand constantly if and when for childcare you’re a selfish bitch who deserves to be abandoned in her old age.

But if you’re too caring, too involved you’re seen as trying to usurp the mother and thus should be withdrawn from.

Feel so sorry for grandmothers (especially mil’s)

I completely understand how you feel.

I don't know if I had PND or not but I didn't bond with my first baby either. MIL would turn up every day unannounced (sometimes with friends) and pick her up and tell me what myDaughter liked and didn't like and how I could do certain things differently. I absolutely detested her for years. In hindsight though, some of the things she did weren't bad at all and I think the lack of bonding made me feel really insecure and as though MIL knew her better. I would go as far as to say that it felt like MIL thought she was her Mum.

It ruined my experience of being a first time Mum.

I would try and get whatever support there is out there to help you. I would also just try and bite your tongue if what she is doing/saying isn't really that bad. I know how hard it is to do but I look back at some of the things I complained about and I am soo embarrassed now.

I had my 2nd baby and bonded immediately. I knew she was my baby. My MIL was all over her too but it didn't hurt or piss me off. I knew she was mine and that I loved her so much and that no one could replace me.

So I think it probably is the PND and lack of bonding that is really clouding your judgment of her.

But just wanted to say that you are not alone. Try not to let it eat you up - I spent 2 years feeling full of anger towards MIL and I wish I hadn't let her have that effect on me.

In the newborn phase the priority should be mum and baby and supporting this bond
grandparents need to respect this and be sensitive to it/ it's a crucial time and the impact of hormones and post natal mental health is very well known and needs to be treated sensitively.
Many of us have said that In hindsight we know it's a bit irrational but maybe it's some instinctive thing to when we were having to protect our babies from sabre toothed tigers who knows?
It's not about attacking grandparents but it is a big adjustment for everyone and takes a bit of time to get used to . Understandably grandparents want to help and support but sometimes this is best done at a distance at times and it's a very fine balance. Yes it's tricky and can be upsetting but it does pass and a few months of occasional visits will not have any long term consequence to the grandparent and grandchild relationship .

The relationship with the GPs can build up again in a few months or even a year down the line. OP clearly needs time to get to grips with parenthood and be in the right headspace. The welfare of the mother and baby has to be the priority at this point.

Telling OP that she must just sit back and struggle seems unfair. Why should the MIL's welfare and relationship with the baby come first? She needs to set her boundaries and adjust them accordingly for the benefit of herself and her baby.

I still think that limiting the visits to once a week will work wonders long term. If the MIL can't understand that and is unwilling to wait to build up a relationship a little further down the line then that is her problem.

I have sons and my heart always sinks a bit reading these threads because rationally your MIL is not really doing anything wrong and you're not telling her what you'd like. My mother spent a lot of time with my sons and there was never the slightest confusion about who was "Mum". Sometimes mothers bond with their child right away - it used to worry me that I simply didn't with my first for a long time. In fact, I broke down and told my mother I thought I'd made a terrible mistake. I was so surprised when she told me that she had felt the same way about me as a baby because I was a much wanted late in life only child and I was very much loved. With my second child it was instantaneous - who knows why the difference because we can only tell their baby pictures apart by looking at the background and the clothes as they looked fairly identical as babies. That bond will come and the fact that your MIL is delighted with a grandchild is not taking away from your bond with your child.

I never met any of my grandparents and I was pleased that my children got the chance to know and love their grandparents. My youngest son used to drop in on the old people's home on his way home from school to see my mum and his paternal grandfather. My older son who is firmly an atheist sat through a religious funeral services because he loved his grandmother.

Sounds like pretty normal MIL behaviour to me. be careful you're not projecting your PND onto her, it'd be a shame to ruin a once good relationship.

I never had PND, but MIL loves your child and that’s lovely. I didn’t bond right away with my first, I just felt an overwhelming responsibility. A child can’t have too many people love them.

You say you are fine with your own family holding her, why is it different for MIL? Your DD is part of her son, she will see much of him in your DD. Mil may have felt similar to you at some point and think’s she’s helping? I think it’s easier for grandparents to bond as they have more time than we do as parents. It’s also easier for us as mums to focus off kilter emotions on in-laws because they are a step away from us. Please try to be kind to mil, whilst setting boundaries is good and taking care of yourself right now is important, she’s trying to help and you will want a good relationship for your child. Plus when you are ready, you will probably love some time to yourself/with DP and leaving dd with someone who loves them so much is a blessing. Good luck op, becoming a parent is much less easy than we are led to believe

I was like this with my first baby, in the end I made my mil turn into a nervous wreck because of my attitude...it was my very poor mental health which I hadn't accepted help for. Child number two, mil now takes care of whilst I work! I would never of predicted that 3 years ago.

You are naturally protective over your first but it's so nice to have the help, just set some simple boundaries it will take time but you will feel more comfortable.

I'm not there yet but I've decided that the boundaries I'm going to set is that of course people can visit, but that they don't automatically get to hold the baby, and if visiting to see us, not hold her, isn't good enough, then they're super welcome to wait until she's older.

I feel the exact same way about kissing. There's absolutely no reason, plenty of horrible risks, and if someone can't respect that then we have a problem.

