To be upset that my 12 year old didn’t make a card?

[Lennon80]

I’m wondering if your older children did anything for you? His father isn’t around to prompt him but he knew it was Mother’s Day and didn’t bother to make a card or do anything at all. Just said happy Mother’s Day. My five year old made loads of effort.

@Mamapep

This wouldn’t bother me. Tweens-Teens are generally self absorbed. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you.

The fact you say ‘wouldn’t’ rather than ‘didn’t’ means it’s never happened to you.

Easy to say when that’s the case.

I agree it's an awkward agr. Making cards may feel a bit babyish but buying a card with their own money is not yet easy. Don't take it to heart. It's lovely that he made the effort as soon as you helped him along a bit.

My teens did but only because their SD (my DH) bought the cards for them. They probably wouldn't have done otherwise. At 12 they would have, but now at 16, they're not interested.

This going to cause uproar but for all those who’ve not made a effort and it’s hurt you loving mums do the same for their next birthday, they’ll soon realise, cards etc are important.my ex never did cards today dh does them but I’m not fussed anymore. No I’m not a mother but have sympathy for you all.🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

Dh used to take my dds to get mother's day presents. He died when they were 11 and 13. After that I gave them money and sent them to the garage near our house before the day. I still remind them. I could just see if they remember, but if they didn't I'd just be reminded of what we'd lost and so would they and we'd all feel crap. This way we all feel positive about it. I think a lot of 12 year olds would still have the dad reminding them.

@Christienne that’s fair, it’s not happened to me.

I am very clearly in the minority here. Mother's Day is a overcommercialised day forcing money to be spent on cards and flowers and chocolates and Sunday lunches out. It was ridiculous the amount of fathers and kids in the supermarket yesterday. I would far rather my teenage kids turned off lights when they left a room and closed doors behind them to keep the house warm at the moment rather than to think that they need to spend a tenner on a naff card, flowers which will be half price tomorrow and chocolate and wine which I don't need as I'm trying to lose weight. One of them was in plaster last month thanks to a rugby injury, so the best mother's day gift I got was the fact he could hug me with 2 arms again. YABU

It’s reasonable to remind them, and a card isn’t much to expect.
Otherwise they end up being the sort of people that don’t care about a partner’s expectations, or think to appreciate them. Not bothering about birthdays and anniversaries and whatnot.

@Holothane

This going to cause uproar but for all those who’ve not made a effort and it’s hurt you loving mums do the same for their next birthday, they’ll soon realise, cards etc are important.my ex never did cards today dh does them but I’m not fussed anymore. No I’m not a mother but have sympathy for you all.🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

Why wouldn't anyone who's hurt want to make their children feel the same?

I meant would, obvs.

Well the 5 year old would have 'done loads' at school, so it's not like they've independently delivered the goods. If 12, it's likely your DCs first mothers day at secondary, where nothing is done so they're totally at the mercy of a prompt from an adult.
I think you're being harsh.

in years to come your DS will know it’s important to show some thought to the women in his life!

I'm not convinced this is a make/female split.

DH and his whole family is very into cards, with long flowery messages. Me, not so much. I send cards to people who I know feel sad when they don't get many. Even got my mother to send his mother a birthday card when she was getting older and didn't get so many because it meant so much to her.

If I never had another card I would not be sad. Or even notice really apart from them gathering dust and bedding to be thrown out.

The trick is to train up DC to find out what is important to the other person and get them to to do that.

It might for once show how things matter, it’s not all about them mums dads matter too.

@Floralnomad

I’ve got 2 adult children , one at home who has moonpigged an excellent card ( she writes) and added some more specially chosen music to the stick she made for my car last year . The other ( son ) came yesterday with 8 bunches of tulips , 4 different boxes of chocolates , a box of wine gums and 6 gonk / gnome things - he doesn’t do cards for any occasion . I’m jolly happy and being left alone to watch the IPL on TV .

Sorry, but how is rubbing your perfect little life with your excessive number of gonks helpful on this post?

