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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers' Day in Tears

95 replies

Goldduck · 27/03/2022 17:41

My DH knows that I'm sentimental and really value days like this. I'd say we generally share childcare equally if our DS who is 3 but I do manage the mental load and most of the house admin, cleaning and cooking etc I'm part time and happy to do this as long as its appreciated. My DH got up today and and I had lie in. I had a shower at half 8 and DH still hadn't given DS any breakfast. I asked yesterday if he'd made bacon sandwiches for us all, he didn't. I then had to prompt him to book our day out that I had to think of as always. The house was a mess when I went downstairs and he clearly just been lounging on the couch all morning. I want bothered about presents but he knows how much cards mean to me. I'm so upset that instead of making me a card with our DS this morning and breakfast he just lay on the couch thinking of himself. He said he doesn't care about Mothers' Day when I explained to him why I was upset. I can't stop crying. AIBU?

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 27/03/2022 17:45

Second or 3rd thread I've seen like this today.

Hes made it clear he doesn't care and wont do anything. Arrange a day for yourself. And do nothing for fathers day. Flowers

catmg · 27/03/2022 17:46

YABU for not being able to stop crying

YANBU for being annoyed at the total lack of effort made by your husband. But crying about it isn't going to change things.

Try to salvage what's left of the day with your child.

Original poster
Goldduck · 27/03/2022 17:49

I will do though because my DS's little face lights up when he has gifts and cards for the people he loves. I don't want to be in a marriage where we don't celebrate one another. I just don't understand how anyone could be so selfish and not feel any really guilt.

OP posts:
Whatever00 · 27/03/2022 17:49

He is a selfish fucker. He doesn't care about mothers day but you do. Why do his feelings trump yours?

I'm sorry your having a shit day. Maybe do something special with you child another day. Also remember on fathers day and his birthday that these days aren't important to him.

Notimeforaname · 27/03/2022 17:50

I will do though because my DS's little face lights up when he has gifts and cards for the people he loves. I don't want to be in a marriage where we don't celebrate one another

Well you're setting yourself up for disappointment again if you do things for him. Hes said hes not into it. So hes not going to make the effort sadly.

WizzardPjs · 27/03/2022 17:51

“I can’t stop crying” is a bit much

However, make sure you do absolutely fuck all on Father’s Day. Don’t even acknowledge it.

cptartapp · 27/03/2022 17:52

Don't have any more DC with him. And consider your future.

Original poster
Goldduck · 27/03/2022 17:52

@Whatever00

He is a selfish fucker. He doesn't care about mothers day but you do. Why do his feelings trump yours?

I'm sorry your having a shit day. Maybe do something special with you child another day. Also remember on fathers day and his birthday that these days aren't important to him.

We still went out and it was a lovely day with our DS and we all had fun together. My heart just sank the moment we got back in the car. I just felt like I do so much and work hard and make a lovely home for us all. I am happy to do this but I expect to be appreciated for it everyday and special days like today. I just don't feel like he understands how he's made me feel.
OP posts:
KarmaStar · 27/03/2022 17:53

Try not to be in tears you will upset your ds.
Well you know where you stand now op,what do you want to do about it?
If he is always selfish and disregards your feelings do you want to remain with him?
If it's just mothers day,(what's happened about his dm has that got any reflection on his attitude)? Then next year do something just you and ds.🌈

NorthStarRising · 27/03/2022 17:53

He doesn’t need to care about Mothers’ day, he needs to care about you and the things that matter to you.

MissyB1 · 27/03/2022 17:55

Well you could try explaining to him that it’s not about him wanting to celebrate Mother’s Day, but it’s actually about you and ds. You could also explain that in a marriage the idea is to do nice things for each other, that making an effort is part and parcel of it all. Make it clear that he has let you and ds down by being a selfish lazy git. If he isn’t remorseful then you will have to make sure his birthday is totally ignored.

Original poster
Goldduck · 27/03/2022 17:56

@cptartapp

Don't have any more DC with him. And consider your future.
We won't be having any more. I just don't understand how someone can enjoy lazing about knowing the implication will be upsetting the person you have built a life with. I'm not some meek and mild partner who puts up and shuts up, I always say if things are not right. He will have known how I would react. Apparently, he was planning on making a card later on (If I'm still bothered...).
OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 27/03/2022 17:56

He probably doesn't understand how you feel but that's because he told you he doesn't care about it.

He wont suddenly start caring about special days or sentimental stuff.

Even if you force him to do things it will always feel just that,forced and not nice.

Either resign yourself to the fact that this is who you married or leave and find someone who marks occasions like this more. Dont sit and cry about it.

Original poster
Goldduck · 27/03/2022 18:00

@KarmaStar

Try not to be in tears you will upset your ds. Well you know where you stand now op,what do you want to do about it? If he is always selfish and disregards your feelings do you want to remain with him? If it's just mothers day,(what's happened about his dm has that got any reflection on his attitude)? Then next year do something just you and ds.🌈
I only cried around my DS when he told me there was no card and pretended and hurt myself being clumsy. He's gone out now with him for a bit. He's selfish when he's feeling tired and overwhelmed but generally very kind and loving. However, there was do reason for his behaviour this morning. I do want to stay, I just wish today had been different. I feel so resentful and don't know how or when I'll stop.
OP posts:
Natty13 · 27/03/2022 18:01

I am happy to do this but I expect to be appreciated for it everyday and special days like today. I just don't feel like he understands how he's made me feel.

