MIL too fully on with new baby - AIBU

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I had a good relationship with my mother in law before I had my beautiful daughter, but since I had my baby 10 weeks ago I am starting to really really resent my MIL. I don't want to see her and I don't even want my baby around her anymore. I feel bad saying it, but every time I see her I get really irritated.

She is so full on with my baby and until a couple of weeks ago, i suffered particularly badly with PND and felt I wasn't bonding with my baby or being a good enough mother. During this horrible time, I watched my MIL be all over my baby and I think that's what started off my negative feelings because I was struggling with bonding and watching her act like her mum.

She's always wanting to see my baby and it feels like she thinks she has a right to see her for cuddles etc. She is so full on and is always wanting to take her for cuddles. She passes her around and is all up in her face. Even the way she talks to my daughter annoys me now because it's just constant 'hi darling, have you got a smile for _' etc. I find it hard as I'm still getting to know my baby myself and she's just all over her

I guess I'm asking AIBU for not wanting my baby to be around her. I'm sure I am, but it's just really irking me

Thank you for everyone's opinions and advice.

It sounds really awful because I don't have a problem with my family holding her but I really do have an issue with my mother-in-law. She is a lovely person, but I told her how I was feeling about struggling bonding with my daughter and watching her be all in my daughters face and kissing her really wound me up when I was feeling my lowest. I don't feel as mentally drained from PND, but I do believe that these feelings stem from it.

As I mentioned above, my mother-in-law used to kiss my baby on the head and this used to really annoy me but I felt uncomfortable telling her not to. After much convincing, I managed to get my DP to tell her that I feel uncomfortable with it.

I feel now that if I don't explain how I'm feeling then I'm never going to get over this and it will just bubble and bubble up until I snap. My partner isn't willing to say anything because he doesn't want to upset MIL but I am struggling with my mental health. I am a relatively young mum at 22 and this is all new to me so I'm still finding my feet and learning how to set boundaries

Sorry you’re feeling crappy but you’re being totally unreasonable. Be grateful she’s actually bothered about having a relationship with her grandchild and is making an effort.

If it’s really bothering you can you tell your husband how you feel so he can have a gentle word with her. I remember finding it all quite overwhelming and I felt like other people were better with my baby than I was. But I’d have given my right arm to have had a mother in law that was engaged with us and my baby. It sounds like her enthusiasm just needs channeling in a slighter gentler direction.

Is it worth you seeing your gp.

PND is awful so I’m sorry you are going through that. As your child gets older you’ll see how precious and important people who love them so much are and you might be grateful for your MIL. She doesn’t sound over bearing, she sounds like a besotted grandmother.

@GeorgiaGirl52
Thank you for your very sympathetic post. I assume you're lucky enough to have never felt this way, so I'm very happy for you.
I don't need an attitude change, I need help with my mental health and space to find my feet. I already suffered with my mental health and the strain and stress of motherhood obviously adds onto this.

Have a great night

Also I have an appointment to discuss MH with my GP booked and a HV appointment tomorrow where I will mention this.

It sounds like she is excited and happy to have a new grandchild. It's your baby but also her babies baby and part of her family. Are you getting support for the post natal depression?

I'd reduce visits if she's making you feel worse, there's no point in making yourself feel bad for the sake of someone else. I think when a baby arrives mils and even some mums can be overbearing, I always think its easier to deal with your own mum than your mil, far easier to say "mum I need some time to myself with the baby" without her taking offence. I'd make yourself less available and if she questions it just say you need some space, you could visit every other weekend at her house so you still see her but it isnt constant and on your terms, you can then decide when you'd had enough and leave.

@Specter123

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling OP.

Kindly, do you think your feelings could be stemming from the PND?

Her wanting to see and interact with your Dd is a positive thing.

Hope things improve for you, your baby knows who her Mum is

This.

Sorry OP, it sounds like normal granny behaviour.

It's really hard adjusting to being a mum, especially with PND. Your DD will be in no doubt as to who is her mummy, she adores you before all others because all babies love their mothers best.

@iheartmybeachhut
DP agrees that she is too much and gets equally irritated but he doesn't want to tell her how we feel in case it upsets her.

I'll add that I am actually very very appreciative of my MIL. She is lovely and I know she has every good intention but I just am trying to navigate my boundaries. I don't find her annoying as a person, it's just I am fiercely protective and I guess slightly insecure about my bond with my baby. The past week or two I have started to really bond so it's all fresh still. I am very aware that I do have an issue, but equally I believe I should be able to ask for space etc

That’s her grandchild she’s not doing anything wrong. I hope you are receiving support for your PND. Hopefully it doesn’t last x

OP I’m so sorry to hear you are struggling. It’s great you’ve realised your feelings have stemmed from PND and are therefore possibly not what you would be feeling normally. Also the fact you say you have a good relationship with her normally goes to show that this is a temporary thing brought on by having a new baby.

I think you have to try to find a way to protect your own feelings without hurting your MIL. A few months/years down the line you will be so glad of it. Perhaps get your partner to have a chat with her and be honest but kind about it. Would it help if she focussed more on you than the baby when she comes? If so get your DH to speak to her and say you are feeling insecure about bonding so maybe she could come and support you having time with her. So make you tea and do any washing up etc

Feeling protective is normal, feeling super protective however was a sign of my PND.

A really proper conversation with your MIl is needed really, she may not be aware of how she is behaving, as often, Grand mothers can go over the top with their swampy ways with a baby, they mean well, but dont think about how it makes you feel. Talking to her about things that get to you, is better than curtailing her visits at any time. She may not like what you say to her,, but you are in charge with how you want things to be with your baby.

