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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL ordered DDs 1st birthday cake without telling us

90 replies

SunnySideUp2020 · 26/03/2022 20:29

Never thought I'd be posting something so trivial. But here we go.

I honestly dont know if I am being precious or hormonal from being pregnant. Or normal?

We are going to the inlaws for DD 1st bday (our only kid, currently expecting another one).
It's abroad so we are going for 5 days.

Family gathering on the Sunday and I was looking forward to baking a cake for her. Been looking at recipes online etc ... I love baking, always make the cakes for occasions and my DD has allergies to many things including wheat so we are introducing new foods with caution.

Anyway today MIL calls and say she ordered our cake for the day (great) but also DDs cake. And I was a bit like wtf? Why didn't she ask before what I thought? Or if I was planning something?

So we ask what's inside the cake given the allergy issue and she wasn't even sure but said she asked without wheat.

My DH said he will ask her to cancel. But I dont want to offend her. So said no.
Is it rude if I just bake her a cake too? Like I initially wanted to?

On one hand I dont want to risk exposing her to nuts or whatever could be in that cake.
And I also just want to bake her bday cake 😁

What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
SunnySideUp2020 · 26/03/2022 20:54

So the issues about communication is she doesnt speak English. So communication happens via DH... and everytime I try to ask him to talk about this or that regarding the trip he says later or no need. Like he cant be bothered. 🥲

I just didnt think she would place an order without asking...

And I know it comes from a good intention... dont get me wrong. She is lovely with me and DD. No complaining here. Wouldn't change her for anyone else!

Just sad that I feel weird about baking my cake now. As I said, I enjoy baking and always bake my inlaws birthday cakes when we are there.

And it's not the first time I bake in her kitchen. We used to live there for a while! So it's like home.

And as for introducing the allergens. It takes time. We moved countries and we only got an appt with the specialist for more testing in June... and I don't really fancy a reaction abroad at the inlaws (the nearest proper hospital is over an hour away), that's why I was worried.

Guess I will ask to really get a full list of the ingredients.
And will also make a small cake...
And try to relax 🤣

OP posts:
CoastalWave · 26/03/2022 20:54

Just be thankful you have family to celebrate with!

Does it REALLY matter? Bake your own cake and celebrate/take daft photos for FB etc when you get back. Or take it with you and ask for the baby to have that one to eat just so it's safe. Your child is ONE they have no clue what day it is. Have another birthday. Hell have two more.

Ionlydomassiveones · 26/03/2022 20:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

CheshireChat · 26/03/2022 20:56

She doesn't speak the same language and your DH is less than helpful in mediating, she's definitely trying to help.

crosstalk · 26/03/2022 20:58

Never baked a cake in my life.

If I were you, OP just take a mini cake along for your DD which bows to her allergies, and let your MiL know what you're doing and why. Make sure you can transport it safely!

I'm sure she's just trying to help.

Cbes · 26/03/2022 20:58

It would never occur to me that someone coming to stay in my house from abroad might want to use my kitchen to bake a cake.

Smartiepants79 · 26/03/2022 20:59

I think, given that you are going to be abroad and not in your own kitchen, that your mil was trying to be helpful. If someone was staying with me, from another country, pregnant and with a small child I would not be assuming they’d want to be baking special cakes!
She should have discussed it, to make sure it was appropriate for your Dds dietary needs but it seems to have been done with love.
Can you not bake her cake at home either before or after the actual day? Have it with other family or friends?

AliceW89 · 26/03/2022 21:02

Sorry OP…I think I’d assume if someone was travelling to visit me from abroad whilst pregnant and with a 1 year old in tow, baking a cake would be the last thing on their mind!

LubaLuca · 26/03/2022 21:06

It wouldn't cross my mind that someone visiting my house for a short break would want to bake, and I think she's been really thoughtful in organising cakes knowing you won't be able to bring one or organise an order yourself.

If the wheat free cake she's ordered isn't ideal, so what? Someone will eat it. Be grateful that she tried to make things easy for you.

converseandjeans · 26/03/2022 21:07

Well I think she's just trying to be a good hostess. Surely if you're travelling from abroad you would be happy for someone to sort the party out?

