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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my 12 year old didn’t make a card?

84 replies

Lennon80 · 27/03/2022 11:44

I’m wondering if your older children did anything for you? His father isn’t around to prompt him but he knew it was Mother’s Day and didn’t bother to make a card or do anything at all. Just said happy Mother’s Day. My five year old made loads of effort.

OP posts:
TrashyPanda · 27/03/2022 11:48

He could have bought a card for a quid.
He just couldn’t be bothered.
At best, it is thoughtless.
At worst, it is unkind.

At 12 he should have more consideration and empathy

Oblomov22 · 27/03/2022 11:49

That would upset me. Takes 2 minutes to make a card using a piece of A4 paper.

Moonface123 · 27/03/2022 11:51

As a lone parent myself l think its really important you gently remind children this age in good time that you are looking forward to receiving a card, with a few nice words in because it makes you feel appreciated for all the hard work you do, day in and day out.
Mine are both older now and they do make an unprompted effort which l' m happy about. It doesn' t hurt, a small act of kindness goes a long way.

Imsittinginthekitchensink · 27/03/2022 11:54

Having the same stand off with my 16yr old. I'm v hurt she has given so little thought to me and totally bemused by my "drama" so now she's in a mood with me for being pissed off. Happy fucking mother's Day.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 27/03/2022 11:54

It would upset me too.

I wouldn't say anything to him about it today but I'd be talking to him down the road about thoughtfulness.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 27/03/2022 11:54

I'm not sure how hearing other people's tales will make you feel better. My Dd loves to give gifts so despite her dad not helping her this year
(I've been single since day 1 but he normally buys me a card and box of chocolate from her) 12 year old Dd has been talking about Mothers day and trying to find out what I'd like for a couple of weeks.
DD went to the supermarket yesterday and bought me lots of my favourite treats and put it in the drawstring bag she made in textiles with a card. Then this morning she rushed to the corner shop to buy a surprise and is currently in the kitchen on videocall with her best friend and they are baking me (and BF mum) something whilst chatting away.

Original poster
Lennon80 · 27/03/2022 12:10

I remember from being about eight years old spending ages drawing cards and pictures and picking wild flowers for my mum. I’d never not make a huge effort which I’m so glad I did now given she died young so it’s a hard day for me at the best of times.

OP posts:
WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 27/03/2022 12:13

"I'm not sure how hearing other people's tales will make you feel better"

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime if you are aware hearing other peoples' stories could hurt the OP, why the fuck would you then go on to describe how wonderful your DC are? Hmm What a way to make her feel worse, being terribly insensitive whilst being aware you are being insensitive.

OP I would speak to your DS, no emotional blackmail but suggesting he make you a cup of tea for example? Keeping it lighthearted but letting him know it's thoughtful to think of others on days that are special to them. I know that sounds a bit cringe, but we are raising DC and presumably would like them to be kind and thoughtful adults. Especially DSs, in a patriarchal society, we need to counter this selfish attitude where we see so many threads about uncaring men. I would like my DSs to be kind and think of others and try to help them to be like that, but without emotional blackmail. 12 is a good age to help them to understand that, they have the maturity to grasp it without any teenage yeah whatever eye rolling (dealing appropriately with situations like this is also a way to get through teenage years without too much yeah whatever-ing Grin

Good luck.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 27/03/2022 12:15

Cross texted with your last text. I'm sorry about your mum, days like these are hard when you have that to contend with too. Some virtual Thanks for you.

Ilovethecinema · 27/03/2022 12:48

I’m so sorry op Flowers my 12 year is exactly the same, hasn’t even acknowledged it, let alone a card. You totally have my sympathy

Genevie82 · 27/03/2022 14:13

Totally agree with @WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles

Pragmatic approach needed and in years to come your DS will know it’s important to show some thought to the women in his life!
Next year I’d literally take him to a shop so he could buy you something without you seeing if he’s not got anyone in his life to guide him,
Ps happy Mother’s Day 💐
xxx

Savingpeoplehuntingthings · 27/03/2022 14:23

Did you tell him in advance that he needed to get you a card?
I think at that age you have to tell them what's expected. I gave 12 + 13 year old a fiver each last week saying it's mother's day on Sunday, I like cards, chocolate, sweets, flowers. Go to the shop together.
I got cards and chocolates. Yes I told them but I see it as part of my job to teach them now what's appropriate in the hope that in future years they'll do it independently. Can you ask him to make tea/a brew/run you a bath now? Flowers

VeganGod · 27/03/2022 14:26

It wouldn’t bother me. But at that age, if dad isn’t around, you should remind your child of your expectations a couple of weeks before if you’re bothered. Comparing him to a 5 year old that is at the peak of ‘mummy is amazing’ is unfair.