Like most things, kids vary when they independently understand the significance and impact of giving/not giving to others. It is their parents responsibility to teach them and get over it when they dont get it just yet.

I never started buying my parents gifts until I was 17. If they felt upset by this they never let me know. Ds(18) has started independently gifting just last Christmas and today. Just a box of lindor, but he remembered without prompting or guilt tripping, bought out of his own money, didnt buy a card but wrote on the box, and that means the world to me.

My 11 year-old and my 7 year old made cards at school. My 15, 13 and 8 year olds didn't. As is tradition in our house on mothers day I got to pick the takeaway and when the younger ones finally go to sleep I get to control the tv remote

@Changemyname18

I am very clearly in the minority here. Mother's Day is a overcommercialised day forcing money to be spent on cards and flowers and chocolates and Sunday lunches out. It was ridiculous the amount of fathers and kids in the supermarket yesterday. I would far rather my teenage kids turned off lights when they left a room and closed doors behind them to keep the house warm at the moment rather than to think that they need to spend a tenner on a naff card, flowers which will be half price tomorrow and chocolate and wine which I don't need as I'm trying to lose weight. One of them was in plaster last month thanks to a rugby injury, so the best mother's day gift I got was the fact he could hug me with 2 arms again. YABU

Second this. It's nonsense. How contrived is it? Appreciation speaks louder through everyday actions. Cards or flowers or lunches are not synonymous with a meaningful relationship. Completely the same as Valentine's and to some extent birthdays. Seems self centred. But clearly we are minority here

@Holothane

This going to cause uproar but for all those who’ve not made a effort and it’s hurt you loving mums do the same for their next birthday, they’ll soon realise, cards etc are important.my ex never did cards today dh does them but I’m not fussed anymore. No I’m not a mother but have sympathy for you all.🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

Cards are not important to everyone. I personally couldn't care less. What's important is to understand what people's expectations are for special days and to try to meet them. OP's DS clearly did not understand what was expected of him. Although was clearly happy to give him money to buy her something, which I would have considered a bit pointless. But she didn't, and it's what she wanted that's important here.

I think it's important to install in them how important it is to treat others well & to make an effort.

I agree but this should be general everyday stuff and not by making or buying a card once a year.

I wouldn’t expect a homemade card off anyone over the age of about 8 and I think brought cards are a waste of money and trees.

I didn’t buy my mum a card and my DD didn’t buy me one as they’re not important in our home.

If they’re important to you then you need to be more vocal and say you need a card.

My 18yo told me what they almost bought me. But I got nothing. I only want a card. Not even a "happy Mother's Day".

@XelaM

My 12-year-old shouted at me this morning because apparently I made her oversleep (I didn't wake her up despite the clocks going forward) and didn't bring out her clothes quickly enough for her to get ready to go to the yard to ride her pony 🙄 (that I'm stupid enough to finance). So I would take just a "happy Mother's Day"

Wow.A real life Verruca Salt.

@Hopeful23 , the first line of the OP is asking if anyone else’s older children do anything for Mother’s Day - mine do , I didn’t realise that it was just supposed to be a misery fest . In future I will ask for your permission before I answer the question just in case as you are obviously the thread police .

Completely. No children owe any parent anything in terms of thanks just for being their parent. Parents are there to parent, and who says any of us are doing a great job. I hate the fakery of this whole palaver where children and some adults are made to feel that they must thank the parent when they maybe don't want to for whatever reason.

Thanks and respect must be earned and not given because a parent expects to be thanked or praised. It really irritates me as you probably can gather 😆 And breathe!!! 🤯😄

I think it sometimes takes older kids a while to get the hang of buying cards etc, switching from child mode to adult mode where they're the ones responsible for making someone else happy. They don't realise how much it might upset an adult or that we might feel unappreciated. So I wouldn't blame him, he's still v young and no older sibling or other adult to nudge him. And it's lovely he wanted to make it up to you by buying you the chocolates.

I think it isnt unreasonable to expect a little effort from a 12 Yr old but its also fair at that age they might need reminding the day is imminent and doing nothing will be disappointing and might need help to get a gift (money and logistically!)