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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mothers' Day in Tears

95 replies

Goldduck · 27/03/2022 17:41

My DH knows that I'm sentimental and really value days like this. I'd say we generally share childcare equally if our DS who is 3 but I do manage the mental load and most of the house admin, cleaning and cooking etc I'm part time and happy to do this as long as its appreciated. My DH got up today and and I had lie in. I had a shower at half 8 and DH still hadn't given DS any breakfast. I asked yesterday if he'd made bacon sandwiches for us all, he didn't. I then had to prompt him to book our day out that I had to think of as always. The house was a mess when I went downstairs and he clearly just been lounging on the couch all morning. I want bothered about presents but he knows how much cards mean to me. I'm so upset that instead of making me a card with our DS this morning and breakfast he just lay on the couch thinking of himself. He said he doesn't care about Mothers' Day when I explained to him why I was upset. I can't stop crying. AIBU?

OP posts:

Darklightening · 27/03/2022 20:21

That’s really shitty. This article really sums it up. It’s about the fact that your DH doesn’t care about how you feel about something. If he might not care, but he should care because it’s something important to you:

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-10645457/My-wife-divorced-leaving-dirty-glasses-sink-right.html

rwalker · 27/03/2022 20:21

@Whatever00

He is a selfish fucker. He doesn't care about mothers day but you do. Why do his feelings trump yours?

I'm sorry your having a shit day. Maybe do something special with you child another day. Also remember on fathers day and his birthday that these days aren't important to him.

In that case why does her feelings trump his .

Namenic · 27/03/2022 20:23

I think people have different love languages. I actually agree with hariboqueen1 personally - and find other people’s attitudes weird, but I guess it matters to some people (so that’s the important thing - and from this thread it’s clearly a common viewpoint) - so we do a card for my mum and MIL and give them a call as well.

Rainydaysandmondays24 · 27/03/2022 20:42

I hate mother's Day. I really do HATE it.
It brings home to me everything that might have been for my adult son.
He can't even speak. It's heartbreaking.
He's the age now that I was when I was pregnant with him, and I just think of all those things that I was doing then - I had a job. I was in a relationship (with his father). I had friends. I could have conversations. I could say how I was feeling. I had independence and could choose where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do.
He has never experienced any of that.
I hate myself for having lived the life he has never known.
He has never developed beyond his baby years.
I have no idea what caused his disability, but I would swap places with him in an instant.
I don't even feel worthy of the title "Mum" where my eldest son is concerned.

mowly77 · 27/03/2022 20:49

So many depressing threads like this on Mother's Day. My partner's no different but after the first time when I spelled it out to him I think he tried to understand. He bought a card the second time I'll give him that for effort although like every mum I want something my DC has made! Thank god (well no, because she's only here because I am severely ill) but my sister made a special drawing and poem with my DC and had it framed for me today. I'm feeling quite sad about Mother's Day because I've got incurable cancer but that's not the point; I hope to be around long enough to look at that lovely picture and feel the great joy that has gone into it – so YANBU for being peed off your DP has made no effort with a card but I wouldn't bother crying all day - YABU, sorry.

Second important point (haven't read whole thread so apologies if someone's said so) but it's important to teach small children it isn't just about them. Like you said your DS loves giving you gifts & cards. So it's important they learn to celebrate others, not just get excited about their own birthday/Xmas presents etc. Can you explain this to your DP in a way he will understand?

(Obviously fuck him for Father's Day however which makes it a bit tricky & you might be branded a hypocrite but ... well.)

Benjispruce5 · 27/03/2022 20:49

Ah @Rainydaysandmondays24. One of that is your fault. He’s very lucky to ah such an empathetic mum

Benjispruce5 · 27/03/2022 20:49

None not one

VerityPJohnson · 27/03/2022 20:58

I don’t think this is really about Mothers Day. Same way you don’t show love only on Valentines Day. It sounds like you do mind doing more of the share of the household labour and you could sit down and tell him, rather than getting frustrated, and get things more fairly distributed. Not marking what is essentially a commercial activity is not so much the issue, it’s how he treats you every day and lying around on the sofa on any day when there is stuff to do is not on.