A tale as old as time unfortunately. Take it from someone who has BTDT, the ONLY way he will "get it" is if you stop making such an effort. It will be hard for you, it was for me, esp if you are someone who is warm and generous and loving (which you sound) however if you don't things won't really get better and it will just be miserable for longer. He will learn to appreciate you pretty bloody quickly if you force yourself to stop making an effort.

Momo18 · 27/03/2022 18:01

Yanbu. Your feelings matter, he knows this is important to you, he can say he doesn't care about father's Day but he does get to think for you and decide mother's Day isn't important. It's called 'mother's'Day for a reason!

Porcupineintherough · 27/03/2022 18:02

So going forward:

You ignore Father's Day (and his birthday if he's similarly shit about birthdays).
Next year you make a card with ds, a few days ahead, so he has something to enjoy giving you. And you plan a special day out, just the 2 of you.

Bring your ds up to appreciate you and soon he'll be doing it off his own bat, useless father or no.

Cakecakecheese · 27/03/2022 18:02

@NorthStarRising

He doesn’t need to care about Mothers’ day, he needs to care about you and the things that matter to you.
This. Tbh it doesn't sound like it's just about mother's day. It's more about not feeling appreciated in general. You can try saying how you feel but often people like this don't change.
MissRalux · 27/03/2022 18:03

I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I also can relate. I came home this morning after a night shift. Being woken up by DH coming in and out of the house as he's doing DIY. I've had a card and flowers but only after I reminded him that today is Mother's day. No breakfast, no cup of coffee for me after only had 4 hours sleep and now I have to go back to work. Went into the kitchen to make myself a coffee bc he couldn't be bothered to ask but found out we run out. I then seen that DH bought coffee pods but only for himself. He drinks flavour lattes , I only drink black. I went out of my way last year for Father's day and booked a restaurant for lunch and also had his dad too and his partner. I paid for everyone. He couldn't be bothered to even buy me coffee. Only got the card and flowers last night bc I reminded him. I feel pretty disappointed, as I always go out of my way for him and also I buy for his family gifts on all occasions. Sorry about the long post, just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Hang in there!!! Men are just generally selfish

Original poster
Goldduck · 27/03/2022 18:03

@MissyB1

Well you could try explaining to him that it’s not about him wanting to celebrate Mother’s Day, but it’s actually about you and ds. You could also explain that in a marriage the idea is to do nice things for each other, that making an effort is part and parcel of it all. Make it clear that he has let you and ds down by being a selfish lazy git. If he isn’t remorseful then you will have to make sure his birthday is totally ignored.
I don't feel like he would even care about his birthday though. He does make an effort for mine though. He does get all this, he's a sensitive person. Obviously just doesn't really care about my feelings above his own.
OP posts:
TheUsualChaos · 27/03/2022 18:09

Agree with others that either you resign yourself to the fact that this is how he is and accept he won't make an effort or you need to consider if this is who you want to spend the rest of your life with because it won't change I'm afraid. You sound like you deserve better tbh Flowers

Original poster
Goldduck · 27/03/2022 18:09

@Natty13

I am happy to do this but I expect to be appreciated for it everyday and special days like today. I just don't feel like he understands how he's made me feel.

A tale as old as time unfortunately. Take it from someone who has BTDT, the ONLY way he will "get it" is if you stop making such an effort. It will be hard for you, it was for me, esp if you are someone who is warm and generous and loving (which you sound) however if you don't things won't really get better and it will just be miserable for longer. He will learn to appreciate you pretty bloody quickly if you force yourself to stop making an effort.

Thank you Flowers I get really bad anxiety if everything isn't right in the house, I just can't do it. It would make me feel ill and Is hate the idea of everything not being nice for my DS at home. I'm not putting any of his clothes in the wash from now on though. He can panic every morning.
OP posts:
peachy3 · 27/03/2022 18:13

YANBU. At the end of the day a husband/partner should have the respect for their wife as a mother to their children. He obviously doesn’t see or care what you do or have gone through as a mother; pregnancy, labour/birth, sleepless nights etc. He’s a selfish prick and you should tell him so.

Natty13 · 27/03/2022 18:14

I get it, it really is horrible and stressful feeling like the house is disorganised and a tip but coming through the other side of it is really worth it (and you would be stronger as well). It would be nice for your DS to grow up seeing both parents responsible for a nice home and both appreciative of the other. Something to consider. I hope it gets better FlowersBrew

BOOTS52 · 27/03/2022 18:15

So sorry that you are feeling like this. Sometimes some people are just selfish and do not like others to have any attention. Big hugs and arrange something next year for yourself and your little one so you will not be disappointed.