@damnthisvirusandmarriage
My mother in law was just the same. In fact much worse. I didn’t have PND. Just had a strong radar signal for entitled pushy and thoughtless idiots who thought my boundaries were there to be knocked down.
My MIL is one of these, wanted cuddles and wouldn't give baby back when he was hungry, would not do nappies as grandma's job is the fun stuff, wanted to push the pram every time we went out, made little digs about the untidy house.
She tried to come between us but DH had strong words.

@protective your MIL may not be as bad as mine but you are entitled to have boundaries that you're comfortable with.
No one kisses our baby either, and I didn't even need to put that in place as my siblings had 4 children under 3 when our DS was born.
@Nanny0gg I don't think the no kissing rule is uncommon. If I'm lucky enough to be a gran in future I'll respect the parents' wishes.

@LittleGwyneth

I get the no whole kissing thing but why can’t someone who you know well enough to visit your house not hold a baby? Seems bizarre to plan this before baby is even here

Yes I agree with others this is pnd talking and hormones and the whole new mum situation. Please don't alienate her ...she sounds lovely and will calm down..many of us would have loved some help and attention for the baby ..this will be so useful later on !

The only time I've heard of the No Kissing rule is obviously when there are cold sores.
If the person has a cold or cough or something else they shouldn't be cuddling the baby anyway.

I suppose I don't fully understand as I had neither mother nor MiL to be involved with my children. And I miss the fact that I didn't.

Many of us have said that In hindsight we know it's a bit irrational but maybe it's some instinctive thing to when we were having to protect our babies from sabre toothed tigers who knows?

In which case we’d all be like it. I definitely wasn’t. Seeing the pleasure holding my baby gave my mum and the look of love on her face was one of the best bits of having him. Particularly since she was a baby whisperer and could calm him down when I couldn’t.

Grandma sounds like a perfectly normal, non OTT grandma. Shes not crowding you by being round every day, what she is saying is perfectly appropriate, and shes even sticking to your (totally odd in my opinion) no kissing rules.

I understand that youve had a rough time, and PND has delayed you forming the bond with your little one that you want, but your reactions speak more of jealousy than grandma doing anything wrong.

My children have grandparents that have spent a lot of time with them, and they have showered them in kisses and cuddles from day 1. My children still know who their mum is, and come to me. But they also have a good relationship with their grandparents.

Trying to stop a bond forming between your baby and grandparents will have ZERO impact in your baby's bond with you. All it means is your baby misses out in the love a grandparent can give, because of your jealousy.

@LittleGwyneth Surely you or your husband could also be harbouring germs/virus?

I actually don't like holding babies much - mine were projectile vomiters on a regular basis. Most babies feel somewhat damp to me which I find a bit offputting. Maybe when I'm a grandma though I'll just be snatching them up with love and bacteria exuding from every pore. My husband's mother didn't like the idea of being a grandmother at all and wanted the grandchildren to call her by her first name. I remember one of my children being desperately confused and saying to his father, "So you grew in Alice's tummy?" They were not confused about who their parents were though. [Name changed and apologies to any Alices.]

I think you know that you are perfectly entitled to feel this way. To put it simply, she's simply too much for you and it's making you feel very negatively towards her. She needs to rein it in but there's no-one to ask her to do this and you're at risk of this turning into a big blow-up if you don't act soon. You will always resent her if this continues and it's natural to feel differently about your in-laws than your own family who know you so much better and already have defined boundaries with.

I can understand her being over the top and wanting to express all his love for your baby. But just because this is what she wants to do, it doesn't that it's ok and it's at times like these that you realise how different families are in their behaviour. Boundaries are a complicated thing and I would probably find this intolerable unless I really knew and loved the person doing this.

Can you take control of the situation more? Can you pop over to hers with your baby and spend however long you want to there? Or can you make your time with her more useful? Would you be able to see if she wants to come shopping with you and keep an eye on your dc then? These are rubbish suggestions but I'm just trying to think of ways that you can contain her behaviour a bit more and actually use it to your advantage.

I can certainly understand being frustrated by a MIL who takes all the fun times and leaves the new mum with just nappy changes. Those MILs are incorrect. To some extent, yes, grandparents do get to do fun things, like spoil their grandchildren and not have to have teacher conferences or make the children do homework. When the children are older. But the new baby smell, baby cuddles, and baby gazes, those are actually FOR the mum. They exist to induce bonding between the mum and the baby. Their purpose is for the mother-baby relationship; any benefit to a grandmother is merely a pleasant byproduct of their main function. So a MIL who interferes with mother-baby bonding by removing the baby every time the baby is fun, is failing at MIL'ing (IMO). Also, caring for a new baby is so hard and so tiring, that a mum really needs to have the sweet and fun times to get through it. So a MIL who keeps taking the baby off the mother is being very selfish.

To some extent, the same will be true at any time as your child gets older: there will be really hard times, and mothers are usually the ones who see the hardest times - the frantic midnight trips to the hospital with a fever, the terrible twos, the terrible threes, the terrible fours (you get the picture), the terrible thirteens (ok I just had to get that one in), etc. And to get through all that, you need to set a boundary that allows you to enjoy the GOOD times to, and not let grandparents take all the fun parts for themselves.

But I didn't get the impression your MIL is doing that? She sounds like she's in the right range of frequency of visiting, especially as you say it doesn't bother you if your own mum does the same. You didn't have a virgin birth, I'm guessing, so letting your husband's mother bond with the baby as your own mother is doing, seems reasonable to me.