HeArInGhandsgirl11 · 27/03/2022 20:59

@Porcupineintherough

So going forward:

You ignore Father's Day (and his birthday if he's similarly shit about birthdays).
Next year you make a card with ds, a few days ahead, so he has something to enjoy giving you. And you plan a special day out, just the 2 of you.

Bring your ds up to appreciate you and soon he'll be doing it off his own bat, useless father or no.

This is a nice idea

LBFseBrom · 27/03/2022 21:02

@Gazorpazorp

I get that you’re upset about the card but I’m much more horrified that he hadn’t got his son any bloody breakfast. Presumably DS was hungry, so what kind of dad doesn’t feed his child?!

Do most people have breakfast before 8.30am when there is no work or nursery/school to go to? We were not usually up by then :).

AgathaOvercome · 27/03/2022 21:06

@MissRalux

I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I also can relate. I came home this morning after a night shift. Being woken up by DH coming in and out of the house as he's doing DIY. I've had a card and flowers but only after I reminded him that today is Mother's day. No breakfast, no cup of coffee for me after only had 4 hours sleep and now I have to go back to work. Went into the kitchen to make myself a coffee bc he couldn't be bothered to ask but found out we run out. I then seen that DH bought coffee pods but only for himself. He drinks flavour lattes , I only drink black. I went out of my way last year for Father's day and booked a restaurant for lunch and also had his dad too and his partner. I paid for everyone. He couldn't be bothered to even buy me coffee. Only got the card and flowers last night bc I reminded him. I feel pretty disappointed, as I always go out of my way for him and also I buy for his family gifts on all occasions. Sorry about the long post, just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Hang in there!!! Men are just generally selfish

Men in general aren’t selfish - just your DH and other men on this thread. Plenty of men make an effort for the mothers of their children on Mother’s Day. Don’t excuse your own useless DH by pretending all men are the same @MissRalux higher your standards!

KimikosNightmare · 27/03/2022 21:23

I said YABU but that's because your problem isn't just this one day.

Phantom1 · 27/03/2022 21:26

Saying he doesn't like Mother's Day and not bothering about you is like saying he doesn't care about your efforts, the love you give to him and your son and that he doesn't care enough about you to make any effort whatsoever. It's hardly surprising that you are upset. It' almost like he's deliberately trying to hurt you.

Bostonbullsmumma · 27/03/2022 21:57

Once Ds is in nursery or school they usually make lovely cards for the occasion. My DS, reception, made a beautiful one for me.... and gave it to my friend as he didn't make it for mummy!! Hope you're ok OP- I've been there... a homemade card is all that is needed. The lack of thought and effort when you are making a family you didn't have when you were a child is hard. I get it.

Triffidsruleok · 27/03/2022 22:00

It would be nice to have a card from the kids on mother's day,
DH gave 15 yo oldest 30 to but card and something nice whilst out shopping bur she bought nothing and said she would make a homemade card.
No card, no gift.
I went to so much trouble for my own mum. Thinking what I have done wrong with my kids.

Triffidsruleok · 27/03/2022 22:02

stayathomer · 27/03/2022 22:46

Next year a few days before: 'I'd better leave you and daddy to make me a cool card and plan my present. I can't wait for breakfast in bed!!' And repeat until your child is consistently parroting it at your dh. On the day you plan whatever you want- your favourite activity, favourite movie. Again, child fully on board. I'd never normally say that, but if you love it then it's your thing, and you don't want a yearly argument on it

Cherrysoup · 27/03/2022 23:16

It’s absolutely pointless saying ‘Oh well, I don’t care about Mothers’ Day so it’s a waste, I’m a mother every day’. Why do people bother saying this? You’re invalidating the OP’s feelings exactly like her DH has by say he doesn’t care about it. She does and she’s upset, which he knew she would be, so why doesn’t he make a bloody effort? Or is he just too ashamed to admit that he fucked up?

eldora · 27/03/2022 23:29

I think that he does feel the same as you and I completely get the consumerist angle of it all and some seeing it as all a bit OTT

He doesn’t mind the consumerism of it when you make a fuss of him on Father’s Day though, does he. Funny how it’s consumerist when it’s your turn.

lemongreentea · 27/03/2022 23:30

@Notimeforaname

Second or 3rd thread I've seen like this today.

Hes made it clear he doesn't care and wont do anything. Arrange a day for yourself. And do nothing for fathers day.

absolutely this

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