Page 3 | MIL too fully on with new baby - AIBU

Chippingin2 · 27/03/2022 22:31

Sorry you're feeling like this. If it helps to have a different perspective, I also had PND and a MIL who was natural with the baby. But I went low self-esteem with it instead of hating her - I basically just wanted her to take him because she was better anyway.

BUT - actually watching her helped me learn how to 'fake it till you make it'. I tried out saying some of the baby talk and being affectionate and copied in private. I'd say it took 8 months until it became natural and only when he became a toddler did I start to relax and truly enjoy our relationship. I loved DC2 immediately, but it took me a long time to learn to be a mother.

Hopefully it won't be as hard for you, but PND is a tricky thing

Original poster

protective · 27/03/2022 22:32

@LethargeMarg
I ageee that saying 'it's her grandchild' is not the most effective at the moment! Whenever someone says that I want to turn round and say 'yes but it's my child' which I know sounds so pathetic but I'm clearly very insecure

Thank you @moonbedazzled, that's helpful. I am trying so hard not to set rigid boundaries or any 'rules' as such because I genuinely like my MIL and don't want any issues at all. I have to address it but I will say it gently

OP posts:

PinkSyCo · 27/03/2022 22:33

You are jealous of the bond between your baby and her nan’s because it seems stronger than the bond you have with your DD. When your bond is stronger you will hopefully feel less threatened and less hostile towards your MIL and normal relationships can resume.

Original poster

protective · 27/03/2022 22:33

@BorderlineBob
I really do relate with how you were feeling

OP posts:

caecilius1 · 27/03/2022 22:38

Sympathies OP, sounds overwhelming if this is multiple times a week. Definitely cut it back to no more than 2 x weekly.
Ignore the spectacularly nasty & unhelpful post from @GeorgiaGirl52. What a dick

damnthisvirusandmarriage · 27/03/2022 22:38

Ya can’t necessarily blame PND on this. It’s the easy ‘excuse,’ for want of a better word.

I think these feelings are deeper, more instinctual. And there’s a reason for it ringing alarm bells.

My mother in law was just the same. In fact much worse. I didn’t have PND. Just had a strong radar signal for entitled pushy and thoughtless idiots who thought my boundaries were there to be knocked down.

Don’t ignore those feelings.

Falma · 27/03/2022 22:49

OMG!! So resonant OP. Had my baby a few months ago, and I couldn't understand it, and I fought so hard with feeling bad. I was happy with my mum holding and snuggling and spending time with him, but should have this riding panic with my MIL (whom I love so much!)

I mentioned it to DH, and my mum and shared a version of his I felt with MIL - so that I'd feel less ashamed.

No PND here, but please don't feel bad. I think it's a normal thing that can happen.

*I sometimes felt like I wanted to snatch my boy away and just go home

For me, after about the months the panicky feeling started to recede and as time went on I found myself really loving my MIL's live for my boy.

As much as you're comfortable, share how you feel, that you're vulnerable, that is all still new (forth trimester).

Enlist your DH's help.

(Much easier said than done, but) when you walk into her home, or she to yours, day something like 'little over is so excited that you're here and she's very comfortable here, so going to stay with me."

I hope things ease.

Pay no mind to those people who are being snarky on here. Your feelings are real and valid. Having a baby can be a massive sick that takes getting used to. Each in their own time.

ButtockUp · 27/03/2022 22:51

It's natural to hunker down with your new baby but please remember that your baby is equally your parents' grandchild as well as your partner's parents' grandchild.

I appreciate that this may not sit well with you right now.

FortniteBoysMum · 27/03/2022 22:53

I think it's time for a conversation with your husband. Explain to him that you feel after suffering with pnd you need some quality time with your baby to bond. See if he will talk to his mum about only popping by when his home and its convenient for you both, but only for short periods. If he can't man up and tell his mum you need space(I'm not saying his one but some mummy's boys just cannot tell their mothers no) then you may have to ask if she can reduce visits or suggest maybe she visits on this day each week between these times. In other words letting her know you need space.

GodspeedJune · 27/03/2022 23:40

Can you get snuggled up with baby on you or in a sling? You shouldn’t feel you have to hand your DD over like pass the parcel. When my nephews were tiny newborns I didn’t even want to hold them - I knew they’d be happiest with their mum and I was happy to just see them. There’s a lifetime of interaction ahead for your MIL and DD as she grows up, for now there’s nothing wrong with listening to your instincts to keep her close to you.