Just do your own cake at home before or after the visit.

Original poster
SunnySideUp2020 · 26/03/2022 21:10

Unfortunately cant bake before as it's not exactly next door and we are travelling on the friday and the gathering is sunday.

But it's fine. We will have 2 cakes. We will use MIL s one for candles as suggested earlier because it will probably be nicer!

And she can eat my tiny cake I will make.

I bake all the time. It's not a massive deal for me. Not news to anyone either in the family.
But obviously she wanted to be helpful totally get that. And wanted me to relax there!

@Ionlydomassiveones
As I said I am glad she ordered the cake for us (adults)? Where did you see that I dont care about anyone else than myself?
I am not MIL hater btw. She cares about me more than any of my own family members. And I am very aware of that and grateful.
And yes my daughter birthday is important to ME too. Believe it or not. I gave birth a year ago... so quite a special day for me as well. Why the need to be insulting?... i wonder.

OP posts:
Blueeyedgirl21 · 26/03/2022 21:11

Normally I’d say massive overstep but as she lives abroad she probably thought it was helpful as you might not know where to get all the ingredients, might not want to bake in an unfamiliar kitchen etc

TheBeautifulMoors · 26/03/2022 21:12

Don’t go full on baking a cake in her kitchen when she’s ordered you one. I agree with others. Graciously accept and take a small cake for your DD.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 26/03/2022 21:12

For example my grandma lived in the canaries and I’d only cook there when visiting if I bought like an old El Paso fajitas kit or something, not because I’m rubbish but because things were different and I didn’t know the kitchen either and didn’t want to be a pain asking where stuff was

maddy68 · 26/03/2022 21:15

I think that's a lovely thing for her to do. Try saying thank you

Original poster
SunnySideUp2020 · 26/03/2022 21:15

Thanks for everyone replying.

She is definitely trying to make my life easier and was thoughtful of her. It's true.

Guess I just wished she'd told DH before placing the order. Definitely a communication issue here. But yeah looking at it it's not a big deal. If the cake meets the dietary requirements, I might not even bother baking.

Let's see...

OP posts:
Dee00 · 26/03/2022 21:15

I think it was a really nice thing for her to do, be grateful and accept it. One less thing for you to stress about!

Luredbyapomegranate · 26/03/2022 21:18

She’s hosting so YABU in general, however if you are REALLY worried about allergies, then yes call her and say it’s probably easier if you do it.

Flickflak · 26/03/2022 21:20

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Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

ScrummyDiva2 · 26/03/2022 21:21

Bake a little cake and call it a smash cake! That way , the MIL can't be offended, as the intention is for the cake to be messed up by your daughter- who can safely eat whatever she grabs!!

twominutesmore · 26/03/2022 21:21

I honestly wouldn't expect people travelling from another country to stay with me for a few days to bake a cake.

If you are only there for five days, would you really want to spend that time shopping for ingredients and baking?

Maybe she doesn't want you to bake in her kitchen. Hosting is hard work and I'd hate someone baking in my kitchen.

And you're pregnant, so I'm sure she thought she was helping. I always feel mn is like a different planet in terms of what upsets people. Sounds like you've come to terms with it now o that's good.

LubaLuca · 26/03/2022 21:22

If the cake meets the dietary requirements, I might not even bother baking.

But you still might just to make a point, right? Give over, nobody is that awful to their MIL just for fun Grin

Original poster
SunnySideUp2020 · 26/03/2022 21:23

@Flickflak that's my worry. She has a diagnosed rice allergy too and many intolerances.
Nobody in the family had allergies so we are not familiar with these things.
How did you find out about nut allergies?

OP posts:
HellToTheNope · 26/03/2022 21:23

It's a fucking cake and your child is one, FGS.

You're being ridiculous.

Original poster
SunnySideUp2020 · 26/03/2022 21:24

@LubaLuca

If the cake meets the dietary requirements, I might not even bother baking.

But you still might just to make a point, right? Give over, nobody is that awful to their MIL just for fun Grin

Huh?
OP posts: