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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL ordered DDs 1st birthday cake without telling us

90 replies

SunnySideUp2020 · 26/03/2022 20:29

Never thought I'd be posting something so trivial. But here we go.

I honestly dont know if I am being precious or hormonal from being pregnant. Or normal?

We are going to the inlaws for DD 1st bday (our only kid, currently expecting another one).
It's abroad so we are going for 5 days.

Family gathering on the Sunday and I was looking forward to baking a cake for her. Been looking at recipes online etc ... I love baking, always make the cakes for occasions and my DD has allergies to many things including wheat so we are introducing new foods with caution.

Anyway today MIL calls and say she ordered our cake for the day (great) but also DDs cake. And I was a bit like wtf? Why didn't she ask before what I thought? Or if I was planning something?

So we ask what's inside the cake given the allergy issue and she wasn't even sure but said she asked without wheat.

My DH said he will ask her to cancel. But I dont want to offend her. So said no.
Is it rude if I just bake her a cake too? Like I initially wanted to?

On one hand I dont want to risk exposing her to nuts or whatever could be in that cake.
And I also just want to bake her bday cake 😁

What would you do?

OP posts:

SickAndTiredAgain · 26/03/2022 21:24

If there’s allergy issues involved and she can’t tell you what’s in the cake, then I’d have let DH ask her to cancel it.

Allergy issues aside, I’d have been fine with it. You’re staying with her in a foreign country, I’d assume she was just trying to be helpful and was thinking you wouldn’t be able to order one in advance, and maybe wouldn’t want to spend your time away baking. She’s hosting you, so not unreasonable for her think she’d provide the cake.

Kite22 · 26/03/2022 21:25

@Shoxfordian

Yabu; she’s hosting you and you’re in another country. Probably thought she was doing something helpful

This

No normal person expects to travel abroad, whilst pregnant and with a 1 yr old baby, then to start baking a cake in someone else's kitchen.

Your MiL has not overstepped any boundaries and been really thoughtful in trying to get everything organised for your trip over, understanding you are likely to be tired, and needing to sort your little one out, as she may well be a bit out of sync with change in routine (+ possibly climate and poss time zone and poss jet lag) and having spent anything up to a day traveling, knowing how tiring all that can be.
What a lovely MiL you have.

Divaship · 26/03/2022 21:28

God get over yourself, it was a kind thing for your MIL to do. Be grateful and enjoy the cake and the lovely gesture, your daughter is 1 for goodness sake and will not remember it.

Original poster

SunnySideUp2020 · 26/03/2022 21:31

What is it with MN and people assuming things from literally one post?

Could have been my brother or my aunt Id have asked the same!

Believe it or not, I have a good relationship with my MIL despite the language barrier.
And I cook for them when I am there most of the time. And clean. And care for their pets. Just like I'd do for my own family or in my house. I don't just lounge around like an ungrateful bitch. Pregnant or not!

OP posts:

Original poster

SunnySideUp2020 · 26/03/2022 21:34

And thats why I am VERY familiar with the kitchen. I dont expect people to cater for me.

OP posts:

Katya213 · 26/03/2022 21:36

First world problems.

RoseGoldEagle · 26/03/2022 21:37

Wow! If I was going abroad for my child’s birthday I would be so grateful that someone had ordered her a cake! The alternative was she would assume you’d get out there, with a baby and pregnant, and somehow be expected to make a cake in someone else’s kitchen? I mean, sure, I guess she could have asked- but most people would think it a nice thing to do!

AryaStarkWolf · 26/03/2022 21:39

Since you were going abroad etc she wasn't bu but you should have let your dh let her cancel especially because of the allergies

Smartiepants79 · 26/03/2022 21:42

@SunnySideUp2020

What is it with MN and people assuming things from literally one post?

Could have been my brother or my aunt Id have asked the same!

Well that’s the issue with this kind of thing. People only know what you tell them and them extrapolate and respond according to their own experiences and feelings. This kind of forum is full of assumptions. As this thread shows most people would be surprised by someone travelling abroad and then making cakes in someone else’s kitchen. That’s apparently normal for you but no one on here knows that unless you say so. I’d you get on well with her you need to speak to her OR just get over it to preserve her feelings.

rainyskylight · 26/03/2022 21:55

OP ignore all the vipers. Sounds like it’s going to all work out, although perhaps your DH could be a bit more helpful in future with helping communication. Hope you have a wonderful time celebrating your DD.