SpringsSprung · 27/03/2022 23:47

@protective

I had a good relationship with my mother in law before I had my beautiful daughter, but since I had my baby 10 weeks ago I am starting to really really resent my MIL. I don't want to see her and I don't even want my baby around her anymore. I feel bad saying it, but every time I see her I get really irritated.

She is so full on with my baby and until a couple of weeks ago, i suffered particularly badly with PND and felt I wasn't bonding with my baby or being a good enough mother. During this horrible time, I watched my MIL be all over my baby and I think that's what started off my negative feelings because I was struggling with bonding and watching her act like her mum.

She's always wanting to see my baby and it feels like she thinks she has a right to see her for cuddles etc. She is so full on and is always wanting to take her for cuddles. She passes her around and is all up in her face. Even the way she talks to my daughter annoys me now because it's just constant 'hi darling, have you got a smile for _' etc. I find it hard as I'm still getting to know my baby myself and she's just all over her

I guess I'm asking AIBU for not wanting my baby to be around her. I'm sure I am, but it's just really irking me

I'm sorry you're struggling. I can very much relate to PND and In Law issues. However can you give some more descriptive examples of what she's saying & doing? It's just that her saying things like "Hi darling, have you got a smile for...." isn't really a full on thing to say to a baby of your DD's age when they've just started smiling. I would say that example alone, is pretty normal.

I'm only saying this, as my PND altered my perception on a lot of things and caused me to resent everyone and push all the people closest to me, away.

Nanny0gg · 27/03/2022 23:48

[quote protective]@Whatever00
No one kisses my baby! If they go they are swiftly asked not to[/quote]
Is that because of covid?

SpringsSprung · 27/03/2022 23:55

@protective

Thank you for everyone's opinions and advice.

It sounds really awful because I don't have a problem with my family holding her but I really do have an issue with my mother-in-law. She is a lovely person, but I told her how I was feeling about struggling bonding with my daughter and watching her be all in my daughters face and kissing her really wound me up when I was feeling my lowest. I don't feel as mentally drained from PND, but I do believe that these feelings stem from it.

As I mentioned above, my mother-in-law used to kiss my baby on the head and this used to really annoy me but I felt uncomfortable telling her not to. After much convincing, I managed to get my DP to tell her that I feel uncomfortable with it.

I feel now that if I don't explain how I'm feeling then I'm never going to get over this and it will just bubble and bubble up until I snap. My partner isn't willing to say anything because he doesn't want to upset MIL but I am struggling with my mental health. I am a relatively young mum at 22 and this is all new to me so I'm still finding my feet and learning how to set boundaries

May I ask why you feel uncomfortable with your MIL kissing her on the head? With kindness, that is incredibly strange. I could understand not kissing baby on the lips or cheeks due to the cold sore virus risk but the head? OP please remember that this is your daughter's Grandmother! She will love your baby with a passion and will have an urge to kiss her lots like you do. In my personal opinion I think that's very cruel and hurtful. Though I respect that it's entirely yours & your husband's decision

Nanny0gg · 27/03/2022 23:55

All these grandmothers were mothers once.

Do you really think they've forgotten how they felt at the time?
Do you really not think that mostly what they do is just instinct? I adored cuddling my grandchildren. And I was never stopped from kissing their heads or their cheeks. I was there to help so if the baby was refusing to settle for the parents I would pace and rock just to give them a break. And no, I didn't withhold them from their mothers when it was time to give them back.

You feel how you feel, whether that's just you or PND but please don't distance yourselves and break off bonds with the grandparents which you may never get back. None of this sounds malicious or overbearing but if you only want a visit once a week or whatever then that is reasonable to establish

Chonfox · 27/03/2022 23:58

You're (understandably) overwhelmed by this huge huge adjustment and while I completely understand you're feelings, from what you wrote here you are being a little irrational (but again I remember similar feelings at your stage so I do get it!)

She sounds like a doting grandmother and I really wouldn't push her away as she will be invaluable to you over the coming years when you get out of this newborn fog/sleep deprivation/bonding worries phase and get some perspective.

Practically Everyone irritated the shit out of me when my DD was a baby. It's common and it will pass so just hold you tongue for now.