My kids know I don’t want to celebrate Mother’s Day, so they buy the dogs presents instead at my request. 😅

Namenic · 27/03/2022 14:35

Personally it doesn’t bother me, but I know that my mum and MIL find it important, so we do a card for them. I think kids need reminding and being told explicitly that u want a card - because these days people don’t send many cards.

Original poster
Lennon80 · 27/03/2022 14:36

I told him I was disappointed he didn’t make me a card so he asked for money and went to the shop and came back with chocolates - I lm happy now as he realised I was upset and wanted to put it right. He did know it was Mother’s Day as I’d spoken about it and going to cemetery etc and his other siblings had made cards.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 27/03/2022 14:37

I think you should mention it. Talk to him about it being nice to acknowledge celebrations with cards/gifts or whatever.

Otherwise his wife will be on here in 15 years complaining she never gets a birthday card.

girlmom21 · 27/03/2022 14:37

Cross posted!

PattyMelt · 27/03/2022 14:43

My mother just had a go at my 17 year old for not even making a card. She's stropped off to her too.
Rude and thoughtless.

NalPolishRemover · 27/03/2022 14:44

I think it's important to install in them how important it is to treat others well & to make an effort.

Kids / teens can be v self centered & self motivated & its a really good lesson for them to make an effort for days like these.& to realise it's not all one way traffic where everyone make a huge deal of their birthdays / Christmas/ graduations etc but in a family we look out for each other

I don't expect much & I have no interest in lunches out etc. But I had breakfast in bed & a bunch of tulips, a box of my fav Turkish delight & 2 cards from teen dc & just as important - a hug!

Dh went to m&s yesterday & bought food for about 3 days so no cooking for me & lots of delicious treats. But while I'm v grateful for that I actually love cooking & wouldn't have minded at all. Dh also cooks but though it might be nice to have m&s for a change as we live too far from takeaways

dollywoodlooksgood · 27/03/2022 14:45

Sorry OP. I agree, you should mention it. I didn’t get a card from DD (9) either. I feel DH should probably have prompted/helped her to do it but he didn’t. After the fact, he did suggest something to her (this morning, after breakfast) and she made a comic but it didn’t mention anything about Mother’s Day or me so I felt a bit under-appreciated tbh. Especially as DD was with me yesterday when I went and bought some bits for my own mum. Oh well; I got a nice morning greeting from the dog - at least he is consistent and generous with his appreciation! Anyway, you’re not alone 🙂

NalPolishRemover · 27/03/2022 14:46

Instill though install could be the answer too

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 27/03/2022 14:50

A card is a reasonable expectation. IMO remembering birthdays and other occasions is a life skill teens need to learn. I always feel quite touched when I see my 15yo making arrangements to mark her mates' birthdays.

Whatinthelord · 27/03/2022 14:53

I think it was thoughtless of him. However he is only 12, so that’s sort of normal. I’d image, or hope, that this experience has been a learning one for him about how to show appreciation for someone you love.

I wouldn’t make a big deal about it.

inkyfingers · 27/03/2022 14:55

Tell him Mother’s Day continues beyond midnight and there are opportunities to wash up or walk the dog. I hate the fuss for one day which can allow teens off the hook for the rest of the year. I wouldn’t mind a teen who forgets in those circs if he can step up at other times.

Svara · 27/03/2022 14:59

My 15 year old bought me some chocolate. He knows I don't care for cards though, I'm like my great aunt who always told people to buy her a bag of sugar instead and write on that!

I wouldn't expect a secondary aged child to make a card unless art was their thing, but I'd expect something.