CheshireChat · 26/03/2022 22:00

Some people can start a fight in an empty room. Some of those are on MN.

Neverendingdust · 26/03/2022 22:05

She’s doing you a favour don’t be so precious and make the most of it. You really wanted to go schleping around a foreign country to look for ingredients for a 1 year olds birthday cake whilst being pregnant? 🙄

EmpressSuiko · 26/03/2022 22:54

A lot of people are being unnecessarily mean to the OP.
If my child has allergies and someone had ordered a cake without speaking to me I’d also be worried, it sounds like you’ve got everything figured out now OP, I’m sure you’ll all have a wonderful time together and please do ignore all the negativity on here!

ChaosMoon · 26/03/2022 23:05

Please don't make your own cake unless you tell her ahead of time. Otherwise she's going to be sitting there wondering why the hell she wasted money on a cake for the baby that you didn't even want. That really would be rude.

HiJenny35 · 26/03/2022 23:07

Going abroad where the hospital is an hour away with a 1 year old who you think may have a nut allergy but you've never given nuts is crazy irresponsible. Early in the morning test for a skin reaction, put a small blob of peanut butter on the skin and watch for a reaction. If no reaction, the following day, early in the day, test with eating a small amount in something. All allergy advice is to now introduce younger as it shows its less likely to react, test before you go abroad so that if your child has a reaction you can get them to hospital easily here and have epipens and an health care plan before travelling.

bembridge11 · 27/03/2022 00:03

Bake another cake. Multiple cakes is fine. When mine were little we did multiple cakes. On different days - depending on when they saw family etc

Comeoverfordrinks · 27/03/2022 00:06

Without allergies I wouldn’t care about this. Especially since she is hosting.

With allergies I would ask her to cancel it and bake your own cake that you know is safe. We live with multiple allergies and wouldn’t trust the cake to be safe.

timeisnotaline · 27/03/2022 00:08

I wouldn’t let my dc eat any bought cake abroad with allergies so I’d unapologetically bake my own. Dh had to explain very clearly that thinking about it a store bought cake would be very stressful with the allergies, welcome to keep the order but sunny will make one that we know dc can eat.

Koigarden · 27/03/2022 00:12

I understand how you feel. On my daughters first birthday I popped out to the shop to pick up a few bits for her party later leaving the undecorated cake to do when I got back. When I came home my mum had decorated it. It was just something I wanted to do and had planned. I was 7 months pregnant and very hormonal but just let it go. I know she was trying to help but I was upset.

Midlifemusings · 27/03/2022 00:19

If you lived there and visit often, picking up a little of the local language would be a good thing. I hope your DH speaks it to your daughter.

There are all kinds of translation apps you can use so that people can have a conversation in two languages. The dynamic isn't as fluid as two people speaking the same language but it allows you to communication.

There is really no issue here. I would never expect a guest from abroad who was flying in would be planning to bake a cake in my kitchen on arrival. Especially if nothing was said to me.

Make the cake for your baby before you go or when you get back and do your own little celebration. Your baby has zero idea what day their birthday is.

Weightscales · 27/03/2022 00:33

If it was my MIL, I'd just tell her - 'oh I was planning on making her cake. It's a little tradition of mine. Can you cancel it?'

I think she should have asked you, so I don't think you're being unreasonable. So difficult though because any reaction can make you look like you're being unreasonable!

FairWindClearSailing · 27/03/2022 06:50

This could be a cultural thing. I live in Germany and it's normal to offer bout 3/4 different kinds of cake when having family over for "Kaffee und Kuchen". I'd just say thank you and bake your own as well.

Roselilly36 · 27/03/2022 06:56

It doesn’t stop you baking a cake too OP. This is exactly what we did for our DS1 first birthday. Enjoy the day, two cakes are better than one 😂

Hollywolly1 · 27/03/2022 07:02

I voted yanbu because of the allergy issue as it is so dangerous and you eill want your little one to have some cake.She probably ordered the cake hoping you wouldn't be messing up her kitchen as she knows you like to bake so she hot in ahead of you

Hollywolly1 · 27/03/2022 07:06

@Neverendingdust
But the child has allergies and a lot of people do not understand them as very complex

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