LikeABreathRipplingBy · 28/03/2022 00:18

You've got PND, you'll be sleep deprived, probably still got hormones bubbling all over the place. Add into the mix the fact you're a first time mum and maybe don't have much support from other mums from antenatal due to covid?
I'm not surprised you are struggling.
Does your mil know you have PND? Could you tell her you just need some time alone with the baby to bond for a few weeks? Could you get some support from the midwives or HV so you have their authority behind you when you ask for some space?
Can you focus MIL's energy on jobs that will help you so she still feels like she is part of the team?
But the most important thing to do is get your DH on board to help you get some space. Maybe the midwife could have a talk to him about being more supportive? He needs to get his act together.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 28/03/2022 00:23

I went through this too on my first newborn I developed a turn off MIL.

When she gave advice it angered me.

It did pass with some space, it's hard to believe that I felt like that.

We're close, we live 100 miles apart now, the DC adore her.

Ask DH to speak to her, she may have felt the same way about her MIL, give her a reminder that a new mum needs some space.

Ozanj · 28/03/2022 00:23

You need to tell her you have pnd and steer her towards jobs that are helpful rather than taking you away from your baby.

toomuchlaundry · 28/03/2022 00:26

Did you used to see her every few days before you had your baby. MIL lives quite a distance from us (as did my parents) when we first had DS. We used to see them every few months, I couldn’t have coped with every few days, no matter how good a relationship I had with them. Add in PND and I would have been a wreck

MissRalux · 28/03/2022 00:30

I completely understand where you're coming from. My MIL, God rest her soul as now is no longer with us, was a lovely lady but she completely took over in some ways when I had my son. Unfortunately we lived with my in laws until my son was 9mo. I felt she didn't give me the chance to be his mum, she wouldn't giving me the space. So I felt I missed out in some way. But I agree with the suggestions on here, just tell her that you're still adjusting to having a baby and you need some space. Also tell her you'll call her when it's convenient for you to have her around. I would set some boundaries now tbh before it becomes an issue.

WoolyMammoth55 · 28/03/2022 00:36

Hi OP, I'm sorry for what you're experiencing and very sorry for some of the mean-spirited responses you've got.

Having a new baby for the first time is super-hard for a lot of women and your feelings are valid and you deserve unconditional support - from your partner, your MIL and (in a perfect world) even the posters here...

What has your MIL said in response to what you've said to her so far? I'm not sure if I missed something...

What it comes down to is: your baby will thrive if you are thriving. Getting help from the GP/HV is important but your partner should also be supporting you above any other considerations at this point.

If what you need is for her to visit max 2 times per week, and perhaps for her to sit with baby and your partner while you shower or sleep, so that she's helping you, rather than just getting her own needs met, then put that into words.

Nothing that you need for your wellbeing at this time is unreasonable. You need support to be well and happy so that you can have a well and happy baby.

Any loving grandmother should be able to get their head around this and support you. If they love their grandchild then they want what is best for the child, and that's for the mum to be thriving.

Best of luck and all best wishes - promise it does get easier! xx

Lovingeveryrainbow · 28/03/2022 00:40

YABU - I agree with PP who say the PND may be clouding your judgement. Your LO loves you more than anyone else and could never mix you up with anyone else. You're enough...but it takes a village. Don't push MIL away - there's something so special about the GP-GC relationship - it's so lovely to see your child being cherished.

Good luck

aloris · 28/03/2022 01:02

Babies do know who their parents are, even if a grandmother spends some time holding them. Really, they do. MILs (and mothers of the mother) do sometimes take over, and interfere with the mother's bonding with the baby. And if you can describe specific things you observe, we might be able to help you determine if your MIL is interfering with your bond with the baby, taking over areas that are rightfully yours, etc. But her just being there sometimes and cuddling the baby is not going to interfere with your bond.

User310 · 28/03/2022 01:09

In the nicest way possible way op, I think you are being unreasonable.How a grandmother bonds with their grandchild is irrelevant to how a parent does. It doesn’t make you any less of a good mother. I think she is just excited to have a grandchild and loves to be around them.

You could say you’re having an off couple of weeks and just limit it to once a week for a while until you feel better though.

oakleaffy · 28/03/2022 01:12

[quote protective]@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping
It used to be every few days, but I have started becoming less available however I feel like it's caused tension between us

@Specter123
I imagine PND does have something to do with it. I feel very very protective over her and I think worrying about whether she knows that I am her mum is adding to the negative feelings[/quote]
Of COURSE your baby knows you are her Mum!
You will smell very different to MIL.

Babies know who their own mothers are.

I understand your protectiveness, and sadly got irritated by my own MIL at that time.

It will pass.