It doesn't matter how nice she, or how much she loves this baby. What matters is that she needs to take a step back and give you time to learn how to be a mum.

Either you or your husband needs to have a word.

[quote protective]@iheartmybeachhut
DP agrees that she is too much and gets equally irritated but he doesn't want to tell her how we feel in case it upsets her.

I'll add that I am actually very very appreciative of my MIL. She is lovely and I know she has every good intention but I just am trying to navigate my boundaries. I don't find her annoying as a person, it's just I am fiercely protective and I guess slightly insecure about my bond with my baby. The past week or two I have started to really bond so it's all fresh still. I am very aware that I do have an issue, but equally I believe I should be able to ask for space etc[/quote]
I think it's good to have boundaries. Will the boundaries be the same for everyone?

Eg I don't let anyone kiss my kids.

Sounds like you have a DP problem.

He is putting MILs feelings above your current needs.

Does your baby take a bottle? Would it be better for you to go for a lay down/test when MIL pops in so you don't have to witness her enthusiasm?

@Whatever00
No one kisses my baby! If they go they are swiftly asked not to

do*

I’ve had this , mil trying to soothe crying baby when I’m sitting there I had knots in my stomach at the time but I was so vunerable with PND & also PTSD i couldn’t say anything. When I look back she was just trying to help but there were many moments like this that me feel rage at the time. I also did not want anyone touching my baby or holding them or “passing around” I thought they were all trying to take him away from me. I was physically ill after birth and severely sleep deprived, baby had toungue tie my nipples were bleeding -I had three lots of horrendous mastitis but I persevered with breastfeeding all because I thought as soon as he was bottle fed he would get taken away from me and in-laws and family would all want to feed him and I didn’t want anyone touching him.

I was very unwell, sounds like yours feelings are to do with the PND are you having treatment or therapy ? Hopefully things will improve for you soon it’s not your fault xx

Oh ffs just speak to her.

First, OP, I'm really glad you're asking for help, because this is such a hard stage, especially with your first. I look back on it and see myself almost as in shell shock, to be honest - I'd had a crap birth and then went home with this baby that I had no idea what to do with and it was A LOT.

I also remember finding my MIL quite overwhelming, much like you're describing - I hated the way it seemed like she was always in DD's face and constantly wanting to hold her and take her away from me. It really, really wound me up.

BUT.

I look back - now DD's 3 - and see someone who was so excited about her first grandchild, and who also has an immense love of babies and children in general, and find it easier to understand why she was like that. We still don't necessarily agree on the joys of parenting small children - I couldn't WAIT to get back to work, for example - but a bit of distance and fewer hormones and less anxiety rushing around me have really helped. She and DD have such a lovely relationship and, selfishly, I think it'll really help when DC2 comes along because she will still make a big fuss over DD (and probably over DC2, as well, much as she did with DD).

It's hard to know at the moment if your MIL's actually going to turn out to just trample all over your boundaries or if this is actually something that it might be better to view as a long game - something worth accepting for the payoff of your DC's relationship with their grandparent - but I am really glad, in hindsight, that I didn't put my foot down, because I now consider her one of my greatest allies and assets when it comes to my DC. If you do normally get on well with your MIL, I'd suggest approaching it like that initially - there's time to revise your approach later if it turns out that you need to, but no harm done if not

I felt a lot like this when I had my baby. I felt like everybody was trying to be his mum and trying to make him love them more than me. It was a horrible time full of anxiety and resentment. And actually with hindsight, I was the problem. I was so insecure that my baby didn’t love me that I resented anybody else (in my opinion) trying to get too close to my baby!
I wanted to be my baby’s whole world and I couldn’t see that there was room for anybody else in his world.
It all came from my own PNA and insecurity and now, I cherish his relationships with others. I recognise the value of him having other people in his life that he loves and who love him. I still have wobbles where I panic that people are trying to ‘be his favourite’ (so childish of me, I know) but on the whole, I can see that his family just love him because they’re his family (and he’s amazing!)
I wonder if this is similar for you as there’s nothing specific in your OP that makes her seem like she’s purposely treading on your toes.
I hope you have good support around you.
I really hope this hasn’t been dismissive, that’s absolutely not my intention, I just recognised similar feelings and thought it could potentially be down to PNA and if so, there’s nothing wrong with that but it’s important to seek help because it’s a horrible, exhausting illness and it takes away so much joy and happiness from those early days.
Congratulations on your baby and Happy Mother’s Day!

@username9871028

That’s her grandchild she’s not doing anything wrong. I hope you are receiving support for your PND. Hopefully it doesn’t last x

I think statements like 'it's her grandchild' are a little insensitive to a new mum as your hormones can make you feel quite overprotective and especially when you're extablisgjnh that bond with your first baby it's probably not the best thing to focus on . That's the kind of thing my mil said to dh when he asked her to back off a bit and it made me feel even more resentful (unfairly now I know but at the time it made me feel like mil was trying to claim possession of the baby In some way. These feelings will pass op and definitely get some support from hv and gp. Try to focus on the positives when mil comes to visit (twice a week is plenty of visits I think ) and see if there's something practical she can help with as she genuinely is probably wanting to help .

I'm very sorry you're struggling.
I'm not a grandmother but I have several friends who are and they have even more of a delight in their grandchildren than they did in their own children. I have one friend whose DIL put all sorts of strictures in place for when and where she could see her granddaughter that she never had for her own family. Their relationship never really recovered as there was always a hurt and a resentment. She was a fabulous grandmother and put herself out to help all her children so much.
If you're going to address it, try and be gentle because really she's just being a happy, loving grandma.

It sounds like she just loves her grandchild