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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Don’t marry her, have me

106 replies

Timeinabottle · 26/03/2022 21:03

I’m a child of the 80’s, teen of the 90’s. I was 18 when this song by The Beautiful south came out. Saw the video of it today and it reminded me.
I was skinny, pretty wild, fairly gorgeous… looking back…I remember thinking ‘Poor guy, what a boring life…’
I’m 44 now and I’d likely be seen as that boring wife and my Dh as the guy with all the weekend jobs and child centred things to do…made me think a bit about how if he ever secretly feels like escaping to San Francisco Bay with a younger woman for a more exciting life 🤣
What a horrible song and why aren’t there any about women being in this position and craving some excitement 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
WiseUpJanetWeiss · 27/03/2022 08:33

I think some people on here are under-thinking the lyrics. The singer (Jacqui Abbott) represents the freedom of not being in a long term committed relationship; the imagined future relationship (not complimentary to either husband or wife) represents the doubt and fear the husband is feeling before his wedding. JA's insistence she won't be like the imagined future wife is ironic. Nobody knows what PH's choice would be.

Paul Heston is a brilliant lyricist, and I love Jacqui Abbott's voice.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 27/03/2022 08:40

I've never liked this song. Yanbu

Borgonzola · 27/03/2022 08:41

Wasn't it used in a programme about gay life? I always have read it as a gay man trying to convince another man not to have the conventional life Grin

Borgonzola · 27/03/2022 08:42

(Conventional as in man marries wife and has life described. I don't think gay people are unconventional)

MarianosOnHisWay · 27/03/2022 08:44

Yes to the Avril Lavigne one, Ariana Grande and Pussycat Dolls and another one is You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift.

Hey, what you doing with a girl like that?
She wears high heels, I wear sneakers
She's Cheer Captain, and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the
whole time

If you could see that I'm the one
Who understands you
Been here all along
So, why can't you see?
You belong with me

I guess unrequited love of someone who is in a relationship is a common emotion (for teens) so songs playing into this are popular with that group.

It’s kind of like the “pick me girl” type I see described on the relationship boards and beyond.

lljkk · 27/03/2022 08:49

I always thought DMH-FM it was sung with voice of someone lonely and twisted.
I enjoyed it because I enjoy someone being honest about their twisted selves.
Still twisted. Not saying I admire a twisted lifestyle, either.

Widmerpool · 27/03/2022 08:59

@Whataboutno

I hated that song, and anything by that band! Grin
Me, too. I absolutely, completely, totally loathe anything by the Beautiful South.

All their songs sound the same. And whiny.

Buzzinwithbez · 27/03/2022 09:31

I love that song. It's a great one to belt out at the top of your lungs and I love the humour and irony in it..

I see it as written by one of what my daughter would refer to as a 'pick me girl' .
It's an age old trope - pick me instead because "I'm not like other women" .
It smacks of desperation - laying out what she envisages his life could be like with the woman he loves. Of course it would never be like that with the narrator because she's "not like other women".

stripeyflowers · 27/03/2022 12:10

Horrid song. YANBU.

AryaStarkWolf · 27/03/2022 12:21

@LosingTheWill2022

I don't hate it. The singer is trying to convince someone not to get married by painting a picture of what it might be. I don't think she's saying his wife-to-be is old and flabby now - she's deliberately predicting negatively claiming she won't go that way.

We don't know what happens. He might get married and have a very happy life. The singer may end up sad and lonely. Who knows?

Yeah, this is how it sounds to.me as well, she's asking him not to get married so all that family stuff and bad boring relationship is just her prediction of what their life will be I think
AryaStarkWolf · 27/03/2022 12:26

@Buzzinwithbez

I love that song. It's a great one to belt out at the top of your lungs and I love the humour and irony in it..

I see it as written by one of what my daughter would refer to as a 'pick me girl' .
It's an age old trope - pick me instead because "I'm not like other women" .
It smacks of desperation - laying out what she envisages his life could be like with the woman he loves. Of course it would never be like that with the narrator because she's "not like other women".

Yes exactly, the "cool girl"
Glugglejug · 27/03/2022 12:31

@Thewindwhispers they’re not happily married!! She’s a phd in ‘I told you so’ and he’s got a ‘knighthood in I’m not listening’.

It’s a fantastic song about an unhappy marriage and what might have been if you make different choices. You don’t have to root for any of them. It just is what it is.

I love the beautiful south. There’s a username on here ‘Jenniferalisonphillipasue’ which I ALWAYS smile when I see.

Mydogisagentleman · 27/03/2022 12:37

Love the song, love the band and have seem PH in many of his incarnations loads.
There was a half hearted campaign for him to be nominated for an Ivor Novello award which I enthusiastically supported

SamphiretheStickerist · 27/03/2022 12:39

@ImAvingOops

I'm not keen on it. He should be taking his own kids to the park and I don't like the implication that it's his boring wife making him do it, as if it's her fault alone that they had a family! There's a lot of blaming of the wife, when he sounds a bit wet.
I think that's the point.

Heaton's lyrics are often quite obscure and this one is a man writing from a woman's perspective. Giving her the young free and single life that most songs assign to men, watching a man she might love prepare to marry a woman she fears he does love.

She's suggesting that all the things we associate with being married are a boring, time wasting pursuit and that he and his soon to be wife will age and become tedious.

But the kicker is that all she has to offer is a fuck.

I like it, and much of his writing, because the meaning of a song can change if you focus on different lyrics.

