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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL ordered DDs 1st birthday cake without telling us

90 replies

SunnySideUp2020 · 26/03/2022 20:29

Never thought I'd be posting something so trivial. But here we go.

I honestly dont know if I am being precious or hormonal from being pregnant. Or normal?

We are going to the inlaws for DD 1st bday (our only kid, currently expecting another one).
It's abroad so we are going for 5 days.

Family gathering on the Sunday and I was looking forward to baking a cake for her. Been looking at recipes online etc ... I love baking, always make the cakes for occasions and my DD has allergies to many things including wheat so we are introducing new foods with caution.

Anyway today MIL calls and say she ordered our cake for the day (great) but also DDs cake. And I was a bit like wtf? Why didn't she ask before what I thought? Or if I was planning something?

So we ask what's inside the cake given the allergy issue and she wasn't even sure but said she asked without wheat.

My DH said he will ask her to cancel. But I dont want to offend her. So said no.
Is it rude if I just bake her a cake too? Like I initially wanted to?

On one hand I dont want to risk exposing her to nuts or whatever could be in that cake.
And I also just want to bake her bday cake 😁

What would you do?

OP posts:

Lazylady76 · 26/03/2022 20:35

Bake a small personal cake for your DD and relax and enjoy. She's probably just trying to be helpful and thought if your pregnant and have a 1yr old you might not feel up for baking.

Amijustagrump · 26/03/2022 20:36

Sounds like something my MIL would do, meant well but also really overstepping! No advice I'm afraid aside from definitely stuck with your plan

Shoxfordian · 26/03/2022 20:37

Yabu; she’s hosting you and you’re in another country. Probably thought she was doing something helpful

Speakingofdinosaurs · 26/03/2022 20:37

You should’ve let your DH tell her to cancel.
Now you should just phone her and say thank you for the kind thought but you have been really looking forward to baking her 1st Birthday cake yourself.
Perfectly understandable that you as her mother would want to do that.
That’s not something that should offend her unless she’s a completely unreasonable person.

TheDangerOfIgnorance · 26/03/2022 20:38

Get over yourself. Oh maybe next time be more communicative with your mother in law. If you know if you are looking up recipes you could've spoken to her about it by now. grow up. After all it's her kitchen so you should run it past her

RunnerDuck2020 · 26/03/2022 20:39

That would annoy me too. But if you’re staying with them abroad it probably didn’t occur to her that you’d be baking so I expect she was trying to help.

notacooldad · 26/03/2022 20:39

I wouldn't give two hoots about mil ordering a cake except for tha allergy bit.

I would definitely not be getting upset over a cake.
Make one that she can eat and share mil cake with those that can eat it.
No need for a song and dance over it.

AntiHop · 26/03/2022 20:39

So you didn't tell her you wanted to bake? Does your MIL know you're avoiding certain foods?

As an aside, avoiding allergens when babies are young can give them increased risk of allergies according to a book I read (healthy baby gut guide by Dr Vincent ho). My baby is the same age and I introduces allergens as soon as I started her on solids.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 26/03/2022 20:40

I would keep the peace and go with it and make her her own small cake to eat! Win win really

Pointlesspolice · 26/03/2022 20:40

@Shoxfordian

Yabu; she’s hosting you and you’re in another country. Probably thought she was doing something helpful

This

Clymene · 26/03/2022 20:40

I think she was trying to be really helpful and kind.

Your baby won't really care about cake. You don't even have to give her any. She's one.

Christ MILs can't do a bloody thing right on Amn

legoouch · 26/03/2022 20:40

Tell her with grace, don’t make a big deal of it, just something like “thanks so much for thinking about it but I’ve already planned the cake.” Any feelings of embarrassment are hers for overstepping and hopefully she’ll learn to communicate with you in future

Whatalovelydaffodil · 26/03/2022 20:41

@Shoxfordian

Yabu; she’s hosting you and you’re in another country. Probably thought she was doing something helpful

This

Papayamya · 26/03/2022 20:41

I wouldn't get worked up about this beside allergies, I'd make sure she was able to give confirmation of the ingredients and any info about who she is ordering from. If the allergies are severe I'd be wary of someone working out of their kitchen unless they had been inspected etc to be honest.

rainyskylight · 26/03/2022 20:42

Agree with shoxfordian. You didn’t speak up about wanting to do your DDs cake or about using her kitchen.

Uafasach · 26/03/2022 20:45

I was all set to say you weren't being unreasonable but considering that it's in their home and abroad, I think you might be a bit.

You're presuming that her kitchen will be free for you to use to bake the cake the day before the party without discussing it with her so it goes both ways really.

aloris · 26/03/2022 20:45

I wouldn't expect someone to want to bake a cake after they travel. But if your child is allergic to wheat, you'll have to bake the cake anyway. You can't trust a store you don't know to make a truly wheat-free cake; I would be worried the store-bought cake is unsafe. The bigger priority here is ensuring you manage the allergy situation and that you set good ground rules about your child's allergies with your MIL. If this were me, I would say, "Thank you for ordering a cake. Little Dora can't eat it because she's allergic, but it will make things easier for me if other people have a cake they can eat and I can just worry about Dora's cake. I will bring ingredients A, B, C to make her own personal cake. In addition, I will also need ingredients E, F, G, which are perishable and I can't travel with them. Can you ensure that you have ingredients E, F, G, when we get there on Thursday? That would be so helpful."

Depending on how your MIL responds to this, you'll have an idea whether you can work with her or not.

CheshireChat · 26/03/2022 20:45

Your visiting abroad and sorta for her sake (Mothering Sunday) you're pregnant and you have another toddler. I can 100% imagine she was doing her best to be helpful and welcoming and just missing the mark to an extent.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 26/03/2022 20:46

Bake your cake at home, with your familiar equipment and ingredients.

I understand your point... I've made all my DCs birthday cakes, accept the one year we had oven problems the night before ones birthday, and my mum saw a cake in the requested theme in the supermarket. Its stupid, but I regret not making that one cake. DD doesn't care. She doesn't remember (it was her 4th birthday, she's nearly 11 now). But I remember...

Beecham · 26/03/2022 20:47

Give your MIL a break - you're being precious.
A baby turning 1 is clueless and a party is a purely for the benefit of the adults.
When you have more children and have endured a few more kids birthday parties believe me you will bite the hand off anyone sorting out the cake.

Mamamia7962 · 26/03/2022 20:47

I think that is very thoughtful of your mil and she probably thought she was being helpful. If the allergies are serious though I think you will have to explain that your daughter won't be able to eat it, and just make a very small cake for your daughter to enjoy, but have the candles on the one that mil ordered.

greenlynx · 26/03/2022 20:50

I don’t think your MIL has meant to overstep boundaries. It would never occurred to me that someone who is pregnant would want to bake a cake while visiting In laws for a few days with a toddler. And I love baking myself. She probably saw it as her host duties. However I think your DH is right and she needs to cancel the order because of allergy issue. You will be much safer with a cake you’ve done with known ingredients. I’m sure your MIL wouldn’t want any nasty surprises for her grandchild.

RedWingBoots · 26/03/2022 20:50

Due to Covid and the increase in infections it is perfectly acceptable for you to have a smaller cake for your DD to blow out a candle on and then not share with the other guests. So she eats it all to herself.

And yes your MIL (or any other relation who isn't a parent) who pulls such a stunt is a a-hole.

duvetdayforeveryone · 26/03/2022 20:52

@Shoxfordian

Yabu; she’s hosting you and you’re in another country. Probably thought she was doing something helpful

This.

Betty000 · 26/03/2022 20:53

Where are you planning on baking the cake?

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