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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL ordered DDs 1st birthday cake without telling us

90 replies

SunnySideUp2020 · 26/03/2022 20:29

Never thought I'd be posting something so trivial. But here we go.

I honestly dont know if I am being precious or hormonal from being pregnant. Or normal?

We are going to the inlaws for DD 1st bday (our only kid, currently expecting another one).
It's abroad so we are going for 5 days.

Family gathering on the Sunday and I was looking forward to baking a cake for her. Been looking at recipes online etc ... I love baking, always make the cakes for occasions and my DD has allergies to many things including wheat so we are introducing new foods with caution.

Anyway today MIL calls and say she ordered our cake for the day (great) but also DDs cake. And I was a bit like wtf? Why didn't she ask before what I thought? Or if I was planning something?

So we ask what's inside the cake given the allergy issue and she wasn't even sure but said she asked without wheat.

My DH said he will ask her to cancel. But I dont want to offend her. So said no.
Is it rude if I just bake her a cake too? Like I initially wanted to?

On one hand I dont want to risk exposing her to nuts or whatever could be in that cake.
And I also just want to bake her bday cake 😁

What would you do?

OP posts:

HappyMiddleChild · 27/03/2022 07:09

There can never be too much cake!

Say thank you to your MIL, make your cake too and enjoy your DD birthday.

diamondsareforever1 · 27/03/2022 07:11

Get over yourself.

She's hosting.
You should've communicated to her that you're looking at recipes online and want to bake Your own.

If that's your biggest problem then .. 🤣

TheBigDilemma · 27/03/2022 07:22

Ok… this is something you will have to deal with and learn to manage when you have a child with allergies: you need to learn to nicely say no, but no thanks. You will need to learn to stop people trying to ignore your pleas and yes you would have a lot of people, including other parents of kids with allergies who want to be inclusive with your kid.

Never forget it all comes from a good place, so be nice when you firmly say no.

Your child won’t remember this birthday, I don’t see an issue with your OH asking her mum to cancel the baby cake as you were looking forward to bake her a birthday cake.

One note for the future though: kids want to be like anyone else and pretend the allergies are not there from time to time. I always baked the birthday cake for my severely allergic child but it broke my heart when at 5 he asked me if we could get a Thomas the tank engine shop from the shop for his party to give his friends even if he didn’t eat it. He did love Thomas and the look of the cake and wanted for thing to feel normal for once.

TheBigDilemma · 27/03/2022 07:27

Having said that, I don’t condone other people telling you to get over yourself. It is all very new to you and, if your kid is as allergic as mine, he may die out of other people’s kindness, so be kind with yourself, it could take you a long while to get used to this life and learn to manage the allergies and other people’s “kindness”, especially when thus your precious first baby and you are so new to living with allergies.

Newrunner29 · 27/03/2022 07:30

I was going to say yanbu , however since u have said u are in a different country and being hosted , then I can understand why she would have.

TheBigDilemma · 27/03/2022 07:34

@HiJenny35

Going abroad where the hospital is an hour away with a 1 year old who you think may have a nut allergy but you've never given nuts is crazy irresponsible. Early in the morning test for a skin reaction, put a small blob of peanut butter on the skin and watch for a reaction. If no reaction, the following day, early in the day, test with eating a small amount in something. All allergy advice is to now introduce younger as it shows its less likely to react, test before you go abroad so that if your child has a reaction you can get them to hospital easily here and have epipens and an health care plan before travelling.

The rule is you never test yourself for a peanut allergy!!! If the child is allergic every exposure to peanuts will increase the intensity of the next reaction.

DS first reaction was a rash, by the third one he was not able to breath. If peanut allergy testing is done under the controlled conditions of a hospital it is for a good reason!!!

TheBigDilemma · 27/03/2022 07:36

And yes, some kids react to peanut by skin contact it even to air borne particles (the dust that spreads out when you open a bag of peanuts) they don’t even have to eat it!

DSGR · 27/03/2022 07:38

She was being kind. You’re travelling abroad and she thought she’d take one thing off your plate. I also think you’re being a bit precious

carefullycourageous · 27/03/2022 07:40

My DH said he will ask her to cancel. But I dont want to offend her. So said no.
I think yabu as you could have resolved the issue but haven't.

ThinWomansBrain · 27/03/2022 07:47

you'll be abroad, she is hosting you
if you hadn't planned to bake (and MiL is not a mindreader, & presumably in her kitchen & you've not asked if that's OK) you'd probably considered her a bit thoughtless if she'd done nothing.

I'd be a bit surprised if house guests turned up expecting to start baking in my kitchen (but would probably just think, "oh good, cake)

billy1966 · 27/03/2022 07:49

If the baby has allergies I absolutely would be making something just for her.

Everyone else can happily enjoy the bought cake.

I also would think it was kind.

Is your husband usually so unhelpful with communication?

2 children under 2 is going to be very, very busy.
I hope he does his share.

Autumnleaves4 · 27/03/2022 08:14

I think given you are going to hers and travelling and staying 5 days it’s perfectly reasonable for her to order the cake but she could have checked with you what type/flavour etc you wanted.

As you want to bake it yourself it’s also perfectly reasonable to say that actually please could you cancel as you were planning to bake it yourself. She certainly doesn’t need 2 cakes and if you bake one as well without cancelling her order it’ll look like you are trying to undermine her efforts. You should have just said immediately. Does it mean you’ll be baking it there in her kitchen, if so you should have asked in advance if she’d be ok with this.

Lairymary · 27/03/2022 08:48

I would be more annoyed if it wasn't abroad, she's probably just trying to be a nice host and give you one less thing to organise, however I personally would have liked input on type and how its decorated. I would gracefully accept the cake but also bake and decorate a tray of cupcakes so you are sure they are safe.

puddlesofmothers · 27/03/2022 09:55

You're travelling abroad pregnant with a one year old mybthiughtsbeouldnbebhoenis she going to lug a cake with her I'll order one and save the stress and bother.

Noisyneighneigh · 27/03/2022 09:59

She's hosting. YABU. If you were hosting it'd be different.

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