But this one, and many if his others like 36d, aren't quite what they seem. Not that they aren't nasty, they often are, like Mother's Pride. But that's the point, setting tired old sexual tropes in a slightly different way, to make them more vicious, uncomfortable, noticeable.

And all wrapped up in a jaunty tune!

AryaStarkWolf · 27/03/2022 12:39

[quote Glugglejug]@Thewindwhispers they’re not happily married!! She’s a phd in ‘I told you so’ and he’s got a ‘knighthood in I’m not listening’.

It’s a fantastic song about an unhappy marriage and what might have been if you make different choices. You don’t have to root for any of them. It just is what it is.

I love the beautiful south. There’s a username on here ‘Jenniferalisonphillipasue’ which I ALWAYS smile when I see.[/quote]
I think you're interpreting it incorrectly actually, they're not even married yet (hence the song name) the singer is basically trying to convince him not to get married and predicting the boring family life with a nagging wife if he does where as she will never get old or flabby and will always be fun

ExtraOnion · 27/03/2022 13:21

“Don’t Marry Her” is about porn .. I’m sure I heard Paul Heaton talking about it once (I may be imagining it)

It’s a guy, who’s bored with his life, escaping into porn culture. Nothing in that song is written from a woman’s perspective …

Orchidsonthetable · 27/03/2022 13:25

@ExtraOnion

“Don’t Marry Her” is about porn .. I’m sure I heard Paul Heaton talking about it once (I may be imagining it)

It’s a guy, who’s bored with his life, escaping into porn culture. Nothing in that song is written from a woman’s perspective …

That’s not correct I’m afraid, the band have said it’s about a woman begging a man to run away with her, and is describing what his life will be like. It’s nothing to do with porn.
ExtraOnion · 27/03/2022 13:28

Nah .. it’s about porn …

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 27/03/2022 13:46

I'd forgotten all about this song. Just watched the video and he does leave the wife at the end for the younger woman.

I know PH writes clever and acerbic lyrics etc. etc. but I could never stand the twee melodies and delivery of the Beautiful South. At one point it felt like they released a single every month for 5 years.

AryaStarkWolf · 27/03/2022 13:49

@ExtraOnion

Nah .. it’s about porn …
It isn't though
FridayiminlovewithRobertSmith · 27/03/2022 13:51

Love the housemartins.

Don’t see the misogyny. There’s just lots of interesting complexity, funny lyrics and soulful voices.

AgathaOvercome · 27/03/2022 13:53

Here’s one for the women!!!

AryaStarkWolf · 27/03/2022 13:57

@MurderAtTheBeautyPageant

I'd forgotten all about this song. Just watched the video and he does leave the wife at the end for the younger woman.

I know PH writes clever and acerbic lyrics etc. etc. but I could never stand the twee melodies and delivery of the Beautiful South. At one point it felt like they released a single every month for 5 years.

The video though is just this woman's version of what will happen and what his life might be if he gets married so I don't think he necessarily leaves the woman he's supposed to marry
SamphiretheStickerist · 27/03/2022 14:03

@ExtraOnion

“Don’t Marry Her” is about porn .. I’m sure I heard Paul Heaton talking about it once (I may be imagining it)

It’s a guy, who’s bored with his life, escaping into porn culture. Nothing in that song is written from a woman’s perspective …

I'll listen to it again with that in mind. It makes perfect Heaton sense!
AgathaOvercome · 27/03/2022 14:10

Sorry should’ve put in the lyrics!

Don't get married girls
You'll sign away your life
You may start off as a woman
But you'll end up as the wife
You could be a vestal virgin
Take the veil and be a nun
But don't get married girls
For marriage isn't fun
Oh it's fine when you're romancing
And he plays the lover's part
You're the roses in his garden
You're the flame that warms his heart
And his love will last forever
And he'll promise you the moon
But just wait until you're wedded
Then he'll sing a different tune
You're his tapioca pudding
You're the dumplings in his stew
But he'll soon begin to wonder
What he ever saw in you
Still he takes without complaining
All the dishes you provide
For you see he's got to have
His bit of jam tart on the side
So don't get married girls
It's very badly paid
You may start off as the mistress
But you'll end up as the maid
Be a daring deep sea diver
Be a polished polyglot
But don't get married girls
For marriage is a plot
Have you seen him in the morning
With a face that looks like death
With dandruff on his pillow
And tobacco on his breath
And he needs some reassurance
With his cup of tea in bed
For he's worried by the mortgage
And the bald patch on his head
And he's sure that you're his mother
Lays his head upon your breast
So you try to boost his ego
Iron his shirt and warm his vest
Then you get him off to work
The mighty hunter is restored
And he leaves you there with nothing
But the dreams you can't afford
So don't get married girls
Men are all the same
They just use you when you need you
You'd do better on the game
Be a call girl, be a stripper
Be a hostess, be a whore
But don't get married girls
For marriage is a bore
When he comes home in the morning
He can hardly spare a look
All he says is "What's for dinner?"
After all you're just the cook
But when he takes you to a party
Well he eyes you with a frown
For you know you've got to look your best
You mustn't let him down
All he'll clutch you with that
"Look what I've got" twinkle in his eyes
Like he's entered for a raffle
And he's won you for the prize
Oh but when the party's over
You'll be slogging through the sludge
Half the time a decoration
And the other half a drudge
So don't get married
It'll drive you round the bend
It's the lane without a turning
It's the end without an end
Take a lover every Friday
Take up tennis, be a nurse
But don't get married girls
For marriage is a curse
Then you get him off to work
The mighty hunter is restored
And he leaves you there with nothing
But the dreams you can't afford